The Essential Louise Hay Collection

by Louise Hay

  It would also be marvelous for hospitals to supply teddy bears in all the beds, so that when the little child in us feels alone and frightened in the middle of the night, he or she can have a teddy bear to hug.

  The Many Parts of You

  Relationships are wonderful, marriages are wonderful, but the reality is, they are all temporary. However, your relationship with you is eternal. It goes on forever. Love the family within you—the child, the parent, and the youth-in-between.

  Remember that there is a teen inside you, too. Welcome the teenager. Work with the teen as you work with the little child. What were all the difficulties that you went through as a teenager? Ask your teen the questions that you ask your child. Help the teenager through the intimidating episodes and apprehensive moments of puberty and beyond. Make these times okay. Learn to love your teen as you learn to love your child.

  We can’t love and accept each other until we love and accept that lost child within us. How old is the little lost child within you? Three, four, five? Usually, the child is less than five years old because that is generally when the child shuts down out of the need to survive.

  Take your child by the hand, and love it. Create a wonderful life for you and your child. Say to yourself: “I’m willing to learn to love my child. I am willing.” The Universe will respond. You will find ways to heal your child and yourself. If we want to heal, we must be willing to feel our feelings and move through them to the other side for the healing. Remember, our Higher Power is always available to support us in our efforts.

  No matter what your early childhood was like, the best or the worst, you and only you are in charge of your life now. You can spend your time blaming your parents or your early environment, but all that accomplishes is to keep you stuck in victim patterns. It never helps you get the good you say you want.

  Love is the biggest eraser I know. Love erases even the deepest and most painful memories because love goes deeper than anything else. If your mental images of the past are very strong, and you keep affirming, “It’s all their fault,” you stay stuck. Do you want a life of pain or one of joy? The choice and power are always within you. Look into your eyes, and love you and the little child within.

  Chapter 10

  Growing Up and Getting Old

  Be as understanding with your parents as you want them to be with you.

  Communicating with Our Parents

  When I was growing up, my teenage years were the most difficult of all. I had so many questions, but I did not want to listen to those who thought they had the answers, especially adults. I wanted to learn everything by myself because I did not trust the information that grown-ups gave me.

  I felt particular animosity towards my parents because I was an abused child. I could not understand how my stepfather could treat me the way he did, nor could I understand how my mother could simply ignore what he was doing to me. I felt cheated and misunderstood, and I was certain that my family, specifically, and the world, in general, were against me.

  Through my many years spent in the counseling of others, particularly young people, I have found that many people share the same feelings about their parents that I had about mine. Some of the words I hear teenagers use to describe how they feel are: trapped, judged, watched, and misunderstood.

  Of course, it would be great to have parents who would be accommodating in any given situation; however, in most cases, that is not possible. Although our parents are merely human beings like the rest of us, we often feel that they are being unfair and unreasonable and have no understanding of what we are going through.

  One young man I counseled had a very difficult time relating to his father. He felt that they had nothing in common, and when his father spoke to him, it was simply to utter some negative or belittling comment. I asked the young man if he knew how his grandfather had treated his father, and he admitted that he didn’t. His grandfather had died before the young man was born.

  I suggested that he ask his father about his own childhood and how it affected him. At first the young man was hesitant, because it was uncomfortable to talk to his father without feeling he would be ridiculed or judged. However, he took the plunge and agreed to approach his father.

  The next time I saw him, the young man seemed more at ease. “Wow,” he exclaimed, “I didn’t realize what kind of a childhood my own father had.” Apparently his grandfather had insisted that all of his children address him as Sir, and they lived by the old standard that children were to be seen but not heard. If they dared to utter one contrary word, they were severely beaten. No wonder his father was critical.

  When we grow up, many of us have the good intentions of treating our children differently than the way we were treated. However, we learn from the world around us, and sooner or later, we begin to sound and act just like our parents.

  In the case of this young man, his father inflicted the same kind of verbal abuse on his son that his own father had heaped on him. He may not have intended to do so; he was merely acting in a way consistent with his own upbringing.

  However, the young man came to understand a little more about his father, and as a result, they were able to communicate more freely. Although it would take some effort and patience on both their parts before their level of communication would be ideal, at least they were both moving in a new direction.

  I strongly believe that it is very important for all of us to take the time to find out more about our parents’ childhoods. If your parents are still alive, you can ask them: “What was it like when you were growing up? What was love like in your family. How did your parents punish you? What kind of peer pressure did you have to face in those days? Did your parents like the people you dated? Did you have a job while you were growing up?”

  By learning more about our parents, we can see the pat terns that have shaped who they are, and, in turn, see why they treat us as they do. As we learn to empathize with our parents, we will see them in a new, more loving light. You may be able to open doors to a more communicative, loving relationship—one that has mutual respect and trust.

  If you have difficulty even talking with your parents, first start in your mind or in front of the mirror. Imagine yourself telling them, “There’s something I want to speak to you about.” Go through this process several days in a row. It will help you decide what you want to say and how to say it.

  Or, do a meditation and in your mind, talk to each of your parents and clean up your old issues. Forgive them and forgive yourself. Tell them you love them. Then, prepare to tell them the same things in person.

  At one of my groups, a young man told me that he had a lot of anger and that he didn’t trust others. He recycled this pattern of distrust over and over again in all his relationships. When we got to the root of the problem, he told me that he was so angry with his father for not being the person he wanted him to be.

  Again, when we are on a spiritual pathway, it’s not up to us to change the other person. First of all, we need to release all the pent-up feelings we harbor against our parents, and then we need to forgive them for not being who we wanted them to be. We always want everybody else to be like us, to think like us, to dress like us, to do what we do. However, as you know we are all so very different.

  In order to have the space to be ourselves, we need to give that space to others. By forcing our parents to be something that they are not, we cut off our own love. We judge our parents just the way that they judge us. If we want to share with our parents, we need to begin by eradicating our own preconceived judgments of them.

  Many of you continue to have power-struggle games with your parents as you grow older. Parents push a lot of buttons, so if you want to stop playing the game, you are going to have to stop taking a part in it. It is time for you to grow up and decide what you want. You can begin by calling your parents by their first names. Calling them Mommy and Daddy when you are in your 40s only keeps you stuck in the little child role. Start becoming two adults instead of parent
and child.

  Another suggestion is to write an affirmative treatment that details the kind of relationship you want with your mother and/or father. Begin declaring these words for yourself. After a while, you can tell him or her face to face. If your mother or father is still pushing your buttons, you are not letting either of them know how you really feel. You have a right to have the life you want. You have a right to be an adult. It may not be easy, I know. First, decide what it is that you need, and then tell your mother or father what that is. Don’t make them wrong. Ask, “How can we work this out?”

  Remember, with understanding comes forgiveness, and with forgiveness comes love. When we progress to the point where we can love and forgive our parents, we will be well on our way to being able to enjoy fulfilling relationships with everyone in our lives.

  Teens Need Self-Esteem

  It alarms me that the rate of suicide among our teenagers is so on the rise. It seems that more and more young people feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities of life and would just as soon give up rather than to persevere and experience the multitude of adventures that life has to offer. Much of this problem has to do with the way we, as adults, expect them to respond to life situations. Do we want them to react as we would? Do we bombard them with negativity?

  The period between age 10 and 15 can be a very critical time. Children in that age group have the tendency to conform, and they will do anything to be accepted by their peers. In their need for acceptance, they often hide their true feelings for fear they will not be accepted and loved for whom they really are.

  The peer pressure and societal stress that I experienced when I was young pale in comparison to that which today’s young people must endure, and yet, when I was 15, due to physical and mental abuse, I left school and home to be on my own. Think how jarring it must be for the child of today to have to deal with drug abuse, physical abuse, sexually transmitted diseases, peer pressure and gangs, family problems; and on a global level, nuclear war, environmental upheavals, crime and so much more.

  As a parent, you can discuss the differences between negative and positive peer pressure with your teen. Peer pressure is all around us from the moment we are born until the day we leave the planet. We must learn how to deal with it and not let it control us.

  Similarly, it is important for us to gain some knowledge and understanding of why our children are shy, mischievous, sad, slow in school, destructive, et cetera. Children are strongly influenced by the thinking, feeling patterns established in the home, and he or she makes daily choices and decisions from that belief system. If the home environment is not conducive to trusting and loving, the child will seek trust, love, and compassion elsewhere. Many gangs are a place where children feel safe. They form a family bond, no matter how dysfunctional it is.

  I truly believe that a lot of hardships could be avoided if we could only get young people to ask themselves one important question before they act: “Will this make me feel better about myself ” We can help our teenagers see their choices in each situation. Choice and responsibility put power back into their hands. It enables them to do something without feeling like victims of the system.

  If we can teach children that they are not victims and that it is possible for them to change their experiences by taking responsibility for their own lives, we will begin to see major breakthroughs.

  It is vitally important to keep the lines of communication open with children, especially when they are in their teen years. Usually what happens when children start to talk about their likes and dislikes is that they are told over and over again, “Don’t say that. Don’t do that. Don’t feel that. Don’t be that way. Don’t express that. Don’t, don’t, don’t.” Eventually, children stop communicating and sometimes leave home. If you want to have your children around as you grow older, keep the lines of communication open when they are younger.

  Applaud your child’s uniqueness. Allow your teenagers to express themselves in their own style, even if you think it’s just a fad. Don’t make them wrong, or tear them down. Goodness knows, I have been through many, many fads in my lifetime, and so will you and your teenagers.

  Children Learn from Our Actions

  Children never do what we tell them to do; they do what we do. We can’t say, “Don’t smoke,” or “Don’t drink,” or “Don’t do drugs,” if we do them. We have to serve as examples and live the sort of life we want our children to express. When parents are willing to work on loving themselves, it’s amazing to see the harmony that is achieved within the family. Children respond with a new sense of self-esteem and start to value and respect who they are.

  An exercise in self-esteem that you and your children can do together is to make a list of some goals you would like to achieve. Ask your children to write down how they see themselves in ten years, in one year, in three months. What kind of lives do they want to have? What kind of friends would be most beneficial? Have them list their goals with short descriptions of each as well as how they can make their dreams come true. You do the same.

  All of you might keep the lists nearby to remind yourselves of your goals. In three months’ time, go over the lists together. Have the goals changed? Don’t let your children beat themselves up if they didn’t get as far as they wanted. They can always revise their lists. What is most important to give young people something positive to look forward to!

  Separation and Divorce

  If there is separation and/or divorce in the family, it is important that each parent be supportive. It’s very stressful for a child to be told that the other parent is no good.

  As the parent, you have to love yourself through the fears and anger to experience as much as possible. The children will pick up feelings from you. If you’re going through a lot of turmoil and pain, they will surely pick that up from you. Explain to your children that your “stuff’ has nothing to do with them and their inner worth.

  Don’t let them get the idea that anything that’s happened is their fault because that is what most children think. Let them know that you love them very much and will always be there for them.

  I suggest that you do mirror work with your children every morning. Do affirmations that will get you through the trying times easily and effortlessly so that everyone will be okay. Release your painful experiences with love, and affirm happiness for all concerned.

  There is a wonderful group called The California State Task Force to Promote Self-Esteem and Personal and Social Responsibility. It was created in 1987 by Assemblyman John Vasconcellos. Among the appointed members are Jack Canfield and Dr. Emmett Miller. I support its efforts in researching and making recommendations to the government to bring self-esteem programs into schools. Other states are following suit by including self-esteem curriculum in the classroom.

  I believe that we are on the brink of some major changes in our society, especially with regard to understanding our own self-worth. If teachers, especially, can get their own self-worth on the right track, they will help our children tremendously. Children reflect the social and economic pressures with which we are faced. Any program having to do with self-esteem will need to encompass students, parents, and teachers, as well as businesses and organizations.

  Growing Older Graciously

  So many of us fear growing old and looking old. We make growing old so terrible and unattractive. Yet, it is a normal and natural process of living. If we can’t accept our inner child and be comfortable with who we were and who we are, how can we accept the next stage?

  If you don’t grow old, what is the alternative? You leave the planet. As a culture, we have created, what I call, “youth worship.” It’s all very well and good to love ourselves at certain ages, but why can’t we love ourselves as we get older? We will eventually go through every age of life.

  Many women feel a lot of anxiety and fear when they think about getting old. The gay community also deals with a lot of issues having to do with youth and looks and loss of beauty. Getting old may mean
getting wrinkles and gray hair and saggy skin, and, yes, I want to grow old. That’s all part of being here. We are on this planet to experience every part of life.

  I can understand that we don’t want to get old and sick, so let’s separate these two ideas. Let’s not imagine or envision ourselves getting sick as a way to die. I do not personally believe that we have to die with illness.

  Instead, when it is our time to leave, when we have accomplished what we came here to do, we can take a nap, or go to bed at night, and leave peacefully. We don’t have to become deathly ill. We don’t have to be hooked to machines. We don’t have to lie suffering in a nursing home in order to leave the planet. There is a tremendous amount of information available on how to stay healthy. Don’t put it off, do it now. When we get older, we want to feel wonderful, so we can continue to experience new adventures.

  I read something a while ago that intrigued me. It was an article about a San Francisco medical school that had discovered that the way we age is not determined by genes, but by something they call the aging set point—a biological time clock that exists in our minds. This mechanism actually monitors when and how we begin to age. The set point, or aging clock, is regulated in great part by one important factor: our attitudes toward growing old.

  For instance, if you believe that 35 is middle aged, that belief triggers biological changes in your body that cause it to accelerate the aging process when you reach 35. Isn’t it fascinating! Somewhere, somehow, we decide what is middle age and what is old age. Where are you setting that aging set point within you? I have this image in my mind that I am going to live to 96 years and still be active, so, it’s very important that I keep myself healthy.