Soap Opera Uncensored: ISSUE 8

by Nelson Branco

do you feel about your brother, Nicholas?

  A unicycle that is missing one wheel.

  Do you love your father, Victor? Does he love you?

  Next question, please.

  What’s it like living in a town with intellectually challenged people and being the smartest person in town?

  Calling me the smartest person in Genoa City is like calling me the world’s tallest midget. It’s like playing Duck-Duck-Goose with a room full of kindergarteners. Every now and then they get lucky, every now and then they gang up, but in the end, they are just kindergarteners.

  Do you think Phyllis has a sexual crush on you?

  Yes. But let’s help her keep her secret; only half the world has picked up on how obvious it is.

  Does anything scare you?

  In a word: No.

  Do you still worry you’ll become blind like your mother?

  I did for many years. But after this groundbreaking surgery, I no longer obsess over it.

  What do you do for fun?

  Chess. Sudoku. Clay sculpting. Target shooting.

  Do you wish you had friends?

  Friends are overrated. The closer you let someone get to you, the more they can hurt/disappoint you.

  Do you think Ashley will ever forgive you?

  I certainly hope so, but I don’t expect that she will, or that she should.

  Do you ever think of having kids?

  Why would I? Look how I turned out.

  What hair product do you use?

  Up yours.

  Favourite movie?

  The Talented Mr. Ripley, The Devil’s Advocate, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, All About Eve, and Alfred Hitchcock’s Rope.

  Song?

  Beethoven’s works.

  Boxers or briefs?

  Neither.

  What do you know for sure?

  I know, with absolute certainty, that while we all live, we will endure pain, until we die.

  Do you feel like you’re misunderstood?

  I don’t FEEL that I’m misunderstood. I am misunderstood.

  Do you have sex, make love or both?

  I make love. And I have sex. It depends on the where, why, and whom.

  —Thanks to Michael Muhney for conducting this interview as Adam Newman. Chris Engen was unavailable! Oh, no I didn’t…

  THE EDGE OF SOAP:

  Exclusive: More Than One Deal in the Works To License AMC/One Life — and They’re NOT Prospect Park!

  Have the deaths of AMC and One Life been greatly exaggerated? Yep, but it has nothing to do with Prospect Park’s latest attempt at misleading fans, media, and AMC/One Life’s cast and crew.

  Yesterday, industry journal Variety poured further salt in the fresh wounds of the soap community by publishing unsubstantiated rumours that the most passive-aggressive production company in the world, Prospect Park — the start-up that “licensed” digital rights to the soaps from ABC — “has continued to hold meetings with other parties exploring options for keeping them going online, according to sources familiar with discussions.”

  And if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge in Llanview to sell you!

  Uncensored has exclusively learned from sources that there is more than one deal in the works to save these two soaps — and none of them involve Prospect Park! At least one of these legitimate and earnest deals is intent on taking AMC and One Life to cable and the web.

  The people involved? All I can reveal is that the masterminds are people fans, actors and crew can trust and respect. And know soaps better than anyone.

  An insider involved in the deal surmises, “Yesterday’s Prospect Park move was designed to interfere with any further parties approaching Disney.”

  As one of these fledgling offers continues to gain traction, Prospect Park, some accuse, is either trying to drive up and/or squat on the licensing rights, and/or Disney is trying to prevent any other companies from leasing the coveted rights to Pine Valley and Llanview.

  Meanwhile, even if Prospect Park plans on circumventing the unions by airing the show overseas, as Variety is reporting, the fledgling production company needs to think again. One furious actor tells Uncensored, “I can safely tell you 100 per cent of our cast and crew are not, I repeat not, going to work with or for Prospect Park ever again, especially after their distracting shenanigans recently, and certainly not without union contracts. It’s called career suicide. In fact, Prospect is the kind of company unions were created for! Prospect is unbelievable — and completely delusional with all this bullshit they are spewing. They are distracting the media and fans so ABC/Disney can permanently bury us.”

  What’s shadier is the fact that earlier this week when Agnes Nixon accepted an award at Harvard University, she mentioned that Prospect Park was ready to outsource “production” of AMC and One Life to Canada — and recast the cast with new actors!

  As one actor put it: “It’s the blind leading the hopeful.”

  The consensus amongst those in the know is, if indeed Prospect Park does hold the licensing rights for one year after AMC and One Life’s final broadcast airdate, as Variety reported for the first time yesterday (some doubt Prospect has secured the right or that money/contracts have been exchanged at all), it’s more than likely the rights will expire by the time Prospect could actually get these shows back in production (rebuilding sets, luring actors, and finding another producer/writer) by the deal’s expiry. Hence, it’s highly probable the rights will become available again before anything is even aired. Well, if Disney’s intention is to make money off these two canceled properties.

  In the meantime, Prospect’s squatting on these rights (allegedly, September 2012 for AMC and January 2013 for One Life) may prevent at least two promising deals in the works from progressing further. And that may just be Disney’s motive.

  But the above conjecture is futile considering the contradictory statements Prospect Park (the few we’ve ever received, that is) has given to the press.

  Let’s review: famously, Prospect issued a press release the day before Thanksgiving stating they believe they have “exhausted all reasonable options apparent to us, but despite enormous personal as well as financial cost to ourselves, we failed to find a solution.”

  Well, if Variety’s reporting is accurate, one could surmise that apparently Prospect didn’t exhaust all reasonable options after all. Shocker. Had Variety dug further, the journal would have realized that Disney had been approached with other, more realistic and effective, offers.

  In that aforementioned press release, Prospect dared to further insult our collective intelligence by blaming the unions with baseless accusations. Immediately after Prospect issued its press release, two unions accused as being responsible for the deal-breaking move, AFTRA and WGA issued statements denying Prospect claims, adding that it was the production company that cancelled meetings with the unions to figure out a way for everyone cooperate. Any one who knows anything about web soaps knows that myriad of Internet serials have successful employed union actors, writers and producers.

  So what is it? Is it the unions’ fault? Or have they exhausted every option imaginable, like they stated? Clearly, neither is true. So why should we place any trust, confidence or hope in Prospect Park’s latest hackery? There is a reason why Prospect leaks “news” to mainstream magazines — because they have no clue what they are talking about when it comes to the soap world and they won’t ask questions.

  The company, however, seems to be having better luck producing a new TV show starring Ice Cube for FX with titled Eye for an Eye. That’s because it’s not a Disney property ABC wants to terminate.

  Meanwhile, One Life showrunners Frank Valentini and Ron Carlivati have been hired at GH as executive producer and head writer, respectively (their official start date is Jan. 4, 2012). Word on the street is that the dynamic duo is already strategizing on how they will accomplish the Herculean task of turning around the worst show on TV. One thing is for certain, though: Cartini “have n
o plans on turning GH into a One Life dumping ground.”

  With their new appointment, many are now suspecting ABC may give GH another year in syndication, but most are confident that the venerable sudser will bow out by fall 2012.

  As for last week’s colossal corporate shakeup (ABC Daytime President Brian Frons “stepping down,” the firing of GH exec producer Jill Farren Phelps, and the demotion of co-head writers Garin Wolf and Shelley Altman), all Uncensored can say is: Whomever thought it would have taken a flip of a coin to create the giant shakeup at GH last week? That flip of the coin “changed everything,” squeals a major ABC insider.

  In other news, insiders are reporting that AMC’s sets have been allegedly destroyed (a few traveled over to GH), and a couple of One Life’s have been sent to the soap heavens as well. But don’t fret, soapers. “Storing the sets would cost more than actually rebuilding them, so it’s no big deal,” assures the insider.

  Not to put too much fear in my readers, but Uncensored has heard you may be hearing about Frons’s future endeavors soon (just stay away from CBS, dude)… But hopefully after a well-deserved trip to soap hell.

  But, hey, what do I know? I was only the first journalist to report that GL, World Turns, and One Life were being canceled a few years ago while magazines denied it over and over again (though Dan Kroll from