Unexpected Attention
Page 8
You ignited a fire inside me that I never knew existed, you showed me that the kind of love, heat and romance that I read about in books is real it’s not imaginary.
I didn’t want to fall in love but you made it so easy…...
I fell, I ran, you stole me, stole my heart and took my breath away with one look, one touch, one kiss and one-“I only want you babe.” That is what you said to me that pushed me over the edge and into the abyss of passion and you...
The molten heat that laces your eyes each time you look at me stole the last rational part of my thinking. I just closed my eyes and finally let myself go into the tail spin of this not so modern-day love story. It’s a secret, it’s to be kept in the dark, hidden. But fuck me it's beautiful….
Running my hand over the ink of the words that I have written in my journal, feeling the pain hidden behind them, I then look at the text that sits unsent in our message box. I fight with myself to send this to him, to let him know that's its him I want and it’s him I need. But I love feeling in control and when I'm with him I am out of control and the doubts sink in, I want everything to be simple and easy, the way it is when we are in the dark.
The days that I leave my life and mesh into his. The days where he's here in my home sitting with me running small circles up my legs. It’s those days I want all the time and we will never have them because the world is evil, and it likes to take the happy from people. So, it’s living inside a bubble like this that it has to be. I have to watch him have a life without me as I sit here and cry into a glass of vodka.
“I can hear your thoughts and fight inside your head from here babe.”
Startled I gasp looking around my space and not seeing him I move forward trying to calm my heart, its beating so fast I can hear it in my ears.
“You’re fucking beautiful when you’re all deep in thought and shit babe.” His voice floats out over the darkness hitting me in my core causing tingles to dance over my body.
“But you'll get some serious frown lines if you keep living in your head like you do baby.” Nervously I run my hands down my thighs the skin cool to touch from the nighttime air.
“How long have you been there?”
Seeking him out but nothing but darkness greets me. Stepping up, I walk to the edge of the deck.
“I have no clue what to do, if I'm being honest babe, I've been drunk this past 8 days just to try and get over you.” I say looking into the inky black night that surrounds me.
Wrapping my arm around the solid wooden pillar, seeking its strength to hold me up.
“To get over me. So, you don't want this?” His tone is rough hitting me in the heart and sending a shiver through me, he sounds so close but yet so far away.
“This, whatever it is, has had me awake for days stressing out about whatever we are. I have to force myself to not message you to not check your Snapchat story. To not fucking think coz, it fucking hurts. You know loving someone you can't have is fucking painful.”
My voice cracks and I hate it. This reality of weakness, this feeling of vulnerability; of physical emotions that I can't control makes me cave under the weight.
“But babe it’s fucking beautiful, makes you realize that you’re human.”
His words fractured through the inky black orb that had my body enclosed inside and his smell seeped through hitting me hard in the chest.
“Beautiful maybe but mistake? Yes.” The reality of this moment frayed at the edges of my brain making me feel empty. The last time I was open he walked away. He may have just rocked up, standing on the edges of the dark hidden from my eyes but not my heart. Hurting me more than he knows.
“You walked away you left, you promised me.” My voice cracked and I started to break into a million pieces.
Stirring up the tension that is thick in the air.
“If I can't be honest with you, if I can't be me and insecure, how the fuck would this ever work?”
Silence, I was met with silence, it was a tedious yet engrossing feeling having nothing but the dark between us and the weight of my words.
“You left and you vindictively assaulted me with the images of you and those girls after telling me you loved me. After everything you promised me you wouldn't do, you did. I know I have no right to you or to your heart, but you have to understand that treating me like a fool, like I don't matter, felt so degrading and damn demoralizing, my heart can't take that shit, aye.”
Closing my eyes as tears prick to the back of them, my long black lashes flutter over my cheeks as the tears lace over them. For the rest of my life I will feel how exquisitely painful this one moment is. How much can one human shatter your life and love can make you insanely crazy?
His hands appear from nowhere tightening around my waist. Gripping my hips as I look down at him from the deck, he's standing in front of me in a pair of black jeans and a grey ilabb top, his knuckles turning white from gripping me so tightly, like I'm about to disappear.
Raking my eyes back up his body, my own body starts to hum with heat from his touch. The moonlight streams down behind him giving him a silky glow, lighting up the black of his hair.
His grip loosens as a primal sound rolls up his body sitting in his chest as he slides his hands up my sides leaving tiny licks of fire in their wake. His hands come up to the nape of my neck, rolling through the hair at the base holding me in place as he runs small circles over my cheek with the thumb of his free hand. He’s my drug this man, one touch and the pure intoxication is instant. His scent sends me into a heady trancelike state and it takes days of him not being in my space to come down from the high of him. He’s the perfect OD.
His hands slide back down over my shoulders, first breasts next down to my stomach and resting on the waist band of my PJ shorts. His nails bite into my skin as he lifts me down off the deck to the grass below. My eyes burning into his as my feet hit the dewy cool grass. His eyes meet mine, his stare hooded, mine laced with desire and pain. Running my tongue over my lip I suck it into my teeth, his sharp intake of air was all you could hear in the dead of the night, so still, so black so perfect.
We stared at each other in an odd way, like our minds were in some sort of silent argument, our glances battled each other’s. Until tears streaked down my cool cheeks stinging with heat as they slide down slowly fading to cold. I see my pain in his eyes like they are mirroring my own.
“Why did you do it?” I hiccupped as a sob tried to escape. Tears rolling down with an eerie quietness.
He sighed, his thumb wiping away the tears.
I felt like I needed to comfort him in some way, his body radiated pain. But I was the one who clearly was in pain standing before him a shaking hot mess. Unsure of what this is, tears staining my cheek.
My heart stops and skips back into beat as he kisses my cheek, oh so softly brushing his lips over my cool cheek while his other hand kneads the base of my neck rolling all the stress and tension knots from me. It fucking feels stellar too having all the built-up shit being rubbed from my body. It was one of those moments that you want to keep forever, the love and perfection seeping from his fingertips into my body.
Clearing his throat, he snaps my overactive mind to the now, to him and his whiskey eyes that are staring so intently into my own.
“Babe you’re more to me than a one-night stand, you’re more to me than just sex. Those girls, they keep my mind from wanting to steal you, I hate this and doing it more than you know.”
As I looked into his eyes, I could feel him searching deep into my soul. Seeking me out pulling me in and wrapping me in his words.
“I hate the thought that I am hurting you by doing it. I hate all of it, the feeling, the looks of hurt in your eyes. The pain I see on your face, the broken tone in your voice when you say you’re okay. I hate it all babe. You are my beautiful hurricane and those girls are not you, never will they be you. I don’t do with them what I do with you, I don’t kiss them the way I kiss you, that’s just for you babe.”
“I’m not good enough for you.” I breathe out, tears free falling as a hole breaks open in my chest. I watch his eyes dart back and forward seeking mine for a hidden answer.
Timing is everything and this time I feel like things won't be the same after this.
“Why do you think you're not enough for me babe? This is all I need and even if it wasn’t it wouldn’t matter because you’re all I want.”
I can sense the smile in his tone, I watch the way his lips quirk into a divisively sexy smile that makes my heart skip a beat.
This is what he does, fucking severs all my rational thoughts and replaces them with desires and wants to feed my hungry body.
“I hate that I break at the mere thought of anyone coming near you.”
My omission heavy and far too weighted jealously gets the best of me and it frustrates him just as much as it kills me. I can feel it flying off him hot and angry. He’s never had to be a proper grown-up before with a grown-up conversation because he’s twenty-six and he's only ever fucked around with young girls from nightclubs and parties. Then slammed his dick into some old cougar who wouldn’t need deep and meaningfuls because well let’s face it, it’s fun to fuck a younger man. Never a woman who needs more than a drunken fucking fuck-fest.
His hands leave my body and the cold air licks at the heat left causing a sharp sting to break out. Sucking in deep I square my shoulders trying to ignore the hurt from his backwards step and his vacant stare.
The space between us is deadly quiet and I just listen to his breathing.
Stepping back till the backs of my knees hit the deck, I sit down placing my hands behind my body taking my weight. My head falls back slightly, and my hair tickles along my back as the wind floats over me cooling my heated skin.
Before long, when I feel like I could fall asleep listening to his breathing, oh the pure intimacy of this act, he clears his throat and his husky tone lulls inside my ears.
“You’re mine and all mine, I want nothing more than to break anyone who dares to get close to you. And the question remains like a loaded gun between us, will you give it all up for me?”
As I run that one hella deep question over he begins to sing to me, he always sings me songs.
This time it’s Lips of an Angel by Hinder.
Such a beautiful song with so much hidden meaning behind it. Meaning that only he and I know is there.
Suddenly with him all the love songs were about us. Him. Me. This. Heartbreak and broken fucking halos.
“How many times do I cross you mind?” I ask him as he sings taking a breath.
“Why babe?”
He asks me starting to sing the next line in the song.
Stepping closer out of the inky night and more into the dim light floating through from the glass doors of my home.
“I need to know, it needs to make sense, of all this that is firing between us. Because I need to ask you the same question that you asked me. Would you give it all up for me?”
Seeking his eyes before I carry on with what I have to say.
“Because if you were to ask me that one question babe, I would tell you once because you have never left.”
I hear his steps walk back out of the dark, the soft sounds of his breathing, his hands fall to my knees.
“And you know what babe I fall for you still every single day. Every day I fall more in love with you, for you. I’d love to say yes that I would give it all up, but to be honest babe I don’t even know how or where to start.”
Sucking in air my world spins, he's opened up and it’s shocked me, my heart quakes inside my chest. It's all I have asked for and now I don't know what to say.
His admission sits thick between us as tears roll down my check.
“All I want to do is hold hands and waste Friday nights with you babe.” I murmur hoping he hears the pain in my voice, when he answers I know he hasn’t.
“Aww babe you’re cute. Fridays are for the boys. Sundays maybe I could do.” Is what I get back and my soul fractures a little. I see now in this moment that I am more invested in this relationship than he is. Well, fuck you can’t even call it a relationship, can you? He can say he loves me as much as he likes but it's what lies between those words. When it’s all said and done, he opened up because he thought that’s what I wanted or needed but at the end of it all it’s just the truth I want, the truth.
“I want to say your mine, I want you to say I’m yours babe, I want to be those girls in the club that get to dance with you, kiss you, be the one that you take home.”
“Yeah algoods, I know babe but fuck it’s not that easy you know, the boys are well... the boys, we don’t do permanent. I try with you babe, but they wouldn’t get it, they wouldn’t understand.”
Embarrassed for opening up yet again to have it shot down I say I'm tired and go to stand up. His fingers dig into my knees, my flesh under his fingers feels beautiful, his touch is always so exotic, he heals me with just his touch alone.
"I’m a fool.” I breathe out. “Like look at it all, look at what I say and do babe, I play it over in my head all the time.”
His lips graze along my jawline as he leans in. “And it sucks that you’re married, and it hurts me you being married. It hurts that I can’t be with you all the time. You’re all I want babe.” Shaking my head knowing that his words are just that words and they are empty. “Do you not just remember what you said like twenty seconds ago Brax?” trying to look at him but his soft kisses graze down my neck to my exposed collar bone and back up again so softly that if I wasn't here watching him, I would wonder if they were real. “You are all I have ever fucking wanted and needed.” His voice a rasp over my sensitive skin.
He’s a beautiful secret and I wish he wasn’t; I wish I didn’t have to keep it. My heart breaks that I couldn’t have meet him when I was single, but he would have been like twelve. Then nights like this he goes from so sweet to so blunt back to so sweet again, with a touch and a kiss, sweet words falling from his lips and doesn’t even realize that he has done it. It has to be the age thing.
“I’m sorry that I am married. I’m sorry. When we first met, I never thought that I would fall, that I would need you as much as I do. That I would have nights like this with you here, your touch on my skin and your kiss on my lips. Where you have stolen my heart, but my last name belongs to another.”
“Yeah babe and I didn't want to give my fucking heart away to a stranger, but I did because that love is what we both needed to breathe to fucking stay.”
“You must really love me to lie to me.”
I watch as he sucks in air knowing full well that I am grating on his nerves and I need to know.
“Why the fuck do you say shit like that Miley.”
“Because you make loving someone like me look fucking easy Brax.”
“Fuck Miley, you’re so fucking broken that you don't even see what's right in front of you.”
“I see you Braxton I see you for all you are.”
I watch him as he pulls a smoke from the pocket of his jeans, the light sparking a bright ember glow over his stunning features.
“Every second I suffer here at his hands and then alongside you I suffer also. So please tell me Brax what the fuck should I do?”
My tone is harsh, I'm starting to lose my shit, fraying at the edges becoming a mess and losing control; I hate it.
This is what he does, strips me back, I feel naked when he's around.
“I want you to fucking leave him and love me, like all the way love me.”
“You want me to all the way love you?” I speak out watching him blow smoke rings out into the night.
“That's what I just fucking said, isn't it?”
His stare burns into me stopping me from snapping and reminding me to breathe.
“Yes, that is what you just said but I feel like you're not ready for a ready-made family and the fucking shit that comes with loving a fucked-upped cookie like me baby.”
We do nothing for a moment just watch his smoke mesh with the night, his fingers creep over the deck and link with mine. Feeling the connection that sparks through us.
“I will never feel any of this with anyone else. I've tried, god I've tried drunken nights out and it's still your scent, your eyes, your fucking voice Miley that shatters my broken heart more because I can't have the one fucking thing I want and for a guy like me that is a massive slap in the face, I always get what I want.”
Anger laced with hurt slaps me in the face.
“So, I’m a fucking game, am I? A quest, a pawn in the sick show that is Braxton?” I seethe out in complete and utter shock.
He damages my heart more than I actually thought was possible.
My body tired, strung out from this, from us, the dance is exhausting and the ache’s deep.
“I don't even recognize myself anymore, it's been so long since I saw me, the me I was I can’t even remember her anymore.”
Dropping his smoke into the grass he twists the toe of his Nike over it stubbing it into the grass.
“That's not on me babe, all I ever wanted was to pull you from the dark and show you just how fucking insane it could be, how beautiful I could make it. Loving you the right way.” He stood stopping in front of me, taking my hand, his body mere inches in front of me. “You're scared of me and how you feel about me.”