Third Strike

by BJ Harvey

  “Let me guess: good family connections?” I snide.

  This time she stops and stares at me before shaking her head. Her voice rises with every new jab she makes. “Don’t be a dick, Drew. You just don’t get it, do you? It’s never been about class or status or family connections. I want a man with goals that include me. I want someone who I can be with and not have to look over my shoulder the whole damn time. I want a man who can stand up for himself, what he wants and his right to have it—the same man you were when you were with me.” She pauses, her voice softening. “You’ve just never realized that you’ve always been that man for me—you’ve just been too scared to fight for it… or us.”

  My eyes sting, the look of resignation shining back at me my undoing.

  “Case broke up with me tonight because he knows I can’t give him everything he gives me. All of me is still tied up in you, and I never saw it because my judgment is so clouded.” She lets out a long, shaky breath, her eyes shimmering in the dim light of the low-burning fire. “But I see it so clearly now. I can’t move on. I can’t see past all that is us because it’s all I’ve ever known. The us that is fleeting and temporary yet steady and regular. The us that is me sitting and waiting and hoping for you to come to me and say you’re mine in the same way I’m yours, but it never happens.” I step toward her, wanting to comfort her, but she quickly lifts her hand to stop me.

  I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. What do I even say to that? I may be a spineless asshole when it comes to standing up for her and what we have, but I’ve never wanted to hurt her. Anything but that.

  She turns her back to me and walks over to the window, looking out toward the street, the low crack of the fire’s slow demise the only sound.

  When she speaks again, the soft devastation in her voice does more damage to me than any amount of yelling ever could. “Years of lying by myself in bed, wanting you and knowing I couldn’t have you in the way I wanted to. Only having the collection of parts you showed me and not the whole package used to be okay. I used to tell myself that it would be alright because, in the end, we’d end up together. But the longer it takes, the more I’ve come to realize that Case is right…”

  I cross the room to stand behind her, not touching her but close enough to feel her body heat, clenching my fists at my sides to stop myself from pulling her into my arms.

  “Say it, Ash.” I’m raw and ripped open, a glutton for punishment, needing to hear the words in the hope it’ll spur me into action. But even I know I’m not willing to take the risk until it’s time for forever, until I’m at that point where I can give her everything she is worthy of. I’m still not there though.

  “You’re ruining me for anyone else.”

  My chest seizes, my throat impossibly tight, so much so I start to doubt if I will ever breathe again. My stomach clenches as I wait for her to gut me.

  “And I’m not sure I can do it anymore.”

  We both let her confession hang in the sliver of air between us. The emotion as heavy as the fog clouding the street through the window. I’m fucking this up. I have fucked this up… us up. I’ve done this to us… to her. My issues, my baggage—everything I’ve used as an excuse to keep us apart, all the while being a selfish prick and refusing to let her go, has done this to her.

  “Do you… do you want to end this? A clean break?” Even that doesn’t do the extensive history we share any justice. We both know a clean break would be impossible since our lives are still so intertwined. Her family are like my family. Her brother is closer than any brother of mine could ever be. She is my family, my other half, the only woman I’ll truly ever love.

  She shakes her head and sighs, turning around and lifting her chin to face me. A sardonic and barely there smile fails to break through the somber mood. “Let’s just go to bed. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

  This time I can’t hold back, wrapping my arms around her waist and moving her until her back hits the living room wall. I dip my chin so my forehead rests gently against hers, her warm breaths fanning hard and fast across my skin. “Say it now, Ash. Tell me what you need from me, and I’ll do everything in my power to give it to you.”

  Her shimmering eyes meet mine, and this close, in the gaze of the soft firelight, I can see so much depth to them, even more than I’ve ever seen before. But what I also see is hurt, and regret. Regret I’ve caused. “Something has to give, Drew. You’re either all the way in or you let me go. One of us has to draw a line in the sand.”

  My throat is impossibly tight when I speak next. “And is this you doing that?” I really don’t want to hear the answer because that will force me to face a decision I’ve been running from since the day I met her. The very same day I fell for her.

  “I can’t, don’t you get that? Unlike you, I could never tell you to leave me.” She barely whispers, her breath catching as she takes a slow, rough breath in and then out. “But I’m not sure how much longer I can do this, Drew. I graduate in five months, and there are some decisions I’m going to have to make about the direction my career—my life—is taking me.”

  “What are you saying?” I ask, my voice thick with emotion.

  “I think… hopefully, by the time I graduate, we’ll both have some clarity.”

  “I want you, Ash. I don’t ever want you to doubt that.”

  “Yet five months ago, you chose my brother over me.”

  I reach for her, but she steps away, her hand going up to hold me off.

  “What I need to work out is whether I’m ever going to be okay with you never choosing me.”

  With one last look, she turns toward the hallway, pausing at the foot of the stairs. “The guest room is all made up. We’ll talk more in the morning.”

  And with that, she disappears from sight, leaving me standing there stunned and speechless.

  I’ll give her space tonight, but come hell or high water, it’s my mission for her to know exactly how much she means to me by the time she’s ready to graduate.

  I just need to sort my own shit out first.

  I wake up to the bed shifting and the covers being pulled back as Ash slides in beside me. With slow almost tentative movements, she moves in close, curving her body into my side and resting her head on my chest.

  “Ash?”

  “I needed to feel you,” she says, running her hand slowly across my skin. Dim moonlight streams through the open curtains as I reach across and stroke her hair, loving the soft strands as they glide through my fingers.

  Tilting her chin, I look down at her, feeling her gaze burning into mine. “You scared me tonight.”

  “I know. But maybe we both needed that.”

  “Ash, I can’t be with you tonight knowing you’ve already been with him.” It’s an asshole thing to say, but I promised I’d always be honest with her and that’s one vow I’ve never broken.

  “I haven’t been with him.”

  “Ash, it’s okay if you have—”

  She lifts up on her elbow and moves in close, her face all I can see. “I’ve never been with him, Drew. I haven’t been with anyone that way since the lake.” Her words wash over me. Relief courses through my veins.

  “I didn’t come here for this.” I’m desperate for her to know that, needing her to know that I had no expectations when I knocked on her door. I don’t know what I was doing; I was acting on impulse. But the one thing I’ve wanted most in our time apart was exactly this: Ash in my arms once more.

  “I couldn’t because he wasn’t you,” she whispers before touching her lips to mine. That magnetic intensity we’ve had since the day we met ignites, and I can’t hold back any longer. My fingers tug her hair, pulling her mouth to mine, my tongue seeking hers. She whimpers and deepens the kiss, moving her body over and pressing into me, her legs straddling my hips, her heat covering me. She trails her lips down my throat, her hand reaching between us to palm my cock.

  “I want to feel you. I want to remember how good we are. How right we are�
��”

  I open my mouth but the words I want to say escape me.

  Her exploration changes from lazy comfort to something more as she moves lower. I put my hand out to stop her.

  Needing to hide the pain caused by our fight earlier, I touch my lips to hers and pour everything I’m feeling into the kiss. I say the same thing I’ve said what seems like a million times over the years, trying to erase the disappointment, the hurt, all the times I’ve let her down and didn’t even know I was doing it, my fears, my love… everything I have in me to give to her in this moment, I hand over willingly. My touch is reassurance. My lips are promises. My body is an oath.

  “You’re making it hard to hold back.”

  “I’m making something hard…” Ash lowers her mouth to press a kiss over my heart, her fingers diving under the waistband of my boxers. She wraps them around my shaft.

  I groan, giving up the fight and pressing my head back into the pillow.

  “See? We work…” she rasps, her breath fanning over my skin as she shifts in the bed, her mouth making an invisible line down to my hips. “We fit,” she breathes as she slowly tugs my underwear down to mid-thigh, her hands’ agonizing movements teasingly slow.

  Her soft moan as she nuzzles the base of my cock sends vibrations through my core, my pulse speeding up when she grabs my hand from the bed and rests it on the back of her head. She turns and presses a soft kiss onto the inside of my wrist, then lifts up to run her tongue around the sensitive tip of my cock.

  “Jesus, Ash. You’re too fucking good at that.”

  “Only with you,” she murmurs before swallowing my cock all the way down and back again. My fingertips flex against her hair. I will myself not to control her movements but with every swipe of her tongue and gentle scrape of her teeth against the head, my body tenses, my climax threatening to rip me apart before I even get a chance to repay the favor. Not wanting that to happen, I gently ease her mouth off my cock, hooking my hands beneath her armpits and pulling her up on top of me. Framing her face, I jerk her mouth to mine, taking her lips in a blistering kiss. Her legs drop to either side of my hips, and she grinds her pelvis hard against mine, a gratifying moan escaping her as I buck up against her, sliding my cock through her slick heat. With one last stroke between her legs, the head of my cock catches at her entrance, and I fight against every basal instinct in my body to drive deep inside her then and there.

  “I need you, Drew,” she says, ripping her mouth from mine. She leans against my shoulder to catch her breath. “Show me why we’re so right together.”

  “Condom,” I spit out, my voice strained as I struggle to hold back. All I can feel, all I can smell, every one of my senses are focused on Ash.

  “I’m on the pill.”

  “Ash…” I growl, the grip on my self-control slipping the longer I wait.

  She runs her lips along my throat to just below my ear. “You’d never hurt me that way, Drew. I trust you more than anyone.”

  “I’ve never been with anyone without one.” My voice is rough. The importance of what she’s giving me…

  “Neither have I, but I want to be with you.” She rolls her hips, pushing my cock a little deeper.

  “Dammit, Ash.”

  She lifts up on her arms so she’s braced above me. Her hair brushes against my shoulders forming a shroud around us, shutting the world and reality out and cocooning us in.

  I rub my hands down to her hips, my fingers pressing into her skin, directing her as she rocks forward then drives herself home onto my cock, moaning long and loudly as I bottom out inside of her.

  She drops her forehead and locks her lips to mine, the lazy, languid strokes of her tongue so unlike her uncontrolled rolls back and forward. She pulls back so my shaft is bared to near the top then rams herself down again.

  She feels fucking unreal, so hot and tight and wet. It’s better than anything I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

  I was her first, and yet again she’s blowing my mind with the trust she’s giving me. I may not understand or be able to handle this intense connection we have, but when we’re like this—joined like this—the only thing I know for sure is that I’m where I belong. Ash was made for me in every possible way.

  She shrieks when I lift her up, impaling her deeper as I sit so she’s straddling me. My hands drag through her hair, gripping tight and savagely tugging her to me so I can drive my tongue inside her mouth as I buck my hips.

  I always thought if I ever slept with Ashley again, it would be soft, gentle, passionate love-making, full of emotion and feeling.

  But having her naked and all over me, my tongue spearing inside her mouth, colliding with hers, my climax building at the base of my spine, her muscles clenching around my cock threatening to unman me—is exactly how it always was, how it always should be.

  Her nails dig into my shoulders, the sting spurring me on. Our hips become erratic, our kisses messy, her whimpers louder, my grunts lower. I want to pour myself so deep inside her she never wants to come up for air. For her to feel every single thing I feel for her even if I can’t yet say the words out loud.

  She screams as she falls over the edge, pulling me right over with her. I flip her onto her back and drive into her two more times before planting myself to the hilt and growling through my release. I collapse beside her, pulling her over with me, our chests heaving as I slowly float back down to Earth.

  After grabbing a washcloth from the bathroom and cleaning us both up, I crawl back into bed beside her.

  “Thank you,” she murmurs, resting her cheek back on my chest, holding me close as if she never wants to let me go, her tears falling onto my skin.

  It’s doesn’t register until five months later that she didn’t just say thank you that night.

  She was saying goodbye.

  Four years later

  Drew 31, Ash 28

  Time is a funny thing. It can easily be taken for granted. You don’t realize how fast it can pass, or how much of it you’ve wasted until one of life’s many curveballs swings your way.

  I’ve already faced and conquered a few of so far, but none of them compare to the one Ash threw me when she left the day after her graduation, just shy of the five-month deadline she gave me that night in Boston.

  That day I was due to jump on a plane and throw caution to the wind, pull us into the light, and pledge my life to her. I had it all planned. I was going to rip off the band-aid and, in front of her parents and her brother, ask her to be mine and face whatever consequences came our way.

  I never got the chance. A phone call from Millen just as I was about to leave for the airport stopped me in my tracks.

  It was the same day I realized that Ash had finally lost hope in me—in us—and instead of waiting to see if I’d come through for her, she’d accepted a Ph.D. placement at a Switzerland university, leaving three months early to travel around Europe with Lucy.

  No warning. No call. No last chance.

  I tried to contact her only to discover she’d disconnected her number. I emailed her every day for the first few weeks, but she never replied. I took two weeks’ personal time, and drank myself into a stupor, resulting in Kayley letting herself in, and throwing ice-cold water over my head one very hungover morning.

  That’s not to say I didn’t continue on my self-destructive path—I just did it subconsciously after that.

  The one bright light was meeting Kenzie Sharp in a bar in Davis. Having taken over sales and distribution for my company, I had to travel a lot to scope out potential new clients, and it just so happened that one of the bars was the Shining Light Bar and Grill.

  The night I met her, I felt a flicker inside what had become a giant black hole in my chest. She had sass, she had style, and, during a drunken tirade when she stood on a bar and spoke of hope being dead and buried, I even saw something in her that called to me; she was a kindred spirit of sorts.

  She was the first person since Ash who I actively pursued. Somehow, I ign
ored everything she was telling me—and the things she didn’t realize she was giving away—and found myself falling for her. Looking back, I realize that what I saw in Kenzie was probably a lot like what Ash tried to see in me for all those years.

  She warned me she wasn’t in a place for something serious, and I thought I could change her mind. Women like Kenzie make you want to hope that life has other plans for you, that maybe everything that’s happened in your past were simply stepping stones toward something bigger and better.

  That delusion was soon knocked out of me like a sucker punch to the gut the day I walked in on Millen and Kenzie pressed up against a wall in the back of the bar while his fiancée was waiting for him in the restaurant.

  The determined Lana Mason had managed to do the unthinkable and lock down her man, and despite keeping up appearances in public, in private, I’d never seen Millen more conflicted in his life.

  When he invited me out for dinner and drinks one night and asked me to be his best man, to say I was shocked was an understatement.

  It was only after I confronted him about why he was kissing Kenzie when his ring was on another woman’s finger that he came clean about everything. Including how he’d met Kenzie three months earlier and how he’d had to walk away—for a number of reasons—but how there was something between them he could not deny.

  We’d never let a woman come between us during our friendship up until that point, and we agreed that we weren’t about to let that happen with her either.

  When he took Kenzie away to the lake house while still engaged to Lana, I made the second-biggest mistake of my life—I got drunk and slept with Lana.

  I don’t know what I was thinking, but losing any chance with Kenzie—despite knowing it was never gonna happen—I sank back down to rock bottom.

  Time and space away from everyone made me realize I’d been barreling head-first toward self-destruction for a long time. Lana just epitomized it.