Guilty: Confessions Series: Book 1

by Monroe, Lilian

“Did you ever get a lawyer to pressure them?”

  “I can hardly afford my membership at the YMCA,” I laugh. “He-who-shall-not-be-named was supposed to get his lawyer friend on it, but that all went out the window, obviously. I may work with lawyers but I can’t afford them.”

  “Surely you get an employee discount or something.”

  I laugh. “It doesn’t matter anymore. Oh my gosh, Jenna, I didn’t think it would actually happen! I was starting to panic. You know, the baby, and being alone, and…”

  “Well, this will take a load off your mind.”

  “I think I’ll still keep working until the baby comes.” I stare at the peeling wallpaper in the kitchen, smiling. “I don’t know what I’d do with myself otherwise.”

  “Do whatever you need to do, little sister,” she says. I can hear her smiling over the phone. “Any chance you want to come over for dinner?”

  “I’d love to.” My heart does a backflip and I start laughing again. “I’m having trouble focusing right now. I can’t even manage to boil some water for pasta.”

  “Well, the kids are eating now, but I’ll keep your plate in the oven.”

  “Be over in 10 minutes.”

  I hang up the phone and I can’t keep the smile off my face. It’s not just the money that’s making me feel this way, it’s the relief. All the stress of providing for myself and my baby. All the bills and debts that have been adding up over the past year and a half. All the things that I’ve had to give up—my car, my apartment, my special lattes on the way to work—I won’t have to worry about that anymore. My baby will be able to go to college! I’ll be out of debt! I’ll be able to buy a house!

  Like a crazy person, I laugh and laugh by myself. I rub my stomach and do a little dance in my kitchen.

  It’s just money, but it’s life-changing. They say money can’t buy you happiness, but right now, I feel pretty darn happy. Life just got a whole lot less stressful.

  It’s September, and the weather is starting to get colder, so I wrap myself in a jacket and head for the bus stop. Then I smile and shake my head. I can afford a cab now. I go back up to my warm apartment and call a taxi. While I wait, I sit back on my couch with my hands over my stomach.

  “Everything is going to be okay,” I tell my baby. “It’s all going to work out.”

  For the first time in months, I see that light at the end of the tunnel that Jenna told me about. There’s a glimmer of hope for me, a chance for me to be stable and happy.

  My thoughts drift to Martin, but I stop myself. I won’t let his memory tarnish what otherwise has been a happy evening.

  Maybe, when the payment comes through, I’ll work up the courage to tell him about the baby. Then I won’t feel like I’m asking him for money or begging him to support me. I can go to him with my head held high, and then he can choose whether or not he wants to be a part of the baby’s life.

  My heart squeezes at the thought of seeing him, and I take a deep breath. I owe it to my child to have its father in our lives. As painful as it may be for me to see him and talk to him, I need to think about what’s best for my baby.

  But that’s something for Future Nicole to deal with. Right now, I’m going to go be with my sister—with my family—and I’m going to be happy.

  34

  Martin

  It’s been a week since the insurance company accepted my offer. They’ve given me 30 days to honor my end of the deal, which means my life is about to change drastically. The sun has just gone down, and I flick the lights on in my living room. Most of this stuff will have to be sold before I get rid of the apartment.

  I frown when I hear a knock on the door. I’m not expecting anyone, and I don’t like surprises. When I open the door, Carmen gives me a smile and holds up a bottle of whiskey.

  “Drink?”

  “I, uh… sure.”

  I let her in, confused. She’s not exactly one to make house calls.

  “You miss me already, Carmen?” I ask, grinning as I lead her to the kitchen. She slides onto one of the bar stools at the island, pushing the bottle of whiskey to the middle.

  “Maybe I do.”

  “It’s only been a few days since I left the firm. It’s not like you to drink on a Tuesday night.”

  “How do you know how often I drink?”

  “Fair point,” I chuckle. I put two tumblers on the countertop and drop an ice cube in each. “So… what’s up?”

  Carmen nods as I pour her drink. She takes a sip, staring at the amber liquid and sighing.

  “Are you sure about your decision?”

  “To quit? Yes. Carmen, you can’t protect me. If this whole mess were to get out, imagine what it would do to the firm. It’s better for me to leave quietly.”

  “I just don’t understand why you had to do it like that. Why wouldn’t you just let me help you?”

  I sigh, staring out into the starry night. “I’ve been running from my problems for long enough. It’s time for me to face them.”

  “Is this you trying to get back together with Nicole? You make sure she gets her insurance payout and then she’ll love you again?”

  I laugh, knocking back the whiskey. It burns as it travels down my throat, and I pour myself another glass. I shake my head.

  “No, I’m not trying to win her back. I’m pretty sure that ship has sailed.”

  “It just doesn’t make sense, Marty. You’re such a bright lawyer. You’re throwing everything away.”

  “Not my integrity. And I’m still a lawyer.”

  My former boss stares at me, shaking her head.

  “What changed?”

  I lean against the counter and stare at a spot on the floor. I haven’t told anyone about the baby—it seems wrong. That should be Nicole’s news to share, not mine. She probably doesn’t even want me to know.

  So, instead of telling Carmen the truth, I just shrug.

  “It just became too hard to keep it a secret anymore. I killed a man, Carmen. And I can defend it with all the excuses in the world. I can talk about Brianne, and the baby, and the icy roads, but at the end of the day, I did it. I hit them, and I didn’t stop. I could have been the difference between him living and dying. I’m the reason she’s been in physical therapy for a year and a half.” I poke my chest. “Me. I need to face that.”

  “You could go to prison, Martin,” she says quietly.

  I shrug. “I think I’ve prevented that.”

  “How? Even you’re not that good a lawyer.”

  I laugh, arching my eyebrows. “You don’t think so?”

  She narrows her eyes and takes a sip of whiskey. “What are you up to?”

  I chuckle and shake my head. “Nothing. I haven’t done anything wrong. I called Nicole’s insurance company and struck a deal.”

  “What kind of deal?”

  “Why are you so interested in this, Carmen?”

  She sighs, staring at me and shaking her head. She takes another sip and stares out the window and after a few moments, she finally speaks.

  “I’m interested because I don’t think you’re thinking straight. You’re not fit to be making these kinds of decisions.”

  “I disagree, this is the clearest my mind has been in over a year and a half, maybe even longer.”

  She stares at me, and I know she doesn’t believe me. Why would she? A few weeks ago, she was breaking the law to protect me. Then, I did a one-eighty and decided to quit. I know Carmen, and I know that she’s not going to let this go unless I tell her the truth.

  Plus, that’s kind of my new thing—telling the truth.

  I take a deep breath.

  “I knew Nicole’s insurance company from when we were together. I’d seen the forms. So, I called them, and I struck a deal.”

  “You said that.” She narrows her eyes. Her lips form a thin line and she shakes her head. “What kind of deal, Marty?”

  “I told them I’d pay the full amount of the life insurance policy if they agreed not to press charges
or pursue me in any way. I had them sign an NDA. It’s watertight.”

  Carmen’s eyes widen. “You’re paying out of pocket?”

  I nod.

  “How much was the policy?”

  “It was enough,” I shrug. I glance around my apartment, knowing that I’ll have to sell it in the next few weeks. Paying a million dollars out of pocket will nearly wipe me out completely. All my assets, my cars, my savings, most of my stock portfolio.

  I’m going broke, but I’m doing the right thing.

  “Jesus Christ, Marty. And you quit, too? How are you going to support yourself? I mean, I get this whole noble gentleman thing you’ve got going on, but you have to think about yourself, too!”

  “I’ve done enough of that lately.”

  Carmen sighs. She drains her glass and stares at me. “You’re sure about this?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And you don’t want to keep your job?”

  “Look, Carmen, I’m flattered. Working for you has been the best experience of my life. I care about the firm more than I can say, and that’s why I can’t keep working for you. No matter how watertight the NDA is, I can’t risk this coming back on you.”

  “I never knew you were so selfless.”

  “I wasn’t.”

  Carmen looks me in the eye, and finally extends her hand towards me. “Well, if I can’t convince you to come back to work, I guess I have to let you go. Good luck, Martin.”

  “And good luck to you, Carmen.”

  She shakes my hand, and then gathers her bag.

  “You want your whiskey?” I say, picking up the bottle.

  Carmen laughs. “I think you need it more than I do.”

  I grin and walk her to the door. With a sigh, she puts her arms around me and gives me a hug. It’s the most intimate thing that Carmen has ever done. It’s weird, but nice. My eyes start to prickle with emotion and I pull away, clearing my throat and blinking rapidly.

  “Alright, you idiot,” she says. “Don’t come begging me for a job in six months’ time.”

  “I won’t.” I grin, but I’m not exactly sure it’s true.

  “If you did, I might actually have to take you back.” She smiles sadly, and then nods. I turn the doorknob and open the door, and then take a step back in shock.

  “Nicole!”

  She’s standing in front of my door with her arm raised, ready to knock. Her eyes flick from me to Carmen and back again.

  “Hi, sorry,” she stammers. “Is this a bad time? I deleted your number and I couldn’t find you on social media. I’m sorry, I’ll go.”

  She turns to leave and I reach out to catch her hand. “No, wait! Stay. Carmen was just—”

  “I was just leaving. Good luck, Martin. My door is always open.”

  I nod to Carmen, who slips past us and walks away without looking back. Nicole pulls her hand out of mine and my heart sinks.

  “I… you want to come in?”

  She swallows. Her big, dark eyes look terrified. She straightens her shoulders and nods.

  “Sure.”

  35

  Nicole

  As soon as the door closes behind me, my heart starts to beat harder. I think I’ve made a mistake by coming here. This is where he told me that he was the one who hit Jack and me. This is where my world shattered. This is where he put this baby in my belly.

  Sensing my nervousness, Martin tries to smile.

  “Tea? Coffee? Water? Whisk—no, I guess you can’t drink.”

  I frown. “What do you mean?”

  “Because you’re—” His eyes widen. Martin bites his lip and clears his throat. “So, tea? I was just going to have some.”

  I glance at the bottle of whiskey on the counter, and I wonder what Carmen was doing here. Then, my mind circles back to his comment.

  “What did you mean, I can’t drink?”

  He fills the kettle with water and then sighs. His back is to me, and I see his shoulders sink. When he turns around, his eyes are deep, blue wells of sadness.

  “Stella told me about the baby.”

  My jaw drops, and anger floods my veins. “What?”

  “I tried to call you and email you and I even went to your house, but—”

  “I moved. When did she tell you?!”

  “Maybe two weeks ago?”

  “Wow. Seems like I can’t trust anyone.” Bitterness leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and I walk over to the couch. I sit down, suddenly exhausted. “So, I guess there’s no reason for me to be here, then. You already know.”

  “Don’t be mad at Stella, please,” Martin says. “She was doing it for you.”

  “Yeah,” I say, staring out the window. He really does have a gorgeous view. I shake my head. “It’s just hard to trust people when they do things like that.”

  Martin turns on the kettle and comes to sit across from me. He clasps his hands in front of him, resting his elbows on his knees. He takes a deep breath.

  “So…”

  “I’m not here to ask for money,” I blurt out. His eyebrows shoot up, and his surprise makes me angry. Is that the only reason he thinks I’m here? I take a deep breath and continue. I had a whole speech planned out, but now that he already knows that I’m pregnant, I have to come up with something else. My heart is hammering, and my palms feels sweaty, and Martin is just as good-looking as ever, and I hate myself for thinking that.

  “I want to do what’s best for the baby, and I think having its father in the picture is the best thing. Now, if you don’t want to—”

  “I do. I want to.” He leans forward, and my heart skips a beat. His eyes look so earnest it’s hard not to believe him. But the walls I’ve built around my heart hold strong, and I swallow back the hope and desire and love that I once felt for him.

  “Okay. Well, I moved, but I can unblock your number, and—”

  “You blocked my number?”

  “Can you blame me?”

  He chews his lip, shaking his head. “No, I guess not.” He looks like he wants to say something, but he holds back.

  I take a deep breath and keep talking. My prepared speech is in shambles.

  “Anyways, I’ll unblock your number. Then, once the baby is born, we can arrange visitations. You’ve already met Stella, obviously, but she’ll be representing me.”

  His face twists, but he nods. “Okay.”

  “Okay.” I put my hands on my knees and get up. I nod to him and start heading for the front door. The kettle starts boiling as I pass the kitchen and I hold back tears.

  “Nicole,” Martin says behind me. I turn to look at him and see him run his fingers through his hair. He shifts his weight from foot to foot and finally takes a deep breath. “Thank you.”

  My eyebrows arch. I was expecting profuse apologies that I would be able to disdainfully reject. I was expecting my bitterness to grow, but with two little words, he’s softened my heart.

  Damn him.

  I nod. “Yeah. Okay.”

  “I’m going to be moving, so I’ll send you my new address.”

  “Oh, upgrading from this dump, hey?” I say, sweeping my arm around his luxury apartment. “Is that what you and Carmen were celebrating?”

  He laughs, shaking his head. “No. Nothing like that. Pretty much the opposite. I quit, and she was trying to convince me to change my mind.”

  “You quit?” I frown. That’s not like him. His job was everything to him. “Did you get a better offer somewhere?”

  He laughs again. “No. I…” He takes a deep breath, and once again I feel him holding back from me. “It was just time to go.”

  “Oh.”

  He stares at me with those pain-filled eyes of his and purses his lips. He swallows and then nods, and steps forward to open the door for me.

  “I’ll send you my new address when I have it,” he says.

  “And I’ll unblock your phone number.”

  He nods. We stand awkwardly until I finally clear my throat and walk through the door. Every
thing in my being screams at me to stop and turn back towards him, but I don’t let myself. I put one foot in front of the other and walk down the hallway until I’m out of sight. Then, I hear his door close, and I break down in tears.

  Jenna is waiting for me outside. She gets out of her car and wraps her arms around me, saying sweet, motherly things into my ear as I sob.

  “I’m proud of you, Nic,” she whispers. “You did the right thing. You set boundaries. You’re so strong, little sister.”

  “I don’t feel strong right now,” I sob. I snort and wipe my nose on my sleeve, sighing.

  “You are. You’re going to be the best mother in the world.”

  I nod and let her guide me to the car. When we drive away, I steal one last glance at Martin’s building before hardening my heart against him a little bit more.

  That was infinitely harder than I thought it would be, even with all the mental preparation I’d done. He’s just so… him. He’s so handsome, and sexy, even when I hate him. And today, he was so kind. I was expecting him to be shocked about the baby, and maybe to tell me he wanted nothing to do with me. I thought he’d tell me to get rid of it. I thought I’d have a fight on my hands.

  Instead, he wanted it. He wanted me!

  I cry silent tears as Jenna takes me home, finally pulling myself together as we drive onto my street. I look at the little run-down building and sigh, shaking my head.

  “Thank goodness for that insurance pay out.”

  “What a blessing,” Jenna says with a sigh. She squeezes my hand and smiles at me. “I’m proud of you, Nic. Everything is going to work out just fine.”

  “Yeah,” I say, nodding. “Okay.”

  36

  Martin

  By the time my 30 days are up, I’ve sold my apartment and my car, and I’ve paid the insurance company. All those bonuses were good for something, in the end. I move into a small apartment in the city, and I start looking for a job.

  My communication with Nicole is minimal, but at least she answers my texts now. I try to give her some space. When she came to see me, I saw how difficult it was for her.