Third Strike

by BJ Harvey

  Out of the corner of my eye, I spot the waiter heading back toward our table. I turn and shake my head and just as quickly, he changes direction.

  “I’ve had time to think about this.”

  She opens her mouth to say something, and I pin her with a look, begging her to let me get this out.

  “Everything is stacked against us. I love your family like they’re my own, and with everything your mom has been going through, the fight she has in front of her, and your brother and the constant lies we have to tell him, something’s got to give.”

  “And that has to be you giving up on us?” she asks on a whisper.

  “No, this is me giving up on me for you. In another time, another place, any other circumstance, we would’ve already been together, not fooling ourselves into thinking that one day Millen might forgive me for what I’ve done. I don’t want to lose you, him, or your parents because you’re all the closest things I’ve had to a family since Mom died.”

  She takes a deep, slow breath, her shoulders slumping as she looks down at her lap.

  Pulling out her phone from her handbag, she types what looks like a text before lifting her purse onto the table and sliding the device back inside. “I’ve ordered a car. I think it’s better if I find my own way home.”

  I reach across the table for her hand, and she jerks away from me. “Ash…”

  Her head snaps up. “No, Drew. You’ve said your piece, and now it’s time to say what I think. You’re being a coward. You think you’re doing the right thing by me, but really, you’re sacrificing everything we could be because you’ve given up on the chance of it ever happening.” She clears her throat, tears filling her eyes as we sit there, staring at each other across the table.

  “I don’t want to hold you back, and the longer we do this, the longer we keep thinking we can do this, the worse it’s going to be when reality hits. I don’t want to lose you. You’re one of the most important people in my life, and I’ll always be there for you, but if this continues, you’re going to end up resenting me for not letting you go.” I take a moment to breathe before saying the hardest thing of all. “When you meet the man you’re meant to be with, you’ll know I’m right.

  She slides her chair back and stands, swinging her purse over her shoulder. “Funny that since the night of my senior prom, I always thought you were that man.”

  After delivering that stinging barb, she walks straight past me and out of the restaurant.

  “I’ll be back,” I say quickly to the hostess at the register, dropping my credit card onto the desk as I race to catch up to Ash, who’s already heading toward a waiting black sedan.

  My heart threatens to beat out of my chest. There’s no way we can leave things like this.

  “Ash, wait,” I call out just as her hand reaches for the car door.

  She whirls around, pain-filled eyes pinned to my face, tears trailing down her cheeks. “I can’t do this, Drew. How are we supposed to do this?” Her voice cracks. The words are strained, her chest heaving. Her arms shake as she wraps them around her middle.

  I close the distance between us, unable to handle seeing her so upset. I want to scoop her up in my arms and tell her it’ll be okay, but I can’t because I know I wouldn’t be telling the truth.

  I do the only thing I can do. I pull her into my arms and hold her close, letting her cry against my chest, her fingers gripping tightly like she never wants to let me go. We stand there outside the small restaurant I’ll never come to again because the memories will always be bad, on a street I’ll never drive down because it’ll always hurt. The first girl I ever truly cared about to the depth of my very soul is sobbing in my arms.

  I always thought it would be Ash who called time on the two of us. I always thought it would be her who would meet someone, that she’d want a life void of all the complication that surrounds our non-relationship. My heart shatters in my chest at knowing this is it for us.

  Her sobs quiet down into soft whimpers, and I almost feel her come back into herself. Resignation weighs me down as I will my arms to set her free.

  She straightens and swipes her fingers beneath her eyes and over her cheeks before she lifts her head to look at me. I freeze at her determined expression. Her squared shoulders and set jaw ring alarm bells in my head as the mood between us changes to something I wasn’t quite prepared for.

  With a curt nod, she stares at me for what feels like forever. Any words I should say get caught in my throat.

  I knew ending this wouldn’t be easy, but I never thought it would be damn near impossible because she knows more than anyone that I could never willingly let her go. Can’t she see I’m trying to do the right thing here?

  She reaches up to cup my jaw, ensuring she has my complete attention. “I may be about to leave, but I want you to know that it has to be you that walks away from us. You have to be the one to walk away for good, Drew because I’m not ready to give this up and I’m not sure I ever will be.”

  “Why?” I rasp, my own emotions threatening to overwhelm me. She lifts up on her toes and brushes her lips against mine in a kiss that’s barely there—the most meaningful kiss of my life.

  Then she takes a proverbial knife and guts me with her answer, making me want to take back everything I’ve just said and storm the goddamn Ross castle.

  “As long as I have hope, I’m never gonna be ready to let the idea of you go. You were always meant to be my last, and as long as I still have hope, I’ll continue to believe that.” Then she lets me go, turning toward the town car waiting at the curb.

  With one last, longing look up at me through the window, she’s driven off as I stand there frozen in place, fearing I’ve just kissed my future happiness goodbye.

  Another memory, another moment, and all I can do is whisper my own three little words, even though I know they’re for my ears only.

  “Forever and always.”

  Five months later

  Drew 27, Ashley 24

  Something is wrong with me.

  That’s the only excuse I can think of as to why I’m now more than thirty thousand feet in the air, flying across the country to see Ash. It’s been five long months since we’ve seen each other face to face. We email occasionally, but it’s never been the same as things were before I ended things. We both needed time to move past that fight. Probably the exact same one we’ll end up having tonight when I turn up on her doorstep like a madman.

  It’s been the same since we first started this thing. She pushes, I pull back, then I surge forward, realizing that she’s unlike any woman I’ve ever—and probably will ever—meet.

  This time, though? This is different. It’s a familiar yet uncomfortable feeling clawing away at my insides, making me feel half determined and sure of my actions, and half scared. Of what, I’m equally unsure and terrified.

  Millen probably thinks I’ve lost my mind. There we were, two friends catching up for our weekly after-work dinner and drinks, a tradition we’ve kept up since we graduated two years ago. He’s working his way from the ground up at Ross Corp, his family’s company. I’m working in sales and distribution for the same local Sacramento hospitality business I’ve been working for since leaving college and am this close to being promoted into the upper echelon of the company, something I’ve been working toward for a long time.

  It was my own fault, really. I’m the one who asked about Ashley. These past five months is the longest we’ve ever gone without seeing or talking to each other. It was an innocent question—in Millen’s eyes, anyway—so he had no reason to think twice before rocking my world.

  “Ash has met someone. A medical student from Harvard. It seems pretty serious. She even brought him home for Thanksgiving.”

  Ashley has never brought anyone home. That string between us, the long line that has withstood heartache and heartbreak, first times and last times, the good, the bad, the sick and the drunk times? Hearing Millen’s words pulled that slack line taut, and for the first time
since I met Ash nine years ago, I’m worried. More than that, I’m scared of letting her slip through my fingers. I always thought that that one day, we might have had a chance to be together. But every year that’s passed has brought another obstacle, another frustration, another something that’s either stopped us from moving forward or given me another excuse.

  Yet here I am, being a selfish jerk, buying an overpriced last-minute ticket to Boston. I want to look her in the eye and make sure that this guy—Cason—is making her happy. I can’t be the man to do it, but my one wish in life is that Ashley finds someone who does. In the way she deserves. In a way I dreamt I could make her.

  She’s the only woman I’ve ever been real with, one who knows me in a deep, meaningful, and intimate way that no one else does—or maybe ever will.

  Yet her brother is my best friend, my brother, a man who’d never knowingly cross me. He’s someone who’s always had my back and who would never forgive me for breaking a promise we made the very first day we met.

  Millen is the reason I have to make sure the woman I… that Ashley is happy. If I can’t be the one doing it, I’ll damn well make sure the man doing it is worthy of her.

  I know I can’t have her, and she doesn’t understand why things can’t just stay the same, yet I refuse to let her go completely. These five months apart was me giving her the space to try and move on even if I know I never can—or will.

  Knocking on her door at midnight when I shouldn’t even be here is crazy. What if she’s not alone? What if she’s in bed with him? Just that thought has my blood boiling in my veins and a flash of green coursing through me. What will I do if he answers the door? What will she do if I punch him in the face for daring to touch what’s mine—what should be mine?

  I knock one last time, about ready to walk away and sleep in my car when a faint light comes on above the inside stairs followed by soft footfalls and a shadow coming down toward the front door. I hear a clink of the peephole cover before the lock turns and the door opens revealing a half-asleep Ash looking fucking adorable in a hoodie and pajama pants, her hair tied up on top of her head.

  “Drew?” Her brows furrow as she rubs her hands over her eyes. “What time is it?”

  “You really don’t wanna know,” I reply sheepishly. It was completely impetuous and irrational to come here tonight. Then again, when have I not acted crazily when it comes to this woman? She drives me up the wall and turns me inside out.

  She yawns and shakes her head as if to clear away the sleep. Stepping back, she opens the door wider. “Well, are you coming in? You woke me up. The least you can do is make me a coffee and tell me why.”

  “You’re alone?” I ask stupidly as I walk inside and follow her into the living room. Like, what does it matter if she’s alone?

  It matters to me.

  “Give me a minute, okay?” She quickly turns and heads toward the staircase. I watch her run up to the next level and wonder why she didn’t answer that question. A few moments later, I have my answer.

  “Who was it?” a deep voice asks. I know her bedroom is directly above me. A stab of guilt slices through me, only until I realize that the man let her answer the door in the middle of the night without standing at her back. He didn’t even get his ass out of her bed to check the door for her. “It’s Drew. You don’t have to get up.”

  “Yes, I damn well do. What kind of man knocks on a girl’s door at this time of night?” he says, a little louder than before.

  “I can deal with this myself. It’s Drew. I’ve told you about him.”

  I open my mouth to say I don’t know what, considering I’m in the living room alone, but I clench my teeth together when he stupidly continues.

  “Yeah, I bet you will. Drew turns up in the middle of the night when I’m the man in your bed, and it’s him you’re handling.”

  I hear more footsteps and a creak in the bed.

  “Case.” She says it so quietly, I barely hear it. I imagine the soft look on her face. She uses the gentle tone of her voice I’ve heard many times over the years but always directed at me. Her sounding like that for him grates on me something chronic. But again, I can’t say anything because this is my own cross to bear. It was me who walked away. If I hadn’t, she would be talking to me like that.

  “You say one thing to me, then your beloved Drew turns up, and I can imagine exactly what kind of friend he wants to be. From where I’m standing, you’re about to let him pull your strings all over again.”

  I clench my fists together, pacing over to the window to keep myself from storming up the stairs and giving this asshole a piece of my mind. No one talks to my girl like that.

  “He’s just a friend now, Case. He has been for a very long time. Along with that comes history.”

  “Yeah, Ash, I get that, I do, but I’m not dumb.” A beat of silence passes before he continues. “I haven’t missed all the signs, the ones telling me I’m the wrong guy at the right time. With him turning up here out of the blue, now I’m thinking the right guy at the wrong time is downstairs in your living room, having knocked on the door like he’s entitled to do so.”

  He’s not wrong. I didn’t think about what would happen when I turned up until it was too late to back out. Now I’m here, listening to Ash argue with her boyfriend about me. What a mess.

  “He knew you’d let him in. He probably even knew you’d do it whether your so-called boyfriend was upstairs in bed beside you or not.” He’s near-on shouting by the end of his tirade, and it takes everything in me not to storm up the stairs and teach the boy a lesson in fucking manners.

  “It’s not like that, Case,” she says, her tone more agitated than before.

  Heavy footsteps cross above me. The bed shifts, a clang of metal against the floor, then more footsteps thump, and a door creaks open, the clatter of what sounds like keys hitting each other as it goes.

  When he speaks next, he’s at the top of the staircase, his words coming down to me as clear as day. “The thing is, Ash, I’m not willing to stick around and find out exactly what it is like. I’ve known for a while you’re not as into this as I am, and I was willing to suck it up and ride it out just to have that chance of making you happy—”

  “But you did—you do…” she chokes out, her voice breaking in the process.

  A few moments later, he’s walking down the stairs, stopping at the bottom, his head jerking my way as he levels me with a narrow glare. “Stop fucking her around, man. She’s not a woman you let slip through your fingers, and she’s definitely not a woman you want to ever regret missing your chance with. Whatever the fuck the deal is between you two—and don’t say nothing, ’cause I’m not stupid—sort it out before she gives up on you for good, because she doesn’t need to be strung along.”

  Ash comes down behind him, stopping on the bottom step. She reaches out and places her hand on his shoulder. He slowly shrugs it off and turns to face her, his entire body slumping, his gaze softening as he looks up at her.

  “I can’t be anyone’s second best, Ash. I can’t win a race blindfolded with one arm tied behind my back, which is what would have happened if we’d stayed together.”

  Her shoulders slump and her head drops, her body admitting defeat.

  He leans in and kisses her forehead before stepping back and letting her go. “For the record, I could’ve made you happy if you’d let me.” And with that, he walks straight out the front door and out of sight.

  That leaves me with one question: now what the fuck do I do? I just got her dumped, which wasn’t exactly my intention when I knocked on her door tonight. Or was it?

  She says nothing after standing there and watching him go. She doesn’t flinch; she doesn’t glare at me like I expect. Instead, her eyes grow flat, her body screaming resignation, not anger.

  I don’t get it, at first. I’d almost think she wasn’t that into the guy, but then again, I know my girl. She’s never been one to invest time in anyone who wasn’t worth it to her. She hasn�
�t just kept herself for me, and as much as I never liked the idea of anyone else being with her, I never asked or expected her to be monogamous when our relationship was always so undefined. My heart has always been faithful, my feelings for her forever unmatched. There’s no one in this world who will mean as much to me as Ashley Ross.

  As soon as we’re inside her condo’s living room, Ash lets rip. “Why are you here, Drew?”

  “I’m sorry, okay? I kind of just flipped when Millen said you were getting serious with this guy. I thought he’d be like all the rest and—”

  Her eyes widen, her chest heaving as she launches toward me, her finger poking my chest indignantly. “This,” she says, rapidly moving her hand between us, “this is what is wrong with us.” She spins away and starts pacing in front of the fire. “Case was right. How can I be with anyone else when all it takes is for you to snap your fingers and I’m back there all over again?”

  My head jerks back. “What do you mean? I’ve never been the type of guy who snaps my fingers at anyone, especially you, Ash. What we’ve got is…”

  “Complicated? Fucked up? Toxic? Amazing? One of a kind? Something that could cost me more than just my heart? Maybe my sanity, and any hope of a future with someone who actually wants to be with me.”

  Every word is like a shot straight through me. Every syllable another stab of the knife as she twists it deeper and harder into me, gutting me whole.

  “Ash…” The word leaves my lips like an epitaph. My heart is racing, my chest tight, my throat impossibly so. But nothing prepares me for what she lays on me next.

  “I try to get on with my life and just when I see the smallest glimmer of hope that there might be some way I can move on from you, you appear again and snatch it away, reeling me back in. And you don’t even have to try. You just turn up on my door, and all those feelings that I’ve been trying to lock away come right back to the surface and smash straight through anything I might be building with someone else.” She takes a sharp breath in and releases it slowly on a sigh. “Case is a good guy. He’s good to me. He’s not shy in showing the way he feels about me, or hiding the direction he wants us heading in.”