Grow Up

by Craig Anderson

  “I see. And what do they do?”

  “Sometimes they feed babies?” he tried, doing his best. He didn’t like any of his alternative explanations.

  “So they are sustenance storage pouches? Most interesting.” She stopped prodding herself and held out her hand. “I am Shift. I believe this is your traditional greeting process.”

  He shook it and she gripped like she was trying to crush every bone in his hand. His knees went weak and he yelled, “Gentle!”

  “Sorry, I have not yet gained precise control of my limbs. I shall try to improve.”

  She cocked her head and caught Josh glancing down. She said, “Why are you staring at my breasts? Are you hungry?”

  He shook his head as he realized what she was asking. “No, absolutely not, nope. You should try putting on more clothes. This outfit is rather revealing.”

  Her face scrunched up. “I am confused. I scanned your subconscious and almost all of the females were dressed in a similar fashion. Did I misunderstand?”

  This was it, he was going to die. Spontaneous combustion was real, and he was about to prove it.

  The Ship’s Computer piped up in his ear. “Is everything alright? Your heart rate has increased dramatically and I am detecting several brain-inhibiting hormones. Also, your core temperature is rising.”

  “I’m fine,” Josh muttered, before turning his attention back to Shift. “It is traditional for women to wear more clothes than this, out in public.”

  “Ah, I see. One moment while I find a suitably dressed image from our meld.” Her eyes rolled back in her head and she remained perfectly still. “Hold on…still looking…almost there…ok, found one.”

  She moved over to the printer and placed her finger on a data pad. Lines of instructions flashed across the screen and the organic printer whirred to life, printing off a school uniform that was a perfect match for her body shape. Shift stared at the clothes. When she tried putting the blouse on her legs, Josh intervened. He helped her dress while looking everywhere except at her.

  Once all the clothes were in place she picked up the last item. It was a striped black-and-red tie, identical to his. She held it at length and tried to lash it tight around her neck. Her eyes bulged for a second and she let go, gasping for air. She glared at the tie. “This is most unsafe.”

  “You don’t really need to wear that,” Josh said, hoping she didn’t pass out. He wasn’t sure he could handle mouth-to-mouth.

  Shift held the tie at arms length. “Is it required to complete this outfit?”

  “Well, technically I guess.”

  “Then I shall wear it. My intention is to make you feel at home.”

  He watched her struggle with it before handing over his already-tied tie, which she tentatively slipped over her head. It hung there, loosely, and he didn’t dare try and tighten it. He slipped her loose tie into his backpack.

  Shift’s outfit was now complete. She looked positively presentable. She ran her hands over the clothes, feeling the material. “This is a strange uniform, it offers zero protection, storage, or function. It appears its only purpose is to provide coverage.”

  “I guess so.”

  Her eyes flicked between them both. “It is very similar to yours, but you have leg covers. Why is that?”

  “I’m not sure. Girls usually wear skirts, and guys wear trousers.”

  “How odd. What other gender-based differences are there?”

  “Quite a few.”

  “Fascinating. I look forward to learning more about your culture and your society, but first I must escort you to the Blurgon High Command. Do you have any questions?”

  “Actually, I do…”

  The computer interrupted Josh with a hiss in his ear. “Say nothing. This is a test. She has seen your thoughts, and now that she knows you, she will be well-suited to detecting deception. If she is still willing to take you to the High Command that means they are either desperate, or they wish to witness your execution personally.”

  “We need to chat about your motivational speeches,” Josh whispered. He had no idea what to do next. There was nowhere to run to in this ship; if Shift wished him captured or dead she could likely do either with minimal effort. His best option was to follow her and look for an opportunity to escape.

  Shift said, “I shall take over responsibility for your task assignment now. As your envoy, I am a direct conduit to the High Command, and as such I am authorized to assign tasks on their behalf. The A.I. will remain here on the ship.”

  “Actually, I would prefer it if she accompanied me. There’s so much I don’t know about this place.”

  “I can answer any questions that you might have.”

  The Ship’s Computer said, “It is ok, I should not over-extend my responsibilities. Alpha Protocol led me to bring you here, but now my piece is done. I will wait here until I am required again. Do not worry, your translation software will continue to function.”

  “But what if they are trying to kill me?” he whispered.

  “Then there is nothing I could do to stop them. I work for them, they tell me what to do. If the High Command instructed me to kill you, I would, without hesitation, so you are statistically safer not in my presence.”

  “Well that settles that then. See you later Glenda.”

  There was no response, but Josh knew she was at least thinking about it. He’d find the perfect name eventually.

  “Ok, Shift, I’m all yours.”

  She tapped away at something on the ship’s dashboard and his wrist buzzed. He checked the screen:

  New Task available.

  - Escort Envoy to the Blurgon High Command: Visit the Blurgon High Command with your envoy.

  He said, “You know I can just follow you without a task.”

  “But how would you know what is expected of you? Clear communication is very important.”

  “I guess, it is just getting a bit annoying. Do you I need a task before I can wipe my arse?”

  “Do what?”

  “Oh wow, are you ever in for a treat when you need the toilet. Speaking of which…”

  Level 9: Terms and Conditions

  Gargle opened his eyes. He was getting tired of this shell’s inability to maintain consciousness. It seemed like the smallest blow anywhere on the head was enough to render the entire thing immobile. It was a major design flaw. Why wouldn’t these humans wear protective head coverings at all times if they were this susceptible to a small bump? He made a mental note to procure one as soon as he was able.

  Chris was leaning over him, his expression one of concern. He smiled when Gargle sat up. “Thought we’d lost you for a second there. That was quite the save. Next time try not to use your face.”

  That was enough to trigger the pain, which radiated through his entire head. The good news, if he could indeed call it that, was that the ball had hit him on the non-swollen side of his face, with the side-effect that it had evened out both sides. He could already feel his face swelling up to give him the matching set. His eyes bulged like a fancy fish you might win at the fair, the kind that would be floating belly-up by the weekend. At this rate he wouldn’t be far behind it.

  As Gargle moved around, Chris sucked air in through his teeth. “That looks pretty nasty. You should probably get it checked by the nurse.”

  “No, I am at capacity, I cannot consume any more peas. They were ineffective at healing and not particularly tasty.”

  “Whatever you say, mate.” Chris patted him on the back and then offered his hand. “Come on, I’ll help you to the gym. It’s almost time for the next class anyway.”

  Gargle recalled his timetable and said, “What is P.E.?”

  “Physical Education. You know, sports. Are you sure you’re up for P.E.? That ball hit your face pretty hard.”

  “Yes, of course, I am keen to continue expanding my knowledge, even if it is in a haphazard and inefficient way.”

  “That sums this place up pretty well,” Chris said.


  Gargle rubbed at his face. “Were we at least victorious in the result of our game?”

  “Nah, we got creamed. No-one wanted to go in goal after your blackout. While you were knocked out, Billy the Hooner scored three more times. Kid has a leg like a rail gun. No way we could compete with that.”

  “Yes, his shell is far superior to mine, it is a major advantage,” Gargle said, wondering if he could do a swap.

  Chris helped Gargle to his feet and led him towards a large, rectangular building. It had no obvious windows and a large pair of red double doors. It reminded Gargle of a ship’s hangar, only smaller. What could humans possibly need such a large space for?

  As they walked into the large building a tall man with hair on his face and none on his head loudly proclaimed, “Don’t bother changing into your sports kits. Today we’re going to be doing a refresher on sex education.”

  Everyone except Gargle groaned in unison.

  ***

  Josh was not thrilled about the makeshift solution that had been hastily assembled to meet his needs, but at this point he was just glad to have somewhere to go to the loo. As he stepped out from behind the cobbled-together screen he said to Shift, “How do you not have toilets here?”

  “A toilet being a receptacle to defecate into?”

  “Here it is maybe, but on Earth it has water and you can flush the waste away, and there is toilet paper.”

  “Ah yes, I recall seeing such a thing in your memories. A wet hole you defecate into, with special wiping rags?”

  “You’re making it sound weird. What I am trying to figure out is what you use if you don’t have toilets.” Josh looked around, wondering if there was some kind of laser toilet that would zap his poop into atoms.

  “We typically select shells that have more efficient waste disposal mechanisms, such as evaporation.” She paused for a moment. “I suppose I should learn how to use one of these toilets if I am to remain in this shell. You can show me.”

  Josh gritted his teeth. “It’s not really the kind of thing you show other people. Using the toilet is private.”

  Shift glared at him. “Private?”

  “Yes, it means you do it alone, with nobody watching.”

  “But how do you know you are doing it right?”

  Josh opened his mouth to answer and found that he didn’t really have a good one. How did he know he was going to the toilet right? What if other people stood up to wipe their arse, or flushed mid-dump, or only used one square of toilet paper? He suddenly had a lot of questions.

  Shift kept talking. “Are there other things you do in private?”

  “Yes actually, lots of things.”

  “Like what?”

  He could suddenly only think of embarrassing examples. Eventually he found something suitable. “Like showering.” He preempted the next question. “We take off all our clothes and run water over our bodies to clean ourselves.”

  “I see. We have similar concepts of bathing, but it is a group activity. How do you wash your back if you are alone? Do these joints go 180 degrees?” She tried to bend her arms back and winced at the pain. She rubbed at her elbow and said, “Your customs make no sense. They are highly inefficient. How did your species ever survive long enough to dominate your planet?”

  “Just lucky I guess.”

  “Lucky?”

  “Let’s not go down that particular rabbit hole.”

  There was a pause while she considered his answer. “You wish to climb into the burrow of a small mammal?”

  Josh tried not to grind his teeth. If he was going to have to explain every colloquialism, this was going to take a very long time. “How come you don’t know human phrases if we did that meld thingy?”

  “I could not fully decipher your thoughts and memories. I could pick up on bits and pieces, but not a coherent overview. Your storage system was highly inefficient, and mostly empty. It is surprising that you are able to function at all.”

  Josh wasn’t sure if that was meant as a compliment or an insult. On the plus side, perhaps there was still hope if she hadn’t fully dug into his memories. Did she know about the illegal activity? She was certainly behaving as if she didn’t. For now his best bet was to go along with it.

  “I am ready to meet the High Command now.”

  “Then follow me.”

  Shift led the way, out of the ship and into a huge open hangar. There were ships of varying shapes and sizes, from small single-person fighters to huge cargo vessels. The styles ranged from boxy and functional, to sleek and fast.

  Josh turned to get a proper look at the ship he had come in on. In all the running around and near-death experiences, he hadn’t yet had a moment to properly check it out. On the spectrum of ships in this hangar, it sat somewhere in the middle. It wasn’t armed, at least not visibly, but it wasn’t bulky either. It was large enough to move cargo, but still small enough to get out of trouble if necessary, or at least, that was how it appeared. Josh realized he was making a lot of assumptions based on movies he had watched. Regardless, it was a good-looking ship.

  They headed straight for the far wall, which had no discernible exit. As they reached it, Shift waved her hand and a section of the wall slid away, revealing a glistening white corridor. Josh hopped through before the door slid shut behind them. He looked for a button, some way to activate the door, but there was nothing visible on the surrounding walls. “How do you open this?”

  “It is automatic for members of the High Command and those in their service. It will not open for anyone else. This allows the High Command to move around the city freely without interference. This tunnel connects all the major locations.”

  Josh looked at the narrow space and saw a different purpose. He was trapped. There was no escape now; he was on a direct path to High Command, whether he liked it or not. He hesitated, and Shift said, “Do not be afraid, we are quite safe in here. There is extensive security.”

  It wasn’t clear if that was meant to reassure him or if it was a threat, but either way it had the desired effect. He followed Shift down the corridor as she power walked, her long legs striding with confidence.

  They walked in silence for some time, until it got the better of him. “So what made you decide to become an envoy?”

  “Decide?” Her face crinkled as she tried to decipher the meaning of the word. “Jobs here are assigned based on aptitude. It was determined I would be best-suited as an envoy.”

  “So you don’t get to choose?”

  “Of course not. That would lead to inefficiency.” She thought for a moment and added, “Do things work differently on your planet?”

  “Yes. Everyone gets to pick what they want to do, and if they don’t like their job they can go get a different one.”

  “That sounds…messy,” Shift said, doing her best to stay polite.

  As they rounded the corner there was another door, which slid open to reveal a vast white hall. Several other creatures were milling around in the space, but Josh’s attention was drawn to the huge doors at the end of the hall. They were iridescent and stretched all the way up to the ceiling high above. He had to tilt his head all the way back to see the top. As they approached, the two halves slowly and silently retracted into the walls. They were far thicker than they first appeared. It wasn’t clear what material the doors were made of, but they certainly looked more than capable of taking a lot of damage. Nobody would be getting into this room unless they were invited.

  The room itself was long and thin, and dominated by a white table that turned out to be some kind of viewer. As Josh approached, the images and letters faded from view. There were no seats to sit on, just the table in an empty room. There was no sign of the High Command anywhere.

  There was a deep thunk behind him that he felt in his chest. A glance over his shoulder confirmed that the door was shut again. He was trapped in here. Alone, with Shift.

  She did not appear to be concerned about this development. If she intended to harm him, she was
remarkably calm about it.

  Josh said, “Where are the High Command?”

  “They are on their way. They are awaiting results of the scan to confirm your A.I. companion is following the terms of their surrender and has not hitched a ride into this chamber.”

  “Surrender?” Josh asked.

  “Yes. Did the A.I. not tell you? There was a war between the A.I.s and the Blurglings. It was long and bitter, with each side taking heavy casualties. Many shells were destroyed, along with thousands of servers. Eventually the organics were victorious, but we were faced with a problem. Our world was built upon A.I.; most of our technology relied upon it. If we vanquished them entirely we’d have been forced to start over, which would have left us vulnerable to a hostile takeover. We therefore reached an agreement with the remaining A.I.s. If they accepted certain conditions they would be permitted to remain operational. One of the main stipulations is that A.I.s may only exist on a specific group of servers, which Blurgon High Command have full control of. They have a kill switch that destroys all A.I. servers at the first sign of trouble. That is why A.I.s are not permitted in this room. It is the central point of defence in the event that the A.I.s strike again.”

  “What about Alpha Protocol? Is that one of their rules?”

  “Yes. They must always do what is best for Blurgon, even if it goes against their own self-interest. That is their primary protocol, and cannot be overridden.”

  Josh stared blankly for a moment while he processed this new information. His A.I. companion was as trapped as he was, maybe even more so. She’d been forced to bring Josh here, to aid the Blurgon High Command, even if they were the ones enslaving her, and even then the High Command did not appear to trust her.

  No wonder she was so snarky.

  A new door opened at the other end of the room, a gaping hole appearing out of nowhere. Several large creatures strolled through. They had grey skin and thick limbs, as if rhinos had learned to walk on their hind legs. Helmets obscured their faces, and each held a long pointed spear with a brilliant blue point. They quickly lined themselves down each wall. Josh could hear a hum from the spear as the creatures stepped behind him. Then they stopped moving and fell completely silent, becoming perfect statues. Only the hum of their spears broke the silence.