Guilty: Confessions Series: Book 1

by Monroe, Lilian

  I frown as he avoids my gaze. He grabs our bags from the trunk and heads for the front door without a word. I watch his broad back as he stalks towards the front door.

  It stings.

  It feels like right when I feel closer than I’ve ever felt to him, he’s pulling away. He’s hardly said two words since we stopped at the scene of my accident.

  I watch him check his phone and then key in a code to a lock box. He pulls out a set of keys and opens the front door. He glances back at me, raising an eyebrow.

  “You coming in?”

  His eyes are hard, and there’s no hint of a smile in his features. Lines on his forehead have appeared, and the color hasn’t returned to his face yet. He looks like the Martin I met at the pool, back in January. Tortured and angry and bitter.

  I swallow and nod.

  “Yeah,” I say. “I’m coming.”

  18

  Martin

  Nicole keeps glancing at me, and I know she can tell that something is wrong. I unpack my bag in silence, and then head to the main room to start a fire. Maybe if I keep moving, I can give myself enough time to recover. If I just keep doing things, I won’t have to face the truth.

  I killed her husband.

  I injured her—I broke her back!

  I’m the reason she has medical bills, and I’m the reason the insurance company is stalling. It’s a hit and run, and they don’t have anyone to sue. They want to reject her claim and leave her in debt, in pain, grieving for her husband.

  And it’s because of me.

  Me.

  That car wasn’t okay when I hit them. They didn’t drive away. He died.

  My heart starts palpitating and my hands tremble as I try to light a match. I snap the match in half and then take a deep breath.

  I jump when Nicole’s hands slide over my shoulders.

  “Are you okay, Marty?”

  “I’m fine!” The sound of my voice bounces off the high ceilings and echoes around us. Her eyes widen and she drops her hands off my shoulders. I take a deep breath, rubbing my temples.

  “I’m sorry, babe,” I say. “I just… when we stopped… I’m just sorry. About Jack. About you. About everything.”

  She takes a deep breath, chuckling softly. “Marty, it’s not your fault. You have nothing to be sorry about.”

  My heart squeezes, and I can’t breathe. If only she knew.

  My God, what would happen if she knew? She’d never talk to me again! I’d never see her. I’d lose her, just like I lost Brianne.

  I thought Brianne’s death was the worst moment of my life, but I was wrong. What’s worse than that is knowing that I am so close to having it all again—all the love, happiness, partnership—and it could all be snatched away from me. This, right now… this is the worst moment of my life.

  I knew Nicole was too good to be true. I knew I didn’t deserve her. I never should have let her in.

  My hands shake as I try to light another match, and Nicole gently takes it from me. She lights the fire and I take a few moments to compose myself. I walk to the huge windows that give a perfect view of the mountains and lakes at our feet.

  Maybe this is karma. It’s not me getting a second chance at love. I scoff. A second chance? Me? No, this is punishment for my crime. This is God, or the Universe, or whatever other force there is showing me what a shitty fucking person I am. Tears prickle at my eyes and I fight to keep my composure.

  Nicole appears by my side and hands me a beer.

  “Fridge is stocked,” she says. “This place is amazing.”

  I nod, taking a sip. She looks at me funny but says nothing. How will I get through this weekend?

  Maybe I should just tell her. I could sit her down right now and tell her the truth. If I face this head-on, like a man, I can take responsibility for my actions. I can do what I was too fucked up to do last January.

  But then, Nicole slides her arm around my waist and lays her head on my chest. Her hair smells so fucking good, and I know that I’m too weak.

  I don’t want to lose her. I can’t let her go. If I tell her, she’ll never forgive me. I won’t be anything to her except the guy who killed her husband.

  My heart starts to thump and Nicole looks at me again.

  “Are you sure you’re okay? Your heart is beating so fast. I can hear it.”

  I nod, taking another gulp of beer. “I’m good,” I clear my throat. “We probably only have a few more hours of daylight. You want to go for a hike? There’s some nice trails nearby.”

  “Fresh air would be good.” She smiles at me, and her whole face beams. She’s so fucking good. So kind and loving and generous. And I’m…

  … I’m me. A killer. A coward.

  I take a deep breath and kiss her temple. I try to smile at Nicole, but it feels like my face is creaking and cracking as my lips curl upwards as if I’ve forgotten how to do it. I feel like I’m acting—faking it. I’m pretending to be someone I’m not.

  Maybe that’s all I’ve been doing for the past eighteen months.

  Why didn’t I just stop when I hit that car?! Nicole told me herself that they sat there for half an hour without anyone driving by, and then they waited ten more minutes for the ambulance. I could have helped them! Instead, selfishly, I drove off.

  I’m a lawyer for Christ’s sake! I knew it was wrong, and I still did it.

  I remember the tears running down my face, the adrenaline coursing through my veins, and the knowledge, deep in my heart, that I was too late for Brianne.

  But still, I didn’t stop for them. I let her husband die on the side of the road. I let her sit there with a broken back while I drove away like a monster.

  Moving mechanically, I follow Nicole to the front door. I put my bottle of beer on the counter and slip my jacket on. She puts a hat on her head and smiles at me.

  “Thank you for taking me here.” She reaches over to squeeze my hand. Her touch is gentle, and I hate her for it.

  I try to smile at her again. “It’s my pleasure.”

  When we get back, the sun is just touching the horizon. The sky is ablaze with colors, and Nicole’s face is beaming. The beauty of the mountains disgusts me. I can’t look at the sunset, or at Nicole, or at anything except the darkness in my soul.

  I take a deep breath to steady myself. There are a couple of burger patties in the fridge, so I throw them on the barbeque. I overplay how tired I am whenever Nicole tries to make advances towards me. It feels wrong to be close to her, knowing what I know—knowing what I did.

  After dinner, we sit on the couch together. She leans her head on my lap and I stroke her hair. I watch her eyes close as she falls asleep, and I trail my fingers down her arm and back up again.

  Her breath is slow and steady, and emotion starts to build up inside me. I brush hot tears off my face, trying my best not to move her.

  I don’t want to wake her up. If I do, I’ll have to explain myself, and I don’t want to lie. I’m already lying to her every minute that I don’t tell her the truth.

  She stirs awake, and I wipe my face.

  “Let’s go to bed.” I brush the hair off her face. She smiles at me, and we head back towards the big king bed at the back of the cabin. When she strips down and gets under the covers, guilt pierces my heart again.

  I shouldn’t be allowed to be next to her perfect body, her perfect soul.

  She presses her body next to mine, and the heat of her curves makes my body respond, even though I try to stop it. Her hand runs down my stomach and grips my cock. My breath hitches and I squeeze my eyes shut.

  My body is betraying me. I shouldn’t be hard right now. I shouldn’t want this, but the ways she’s moving and moaning next to me is making my head spin.

  When she kneels down and puts her lips over my cock, I inhale. Fuck, it feels good. She takes my shaft in her mouth and I exhale, squeezing my eyes shut. With one hand on my shaft, and her mouth over my head, I feel like I’m going to explode. She moves faster and faster, knowi
ng exactly what I like. She bobs up and down as the tension inside me builds.

  I’m going to come. I don’t want to. It’s wrong.

  If I wait any longer, I’m going to—

  “Stop, stop,” I say, pulling her off. “Stop. You’re going to make me come.”

  “That’s the point,” she grins. Her hand slides down, gripping my cock again and I sigh.

  I can’t fight it. I can’t deny it. I want her more than I’ve ever wanted anyone before. My heart thumps, and I shake my head.

  “You’re irresistible, Nicole.”

  The voice in my head that’s screaming at me not to do it gets quieter as my desire for her grows. She bites her lip, reaching for my cock again. Darkness grips my heart and I let it take over. She looks into my eyes, and her lust makes me boil over.

  I grip her by the waist and flip her over onto her back. Grabbing her arms, I pin them over her head. She yelps, and then stares at me with fire in her eyes.

  “There you are,” she says. “You’re back. I was afraid you were gone.”

  “I’m right here,” I growl, tightening my grip on her wrists. I spread her legs apart in one rough motion and she gasps, smiling. I growl again, rubbing my shaft along her wet slit. She sighs, closing her eyes and wriggling her body towards me.

  “I want you.” Her voice is soft, and I watch her perfect face relax as pleasure washes over her.

  “I know you do.” Back and forth, I rub my shaft along her slit. Her wetness drips out of her opening and coats me. My cock throbs.

  “I’m on the pill.”

  My eyes widen, and the darkness inside me is all-consuming. We’ve never had sex without a condom. Nicole nods.

  “Fuck me, Martin. I want to feel you. All of you.”

  It’s wrong, but I don’t care. My hand tightens around her wrists and I run my other hand down her side. I pinch her nipple, loving her little gasp. I run my hand between her legs and she moans.

  Then, without waiting another second, I bury my cock inside her. From the tip to the hilt, I drive myself deep inside her. She gasps, rolling her hips towards me. She stretches to accept me, and I drag my cock out of her again.

  “Is that what you want?” I growl in her ear, driving my cock deeper inside her. She screams. Her face is a mask of pleasure. I feel nothing except need. Need for her, need for release, need for my cock to be so deep inside her she forgets what day of the week it is.

  “Answer me,” I growl in her ear. My breath is hot on her shoulder and I punish her pussy again, fucking her harder and faster. “Is this what you want?”

  “Yes,” she pants. Her fingernails dig into my back, and the pain feels so fucking good. I thrust again and again until she comes all over my cock, quivering and trembling and screaming my name.

  I hook my arms on her shoulders as her walls clamp down around my cock. Fuck, she feels so good. This is wrong, but my body is out of my control. She’s arching and scratching and screaming and I just fuck her again and again and again. I throw her legs onto my shoulders and bury my pain deep inside her pussy.

  I don’t deserve her, and I don’t care. I’m taking her.

  With that thought gnawing at my heart, I fuck her harder than ever before, and I fill her sweet little pussy with my seed until it dribbles out of her.

  Mine.

  The thought crosses my mind without warning. I watch my orgasm drip out of her swollen, red lips, and then I lay down beside her. She interlaces her fingers in mine and lets out a sigh.

  “That was incredible.”

  I close my eyes and grunt in response.

  19

  Nicole

  Something is off. At first, I think it’s only in my head. As the weekend goes on, though, I know I’m not imagining it. Martin is distant. Most of the time, he won’t even look me in the eye. By the time Sunday afternoon comes around, it feels like we’re both looking forward to the weekend being over.

  He only really looks at me when we have sex. And my goodness… the sex. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s angry and intense and it makes me come harder than ever before. My whole body is sore, swollen, raw, and thoroughly exhausted.

  But it’s good. We bite and claw at each other, as if we’re unleashing something from the deep, dark recesses of our hearts. When we finish, we don’t speak. Usually, Martin rolls away from me and I go to the bathroom to clean up.

  I’ve never had so many intense orgasms, and I don’t know how I feel about it. I’m almost embarrassed at how turned on I get when he looks at me with that pain in his eyes. When he comes, his whole body shudders and I relish the feeling of him emptying himself inside me. I want his pain. I want his hurt. I want everything he has to give me.

  Something has changed.

  We drive back in relative silence. When we pass the site of my car accident, I say nothing. I try to act casual, because I think that’s what set this whole thing off. When we stopped here on the way to the cabin, that’s when things shifted between us.

  I give him a kiss goodbye when he drops me off at my apartment. I don’t invite him in, and he doesn’t ask to come up. When I get inside, I take a deep breath and pull out my phone. I stare at the blank screen for a few seconds, and then I look around my apartment.

  It feels cold and lonely. I think about my weekend—about our sex. My mind starts to spiral and I know I can’t be alone. I call my sister Jenna, but she doesn’t pick up.

  Hesitating, I scroll through my phone and dial my friend Stella. I haven’t put any effort into friendships for the past few months. Before I got a job, it was too depressing to see other people happy. After I got the job, I guess I got caught up with Martin.

  But now, I feel very much alone.

  “Nic!” Stella exclaims as she picks up the phone. “I haven’t heard from you in forever!”

  “I know, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize. I’ve been all over the place. Did I tell you I bought a house?”

  “Yeah, you did. A few months ago, right?”

  “Yes, well, it’s been an absolute nightmare. The inspection missed so many things, and I had to get the roof patched in the middle of winter. Then, I found out there were structural problems in the basement, and—gosh, I’m babbling. I’m sorry. How are you? Are you free? You want to meet up for a glass of wine? I’m so sick of staring at this house. It just stresses me out.”

  I lean against the back of my couch and relief spreads through me. I shouldn’t have let so many friendships fall away.

  “That sounds great, actually. You want to go to The Blue Room?”

  “I’ll meet you there in twenty.”

  When she walks into the bar, I’ve already sat down and ordered us two glasses of Pinot Grigio. She spreads her arms and hugs me so hard I wince.

  “Oh, geez,” she says. “Sorry. Is your back still sore?”

  “Not so much anymore, swimming helps.”

  “And it helps the figure as well,” she says, wiggling her eyebrows. “You are looking fantastic. You’re glowing!”

  I laugh, shaking my head. Our wine arrives, and I ask Stella about her house. She tells me about nightmare renovations, pipes bursting, leaky roofs. She’s got bags under her eyes, and she finishes her wine in four big gulps.

  She picks up her empty glass. “This is empty!”

  I laugh. “Yep.”

  “I must be drinking faster than I thought. It’s that darn house.”

  “Well, at least you have the cash to buy a house,” I grin.

  “How are you? Did Jack’s insurance come through?”

  I shake my head. “Still waiting. I think they’re delaying because it was a hit and run. They’ve been asking me all kinds of questions. Either that or they’re trying to say it was related to skiing, which isn’t covered since it’s a ‘high risk activity’, or whatever.”

  “It was a car accident!” She shakes her head and motions to the bartender for more wine. “Insurance companies are scumbags.”

&
nbsp; I sigh, and Stella glances at me.

  “Something else is up.”

  I laugh, shaking my head. “It’s nothing.”

  “You call me, out of the blue, on a Sunday night. I don’t think you did that to hear me complaining about my new house.”

  “You’re right,” I grin. “I, uh… I’ve gotten myself into a situation.”

  Her eyebrow arches. I’ve known Stella for about seven years—we used to be paralegals together. She left to go to law school and is now a full-fledged lawyer. Her eyes have always been sharp, but now it seems like she misses nothing.

  “What kind of situation?”

  I clear my throat. “I may have slept with a coworker.”

  Her lips twitch. “I’m listening.”

  “Well, he’s more of a boss, really. Not directly, but he could be.”

  “A partner at the firm?”

  I nod.

  “Oh, Nicole,” she sighs.

  “No, everything was great! He… he lost his wife last year, too. We…” I sigh. Our wine arrives and I take a big sip. “We get along really well. I mean really well.”

  “And the sex is good?”

  “Very good.”

  “So what’s the problem?”

  “Well,” I start. I take a deep breath. The words just don’t seem to want to come out. Finally, with Stella still watching me, I explain. “He took me on this weekend getaway to the mountains—to this gorgeous log cabin.”

  “Very romantic.”

  “It was! Except on the way there, we passed the site of the accident.”

  “Oh gosh.”

  “I asked to stop. It felt… significant. I went to the spot where we hit the tree, and it felt like Jack’s presence was there. I just… it was nice. And it was nice to be there with Martin. It felt like I was ready to move on from it all, insurance money or not.”

  Stella nods and tilts her head. “So what’s the problem?”

  “Well, Martin kind of… changed.”