by Eva Haining
Tears spill down my cheek as my heart breaks for Kirby, Mason, and Janey, and for Lottie. I can’t believe she’s gone. Kirby’s anguished cries will stay with me as long as I live.
The doctor offers to take us up to see Mason and Janey, but I’m not sure Kirby even hears him, and he’s in no fit state to see them right now.
“Thanks, doc. Can we have a few minutes for him to… he needs a minute. Is Mason awake yet?”
“No. He won’t be awake for hours, and he doesn’t know about his mom yet.”
“And I assume Janey won’t be conscious at all right now?”
“If she makes it through the night, it could be days before she’s conscious. Her body has suffered severe trauma.”
“We’ll break the news to Mason about his mom. Just tell me where to go, and I’ll bring Kirby up when he’s ready.”
“Of course.” He tells me the floor and room number and assures me he’ll be in to check on them and speak further with Kirby.
“Thank you.” When he leaves, I’m not sure if Kirby even notices. Holding onto him as he sobs in my arms, I don’t know what to do. There’s nothing I can say to make this better. Nothing to do but hang on and let him know I’m here, giving what little strength I can in this moment. His entire body is shaking, and I’ve never seen anyone look as pale as he does right now—in the worst moment of his life.
“Do you want me to call anyone? Your mom? Her mom? A.B.?”
He drops to his knees with his head in his hands. “I’m going to wake up. This is just a bad dream and an awful nightmare. I’ll wake up any second, and she’ll be lying next to me in our bed, safe and sound. Janey will run in and start jumping on the bed like she does every morning, and Mason will come barreling in behind her.”
I crouch at his side. “I wish that were the case, brother. If I could pinch you and wake you up from this devastating tragedy, I would.” Tears spill from my eyes. “I’m so sorry, Kirby. Lottie was such an amazing woman.” I can’t get the words out. I saw their happy little family together just last week, so vibrant and happy.
“She is. Don’t say was. She is. They could’ve gotten it wrong. What if it’s another family? Other people from the crash.” I know he’s clutching at straws. He knows deep down that this isn’t a mistake or a nightmare he can wake up from. I read somewhere that doctors specifically say that a patient died. It’s supposed to help people grieve or something.
“Lottie is gone, Kirby. She died, and I’m so fucking sorry.” I can barely speak past the lump in my throat. “I need you to hold it together right now for Mason and Janey. I know that’s more than anyone should ask of you, but they need their dad.”
“I need their mom. I need Janey to pull through. I can’t do this. This isn’t how our family is supposed to be.”
“I know, brother. I know. I need you to find the strength to get them through this, and I’ll give you every ounce of strength I have to get you through this.”
Fourteen
BELLE
After the way Knox and I left things, I’m not sure if he’ll appreciate me turning up unannounced, again. I keep in touch with A.B., just the odd text here and there, but when I heard from her yesterday, she was so distraught. Her best friend, Lottie, was killed in a car accident.
I called her immediately, leaving the studio for a quiet spot to talk. When she told me what happened, I remembered that we’d met at the ranch the night Knox and I went for dinner. She was so nice, very beautiful, and she doted on her kids. You could just tell she was a good mom. She was so full of life. I can’t wrap my head around the thought that one moment she had so many years of life and love ahead, and that future was taken in an instant. She won’t see her kids graduate high school or wave them off to college. She won’t watch her daughter walk down the aisle on her wedding day or see her son become a man and start his own family.
A.B. is a doctor, and I’m sure she has a greater understanding of life and death after seeing it up close day in and day out, but it’s different when it’s a close friend—someone she’d known since kindergarten. Their daughters are best friends. How do you explain to your child that their best friend’s mom died? What do you say that doesn’t make them afraid that something could happen to their mom? Death isn’t something kids should have to face.
When she told me that Knox was with Kirby when he got the call and had gone with him to the hospital, my heart broke for him. He was my rock when Johnny was rushed to the hospital. I can only imagine how difficult this was for him being strong for his friend, and at the same time, grieving a life-long friend.
The moment I hung up the call with A.B., I started packing a bag. If Knox doesn’t want me there at the funeral, I’ll leave, but I can’t just sit back and do nothing. Even if all I can offer is friendship, I’d like to do that, not only for Knox but for A.B. as well. She’s been such a sweet friend to me.
When I get to the airport, I realize I don’t have the right to just burst in on Knox’s life without asking. Not this time. With my hands shaking, I tap out a quick text as I stand in line for check-in.
Me: I’m so sorry about your friend.
Knox: How did you know?
Me: A.B. told me. We keep in touch. You all have my condolences.
Knox: Thank you.
Me: Are you okay?
Knox: No. It’s been a week since she died, and I still can’t believe it.
I wait a moment before sending my next message. I’m nervous.
Me: I want to come and be with you for the funeral tomorrow. Would that be okay? You were there for me at a difficult moment in my life, and I’d like to do the same for you as a friend.
Watching the damn dots, I feel like I’m going to hurl. If he says no, I won’t be selfish. As hard as it would be, I’ll turn around and walk out of this airport.
Knox: Come. I want you. Come now.
My heart both breaks and takes flight. I know Knox, and it’s not in his nature to all-out ask me to go to him. As much as he makes my heart skip a beat, I’m equally heartbroken that he’s hurting so much he’s willing to accept my offer of friendship.
Me: I’m at the airport. I’ll be there by midnight.
Knox: Do you want me to pick you up?
Me: I’ve already organized a car. You at the farmhouse?”
Knox: Yeah.
Me: Then I’ll be on your doorstep in a few hours.
Knox: Belle… thank you.
If I’d thought ahead, I would’ve checked in online for this flight. I only have a carry-on suitcase. Minutes feel like hours as I navigate through the airport, and hours are like days as I get closer to where I need to be. Every fiber of my being is focused on one singular goal—I have to get to Knox.
After hours on the flight, I’m exhausted as I wind my way through the back roads that lead to Kingsbury Falls. When I finally see the Welcome to Kingsbury Falls sign, a wave of relief washes over me. The last five minutes take forever as I direct the Uber driver to the farm.
“Here is fine, thanks.” I give him a large tip, drop my bag next to the barn, and take off at a sprint down the path to Knox’s house. My bag would just weigh me down, and I’m too desperate to wrap my arms around him and show him whatever love and support he’ll let me.
The moment I see the lights of the farmhouse, my heart swells with such a sense of belonging—something I’ve never felt before. My tired legs find a new burst of energy at the sight of the house. I’m seconds away from being back in Knox’s arms.
When I reach the front door, I don’t wait for him to come out, flinging the door open so hard I’m worried I might have dented the sheetrock with the handle.
“Knox! Knox!” He’s not in the living room or the kitchen. Maybe he’s asleep. It’s the middle of the night, after all. My hands are shaking, and my pulse is racing, but I try to compose myself. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep, but I don’t want to wake Knox if he’s sleeping.
I head back to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water
from the refrigerator, and when I close the door, I sense him behind me before I turn around to see him standing in the doorway in nothing but a pair of low-slung gray sweats.
“Hey, girl.” His southern drawl is like a sultry caress. He runs his hand through his messy hair, and I rush into his arms, my lips crashing down on his with such a ferocity I can barely contain it. The scent of his cologne invades my senses and soothes my soul.
I pull back for a moment because I need to look him in the eye—to see how he’s doing. “I’m so sorry, Knox.” He slides his hands into my hair, his eyes glassy with unshed tears. “What can I do? How can I help?”
He presses his lips to mine. “I can’t.”
“Talk to me, Knox.”
His lips find mine once more. “Just let me love you, Belle, if only for tonight. Please.” A single tear escapes him, rolling down his chiseled cheek. “Let me love you.”
This is one thing I can do for him. For tonight. For the rest of my life if I thought it would make him happy and assuage his grief. “I’m here for you, Knox.”
“I…” His voice shakes as he stands before me, a broken man.
“You don’t have to talk. It’s okay. For once, let me be your strength. Take me to bed, Knox. Please, don’t say any more because my heart can’t withstand another beat of distance between us.” I cup his face in my hands as he presses his body to mine, the evidence of his arousal hard against my thigh.
“I don’t have any condoms.” My heart sinks as my body screams out for him. I need him more than my next breath, and I know he needs me too.
“I don’t care. I can’t wait, and I won’t walk away from how desperately I want you at this moment. Make love to me, Knox. Skin to skin, I want to feel you inside me.”
Every fiber of my being craves him, even though I know it’ll kill me when it comes time to say goodbye again. For now, I’m going to savor every inch of his body and love him with an aching ferocity.
His lips envelop mine in a desperate kiss as he sweeps me off my feet and strides down the hallway to his bedroom. Every move and twitch of his muscles are drenched with urgency. He can’t hold back, and neither can I. The second he sets me down, I reach for his sweats, pushing them down over his hips, letting his erection spring free.
Knox doesn’t waste time trying to be delicate with my clothes, instead tearing them from my body before kissing his way from my mouth, down my body to where I’m slick and ready for him.
There’s no time for foreplay as lazy pleasure is replaced with something primal—visceral—something life-changing. I’ve never had sex with a guy without a condom, but everything inside me right now craves this man in every way possible.
“Are you sure?” His voice is dark and dripping with desire.
“Make love to me, Knox.” As his name leaves my lips in a litany of worship, I can’t contain the moan that escapes me. He lets out a guttural roar as he slides his cock inside me, sinking to the hilt before taking my mouth with a passion so fierce it threatens to consume us both.
This isn’t a frantic fuck, and yet it has the same intensity. Not just a physical intimacy—that’s never been an issue for us—but a deep-seated emotional connection I know will wreck me.
“Belle… oh God, you feel so fucking good.” As he slowly thrusts his hips, he takes me to the brink of insanity every time he pulls back, his cock stroking the length of me. Teasing me. Owning me. “I love you, Belle.” My name is an anguished plea, full of grief and sorrow and love. I hold him close, letting him lose himself with me, if only for a few hours.
“I love you, too, Knox.”
As we find release locked in each other’s arms, Knox sounds more pained than pleasured. He’s quick to pull out and slump onto the bed beside me, leaving me bereft. Throwing his arm up over his eyes, he tries to hide the emotion bubbling to the surface.
“Knox, are you okay?” Suddenly, I’m very conscious of the fact that we just had life-altering sex without any barriers between us. He doesn’t answer. “Did I do something wrong?”
“I feel like my heart is going to explode.”
“What can I do?” The rise and fall of his chest betray his attempt to shrug it off.
“She’s gone. Dead. Kirby’s completely broken.”
I reach out my hand, letting it rest over his heart. “I’m so sorry.”
“Why are you here, Belle?”
“Because I love you.” He lowers his arm, turning to face me, his stunning gaze swallowing me whole. “Should I have stayed away?”
“No. I want you here, but I’m terrified to love you.”
“You don’t need to be. We’ll figure it out.”
“I was there with Kirby when the doctor told him the love of his life didn’t make it. I’ve never seen someone so destroyed. The light left his eyes, his hope torn to shreds. The only thought in my mind as I held him up was that I wanted to see you. To touch you and taste you and never let you go.”
“I’m right here, and I’m yours if you want me.”
“Of course, I do. That’s never been the problem. I just hate the idea of holding you back in any way. I only want the best for you, and I don’t know if I fit into your life, but the only thing more terrifying than daring to take a chance on us is the thought of letting you go. Life is so fucking fleeting. I don’t want to waste another day fighting against how I feel for you.”
“Then don’t fight it, Knox. Love me. Let me love you. We can figure the rest of it out later.”
“Kirby is a shell of a human being right now. I don’t think he’ll ever recover, and I know I wouldn’t if I lost you.”
I lean over, pressing my lips to his with tender affection. “You can’t lose me if you never let yourself be with me, and if your friend’s passing teaches us anything, it’s that we don’t know how long we get to love the people in our lives. I know our situation isn’t ideal, but if the choice is a long-distance relationship with you or a regular relationship with anyone else, I’d choose you, every single time, Knox. If it’s stolen moments, long-weekends, or being in your arms for a few hours a month, I want it.”
My heart is racing, but I need him to know—to understand that with him, I’m all in.
“How long can you stay? I’m guessing you shouldn’t even be here right now.” I’m not sure if he’s ignoring my declaration of undying love.
“A few days.” My heart sinks.
“Then I guess we start with that, and like you said, figure the rest out later. I love you, Belle, and I’m sorry I pushed you away. I thought it was the right thing to do. I didn’t want to hold you back.”
“You have the opposite effect on me, Thomas Knox. You make me feel like I can fly when we’re together.”
“I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I won’t make the same mistake twice. I walked away once, and I can promise you now that I’ll never do it again.”
I pull his arm to rest over my shoulder as I snuggle in at his side. “I like that promise.”
We lie in comfortable silence for a while, just being in each other’s arms and soaking it all in. Tomorrow will be a tough day for the entire town as they say goodbye to one of their most beloved members of the community. I can’t even imagine how Lottie’s family must be feeling right now. Johnny is the only person in the world that I consider family, and almost losing him was like a dagger to my heart. If I’d lost him, I don’t think I would ever have come back from it. A small piece of me would’ve died with him.
Long after Knox falls asleep, my brain is wide awake and ready to create. I don’t know why I can’t train the damn thing to write music on the same schedule as the sun rising in the sky. Instead, I rarely get enough sleep and could definitely be mistaken for a vampire or werewolf howling at the moon.
I don’t have my guitar with me, so I grab my phone and creep down the hallway to the kitchen. Going in search of a pen and paper, I open the voice memos app and start recording. If I hum the melody and the snippets of lyrics, I can flesh it
out in the daylight hours. Knox might be the greatest inspiration for my song-writing skills. I’ve penned at least two albums worth of songs about him in the past month alone.
It’s only when I’m done that I realize I left my bag at the side of the barn, and I need my dress for the funeral in the morning. I don’t want to wake Knox, and it’s the middle of the night, so I’m not going to bump into anyone. I’m wearing one of his t-shirts, and it’s longer than some of the dresses in my closet back home.
It’s a balmy Texas night, so I slip my feet into the cowboy boots by the door and head out to retrieve my bag. It only takes me a few minutes to get there and find my bag, but it’s dark as hell out here. I forgot there’s very little light pollution on the farm. Pulling out my phone, I try to light my way back to the house, almost tripping in these oversized boots. That’d be just great if Knox found me out here with a twisted ankle and my bare ass showing.
I’m startled by a voice coming from the barn. “I’m assuming you must be Mirabelle.”
I can hear the similarity to Knox’s deep, dulcet tone, but it’s older and wiser. My heart sinks, and I turn to face the music.
“Yes, sir.”
“My son has only good things to say about you. He didn’t warn us that you’d be rummaging around in the grass in the middle of the night.”
“I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t mean to disturb you. I didn’t think anyone would be up and about at this time.”
His smile is warm-ish as he considers me. I wish the ground would swallow me whole right now. I can’t believe this is how I’m meeting Knox’s father. “One of the perils of being a farmer. It messes with your body clock, even when you retire.”
“I can imagine.”
He eyes me warily. “Do you love him?”
“Not one for small talk, are you, Mr. Knox?”
“You get to an age where you’re too tired for that horsecrap. And on days like today, it makes you realize there’s no time like the present. So, do you love my son?”
