The O'Ruddy: A Romance

by Stephen Crane

  CHAPTER XXIII

  At supper that evening Doctor Chord amplified some of his views "A fewstaunch retainers could quickly aid you to scale the walls of thecastle," said he. "But I have forgotten," he added blankly. "'Tis nota castle. 'Tis a house."

  "If you would take some of these ancient ideas and bury them in thegarden," said I, "they might grow in time to be some kind of turnip orother valuable food. But at the present moment they do not seem to meto serve much purpose. Supposing that the house is not a castle? Whatof that?"

  "Castles--" said he. "Castles lend themselves--"

  "Castles!" I cried. "Have done with castles! All castles may be Jews,as you say. But this is a house."

  "I remarked that it was a house," he answered gently. "It was thatpoint that I was making."

  "Very good," said I. "We will now proceed to define matters. Do youknow if Lady Mary walks in the garden? It is absolutely necessary thatLady Mary should walk in the garden."

  "She does," he replied at once. "At this season of the year Lady Marywalks in the garden on every fine day at ten of the clock."

  "Then," I cried, smiting the table, "our course is clear; I feelelate. My only regret is that my father is not here to give me a wordnow and then, for 'tis a game he would know down to the ground."

  "Although I am not your father," said Doctor Chord modestly, "I may beable to suggest some expedient way of gaining entrance to the castle."

  "House," said I.

  "House," said he.

  "However," said I, "we must lower ourselves to extremely practicalmatters. Can you climb a tree?"

  "A tree?" said he. "Climb a tree? Strap me!"

  "'Tis all very well to strap yourself in this fashion," said I ratherwarmly; "but the climbing of trees appears here as an importantmatter. In my part of Ireland there are few trees, and so climbingtrees did not enter into my education. However, I am willing toattempt the climbing of a tree for the sake of my true love, and if Ifall--how high is this wall? Do you remember?"

  "'Twas at least ten feet," answered the Doctor. "And there is amurderous row of spikes at the top. But," he added, "the more spikesand all that make them the more convinced that the garden is perfectlysafe from intrusion."

  "That's a world of sense out of you," I cried. "The spikes convincethem the garden is safe from intrusion, and so they give over theirwatchfulness. So now in the morning we will go there, and I will climbone of the oak-trees bordering the wall--may the saints aid me!"

  "You were asking if I could climb a tree," remarked the Doctor. "Iwill point out to you that it is a question of no importance. It isyou yourself who must climb the tree; for even if I succeeded in thearduous and painful task I could not pay your vows to Lady Mary, andfor such purpose primarily the tree is to be climbed."

  "True for you, Doctor," I answered with a sigh. "True for you. I mustclimb the tree. I can see that. I had some thought of making Paddyclimb it, but, as you say, a man must do his own love-making, and bythe same token I would break the head of any one who tried to do itfor me. I would that! In this world people must climb their own trees.Now that I think of it seriously, it was ridiculous in me to plan thatPaddy should climb the tree."

  "'Second thoughts are always best,'" said the little Doctor piously."'Tis a phrase from one of the greatest writers of the day. And at anyrate I myself, because of age and debility, would not be able to climba tree."

  "Let us say no more of it," said I. "I see my mistake. But tell me onething. I know you are a man with a great deal on your mind. Can youspare the time for this adventure?"

  But on this point the Doctor was very clear and emphatic. I think if Ihad said he could not have a place in the plot he would have diedimmediately of a broken heart.

  "'Tis true I have not yet finished my treatise proving that thetouchstone is fallible," he cried eagerly; "but it would give mepleasure to delay the work indefinitely if in the meantime I can be ofassistance."

  "That is a man's talk," I said. "Well, then, in the morning we will goforth to do or die. And now a glass to success."

  That night I slept very heartily, for some of my father's soldiertraining is in my veins, and on the eve of a hard or precarious work Iam always able to get sound rest. My father often said that on thenight before a battle in which he would stand seventy-seven chances ofbeing killed he always slept like a dog in front of the fire.

  At dawn I was up and ready. My first move was to have Paddy and Jemsent to me, and to give them such information as would lead them to anintelligent performance of their duties during the day. "Mind ye now,"said I, "here's where the whole thing may be won or lost. There is alovely lady inside the walls of that garden which I was showing youyesterday. She lives in the big house. She is the lady who made youfeel ashamed when you took the old Earl's--well, never mind! I hope weare all properly repentant over it. However, I had better be gettingon with the matter in hand. She lives there, and if I can find no wayto gain speech of her we all three of us will have to take to thethickets, and that's the truth."

  "If I could but lay my fingers on her throttle," said Jem Bottles in ablood-curdling voice, "she soon enough would--"

  "Stop!" I cried. "You misunderstood me!"

  "Aye, he does," spoke in Paddy. "But I know what your honour ismeaning. You are meaning that the young lady--aye, didn't I see her,and didn't she give me a look of her eye? Aye, I know what your honouris meaning."

  "You are knowing it precisely," said I. "The young lady is more to methan three Irelands. You understand? Well, then, in the first place Imust gain speech of her. To-day we march out and see what I canaccomplish by climbing trees. In the meantime you two are to lay inwaiting and assist me when necessary."

  "I am foreseeing that everything will be easy," cried Paddyjubilantly.

  "You are an Irishman," I responded in anger.

  "Aye," he replied bitterly, "and another is within reach of my stickif it weren't for my respect for my betters, although such a thingnever could happen, please God!"

  "No bold talk," said I. "You may do that after." I bade Jem Bottlesload his pistols and carry them handy, but to keep them wellconcealed. Paddy preferred to campaign with only a stout stick. I tookone pistol, and of course my sword.

  These preparations deeply stirred Jem Bottles and Paddy.

  "Your honour," said Paddy, "if I see a man pulling you by the leg whenyou would be climbing the tree, may I hit him one lick?"

  "Aye," growled Jem Bottles, "and if I get a pistol against his head,he'll find out the difference between gunpowder and sand."

  "Stop," I cried. "You have the wrong idea entirely. This talk ofcarnage startles me and alarms me. Remember we are in London. InLondon even the smallest massacre arouses great excitement. There areto be no killings, and even no sound thrashings. It is all to be donewith dainty gloves. Neither one of the pair of you looks fitted forthe work, but I am obliged to make you serve by hook or crook. 'Tistoo late to scour the country looking for good comrades. I must putup with you, since I can get no better."

  They were well pleased at the prospect of spirited adventures,although Paddy made some complaints because there was no chance of agreat ogre whom he could assail. He wished to destroy a few giants inorder to prove his loyalty to the cause. However, I soothed him out ofthis mood, showing him where he was mistaken, and presently we wereall prepared and only waited for the coming of Doctor Chord.

  When the little philosopher appeared, however, I must truly say that Ifell back a-gasping. He had tied some sort of a red turban about hishead, and pulled a black cocked hat down over it until his left eyewas wickedly shaded. From beneath his sombre cloak a heavy scabbardprotruded. "I have come; I am ready," said he in a deep voice.

  "Bedad, you have!" cried I, sinking into a chair. "And why didn't a mobhang you on the road, little man? How did you reach here safely? Londonsurely never could stand two glimpses of such a dangerous-lookingpirate. You would give a sedan-chair the vapours."

  He looked himself over ruefully. "'Tis
a garb befitting the dangerousadventure upon which I engaged," said he, somewhat stiff in the lip.

  "But let me make known to you," I cried, "that when a man wears a garbbefitting his adventure he fails surely. He should wear somethingextraneous. When you wish to do something evil, you put on the coat ofa parson. That is the clever way. But here you are looking like agallows-bird of the greatest claim for the rope. Stop it; take offthe red thing, tilt your hat until you look like a gentleman, and letus go to our adventure respectably."

  "I was never more surprised in my life," said he sincerely. "I thoughtI was doing a right thing in thus arraying myself for an experiencewhich cannot fail to be thrilling and mayhap deadly. However, I seeyou in your accustomed attire, and in the apparel of your men-servantsI see no great change from yesterday. May I again suggest to you thatthe adventure upon which we proceed may be fraught with much danger?"

  "A red rag around your temples marks no improvement in our risks," saidI. "We will sally out as if we were off to a tea-party. When my fatherled the forlorn hope at the storming of Wuerstenhausenstaffenberg, hewore a lace collar, and he was a man who understood these matters. And Imay say that I wish he was here. He would be a great help."

  In time the Doctor removed his red turban and gradually and sadlyemerged from the more sanguine part of his paraphernalia and appearedas a simple little philosopher. Personally I have no objection to aman looking like a brigand, but my father always contended thatclothes serve no purpose in real warfare. Thus I felt I had committedno great injustice in depriving Chord of his red turban.

  We set out. I put much faith in the fact that we had no definiteplans, but to my great consternation Doctor Chord almost at once beganto develop well-laid schemes. As we moved toward the scene of ouradventure he remarked them to me.

  "First of all," said he, "a strong party should be stationed at theiron gates, not only to prevent a sally of the garrison, but toprevent an intrepid retainer from escaping and alarming the city.Furthermore--"

  "My gallant warrior," said I, interrupting him, "we will drop thisquestion to the level of a humdrum commercial age. I will try tocompass my purpose by the simple climbing of a tree, and to that endall I could need from you is a stout lift and a good word. Then weproceed in the established way of making signs over a wall. All this Iexplained to you fully. I would not have you think I am about tobombard my lady-love's house."

  With a countenance of great mournfulness he grumbled: "No fascineshave been prepared."

  "Very good," said I. "I will climb the tree without the aid offascines."

  As luck would have it, there was a little inn not very far from theEarl's house and on the lonely avenue lined with oaks. Here Itemporarily left Jem Bottles and Paddy, for I feared theirearnestness, which was becoming more terrible every minute. In orderto keep them pacified I gave instructions that they should keep astrict watch up the avenue, and if they saw any signs of trouble theywere to come a-running and do whatever I told them. These orderssuggested serious business to their minds, and so they were quitecontent. Their great point was that if a shindy was coming they had amoral right to be mixed up in it.

  Doctor Chord and I strolled carelessly under the oaks. It was stilltoo early for Lady Mary's walk in the garden, and there was an hour'swaiting to be worn out. In the mean time I was moved to express someof my reflections.

  "'Tis possible--nay, probable--that this is a bootless quest," said Idejectedly. "What shadow of an assurance have I that Lady Mary willwalk in the garden on this particular morning? This whole thing isabsolute folly."

  "At any rate," said the Doctor, "now that you already have walked thisgreat distance, it will be little additional trouble to climb a tree."

  He had encouraged me to my work at exactly the proper moment.

  "You are right," said I, taking him warmly by the hand, "I will climbthe tree in any case."

  As the hour approached we began to cast about for the proper oak. I amsure they were all the same to me, but Doctor Chord was veryparticular.

  "'Tis logical to contend," said he, "that the question of the girth ofthe tree will enter importantly into our devices. For example, if atree be so huge that your hands may not meet on the far side of it, asuccessful ascension will be impossible. On the other hand, a veryslim tree is like to bend beneath your weight, and even precipitateyou heavily to the ground, which disaster might retard events for anindefinite period."

  "Science your science, then," said I. "And tell me what manner of treebest suits the purpose of a true lover."

  "A tree," said the Doctor, "is a large vegetable arising with onewoody stem to a considerable height. As to the appearance and qualityof a tree, there are many diversifications, and this fact in itselfconstitutes the chief reason for this vegetable being of such greatuse to the human family. Ships are made of nought but trees, and if itwere not for ships we would know but little of the great world ofwhich these English islands form less than a half. Asia itself isslightly larger than all Scotland, and if it were not for the ships wewould be like to delude ourselves with the idea that we and ourneighbours formed the major part of the world."

  With such wise harangues the Doctor entertained my impatience until itwas time for me to climb a tree. And when this time came I went at mywork without discussion or delay.

  "There," said I resolutely, "I will climb this one if it kills me."

  I seized the tree; I climbed. I will not say there was no groaning andpuffing, but any how I at last found myself astride of a branch andlooking over the wall into the Earl of Westport's garden.

  But I might have made myself less labour and care by having somebodypaint me a large landscape of this garden and surveyed it at myleisure. There I was high in a tree, dangling my legs, and staring atsmooth lawns, ornamental copses, and brilliant flower-beds withouteven so much as a dog to enliven the scene. "O'Ruddy," said I tomyself after a long time, "you've hung yourself here in mid-air like abacon to a rafter, and I'll not say much to you now. But if you everreach the ground without breaking your neck, I'll have a word withyou, for my feelings are sorely stirred."

  I do not know how long I sat in the tree engaged in my bittermeditation. But finally I heard a great scudding of feet near thefoot of the tree, and I then saw the little Doctor bolting down theroad like a madman, his hat gone, his hair flying, while his twocoat-tails stuck out behind him straight as boards.

  My excitement and interest in my ally's flight was so great that Inear fell from my perch. It was incomprehensible that my little friendcould dust the road at such speed. He seemed only to touch the groundfrom time to time. In a moment or two he was literally gone, like anarrow shot from the bow.

  But upon casting my bewildered glance downward I found myself staringsquarely into the mouth of a blunderbuss. The mouth of thisblunderbuss, I may say, was of about the width of a fair-sizedwater-pitcher; in colour it was bright and steely. Its appearanceattracted me to such an extent that I lost all idea of the man behindthe gun. But presently I heard a grim, slow voice say,--

  "Climb down, ye thief."

  The reason for little Doctor Chord's hasty self-removal from thevicinity was now quite clear, and my interest in his departure was nolonger speculative.