Grow Up

by Craig Anderson

  Several purple beings of varying shapes and sizes floated into the room. They looked similar to Shift when he had first seen her, with only the colour distinguishing them. These were all much darker purple, with no hints of blue at all. They remained at the far end, and a voice boomed in Josh’s head. “We wish to speak with the envoy.”

  Shift turned to Josh. “Wait here for a moment, and don’t make any sudden moves. The guards are not used to creatures with permanent shells, they will cut off limbs as a warning.”

  Josh stayed perfectly still, not daring to move a muscle. He liked all his limbs and he certainly didn’t feel like losing one. Shift shed her human form, the body slumping to the ground, and floated past the guards in her ethereal form.

  One of the smaller purple mists pulsed as she approached, in their native form of communication. “Greetings. Report on the specimen.”

  “It willingly performed a meld with me. There are no signs of threat or deception. It appears to be here with good intentions.”

  One of the larger mists butted in. “Appears?”

  “The specimen has a very rudimentary file system, some deciphering was required. Melding is not a perfect science. All I can say with certainty is that the specimen means us no harm.”

  “Then the Alpha Protocol has not been compromised?”

  “I do not believe so,” Shift said, choosing her words carefully. There was always the underlying concern that the A.I.s would discover a way to shake off their virtual shackles and begin a fresh war. The High Command were skeptical whenever an A.I. claimed to be acting in their best interests.

  A different mist said, “This specimen does not look impressive. It only has four limbs, and by your own admission it lacks higher cognitive function. Are we certain that it is capable of operating a mech at the required level? Perhaps this is a joke from the A.I., a way to waste our time, which we are desperately running out of.”

  “I have seen flashes of the specimen’s ability in various simulations and tests. I believe that given suitable motivation it can perform at the required level.”

  “Can you provide that motivation?” asked a familiar mist.

  “Of course,” Shift responded, annoyed.

  “You know what it is that it truly desires?”

  Shift paused for long enough that the purple mist repeated the question. “Do you know?”

  “Yes, I believe so. It is quite unlike any creature I have melded with before. It is…simple, yet complex. It desires many things, some of them clearly, and others only under the surface. Several of its desires contradict each other, but I believe I have enough to work with.”

  “You believe? Are you willing to bet the future of the company on that?”

  “Yes, Mother,” Shift flashed, finally letting her frustration get the better of her.

  “I am simply asking, as your superior, that you perform your duties to an acceptable standard.”

  Why was it always like this? She never offered a quiet word of encouragement—it was always loud and direct, in front of her peers.

  “I shall do what is necessary. Is that all?”

  “No, we would like to meet the specimen,” her mother said. “You didn’t think we had it brought all the way here to stare at it from across the room, did you?”

  “Are you sure that is a good idea?” asked the largest mist. “What if it is dangerous?”

  “It has no means of harming you, so there is no need for you to feel threatened. This specimen is of no use to us if it loses a limb. It is attached to its shell, so any physical injury is permanent.”

  “That is a most unfortunate design flaw. Does that not make it extremely vulnerable to physical assault?”

  “Yes, which is why I ask that you don’t get too close. I don’t want to spook it. I shall get back into my shell, to provide reassurance.”

  As Josh watched, the flashing clouds suddenly turned and drifted in his direction, with Shift leading the way. She slipped back into the prone form at his feet, and like a puppet after intermission, she sprang back to life. As the purple mists surrounded him Josh said, “What is going on?”

  “They wished to meet you. This is the Blurgon High Command. They have ultimate control over the company, and therefore everything you do.”

  The clouds flashed enthusiastically, like tiny thunderstorms without the noise, alternating. They were clearly having a chat with each other, and Josh suspected he was the topic of conversation. He leaned over to Shift and said, “What are they saying?”

  Shift watched the flashing for a moment and said, “It is better for you not to know.”

  “Now I really want to know!”

  “They are saying that you appear weak and unimpressive, and that you will soon fail law school and be proven to be a joke from the A.I. to waste their precious time.”

  She had warned him. Josh was about to give these stupid clouds a piece of his mind when Shift said, “This meeting is over. It is time for us to depart for law school.”

  “Wait, I have a few things I would like to say to them!”

  The guards sprang to life, their spear tips dropping in perfect synchrony to create a very spiky wall. Shift said, “The High Command do not repeat themselves. We have been asked to leave. I suggest we do so, while we still have the limbs required to do so.”

  Josh took a step away from the guards and decided that now wasn’t the time to share. He’d just have to show them they were wrong by crushing law school.

  They were ushered out of the large double doors by the slowly advancing wall of guards. The moment they stepped through the threshold Josh’s wrist buzzed:

  Task Complete - Escort Envoy to the Blurgon High Command

  You visited the Blurgon High Command with your envoy, and convinced them you are a suitable candidate for law school. Reward: £12.96

  “I don’t get it, I didn’t do anything,” Josh said.

  “Exactly,” replied Shift. “You stayed quiet long enough for them to approve you. Based on the report from the Ship’s Computer, that must have been a monumental effort for you.”

  ***

  The lights in the gym turned back on, forcing Gargle to squint. He could hardly believe what he had just seen on the small boxy viewer. There had been poorly illustrated depictions of a process that had left him with far more questions than answers.

  On Blurgon, reproduction was an elegant, thoughtful affair. Over a long period of time two Blurglings became acquainted and decided that they were better together than apart, that their union was worth more than the sum of its parts. This was a careful calculation, performed by both parties, for to have a child on Blurgon was to lose a part of yourself. Literally. Sacrifice was required. Each parent carved out a chunk of their ethereal self, and the parts were blended together. It was a lengthy process, requiring them to stay physically connected for months while the new ethereal formed. Sometimes the results were a predictable combination of the dominant attributes of each party, and other times they were not. The one thing it always was, was intentional. One did not carve off a piece of their ethereal form and get entangled with another being by accident.

  He knew that not all species did it this way, that there were many ways to achieve the same end goal. He thought he had seen it all, right up until he had watched that video. On this planet, the process itself was messy. There were liquids, and orifices, and some rather complex mechanics. It appeared highly inefficient.

  Even more strange, the video had implied that humans engaged in this process for the purposes of recreation, rather than procreation. In fact, the vast majority of the presentation had been on how to prevent the process from working at all. Failure to do so resulted in pregnancy, and according to the video, that was a near certainty.

  The teacher at the front of the class looked like he wanted to be absolutely anywhere but here. He squirmed, as if resisting the urge to run, and quietly mumbled, “Does anyone have any questions?”

  Gargle did. He had a lot of question
s. He yelled out, “If the purpose of sex is to reproduce, why do humans perform the act if they do not wish to create offspring?”

  Mr. Shaw died a little inside, and mentally calculated that he only had 782 school days left before retirement. He kept his face as neutral as he could. “Sex isn’t just about creating babies, it is also an act of love that can be enjoyed by anyone. Of course, you have to enjoy it responsibly. You must use protection if you are not ready to start a family.”

  “Protection? From the female? Are they aggressive after mating?”

  Now all the women were glaring at Gargle. There were a few sniggers behind him.

  Mr. Shaw mentally corrected himself. 781.5 days. “If you aren’t going to take this seriously, Josh, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You are distracting your classmates from this very important topic. People here want to learn.”

  “Indeed, and I am one of them. I’m sorry for my questions. I have no experience of mating and am keen to understand it incase the situation arises.”

  Laughter echoed around the gym. One of the guys shouted, “I don’t think you need to worry about that any time soon, Harper.”

  Gargle froze, realizing his error. He should not have revealed his inexperience with mating; it may have blown his cover. What if Josh had mated with several of the females in this room? They would now know that he was lying, and may assume that Josh had been compromised. Would they alert the authorities?

  He had to do something. Perhaps it wasn’t too late. “My apologies, what I meant is that I am very sexually active and have mated numerous times already today with a variety of partners. Male and female.”

  There, that should cover all the angles.

  Mr. Shaw sighed the sigh of a lifelong educator who genuinely thought he had seen it all. He tried to keep his voice level, with mixed success. Each word was a struggle to maintain his composure. “Calm. Down. Please.” He took a deep breath. He was going to have to get his fellow P.E. teachers back for this; they had definitely rigged that basketball shootout to determine who would teach today’s lesson. What were the odds that he would lose four years in a row?

  What he needed to do was regain control. “Mr. Harper, is it safe to assume you are done asking questions?”

  “Actually, I have one more…”

  When asked later, Mr. Shaw could not provide a compelling reason for why he allowed one more question. Morbid curiosity was the main reason, along with a desire to see just how much one student could embarrass themselves. The answer, as it turned out, was quite a lot more.

  “What is your question?”

  “My reproductive organ appears to be rather smaller than the ones depicted in the video. Is that something I should be concerned about?”

  ***

  Shift headed straight for another tunnel door, but Josh yelled, “Hold up, is there a different way?”

  “There are several ways to the law school. This is the fastest.”

  “I don’t want fast. I want to see outside. I’ve been cooped up for hours. I can’t face going straight to a stuffy law school. I want to breathe some fresh air.” Josh thought for a moment and added, “Wait, can I breathe the air here?”

  “Yes, the atmosphere here is compatible with your specific requirements, although I would avoid spending too long outside due to the risk of exposure to the three suns.”

  “Three suns! I have to see that. Come on, let’s go outside.”

  Shift hesitated. Her role was to gain the candidate’s trust, and it was clear that he wished to go outside. That meant taking a less efficient route, but she calculated it would not delay them considerably. With a sigh she said, “Ok, let us go via the marketplace.”

  She pivoted and headed for a large double door, which was flanked with the same rhino guards they had seen in the High Command room.

  As they approached, the door opened and there was a flood of sounds and smells. Josh was almost overwhelmed with the sudden stimulus; his nostrils flared at the mixture of sweet and pungent aromas, several of which he couldn’t identify. The noise was equally overpowering, with his translator struggling to keep up with the cacophony of shouts, squeaks, and hisses.

  They stepped out into the market and the first thing Josh noticed was the three huge suns blazing overhead—one red, one yellow, and one orange.

  This definitely wasn’t Earth, as demonstrated by the variety of creatures that occupied the marketplace. Josh ground to a halt, staring at a green pointy-headed creature that was conversing with a huge purple slug. Shift moved behind him and gently nudged him forward. “There will be plenty of time to look around later, but right now the lawyers are expecting you.”

  “They can wait a minute,” Josh said, gawping. Everywhere he looked there was something amazing. He saw something that resembled a watermelon, but it was twice the size and purple. His stomach rumbled in response, reminding him it had been a long time since he last ate.

  “I need to grab a bite to eat,” he said, licking his lips.

  “Lawyers do not wait, and they certainly don’t wait for trainee lawyers. Keep moving.”

  “But I’m hungry.”

  “There is no time to stop for you to consume calories.”

  “I can’t function properly without food.”

  Shift sighed and dragged him over to a nearby vendor with a large pot, bubbling away. It smelled like burnt dirt, an earthy tone that did little to convince him it was food. It resembled a compost heap in the rain, in both colour and consistency.

  She said, “One small buzz beans please.”

  A cup was handed to him. It didn’t have a handle and he was expecting the mug to be hot, but it felt tepid in his hands. He slowly brought the mug to his lips, doing his best to breathe through his mouth, and jumped when the liquid was hot. “Are you sure about this?” he asked.

  “It is unlikely to kill you, and scan results suggest it will not be toxic to your fragile internal organs.”

  “Doesn’t smell like it…”

  “Can we hurry this up!” Shift said, her legs twitching. After a moment she placed her hand on her chest. “What is this feeling?”

  “Probably panic. Don’t worry, I’m coming.” He gulped back the mug in one go and felt a rush of energy unlike anything he had ever experienced before. His arms started to shake, then his legs. It felt like he could run a marathon. His heart pounded in his chest. “Are you sure this isn’t toxic?” he said, fighting the urge to sprint.

  “Yes. Curiously, you seem to be experiencing amplified side effects of the buzz beans. There is no need to be alarmed, they will wear off in approximately 22 of your Earth minutes.”

  Side effects was one way to put it. His mind raced and his memory sharpened. He could focus on a conversation happening across the marketplace. Colours were more vivid, and the pungent smell of the boiling pot assaulted his nostrils with more vigour than before.

  “OkLetsGo,” he said, moving at twice his usual walking pace. Shift had to jog to keep up, but she didn’t complain.

  As he power walked through the rest of the market, she pointed at a building that reached beyond the clouds and said, “That is where we are going.” It was a towering golden cylinder, with no discernible windows and a single door at the bottom. Apparently this planet hadn’t yet discovered subtlety.

  Josh picked up the pace, his legs pumping like pistons. Physical exercise had never been his forte, but his legs didn’t hurt at all. Shift was panting heavily beside him, fully jogging now. When they finally reached the building she bent over, her hands on her knees, gasping for breath. She tried to talk, but the words came out ragged. “Hurts….to…..breathe.”

  “Yeah, looks like you’re out of shape. You need to go to the gym.” Josh bounced on the spot, eager to keep moving.

  The doors slid open and they stepped inside to a grand lobby with a huge reception desk. A shimmering blue Blurgling hovered above the desk. As they approached she said, “State your business.”

  “Trainee…” was
all that Shift could get out, pointing at Josh. Her breathing was slowly going back to normal.

  The blue mist floated toward Josh and said, “Scan.”

  He saw the data pad on the desk and held his wrist band over it. It beeped. A blue beam crossed over him, and an alarm went off. The receptionist looked at her data pad and said, “There has been an error. No consciousness has been detected in this shell.”

  “It is not a Blurgling, it is a new species. It may not register on the scanner,” said Shift.

  “I scanned the entire cortex of this creature and found only a fraction of it being used for low-level functions. It is clearly a brainless automaton. State your business.” The receptionist’s tone had shifted from warm and inviting to icy and threatening.

  “I’m an envoy of the High Command,” Shift said, straightening up.

  “Prove it,” the receptionist said, clearly unimpressed.

  With a whirr, large turrets dropped from the ceiling and trained themselves on Josh and Shift. Josh stepped to the side and the turret followed him. They really loved their laser turrets around here.

  Shift slumped to the floor with a huff, or at least her body did. Josh stared at the dead-eyed corpse that was now splayed out before him. All it was missing was a chalk outline. He resisted the urge to rush over to try and revive her. As he watched, she drifted out of the body with the sound of Velcro ripping open. With a shake to get the last piece free, Shift was now floating above the body like a ghost. She drifted over the data pad. It beeped and the receptionist said, “Proceed.”

  The turrets retracted back into the ceiling and a pair of doors quietly slid open behind the receptionist, revealing a lift. Shift scooped her body up off the ground and put it back on, shaking the limbs like a kid trying to wriggle into an itchy sweater. When she had regained control she said, “After you.”