Guilty: Confessions Series: Book 1

by Monroe, Lilian

  I’m still coming to terms with how deeply I hurt her. The hope that I have of ever winning her trust is slowly dying, but I know that all I can do is show her that I’m a different man.

  A couple weeks later, I take a job as a public defender. The offices are cramped and understaffed, and the budget is tight. I have six times as many cases as I had at Sanders & Perry, and less resources to fight them with. Still, there’s a buzz in the office that didn’t exist before. Clients aren’t ranked based on the size of their retainer. I’m surprised to say that I actually enjoy it.

  The void inside me starts to slowly heal. My work becomes purposeful. I’m not chasing dollars, or wins, or reputation anymore. I’m chasing justice. I’m working myself to the bone and it feels good.

  The first time I see Nicole since that night at my apartment is when we decide to have lunch together. When I ask her out, I don’t expect her to say yes. When she does, I end up smiling like an idiot for the rest of the day.

  A few days later, she walks into the Public Defender’s offices and takes my breath away. Her hair is thick and shiny, tumbling around her shoulders. Her baby bump is starting to show and my heart skips a beat.

  Fear curls in my heart when I see her. My thoughts jump to Brianne, and all the trauma and heartache that surrounded her pregnancy. But Nicole just smiles at me and hitches her purse higher on her shoulder.

  “You ready?”

  “Yep,” I say, shuffling a few papers and locking my office door. She looks around and smiles at me.

  “This is different. I never would have imagined you working in an office that wasn’t entirely made of glass and pretentiousness.”

  I laugh, putting my hand on her back to guide her down the steps to the sidewalk. I pull my hand away, clearing my throat. It still feels so natural to be beside her.

  “I’m actually really enjoying it. There’s a lot more energy in the office than there was at Sanders & Perry. Maybe everyone is just overworked,” I grin.

  “Maybe. I’m happy for you.” She smiles at me, and a bolt of lightning passes through my chest. How does she do that? All these weeks, I thought I was getting over her. I focused on work, and on moving, and on rebuilding myself from the ground up.

  I thought that my feelings for her would fade, but they’ve only gotten stronger. I open the door to the cafe for her, and we find a table near the window. I get us a couple menus and sit down, smiling at her.

  “So how far along are you now?”

  “Twenty weeks. I’m getting so big!”

  “You’re beautiful.”

  She blushes, burying her face in the menu. My heart skips a beat, and I look down at the menu without reading it. My whole body is buzzing. I haven’t been this close to her in weeks, and I don’t know how to act. I steal another glance at her, and in that moment, I know.

  I know that she’s the one for me. She’s the only one I’ll ever love, no matter how I try to get over her. She’s the mother of my child, and the love of my life. No matter what I do, from now on, it’ll be for her and for our baby. She may never accept me, she may never trust me, but I’ll be there for her.

  Maybe this is my penance for all the wrong that I’ve done. It’ll be my lifelong torture, to know that the woman I love is painfully out of reach.

  Still, it’s the sweetest torture of all. She tucks a strand of dark hair behind her ear and I know that there’s nowhere I’d rather be.

  I’ll spend my life trying to win back her trust. Even if I never do, I’ll be here. I need to be. There’s no other way that my life can go on.

  Nicole catches me looking at her, and I glance back down at the menu.

  “The Cajun chicken sandwich looks good,” she says.

  “Yeah,” I reply. I still haven’t been able to actually read any of the words on the menu. My heart thumps, and I watch as Nicole bites her lower lip.

  I would kill to kiss her right now. My hands are itching to run through her hair, and to pull her body next to mine. I glance at her bump, and I wish I could run my hand over it. What would it be like to feel our baby kicking?

  The waitress comes to take our order, and I just tell her I’ll have the same thing as Nicole. I can’t focus. Nicole smiles at me.

  “You look good,” she says. “Like… clearer. I don’t know. Your eyes aren’t so sad.”

  I smile. “I have sad eyes?”

  “You used to.”

  “I was living a lie.”

  Her face falls, and I regret saying it. She clears her throat, and her tone changes. It’s all business now, and she discusses the arrangements for the baby. When I’ll be able to visit, how much time I’ll have with the baby, where she wants to send it to school when it’s older, that kind of thing.

  “Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”

  She shakes her head. “I think I’m going to wait to find out.”

  “That’s very old-school of you. How will you know what color to paint the nursery?”

  “I don’t believe in gendered colors.” Her eyebrow arches. “I’ll paint it like a rainbow.”

  “Is it safe for you to be breathing in paint fumes? Maybe I could paint it for you.”

  “I’ll hire someone,” she says, glancing out the window. Her hands twist into each other, and I know I’ve overstepped a boundary. I take a deep breath. I don’t want to mess this up. This is the first time I’ve seen her, and she’s still fragile. I need to be here for her, and for the baby.

  If that means being patient with her, then I can do that. If that means being celibate forever, then I guess I can do that too.

  When I see her eyes light up as our food hits the table, I know I’ll never be able to be with another woman. I just hope that she’ll forgive me one day. When we walk back to the office, the tension between us has eased the tiniest bit. When we say goodbye, Nicole smiles and kisses my cheek.

  I watch her walk away with a big, dumb grin plastered across my face.

  37

  Nicole

  “It just kicked!’ My eyes widen, and I put my hand on my stomach. I reach for Stella’s hand and put it on my stomach. “Can you feel it?”

  “That’s amazing,” she laughs. She puts her other hand on my belly and giggles. “That feels so weird!”

  “She’s strong!”

  “Is it a girl? I thought you were waiting to find out.”

  “I am. I just think it’s a little girl,” I laugh. “I could be wrong.”

  Just then, the conference door opens. Carmen and a young lawyer from Sanders & Perry walk through the door. Her eyebrows raise in recognition and she nods to me.

  “Nicole.”

  “Carmen,” I say. “Hi. I didn’t know you’d be here today.”

  “This is an important case. Should we get to work?”

  All business, all the time. That’s Carmen. I take notes throughout the meeting, trying not to stare at her. She looks exactly the same. She’s just as intimidating as she was when I worked for her.

  When the meeting is over, I chase Carmen towards the elevators.

  “Carmen!” I say. “Carmen!”

  She turns around, her eyebrows arched in surprise. “Is everything okay?’

  “Yeah, everything is fine,” I say. I glance at the lawyer with her and nod to pull her aside. The little jog from the conference room to the elevators has rendered me out of breath. I inhale, finally able to speak. Her eyes flick to the hand on my stomach, and her eyebrow arches.

  “I just wanted to say thank you for everything. I was such a mess when I left Sanders & Perry, I don’t think I properly thanked you for the opportunities you gave me.”

  Carmen’s eyes soften and she puts her hand on my forearm. “You were a great employee, and I was sad to see you go. The firm has changed a lot, since you and Martin left.” She shakes her head, sighing. “I understand why he did what he did, with the insurance company, but I still don’t think he had to leave.”

  I frown. “The insurance company?”

&n
bsp; Carmen’s eyes widen. “He didn’t tell you?”

  “Tell me what?”

  “I thought that’s why you were at his place, that evening.”

  “Tell me what, Carmen?” My voice is harder, and my whole body starts to shake. Carmen looks away from me. She clears her throat.

  “I should go.”

  “Carmen!”

  “I shouldn’t have said anything. Fuck,” she breathes. “Martin has always been my weakness, ever since he came to me as an arrogant young lawyer fresh out of law school. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry, Nicole. You’re going to have to ask him.”

  “What did he do? Is that why he quit?”

  She nods. “He said he wanted to protect the firm, but I’ve always thought he wanted to protect you, you know, in case anything came out in the press. He didn’t want you to be at the center of any controversy.” She shakes her head. “He’d never admit that, obviously. But that’s just what I think.”

  My breath is ragged. My head is spinning. I don’t know what to think. Carmen smiles at me sadly, shaking her head.

  “He’s crazy about you, Nicole.”

  “He’s not. He doesn’t care about me.” My voice is shaking and weak, and Carmen just sighs. She nods to her coworker, who’s staring at his phone by the elevators.

  “I should go.”

  I want to stop her and force her to tell me what’s going on. I want to pull her back and make her tell me the whole story, but my feet stay rooted to the ground and my voice stays silent. I watch her get into the elevator and disappear, and then I lean against the wall and sigh.

  The insurance? What did Martin have to do with the insurance? I put my hand to my head and try to take deep, calming breaths. Panicking won’t be good for the baby.

  Her words swirl around my head, knocking loose all the things that I’ve tried to ignore. All the feelings that I have for Martin come surging back up inside me, and my defenses weaken. I turn to see Stella watching me, and she nods.

  “Go.”

  My lip trembles, and I nod back. I speed-walk to the elevator and mash the button until the door opens. Then it’s a blur of waddling, taxis, and heavy breathing until I get to Martin’s offices.

  “I’m here to see Martin Henderson.” I’m breathless, and sweaty, and I probably look like a crazy person.

  “Do you have an appointment?”

  “No, but—”

  “I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re going to need an appointment.”

  “Listen, just call him and tell him Nicole is here to see him.”

  “He’s asked not to be disturbed.”

  I put my knuckles on the desk and take a deep breath. “I guarantee you, he’ll want to talk to me.”

  I tap my fingers on the reception desk as the lady phones his extensions. I listen to her say my name, and I pace up and down until she tells me I can go through. Her eyebrow arches and she watches me walk by. I ignore her.

  Martin is waiting for me at the door to his office. His eyebrows are drawn together and he looks at my face, and then my stomach.

  “What’s wrong? Is everything okay? Is the baby okay? Nicole?”

  “The baby’s fine,” I say, brushing past him into his office. I plant my hands on my hips and spin towards him. He closes the door, watching me.

  His arms hang by his sides and his face is blank. The air between us is thick with everything we’ve left unsaid. I want to scream. I want to hurl his stapler at his head and I want to melt into his arms and kiss him. I can’t think straight.

  Finally, I take a deep breath.

  “What happened with Jack’s life insurance?”

  His eyebrows arch and he looks away from me. “I don’t know.” His shoulder hitches up slightly. “What do you mean?”

  “Martin.” My voice is hard. I take a step towards him.

  He glances at me and takes a deep breath. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Nicole.”

  “Carmen told me.”

  His eyes widen and then he lets out a deep sigh. “Fuck. She told you?!”

  I nod. He stares at me, frowning.

  “What did she tell you?”

  I sigh. “Martin! Just tell me the truth! Isn’t that your new ‘thing’? The truth? Tell me what happened. Don’t I have a right to know?”

  My legs tremble. I hate pleading with him. I hate the fact that once again, he’s holding all the cards. He rakes his fingers through his hair and makes it stand on end. He motions to a chair and sits in the one across from it.

  I lower myself down, putting a protective hand over my stomach. Martin takes a deep breath.

  “I made a deal with the insurance company. I confessed to them, and told them I would cover the policy if they agreed not to press charges and signed a non-disclosure agreement.”

  My jaw drops. I stare at him, unmoving.

  “I didn’t want to tell you, Nicole. I didn’t want you to think… I don’t know what I was thinking. I didn’t want you to think it was charity, or me trying to get back in your good graces. I just wanted to do the right thing. The fewer people know, the better. This would be exactly the type of thing that the press would pounce on. When Stella told me about the baby…” He sighs and shake his head.

  “You did this for the baby?”

  His eyes flick up to mine. They look like crushed velvet—full of pleading and pain and something softer. “And you.”

  “You gave up your whole life for us?”

  Laughing, he shakes his head. “I didn’t give anything up, Nicole—only money. I thought I gave up a lot, but working here… it’s good. And I’ve gotten to see you.” He stares out the window and shakes his head. “I just needed to know that you’d be okay. I just wanted to do the right thing for once in my miserable life.”

  Tears start streaming down my face as I stare at him. He wrings his hands together, staring at the floor between us. His hair is standing on end, and his tie is crooked. His shirt is partially untucked and he has big, purple bags under his eyes.

  He looks like a mess, and he’s never looked better.

  He’s a mess because he cares about me. He’s a mess because he cares about the baby. He changed his whole life, gave up everything he cared about, just to make sure our baby was okay.

  He didn’t even tell me.

  I push myself up and close the distance between us. I run my fingers through his hair and pull him towards me. He exhales slowly, resting his head against my stomach. His hands come up to my bump, and we both start quietly crying.

  My tears fall onto his thick brown hair as I hold him close to me. His hands stroke my stomach, my waist, my back, and a flame of desire ignites inside me. My heart flutters, and the defenses I’ve built around it dissolve into nothing.

  Martin looks up at me as tears stream down his face. He wraps his arms around my waist and kisses my belly before looking back up.

  “Nicole, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry for everything. I never want to hurt you again, and if you don’t want me in your life, I understand. I’ll always be here for you. I still love you with everything I have, which isn’t much, but—”

  “Shut up, you big idiot,” I say, sobbing and laughing. I lean down and press my lips to his. He pulls me closer, running his strong, broad hands up under my shirt. He moans as he deepens the kiss.

  I yelp and laugh as he picks me up and lays me across his lap. Tangling his fingers into my hair, he presses his forehead to mine.

  “You’re the love of my life, Nicole. I hope you’ll forgive me one day.”

  “I just did.” I kiss the tip of his nose and let out a long sigh. “I’ve missed you.”

  “You have no idea.” He shakes his head, staring deep in my eyes. I hook my arms around his neck and take a deep, cleansing breath.

  When he kisses me again, his lips are soft, and his touch is tender. He lays a hand on my stomach and sighs. We hold each other for a few long, quiet moments. For the first time in months, I’m truly, completely content.


  38

  Martin

  Holding Nicole in my arms is making my heart palpitate in dangerous ways. I run my hands through her hair and pull her close to me. We sit in my office for a long moment, together.

  She came back to me. She wants me.

  She forgives me.

  I didn’t think it would feel like this. I’d resigned myself to seeing her from a distance, to being satisfied with the minimal contact that she allowed.

  But now…

  Now there’s real hope! I have a chance!

  I run my hand up and down her spine and she groans. I kiss her again, softly, and then she pulls away.

  “Martin…”

  My heart falls. I try to keep my face steady.

  “Yeah?”

  “I just…” Her breath hitches. “I want to take it slow.”

  “Of course.”

  “I feel like I can’t trust you.”

  “You can.”

  She sighs. The sadness in her eyes is unbearable. She cups her hand on my cheek and stares deep in my eyes. Her eyes are shining silver today, and the green specks are bright.

  “It’s a lot to take in.”

  She disentangles herself from me and stands up, smoothing her pencil skirt. Her baby bump is showing more and more every day, and all I want to do is put my hands on it and kiss it and talk to it.

  But I don’t.

  I watch her smooth her hair and take a deep breath.

  “Have you gotten a new car yet?”

  She shakes her head.

  “Not yet. I’m trying to be responsible and do lots of research. The insurance money seems like a lot right now but I have to be smart or it’ll be gone in a flash.”

  Hope takes hold in my heart. “At least let me drive you back to work.”

  Her lips twitch, and she dips her chin down. “Okay.”

  Sitting next to her in the car is torture, and I love every minute of it. We don’t speak. After a few minutes, Nicole turns on the radio. Adele comes on over the speakers and Nicole quickly switches the channel. I glance at her, grinning.