Guilty: Confessions Series: Book 1

by Monroe, Lilian

  When he comes, it sends a thrill shivering all the way down my spine. His whole body tenses. The muscles in his neck bulge and his jaw clenches until he lets out a long, low growl. His cock gets harder, its head a deep shade of purple.

  I watch, fascinated. It’s like I’d forgotten what it was like, to be with a man. He shoots ropes of white seed as he groans, trembling and convulsing on the couch. We make a mess all over his stomach, his chest, my hand, my breasts. It goes everywhere. He keeps his arm around me, panting. Neither of us moves for a few moments as he catches his breath.

  “Messy,” I say, trailing my fingers through the sticky seed on his stomach.

  “Look what you did to me.”

  “What you did to yourself,” I grin. He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and sighs again.

  “That felt so fucking good.”

  “Yeah.”

  We sit there for a few seconds, and then the mess starts to drip down the sides of his abdomen. He peels himself off the couch and grabs some tissues. I giggle and Martin shakes his head.

  “It’s everywhere.”

  “When was the last time you masturbated? There’s so much of it.”

  “This morning,” he says, glancing at me. He grins. A blush creeps over my cheeks and I bite my lip.

  When we’re cleaned up and clothed again, we sit down on the couch. I lay my head on his shoulder and sigh in contentment.

  “We probably shouldn’t leave together every evening,” he says slowly.

  I sigh and nod. “I know.”

  “I don’t think Carmen would be too happy about this.”

  “I can’t lose this job.”

  Martin tightens his arm around my shoulders and kisses the top of my head. “You won’t get fired.”

  “No, you won’t get fired,” I laugh. “I’m just a lowly paralegal who started here a couple months ago. I know where I stand.”

  He runs his fingers along my cheek and stares into my eyes. He smiles and shakes his head.

  “I don’t think you do.”

  My heart thumps, and I don’t know how to respond.

  He opens his mouth and then closes it again, and finally smiles at me. “You hungry? We could grab some dinner.”

  I laugh. “I thought we weren’t supposed to leave the office together.”

  “Fuck it.” He stands and helps me up off the couch. I put my hand on his arm and look up at him, my eyebrows drawing together.

  “Martin, I meant what I said before. I can’t lose this job. I have so much medical debt it makes my head spin.”

  “Still no payout from the life insurance?”

  I sigh and shake my head. “They keep just telling me they’re reviewing it, but it’s been over a year.”

  He wraps his arms around me and kisses my forehead.

  “I’ll make sure you don’t lose your job, Nicole. Do you want me to ask a friend of mine that specializes in insurance cases? He’s at another firm—we went to law school together. He owes me a favor.”

  “You’d do that?”

  His eyes soften and he kisses me gently. “Yes, I would.”

  My knees go weak. When I look at Martin, it’s a weird mix of excitement, lust, and guilt that fills me. I’m not sure if I’m ready to jump into anything serious… but I think it might be too late.

  So, I just nod my head. “Okay.”

  He smiles. “Let’s get some dinner.”

  For the second night in the row, we leave the office together. I’ll be honest, though, I don’t care one bit if anyone sees us. I’m too busy falling for my very attractive, very emotionally unavailable boss.

  16

  Martin

  April runs into May, and I run into Nicole. Full speed, without reserve, I crash into her like a runaway train. Once I taste her, there’s no stopping me. We have sex in my office, at her house, at my house, in the office bathrooms—wherever we can get our hands on each other. In between sweaty, intense sex, we lay quietly and let our broken hearts feel the balm of human company.

  As the weather starts to warm up, so does my heart. Day by day, the armor I’ve put up starts to crumble. It happens in small moments, almost imperceptibly. When Nicole slips her hand into mine as we walk on the street, a piece of my anger falls away. When she calls me Big Shot, when she kisses the tip of my nose. Her warmth softens my edges and wakes up a piece of me that I thought died with Brianne.

  There are whispers about Nicole and me, but no one confronts me. I see the way people look at us whenever we talk at work, and I know that people have seen us spend more and more time together. I think they might be more surprised to see me laughing and smiling than anything. My smiles have been few and far between lately.

  It feels like I’m finally crawling out of a dark hole that has engulfed me for the past year. When I’m with Nicole, I feel good, and I start craving that feeling. I start craving her.

  She’s like a drug to me, and I’m nothing but a junkie.

  After a couple weeks, on a Friday, I send her a text to meet me at our favorite sushi restaurant after work. I count down the minutes until then. I can’t keep the smile off my face. Finally, I finish my work for the day and head for the elevator.

  I get to the restaurant before her, but I don’t have to wait long. She’s changed out of her work clothes and is dressed exactly how I like her—tight jeans and a simple white tee shirt. Her hair is down, falling just past her shoulders. When she sees me, a big smile breaks across her face.

  She puts her arm around my neck and kisses me, and she smells just as good as ever. I motion to sit down. She grabs the pencil and paper to mark down our order, grinning at me.

  “I see you left this blank, for once.”

  “I trust you to choose.”

  “Finally.” She lets out an exaggerated sigh, rolling her eyes. The walls around my heart crumble a little bit more. “It only took a month and a half.”

  “Hey, so, I was wondering—since we both just finished up a couple big cases and we have the weekend off, how do you feel about going away?”

  Her eyes widen. She smiles, and a bolt of lightning goes through my chest.

  “You want to have a weekend away?”

  “Just you and me.”

  She bites her lip, smiling. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

  “Good.”

  Her eyes linger on mine and her smile widens.

  “What?”

  She laughs, shaking her head. “You just… I was wrong about you, Marty.”

  “I’m not an arrogant ass?”

  “Well, not all the time.” She winks at me. “No, you’re okay. You’re actually pretty romantic.”

  “Maybe you make me that way.”

  She doesn’t answer, but her eyes soften and her smile widens. My heart thumps, and I wonder how it’s possible that I got so lucky. This feels like not only did I get blessed with Brianne, but I’ve been blessed a second time. Nicole gets me in a way that no one else has been able to. She understands both the darkness and the light inside me, and she accepts me for it. She might even love me for it.

  We eat more food than we should, and Nicole pushes her plate away, rubbing her belly.

  “Are you trying to fatten me up?”

  “I was going to ask you the same thing,” I say, plucking the last piece of nigiri off the plate.

  We walk out of the restaurant and I squeeze her hand. “How do you feel about meeting one of my good friends? He owns a bar not far from here.”

  Her eyebrows arch. “You have friends?”

  I grin and nudge her with my elbow. “Don’t be so smart, it doesn’t suit you.”

  “It was an honest question.” She squeezes my hand, laughing. Her grey eyes have little flecks of green on the edges, and right now her eyes look like they’re studded with emeralds.

  “He and I went to college together.”

  She leans her head against my shoulder and I put my arm around her. We walk to my car and she sighs.

  “What’s th
at big sigh about?” I open the passenger’s side door for her, and she puts her hand on top of it, staring at me.

  “I’m just… happy.” Her smile is more tentative this time, and a blush warms her cheeks. I lean over the door and kiss her.

  “So am I.”

  I can tell right away that Jaime likes Nicole. They laugh together, give me shit for being a hotshot lawyer, and we spend the evening hanging out. When Nicole goes to the bathroom, Jaime raises his eyebrows at me.

  “Is this the girl you were talking about before? The one you work with?”

  I nod.

  He whistles and shakes his head. “You have some fucking luck with women, buddy,” he laughs. “I don’t know how you do it.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I grin.

  “No one wins the lottery twice.”

  Nicole comes back towards us and warmth radiates through my chest. She slides her hand over my thigh when she sits down, and suddenly it feels like it’s time to go home. When she looks at me, I can tell she’s thinking the same thing. The air between us crackles with heat, and I nod to Jaime.

  “See you next week.”

  “Alright.”

  Then, I take Nicole home and we get tangled in the bedsheets together.

  The next morning, we stop at her place to get a change of clothes. I’ve rented a cabin near Bighorn Park, about an hour and a half west of Denver. The thought of escaping the city and being in the wilderness with Nicole sounds like heaven. Getting there, on the other hand, is more of a struggle.

  We’ll have to pass right by the spot where I had an accident on my way back to see Brianne in the hospital. I smashed the front of my car into someone, but I was in such a panic to be by her side that I drove off. My wife was unconscious, miscarrying our first child, and I was reckless with worry.

  By the time I got to her in the hospital, she was already in surgery. I never got to say goodbye. If I hadn’t gotten into that accident, if I hadn’t been in the mountains for a case…

  I sigh. I’m going to have to get over this at some point. With Nicole by my side, it finally feels like I might be able to.

  When we get on the highway, Nicole falls silent. Her grip tightens on the car door, and I see tension rippling in her jaw.

  “You okay?”

  She nods but says nothing. Her neck pulses with every heartbeat. She turns her head and looks out the window, her breath shallow.

  Maybe she’s just sensing what I feel. We’re about ten minutes away from the spot where I crashed. Guilt gnaws at my stomach when I think of the other car. I remember looking in my rear-view mirror and seeing them sliding towards the ditch on the opposite side of the road.

  Knowing what I know now, that I was too late for Brianne, I would have stopped. I should have stopped either way. It’s the single most awful thing I’ve ever done, not to mention completely illegal.

  I take a deep breath and tighten my grip on the steering wheel.

  I drove back past the spot the next day, and the car was gone. That means they were okay, doesn’t it? They must have driven off or been towed. My mind relives that moment a thousand times as we get closer to the accident.

  I should have stopped.

  In a few minutes, we’ll be past the scene of my accident. Past the scene of my crime. Past my shame, and my guilt, and the single worst deed of my miserable existence. I’ll drive past it, and I’ll be able to enjoy the weekend with the beautiful woman sitting beside me.

  But then, Nicole takes a deep breath.

  “Do you mind pulling over just up here?”

  “What? Why?” My heart thunders. My jaw ticks as I try to control the uncontrollable beating in my chest. My vision starts to tunnel, and I take slow, quiet breaths through my nose.

  “Just… please? I’ll show you the spot.”

  I frown, and the blood drains from my face. Nicole shifts in her seat. She points to a spot on the side of the road, and my mouth goes dry.

  “Pull over up here.”

  I can’t speak. The awful, horrible, earth-shattering truth dawns on me. Nicole stares out the window for a few excruciating seconds, and then she takes a deep breath.

  “This is where Jack died.” The truth hits me in the face like a sledgehammer. The world tilts on its axis and I feel like I’m going to throw up. “We were side-swiped by a speeding car and spun twice. We hit that tree.” She points to a huge pine tree by the side of the road. She unbuckles her seatbelt and opens the door, finally glancing at me.

  “I know it’s morbid, but do you mind if we just have a moment here?”

  I clear my throat, forcing myself to meet her eye.

  “Sure. Of course.”

  17

  Nicole

  I haven’t been back here since the day of the accident. It’s been almost a year and a half, but it feels as raw as if it happened yesterday. For the first time in a couple months, my side throbs and my back aches. Emotion swirls inside me, thick and black and confusing. I step outside. Fresh mountain air whips around me, stinging my eyes and drawing out the tears that I’ve been trying to hold back.

  I wasn’t going to say anything. I was going to let Martin drive by, but as we got closer, I knew I had to pay my respects. My feet crunch on a thin layer of gravel on the side of the road. The ditch is shallow, but I’m still careful as I make my way down towards the tree.

  The tree. The tree that featured in my nightmares for weeks.

  Jenna didn’t want to show me pictures of the crash, but I forced her to. The image of this tree is burned in my memory now, with its gnarled branches and thick, twisted trunk. Hesitantly, I extend my hand and touch the rough bark.

  My breath hitches, and a sob rakes through me. I lean against the tree and try to stop the tears, but they just start flowing down my face. Hot, fat tears fall down my chin as I lean my head against the massive trunk.

  I hear Martin’s feet on the gravel and turn to see him on the side of the road. His face is impassable as he looks down at me. I know I look like a mess, but I can’t stop the tears. I take a deep breath and look back towards the tree.

  “I love you, Jack,” I whisper to its branches. Wind rustles through the trees and more tears fall down my cheeks. I pull my jacket tighter and turn back towards Martin.

  He’s still standing by the side of the road. His face is completely blank, and he’s staring at the tree. I wrap my arms around his waist, and it takes him a few seconds to hug me back.

  “You okay?” I ask.

  He takes a deep breath and looks at me as if he’s seeing me for the first time. He nods. “Yeah. I should be asking you that, not the other way around.”

  I lean my cheek against his chest and take a deep breath.

  “I haven’t been back here since the accident.”

  “Me neither.”

  I frown, and then look up at him. He shakes his head. “I mean… I don’t know. If I’d have known, I would have booked a place somewhere else…”

  “No, it’s okay,” I say. I glance at the tree once more and take a deep breath. “It’s good to come back here. It’s…” I inhale sharply. “It’s good to come back with you.” I glance at Martin. “It doesn’t feel like a coincidence, does it? It’s like Jack wanted to meet you and make sure he approved.”

  Martin’s face goes white, and he swallows thickly. I squeeze my arms around his waist. “I didn’t mean to freak you out. Do you believe in ghosts?”

  “I didn’t.”

  “… but…?”

  “I don’t, I mean.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “I’m fine.” He untangles himself for my arms and turns his face away from me. “Just cold. You okay to keep driving?”

  I frown and try to catch his eye, but he’s already walking towards the car. It stings. Surely he would realize how significant this is for me?

  Maybe it’s just reminding him of Brianne, and he’s not ready to face it. I glance back at the tree and take a deep breath. I say
a silent goodbye to Jack and head back to the car.

  When I get back in, Martin says nothing. His hands are gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles are turning white. His jaw twitches as he puts his indicator on, and we drive off without wasting any time.

  I stare at his profile and wonder if I should say anything. He doesn’t look at me, or put his hand on my thigh, or say anything. He’s just… there.

  I didn’t mean to hurt him or be awkward by stopping there. It just felt like the right time to say goodbye to Jack. To do it with Martin felt right, but maybe he’s not at that point yet. His spouse died, too, and I need to remember that. Grief creeps up in unexpected ways.

  I slide my hand over his thigh and he inhales. His shoulders relax slightly and he gives me a tight-lipped smile.

  “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

  “You didn’t.” He opens his mouth as if he’s going to keep talking, but he just puts his hand over mine and squeezes. He keeps his eyes on the road, and I turn to look out the windscreen. I watch the forest go by and lean my head against the headrest.

  A smile stretches over my lips. I finally feel at peace with Jack’s death. Stopping by the tree—touching it, and actually saying goodbye—it felt good. It feels like I’m honoring Jack’s memory and allowing myself to move on.

  I glance at Martin once more and I worry about him. I have to be patient, though. Grief comes in waves, and just because I’m starting to make peace with Jack’s death doesn’t mean he’s there, too. We’ve found each other, and that’s the important thing.

  I turn on the radio and settle in to my seat. Martin takes a deep breath, and the tension in his jaw eases.

  It only takes forty-five more minutes for us to get to the cabin. My eyebrows arch when we drive up. It’s a mansion nestled into the trees, with big windows under an A-line roof. We pull up and Martin turns off the car. He gets out without a word and stretches his arms up over his head. I walk around towards him and put my arm around his waist, but he pulls away.