Kill or be Killed (Mafia Kingpin Book 1)

by A. G. Khaliq

  ABID

  I stood in the middle of the shipment room, shaking. I still couldn’t comprehend Aliyah’s death. She bled out in my arms, telling me that she loved me… And I just had to get the fuck outta there before my heart could break even more than it already had.

  She really did love me. She was prepared to let me walk free from a life in prison out of her love for me. And it was screwing with my mind to the point of no return. I couldn’t stop replaying the moment in my head. Her blood draining away from her face, her face going white. And I knew I’d never be able to move on from this.

  Everywhere I went, I saw her face in the crowd. Creeping up behind me, or from a distance. And whenever I followed that feeling, I always ended up seeing nothing. Nobody was there. She wasn’t here. I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that she was fucking dead.

  I’d had nightmares, I’d rocked myself to sleep one too many times. Crying and screaming, kicking and shouting, just wishing that she could be back here with me. I could barely live without her. It felt like the energy had been sucked out of my soul, and all that was left… was darkness. Any love and emotion that I once had was gone. Any glimmer of me having feelings in my criminal lifestyle. It was all fucking gone.

  It died with Aliyah when she left me here without her.

  I missed her so fucking much. I just hoped that she was in a better place. That she was in heaven… She was a good person. She didn’t fucking deserve to die. Even if she betrayed me, she’d lived a good life. A life putting scum like me behind bars. Scum like me who murdered people, sold people drugs which they overdosed on and died. Destroyed people’s lives when they owed the Mafia debts. But it was all I knew. I’d been conditioned into a life like this from when I was a little boy. It’s not like I chose this way of life. This way of life fucking chose me.

  Rest in peace Aliyah… my fucking angel. My queen.

  I sighed, taking my eyes off from the floor. I needed to get my head back into the fucking game, before my own ass was on the line. It felt like I was a dead man walking. It felt like my life had no purpose left in it.

  It felt like I was better off dead.

  Like being dead would be the only way to end the pain and suffering that I was experiencing right now.

  A tear slid down my cheek. Every day, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, and somebody was beating it, like it was exploding. I took a deep breath in, as I shifted the boxes to the side, checking that the amount of product was right in each box.

  As I did this, Trex walked into the room. I shook my fists angrily, fucking raging. I could never forgive Trex for what he did. For killing the one woman who meant the world to me. This was all his fucking fault… He was supposed to be my fucking brother. We looked out for each other through everything… but he tore me apart by killing Aliyah. I wanted to fucking kill Trex myself, but I didn’t have the guts. The same way I didn’t have the guts to kill Aliyah, because I still wanted to make things work with her, even after finding out she was a fucking double-spy.

  “You can't ignore me forever, bro,” Trex sighed, folding his arms.

  “Oh, can't I?!” I roared. “You killed my fucking girlfriend, Trex! We're supposed to be brothers!”

  “She was going to send Steve to prison, you dumb little bastard!” Trex screamed. “And you were too pussy to kill her yourself! I had to step in!”

  “I fucking loved her, Trex!” I bellowed. “She meant so much to me and you took her away from me!”

  “You'll find another bitch to sleep with, stop crying for God's sake,” Trex spat bitterly, rolling his eyes at me.

  “It was more than just sleeping together!” I shouted. “She was special!”

  “Special or not, she was a goddamn spy, Abid!” Trex accused. “Are you forgetting the goddamn code?! Steve made it clear there's no room for snakes on our team!” He shook his fists angrily. “If you sided with her and ratted out Steve, you would've ended up like Bilal too! Don't forget the fucking favour I'm doing for you by not telling Steve that your girlfriend was a goddamn cop!”

  I took a deep breath in, my face falling. It felt like I was going to break down.

  “Never forget how much Steve did for us, Abid!” Trex roared. “He took us off the goddamn streets! He taught us how to hussle! He brought us where we are today, we're at these positions in the goddamn Mafia because of Steve! And you were going to turn your back on him over a bitch you knew for a few weeks?!”

  Tears slid down my cheeks. I was so fucking angry… So fucking hurt. I started punching the wall again. It felt like I was going crazy.

  “It just hurts so much, bro...” I cried, breaking off my sentence. My throat went dry, as the flashbacks from the night came back to torture my mind again.

  “I understand, but you'll get over it man,” Trex sighed, and then screwed his face to a bitter expression. “You need to get your fucking priorities straight!”

  I took my head into my hands, rocking it backwards and forwards as I screamed.

  “Don't hit me up until you've realised what's really important here!” Trex roared. “Everyday we put our lives on the line for our boss, we always have bare shit going on with shipments and war with the rival cartels. We don't have time to catch feelings for bitches. They come… and they goddamn go.”

  He stormed off angrily, leaving me alone in my shaken, psychotic state. It was easy for him to try and give me advice… but if he were in my shoes for just a second, he would have realized the unimaginable pain that I was experiencing right now.

  A pain unthinkable. A pain that I couldn’t just sleep off and get rid of.

  LOUIS

  I walked out of the chippy with Steve, devouring the food. Good food always made everything fucking better.

  “Where shall we go next?” I asked.

  “The movies,” Steve said definitely. I grinned.

  We were having such a good time; it was like I'd never seen the things that happened at his house yesterday. It felt good, though. Maybe it was for the best if I decided never to mention it again - me and Steve were just back to normal and I didn't want anything to change that.

  We went to watch Fast and Furious at the cinemas. Steve bought us popcorn, and lots of chocolate and crisps to eat while we watched the movie.

  It was 11 o’clock at night, now. The movie had finished, and me and Steve made our way to the car park.

  “Thanks so much for today, Steve,” I thanked him, and then thought that it would be good of me to apologise for everything that I’d seen at his house. “I'm sorry about-“

  “Don't you worry about it,” he smiled. “It's in the past now – let's just forget about it.”

  He clicked his keys into his car as I grinned at him, and we took a seat inside it. “Come on, I’ll drop you off home now.”

  He drove me home, pulling up on the kerb. Mum was waiting at the door, with her arms folded, looking like she was about to kill somebody; she was that mad.

  “I'll see you again soon, yeah?” Steve shouted at me, as I nervously made my way back to the house.

  “Definitely,” I called back, and then gulped as I saw the expression written all over Mum’s face.

  Mum ran up to Steve’s car, blocking him from leaving.

  “What the fuck are you doing?!” Steve shouted, and Mum shook her fists with rage. I gulped, as Steve rolled his eyes sarcastically.

  “You've been ignoring Louis all this time and you think you can just turn up and play happy families whenever you feel like it?!” Mum screamed. “I won't be having you seeing Louis without my permission.”

  “Oh, give it a rest Linda, I've had a lot on my mind,” Steve retorted, and started laughing, like he was shocked that Mum had actually answered back to him. “I've been really busy and today I've finally had a day off plumbing and I wanted to see my stepson. Is that a problem?”

  He rolled his eyes again, looking pissed off himself, the blood flooding to his cheeks.

  “Yeah, it is a prob
lem, because he's been upset about you for ages!” Mum snapped, and I took in a deep breath. “He's been crying over you, wondering where you've been, especially on our pizza night, when you just walked out without notice...”

  “Shut up Linda,” Steve warned. He was speaking in a low whisper now, that made Mum jolt back in fear. “He likes seeing me and we've had a good day today, and we've made arrangements to see each other again. You can't stop us. I'm sorry about ghosting off for a while but I'm back now and we've both cleared things up. Now stop interfering.”

  Steve’s eyes held Mum’s with a piercing gaze, and Mum looked terrified, her face going pale. She took a few deep breaths in and out, before swallowing, and sighing.

  “Fine,” Mum said, shaking her head, accepting defeat. “But if you disappoint my son again, or upset him, best believe this is the last you're hearing from him.”

  “Alright boss,” Steve replied coldly.

  Mum sighed.

  “Now are you gonna let me leave or what?” he spat bitterly, winding his window back up to stop Mum from pestering him more.

  As he drove away, I shifted about uncomfortably on my spot, and I could hear Mum cough up a sob.

  ELLIE

  I stood in my bedroom shakily, with a gun in my hands. I was trembling with fear. I was terrified for what was about to come.

  But the truth was… I was weak. I was timid. I didn’t know how to defend myself. And I was just so fucking miserable. I didn’t see things getting better for me in my dark, shit life.

  Maybe this would be the only way for all of my problems to go away...

  I drew a deep breath in. In and out. In and out.

  I was tired of my life. I was tired of my mental health playing tricks on me. I was tired of my depression. I was tired of my inner demons always telling me that I was worthless. Telling me that I was good for nothing. Telling me that I was never going to be anything in life. That I was never going to be happy. I was never going to achieve success. I was never going to grow up to be the woman that I wanted to be.

  I was tired of my parents treating me like I was nothing. Every day, I suffered from emotional abuse at the mercy of them. The way they tortured me with their words. Made me feel like everything bad that happened to this family was my fault. Made me feel like if I’d never been born, this world would be a better place, and I wouldn’t be causing them any problems.

  I was tired of feeling lonely and having no friends. I was tired of other girls looking down at me, and laughing at me. Calling me a slut when my skirt was too short. Calling me a bitch when their boyfriend tried to ask me for my number… when they shouldn’t be with a man that flirts with other women in the first place. Disliking me, and jesting me, even when I kept my mouth shut and tried my best to mind my own business. I was tired of men pretending to be nice to me and putting up a front, just to later try and get me in my pants. I was tired of men thinking that I was an easy fuck, that I was a trashy whore, that I had no self-respect.

  And this rape situation didn't make it any easier for me. Every detail of what that sick bastard did to me replayed itself to me like a form of torture. I tried to shut out the pain… but I just couldn’t. Time and time again, I found myself collapsed on my bedroom floor, rocking my head back and forth as I sobbed and screamed, wishing that I’d never been sexually abused.

  I sighed, my body shaking into a frenzy, as the sweat droplets that were beading on my face slowly fell to the ground, drip-dropping on the floor.

  I knew that I shouldn't do this...

  But I just wanted everything to come to an end.

  I took another deep breath in, my pulse raising through the roof. My heart was hammering so hard against my chest, it felt like it was going to jump out.

  Oh Father, forgive me, for I have sinned.

  I felt terrible about all the girls I’d bullied in my life. I felt terrible about every bad thing that I’d ever done. All the alcohol that I drank, all the parties that I went to, all the boys that I had sex with.

  Forgive me, Lord…

  I took a deep breath in.

  It was time.

  I shakily brought the gun up to my face, tears streaming down my cheeks. I slowly held it against my temple, and my life flashed before my eyes. All of my memories. Everything that I’d been through as I grew up, in my sixteen years of life.

  Not-so-sweet fucking sixteen.

  “Goodbye, Earth…” I murmured, and before I knew it…

  I pulled the trigger, and collapsed onto the floor… dying in my own pool of blood.

  CHAPTER 8

  THE FUNERAL

  LOUIS

  “We will now have a moment of silence for Ellie,” said the priest.

  I was at Ellie’s funeral… with Keelan and Ellie’s mum and dad.

  We were the only people that came.

  It felt so surreal. I didn’t want to believe that this was happening. It was like I was trapped in a nightmare… and I couldn’t wake up. Just thinking about how depressed Ellie was. How miserable she was, to the point that she would take her own life…

  And I blamed myself. I fucking blamed myself. When I’d walked out of her bedroom when me and Keelan went over to her house that day… and I looked back, not wanting to leave her alone. Seeing the state that she was in, collapsed on her floor in a ball, rocking backwards and forwards…

  But I left her there.

  I left her there, and left her house.

  I didn’t turn around and walk back to her bedroom to help her.

  I just kept on walking.

  The photographs that the police had taken of her bedroom from the night she committed suicide kept replaying and replaying themselves in my head, like a form of torture. I couldn’t get over it. I couldn’t comprehend it.

  Her body lying limply in her own pool of blood. There was so much blood…

  So much blood.

  She’d shot herself through the temple, knocking herself over… Bleeding out for minutes, before her body failed her and gave up on her.

  Her life flashing before her eyes.

  I felt fucking shit about myself. It didn’t matter that I didn’t pull the fucking trigger. I blamed myself for this. This was all my fucking fault…

  And I would never forgive myself for this.

  The priest said prayers for Ellie, and her body was buried. It was crazy. It didn’t matter what we were in this world… It didn’t matter how many people we tried to impress, how famous we were, or how much money we made.

  Death was the final destination for everybody.

  Ellie’s mum was sobbing, rocking back and forth over the gravestone. Her father’s face looked blank. He looked so pale, it looked like all of the blood had been drained right out of his face. He was frozen to the spot in shock, his entire body shaking. Keelan was crying silently, clutching the cross on his neck as he prayed for Ellie to be in a better place.

  “I can't do this!” Ellie’s mum sobbed, and she ran away from the graveyard, tears streaming down her face. She looked like she hadn’t eaten or slept in days.

  I couldn’t imagine what they were going through. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to lose a daughter… To have to bury your own daughter, when she’d barely lived her life yet.

  Ellie’s dad took deep breaths in and out, like he was trying to stop himself from having a panic attack. I felt so useless and helpless. I wanted to help him, or to do something to try and make him feel better.

  “We're so sorry that you and your wife have to go through this,” I said shakily.

  “Ellie meant a lot to me,” Keelan said timidly, his voice shaking. “She was such a strong girl. She'll be in a better place now.”

  Ellie’s dad heaved his chest upwards and downwards, finally plucking up the courage to say something. “I feel like absolute shit,” he sighed, trembling. “Me and her mum were too hard on her and expected too much from her. I didn’t even have a chance to make amends with her before she died… and I’ll never fucking fo
rgive myself for the way I treated her. She died too soon…” His voice broke off, as he coughed up a sob. “Now we've lost both of our daughters.”

  “I pray you find peace.” Keelan rocked his head in his hands.

  “I had no idea that she was depressed to the point that she would take her own life,” Ellie’s dad cried, and took another deep breath in. “D - do you two lads know anything that might have triggered this incident?”

  The words that her father said just made me despise myself even more… because me and Keelan knew that she’d been sexually abused… and we didn’t tell anybody about it. Not even her fucking parents.

  “S - she was raped,” Keelan stammered, shakily.

  “W - what?!” Ellie’s dad froze in shock, shaking so hard that he fell to the ground. “WHEN WAS THIS?!” he bellowed, kicking and screaming as he broke down.

  “About a week ago…” I mumbled.

  “WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!” he bellowed.

  “She said a creepy old man did it... and then threatened her if she went to the police,” Keelan explained, taking his head in his hands.

  “That bastard is gonna pay for what he did to my daughter!” he screamed. “I’m a terrible father… she walked in late that night with blood all over her clothes. And when we asked her about it, she said she fell over… We should’ve tried to find out the truth.” Tears slid down his cheeks and I felt my throat go dry as I watched him cry. I couldn’t bear it.

  “It’s no use blaming yourself,” I mumbled. “All you can do is try to avenge her death. If you look through her phone maybe you'll find some clue as to who he is.”

  Ellie’s dad took a deep breath in, trying his best to keep himself together and stay sane. He got up from the floor, drying his eyes with his sleeve, his face puffy. “All of this was happening right under my nose, and I had no idea…” he murmured. “I'm a terrible father.”

  I crossed my arms awkwardly, not knowing what to say that could help him feel better. I thought it would be better off for all of us if I stayed quiet. There was a long silence between us, as Ellie’s father took deep breaths in and out.