Hammer Time

by M J Marstens

  But the hammer might as well be welded to my bed frame. Because it won’t move.

  I try three more times before I collapse forward, hands falling to my lap as I start to sob. My chest twists so tight that it cracks.

  Khepri is out there and in danger, trying to kill a god he’s lost to before ... and the fucking hammer won’t even move to let me help him?

  “Why?” I scream at the inanimate object. “Why?”

  A voice answers, “Because you would dishonor his sacrifice.”

  I turn to see Raiden standing in my door. I hold my arms out toward him and he walks forward. He takes a seat next to me and pulls me into a tender hug. His touch soothes my agitation away, the way a breeze breaks the heat on a midsummer day.

  A tear streaks down my cheek and a sob gets stuck in my throat, making me cough.

  Raiden rocks me gently, his hand smoothing down my back. “We will help him, Val. But you do not need your father’s power. Your incredible cygnus form ...” He shudders even as he speaks, as if even imagining my swan form causes him intense pleasure. He swallows hard and pulls back slightly so he can look me in the eyes. His dark gaze is serious. “But we should hurry. Before the arrogant shit gets himself—“

  I nod and stand, effectively cutting him off.

  Raiden helps me up and walks me back through the house to where Dev and Tupac have armed themselves with household objects: a fireplace poker, an umbrella, a small lamp with a gold shade, and the smartest choice— a kitchen knife.

  I run back to the window to peer outside. The breath leaves my lungs when I see Ra has Khepri in a headlock and my handsome god has blood dripping from his mouth. His eyes meet mine for a split second before I see Ra raise a huge dagger.

  Fuck!

  I’m rabid. I’m frantic. I slam my hand against the door. I scream, “Raiden, wind now! Use wind. Break wind! Break the damn door!”

  Raiden lifts his hand and hurricane level winds blast the door and the pile of shit in front of it.

  The door slowly opens and we all burst through.

  22

  Khepri

  Admittedly, I’m getting my ass handed to me by Ra. Before, I let him win because it was part of my plan to help Nut. Now, I need to win for this new plan to succeed—one where I humiliate Ra by kicking his butt in one-on-one combat.1

  The Greeks emulated us and built huge amphitheaters to host their ass-kickings. In fact, I’m fairly certain that modern-day wrestling stems from what Ra and I are doing right now—except, it’s not fake. I’m not over here pulling punches like Samoa Joe.2 And Ra might be a pretty boy, but he packs a mean punch.

  I duck just as he throws another fist at my face, his expression the foulest scowl—which is hard to see with an eclipsed sun and a swarm of gnats.

  Ra hates traitors and I hate little bitches—so our anger is probably pretty mutual at this point.

  I swipe at his side and he jumps back.

  “You deceitful betrayer! You are a smear on the good name of sun gods! A shadow! A blight!” he screams in ancient Egyptian.

  I snort and throw a shitball at his face—a really gloppy one.

  “That’s fucking rich since every sun god is a conniving dick!”

  I take great satisfaction when Ra takes my crap to his face.

  Behind me, I hear a giant BOOM and I turn briefly to see the others running toward me—Val and Tupac leading the pack. I groan. If they intervene now, Ra will never stop attacking them! They will have violated what he considers sacred combat.

  I spin back to Ra, who is frantically trying to dislodge semi-liquefied poop from his nostrils.

  “I take it back—almost every sun god is a conniving dick, but I know a good one. This one is for him.”

  Before Ra can blink, I throw a right hook that he never saw coming (he’s got shit for eyes, right now). I can be a mean bastard, too, when needed. I punch him three more times across the jaw. The fucker is strong—I’ll give him that—all he does is stagger back a bit, but he doesn’t fall once.

  “Those were for Tupac, Raiden, Val, and all the other demis.”

  I wait for my words to register; then, I rush him hard, tackling his midsection and bringing him to the ground. I raise my fist, intent on knocking out the cosmic cumstain.

  “And this one is for Nut, the Demigodling, and me!”

  But, just as I’m about to lower my fist, Ra lets out a burst of blinding light—and when I say blinding, I mean blinding. Just like that, I can’t see a thing, which is bad because last time I checked, Ra still had a death dagger in his hands.

  How is a death dagger different from a regular dagger, you might ask; well, let me tell you. A regular dagger just makes normal puncture wounds in its victim—perfectly harmless in the long-run if you are a god (which I am). BUT, a death dagger is a weapon specifically crafted by all the gods of death—that’s a shit-ton of gods, too. They’re like sun gods or rabbits; they just keep multiplying. This dagger can strip the immortality from a god, making it my number one goal not to get stabbed by it.

  I yell for the others to stay back, even though I can’t see what I’m doing. I fumble blindly, my hands trying to reach for Ra as my thoughts race.

  Val lost her immortality when she lost her virginity and Dev is equally vulnerable. Ra could kill them with a flick of his dagger or a minor solar flare.

  Tupac is just a demi and Raiden is a hot-headed fool who will end up stabbed quicker than he can blink.

  Fuck—I am the only one equipped enough to fight Ra! The others weren’t supposed to leave the safety of Thor’s house!

  Too late, I can feel them at my back, dragging me away from the fight. I hear the hot sizzle of electricity arcing in the air and I know Raiden and Val are giving Ra a dose of his own medicine.

  I hear the sun god scream in agony. But I don’t even feel an ounce of satisfaction.

  His agony was supposed to come from me.

  I’m furious that they took my fight from me. But underneath that fury is a deep layer of self-loathing. I was losing. They know it. I know it. Ashamed, I hang my head and wait for my vision to clear. I was supposed to defeat Ra—it was my only goal and I failed.

  “Khep—are you ok, man?” Dev asks in a shaky whisper near my left ear.

  “Ra blinded me. It’s temporary, but I can’t see a thing.” I choke out the words, feeling as small and useless as a child.

  “Shit, that’s not good,” he mutters. “We need a different plan.” Dev says this last part mostly to himself.

  “Tupac, get Val and Raiden! Meet us back in the house! Fucking hurry!”

  “I don’t like to fuck in a rush—” Tupac starts.

  “TUPAC!” Dev roars.

  “Sheesh, can’t anyone take a sex joke around here? I’m going; I’m going.”

  “Just run with me, I’ll get you in the house,” Dev directs and I follow his lead.

  All is well until I slam into the door jamb. Even though I can’t see, red lines flash across my eyes as I knock myself nearly unconscious. Fuck—I’ve had my ass handed to me by Ra and a door casing today. That’s … sad.

  “Khepri! Fuck, man! Sorry. Here—this way,” Dev apologizes.

  I rub my forehead sardonically.

  “Remind me to never have you lead me anywhere again,” I tell Dev wryly as he successfully—this time—leads me inside of the safe house.

  Just as spots begin to dance before my eyes and my vision slowly returns, the other three join us and I breathe a sigh of relief.

  Thank fuck everyone’s ok—that Val’s ok. My eyes travel down her form and I realize her bra strap has slipped down. I lean forward and right it gently for her, dragging my fingers lightly over her shoulder.

  I apologize for my failure with my look, but not words. It’s too painful to say aloud, plus, I’m not sure she could respond yet. Both Raiden and she are panting heavily.

  I’m not the only one to notice.

  “Sounds like you two were getting it on hard core,” Tupac
comments with an eye-waggle.

  “DUDE!” Dev admonishes. “Focus—for one freaking minute! Think about an orgy after we’ve defeated Ra. That is—if we defeat him. We need a new plan. Sorry, Khep, but your ass almost got stabbed too many times for you to do this on your own. We’re a team.”

  “Dev’s right,” Val agrees, crossing her arms.

  My head drops and I feel her disapproval like a slap.

  “About the orgy?” Tupac wonders hopefully and we all shove him. “What?! Was it something I said?”

  “Ugh. You’re such a little horndog,” Val laughs at him.

  “Hey! My horndog is not little, thank you very much!” Tupac counters.

  “Oh, go jack off in the corner while the adults discuss important shit,” Dev snaps.

  “Calm down, everyone. Tu—keep your dick in your banana hammock. Ra is still outside and I don’t really want to test my dad’s wards on this house. And I was saying that Dev’s right that we need to work as a team.”

  She gives Tupac a pointed look and he deflates a little at her lack of orgy talk.

  “Khepri—what was that dagger Ra had? Some ritual Egyptian slicer ‘n dicer?”

  “Death dagger,” I grit out.

  I feel like someone beat the crap out of me—FYI, Ra didn’t. He just got in some lucky punches. Oh, and the door jamb got in a good smack to my forehead, too.

  Raiden inhales sharply at my announcement.

  “Erm … what’s the difference between a regular dagger and a death dagger?” Dev wonders.

  Now, you understand why I explained earlier. Humans think a knife is a dagger is a sword is an equally lethal weapon.

  Wrong.

  I explain to Dev just why a death dagger is so dangerous to a god.

  “Does that mean it’s not hazardous to me?” he asks.

  Humans are so cute in their naivety.

  “No, stupid. It just means it kills you instantly,” Raiden answers in his usual tactful manner—not.

  “So, this dagger can render any god mortal?” Val queries, chewing on that delicious bottom lip of hers.

  “Any god,” I confirm.

  “Even Ra?”

  I pause as her words sink into my head and watch as an idea begins to form in hers.

  “Yeah ... even Ra,” I verify.

  “Then, we need to stab him with his own dagger.”

  “And I can barbeque his ass, afterward,” Raiden finishes triumphantly.

  “I’m not so sure your lightning power will be enough to subdue him long enough. His solar power helps mitigate the damage your electricity can do,” I caution.

  “Can we stab him again with the dagger?” Val suggests.

  “Sure. . . if you’re lucky enough to get in another shot,” I snort.

  “Well, we are,” Val states. “And I’m infusing the second stabbing with my Valkyrie powers.”

  “You’re going to turn him into a swan?” Dev asks in confusion.

  Raiden grins evilly.

  “No—she’s going to kill him.”

  23

  Val

  “Exactly,” I confirm. “I’m going to infuse death into the, ah, death dagger. Wow, that sounds super redundant.”

  Dev chuckles.

  “I smell what you’re stepping in,” he says.

  “What’s that mean?” Raiden asks Tupac.

  “It means she’s stepping in shit and he can smell it,” Tupac explains.

  Raiden and Khepri wrinkle their noses.

  “Humans are weird,” Kung-Fu tells Khepri.

  “Do the shit jokes never end?” Khepri laments with a shake of his head.

  “Guys—problem,” Dev pipes up.

  “What?” I ask, already on edge.

  “We haven’t solved the sun problem yet. What are we going to do about the sun if we succeed in actually killing Ra? It’s going to drop and destroy all of humanity—we’re goners regardless!”

  Tupac carefully clears his throat. “I know that you all only view me as good for fucking, but I have other talents. Namely, solar ones.”

  Dev looks at him skeptically. “But didn’t you already … um … try that?”

  Raiden snorts. “Yes. He was an epic failure.”

  I shoot both of them a reprimanding look. “Not helping.” I turn to Tupac and run my hand down his thick bicep. His sun rises in response. I step closer. He just needs confidence to access and better control his powers. Just like I always did.

  I rub against his hard on slightly and say, “You fantastical horndog! You can catch the fiery ball in the sky!”

  I think my tactic works, because he says, “Don’t let it ever be said that Lover can’t catch some balls!” with a dirty grin.

  “Ok, Raiden—you’re on winds. I’ll transform into my swan and sizzle Ra’s ass. Khepri—toss him as much shit as you can. Between the three of us, we should be able to distract him enough to get the dagger and stab him a couple of times. Tupac, be on the lookout for this because the sun is coming down. Everyone, put your hands in!”

  Tupac grins and places his hand on top of mine. Khepri and Raiden look confused, but follow suit. I wait for Dev to join, but hear him politely clear his voice, instead.

  “Aren’t you forgetting someone, Val?” he asks.

  “What? No. I’m waiting for you, goof. Get your hand in here!”

  “I mean—what am I doing to fight Ra?”

  “Oh, um ...”

  I trail off weakly.

  Dev is different. He isn’t a fighter like Raiden and Khepri and he can’t catch the sun like Tupac—not that he isn’t talented and special—I just don’t want to risk him getting stabbed by Ra. As Khepri explained, it would likely be fatal. I know I’m being hypocritical since I’m equally mortal, but being a demi and having swan powers gives me an advantage that he doesn’t have.

  I don’t know what I would do if I lost Dev. But, I can see by his wounded look how much I’ve hurt him with my hesitation.

  “How’s your throwing arm?” I ask him.

  “Um … I played tee-ball,” he offers.

  “Awesome!” I crow with a big smile at him. “You’re going to help distract Ra. Throw anything and everything you can at him—but for fuck’s sake, stay out of his way. All of you!”

  Dev smiles and nods, and I sigh in relief. This time, he sticks his hand on top of mine stacked on Raiden’s, Khepri’s, and Tupac’s.

  “Two, four, six, eight—who are we going to obliterate? RA!” The three gods gaze blankly as I lift my hand and cheer.

  Dev scrunches his nose up. “I only played ball for a year but that’s not how I remember that going ... isn’t it ‘two, four, six, eight—who do we appreciate’ and, then, you say the other team’s name in a show of good sportsmanship?”

  I throw my arms up in exasperation.

  “Ugh! You’ve all ruined my pep rally and, yes, Dev—but we aren’t ‘appreciating’ Ra, we’re trying to kill him. Remember?”

  “Right, sorry.”

  Just then, the house is flooded with bright piercing light. It’s white and feels invasive.

  “Ra,” Khepri grits out.

  “Come out, come out, wherever you are!” sings a taunting voice outside of the safety of our Thor-warded home.

  “Go fuck yourself, go fuck yourself, wherever you are!” Raiden rejoins in a thunderous voice.

  The rest of us stare at him in shock.

  “What?” he wonders.

  “That was ...” I start.

  “Hot,” Tupac finishes, giving Raiden a thorough once over, making the Japanese weather god frown.

  “I’m not hot. I’m powerful,” he corrects.

  “You can be both,” I soothe, though personally, I agree with Tupac’s assessment. Raiden’s angry yell was alpha-hot. “Now, let’s go kick some Rass—that’s Ra-Ass combined.”

  Khepri shakes his head, chuckling. “Right, it’s Rass killing time.”

  We line up shoulder to shoulder and Khepri slowly opens the door as my he
art starts a hopping techno beat inside my chest.

  This time, when we burst from the house, it’s not in a panic, but as a cohesive unit with a single purpose: to bring Rass down.

  Immediately, Raiden blasts Ra with a gale force enough to flatten a small town. Ra takes the assault well, standing even as he’s blown backward a few feet across the meadow.

  Ra raises his hands and I expect fire to come shooting our way. Instead, I hear a distant lowing, that rapidly becomes louder. A dull thump in the grass becomes a stampede. Seconds later, cows from the surrounding farms burst through the trees and into the meadow. Their eyes glow green, like they’re possessed. In the trees behind them, squirrels with glowing green eyes chatter at us from the trees.

  Dev stage whispers, “The fourth and fifth plagues!”

  Tupac shoots a fireball at the nearest cow. “Cookout!” he yells. “How do you like your steak?”

  “Definitely not still mooing,” Dev replies.

  The other cows rush at Tupac, but he creates a fire circle around us, keeping the possessed animals at bay. Raiden starts to jolt the bovines who test the fire circle with lightning.

  The squirrels launch an aerial assault. They leap from the trees, sailing down at my guys with furious little warrior shrieks that I didn’t know squirrels could make. Dev opens his umbrella and uses it as a shield to knock away the squirrels and keep them outside the circle.

  I shift into my cygnus form and take to the air, my wings lifting me easily and maneuvering like I’ve been flying all my life.

  I keep my eyes on Ra. I’m filled with fury just at the sight of him, but I cage that rage, trap it with concentration and focus. I open my beak and let orange lightning zap out at the insufferable man who oppressed demis for so long—who planned to kill us all simply because we were part human.

  Ra doesn’t take our attack lying down. He raises his hand, calling forth more light. That asshole’s gonna try to blind us again? Sorry, Ra, get a new party trick.

  I close my eyes in time not to be blinded, and I hope the others had the foresight to do so, as well. When I open my eyes again, Ra isn’t in the same spot. I look for his creepy-ass falcon head and find it in direct combat with Khepri—again.