The Waiting List (Strong Women Book 5)

by Sarah Till

I didn't bother answering. I just laid my head on my arms. It felt like I'd drunk fifteen vodkas and then done tequila slammers. Johnny touched my arm.

  “It turns out I’m not going into work either. And the kids are on a staff day. You see...”

  I interrupted him quickly.

  “Oh, it’s OK, I can go back to bed if you like. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”

  Jenni looked at Johnny, who nodded. She paused for breath then spoke.

  “You see, Clem, I’m moving in with Johnny. I wanted to move my things into his place today.”

  I stared hard at her.

  “You’ve only known him a couple of days.”

  Johnny chipped in. “But we’ve seen each other around. Enough to know we like each other. And it’s the only option at the moment.”

  I sighed.

  “You could stay here, Jenni.” I looked at the children. They’d only been staying here a short time but I looked forward to seeing them. “I would like it if you did. Really.”

  Jenni smiled widely.

  “Thank you! But I’ve decided. I’m going to move in with Johnny. He’s got lots of spare rooms and it's only until I find somewhere else.”

  Johnny gave her a mock exasperated look.

  “But you know that once I get you in my clutches I’ll never let you go!”

  He grabbed at her and the children tickled her. She laughed loudly, the deep laugh of someone who was disgustingly happy. I was forced to smile but inside I was in torture. Before I could minutely examine all my feelings about the night before, the doorbell rang. I jumped up and ran to the door. About ninety per cent of me wanted Tim to be at the door. It wasn’t Tim but another flower delivery. These flowers were hand-tied and all the colours of autumn. They were very beautiful. I plucked out the card, feeling like I was in some kind of floral themed Groundhog Day and tore open the tiny envelope.

  ‘Clementine. These flowers remind me of the day I met you. You’ve been on my mind.’

  I stared at the blooms and this time there was no doubt who they were from. The day I'd met Liam, with my hand romantically stuck down a grid, had been just about the time the leaves were in their full turn, the browns, the golds, the greens, all in these flowers. For a moment, I was captivated by the romance of it all, thrilled that he had put so much thought into it. Until I spotted my parents on my driveway. Mum was shuffling a little and Dad held her elbow, walking behind her. She stopped in front of my house and looked up. It was the first time she had ever been there.

  “Very nice. Very nice indeed.”

  Her face was set in a frown again and her lips pursed. Dad helped her into the hallway and through to the kitchen. She looked at Jenni and Johnny and the two silent children.

  “Oh. Sorry. Didn’t know you had company.”

  I sighed.

  “It’s OK. Jenni, Johnny, this is my mother. And my father. These are Samantha and Jacob.”

  Mum’s handslowly stretched out and touched Jacob’s luxurious hair. He laughed and her eyes lit up. Samantha got down from her chair and went to touch Mum’s hand.

  “Are those real nails? Is that nail polish? Will my nails grow that long? Your teeth are very white.”

  Mum burst out laughing.

  “These are my friends, Mum. Jenni’s been staying with me for a few days. She's moving out today. In with Johnny.”

  “Oh, that’s lovely, love. You don’t want children round your feet when you’re moving things. Leave them with us here and get on with it. Why aren’t you two little buggers in school?”

  Jenni looked uncertain.

  “Well, I’m not sure if...”

  “They can stay with us. We’ll take them out somewhere. I only came round to see if Clementine was all right. I can do that with these two little buggers here.”

  Samantha looked at Jenni.

  “Little bugger. Little buggers.”

  Jacob laughed and hugged Mum’s legs.

  “Watch my butt implants. I only had them done last week and they're a bit sore.”

  I wasn’t sure how Jenni would take Mum’s comments but she laughed.

  “OK, then. I suppose we can get it done quicker if the kids stay here. Come on, you two. Let’s get you dressed.”

  They were gone and Johnny followed. The room became very quiet. Dad fidgeted with his hanky and Mum stared at me.

  “Like I said, I came to see if you’re all right.”

  “Oh, good. Only fifteen years too late.”

  Dad fidgeted more now and shifted from foot to foot. It was Mum who spoke though.

  “Look, Clementine. I told you what I’d been through last night in the car. And believe me, that’s only the tip of the iceberg.”

  “Yes. I know. And I feel for your Mum. But have you ever considered what I’ve been through? I lost her as well you know.”

  Mum snorted through her rhinoplasty as well as she could.

  “Yes. So has your father. But you two seem to have been able to get on with it. Put it to one side and get on as if nothing has ever happened.”

  I was horrified. How did she think I'd felt that night, sixteen years ago, when the police appeared in the lounge? The days following when she didn’t appear. The TV appeal. Mum’s bizarre behaviour, the night when Dad had to make tea because Mum had been arrested again. They watched as I dashed out of the dining room and up the stairs. I reappeared with the wish pot. Mum’s eyebrows arched as far as the newly installed Botox would let them. I threw the pot across the room and it split into three pieces.

  “What’s that then? If I forgot about her, what’s that? I kept that for all those years and added a wish to it now and then. If you read them, you’ll see that most of the wishes are to see my sister again. My selfish sister who walked out that day without so much as a goodbye.”

  They both stared as hundreds of tiny strips of paper unfurled on the tiled floor.

  “That’s nothing. Clementine. I’ve still got all her things. I've got them in the loft. You could've come and got those if you wanted a reminder of her.”

  “It’s not a fucking competition, Mum!”

  Dad still stared at the floor.

  “Language, Clem.”

  “No, Dad. I’m thirty-two years old and I can say what I want. I’ve got a good job and my own home. I can say what I want. The problem is, she wants it all back how it used to be. Believe me, it’s never going to be like that. Even if Charlotte came through that door now, I wouldn’t be the same. You might be ready to forgive her, to forget everything, but I’m not. I’m just not.”

  Mum shook her head.

  “I just don’t know what’s got into you, Clementine.”

  She lit a cigarette and I let her.

  “She stole my life. She took it with her that day when she went. I never got a look in with you after that day. You totally focussed on her, and you still are. The only reason you’re here is because you think I know where she is. You never came before.”

  “I didn’t want to go out in case she came home.”

  I saw red.

  “Bollocks!” Dad winced and tutted. “For sixteen years. You went to the hospital enough though, didn’t you? You know full well why you didn’t want anything to do with me. Because you felt like you were privileging me over her. You wanted to treat us equally. Which would have been great if she was here, but here’s the news: she’s gone. Gone, Mum. She left and never bothered to come back. And she might be living down the road.”

  “She could have been abducted or...”

  “No! No, Mum! I know there is the odd case where someone is found after years and years, but seriously, if she had been abducted or murdered, don’t you think the police would have kept the file open? They said she’s run away. They’ve never found a body.”

  “She could be buried somewhere. I’ve been to psychics and they’ve told me all sorts of things about where she is, what she’s doing. A medium told me that someone who knew her had seen her on the other side.” Mum’s waved her arm
behind her, a gesture I had seen her do many times when she referred to Charlotte in the afterlife. “You don’t know, Clementine. You’re not an expert, in fact you’ve got along with your life quite nicely until now, haven’t you? I mean, your house and job, very nice. When all the time your sister could be buried in the woods somewhere. I don’t know how you can sleep at night.”

  I sighed.

  “Or she could be living on the next street. Or in Tokyo. Or Los Angeles. Or Buxton. But one thing's for sure, if she is alive, which she probably is, she knows where you live. She knows the address. She knows the phone number. She never called.” They were silent. I tapped my fingers on the table. “But all this doesn’t really answer the query of why you ignored me like a bad smell, does it? All those things you said in the car and now you’re just acting like it never happened. Like you never said them to me. Is this how it’s always going to be?”

  She sucked on her cigarette and her tight features shaped into a smirk. Dad rummaged around on the floor and managed to collect all the scattered strips and the broken jar and the pennies.

  “I'll fix this and get it all back to you, Clementine. Just like new.”

  Jenni came back in with the children and gave me an ‘if you’re sure?’ look. I nodded and took their hands. I led them to Mum and looked her full in the eye for once.

  “I’ll just get dressed, then we’ll all take you to the park.”

  Mum smiled at them.

  “Yes. Aunty Clem will take you to the park. Always the bridesmaid and never the bride, eh, Clem?”

  Dad reddened and I slammed the door behind me.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  We eventually reached the park and located the swings. Mum had been a barrel of laughs all the way there, joking with the children. She held a hand in each hand and practically skipped along with them. From the back, she looked like Mum used to but as soon as she turned round, her tight features and dead eyes reminded me of a china doll. Dad lingered behind for a while, trying to get me on my own. At the park, Mum led the children to the see-saw and supervised and Dad took his opportunity to speak to me.

  “So, what was wrong last night? Why were you so upset? Did your Mum say something out of place?”

  “No, Dad. Not at all. It’s not all about you two. I have got my own life, you know.”

  “Yes, I know. I just wondered if you were sure about this girl being Charlotte.”

  “She’s a woman, Dad. She’s got a child and a... a... partner.”

  My eyes filled with tears but Dad continued without noticing.

  “It's just that I don’t want your mum upset more than she needs to be. You know, hope springs eternal. Hope. Springs. Eternal. And all that. If it’s not her, she’ll be devastated.”

  “Yes, Dad, but I don’t see how we can find out without going to ask her. The police aren’t willing to get involved and neither are the missing people brigade. So, we’ll have to do it.”

  “Yes. Well. I was wondering if you would do it. You know, go and have a quiet word with this girl and find out if it is Charlotte. And if she will see us. I mean, even if it is her, there are no guarantees that she will see us. Or she might have been waiting for us to find her.”

  “Dad. There are so many combinations of what could have happened that we could be here all day.”

  “Yes. How long’s a piece of string, and all that.”

  I visualised myself knocking on her door and her answering in her negligee, Tim standing behind her, his perfect body glistening in the half-light.

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea that I should go alone. Not that Mum’s about to let that happen. It’s all I could do to stop her getting out of the car last night.”

  “Hmm. Just a thought. OK. We’ll all go. Joint venture. Chicago or bust!”

  I looked at Mum happily pushing the children on the swing. Would it have been any different between us if I'd met someone and had kids? Would I have seen more of her? Would she have visited me when I invited her, had my children for sleepovers, taken them to the park? I rose and shouted to them.

  “Let’s walk!”

  Samantha and Jacob rushed towards me and threw handfuls of leaves. I pushed my feet through the mounds of copper and green and kicked the foliage into the air, catching the leaves mid-flight. At one point we were all laughing and I knew, for a brief second, what my past could have been like in a parallel universe. Too soon, it was time to leave. We had promised Jenni we would be back by eleven as Samantha had a dentist appointment. We piled into Dad’s car and watched as Mum perched on the tyre on the passenger street.

  Dad drove us through the streets to a chorus of 'If you're happy and you know it clap your hands'. This time, I sang and clapped but it was really just for show. When we arrived back at my house,my parents stayed in the car and waved as the children blew kisses to them. I took them back inside and for a moment I thought I'd gone back in time. The house had completely lost its homely feel and was once again like a show house, but now with swathes of flowers everywhere. Jenni had brought more vases and arranged the blooms all around the house. I sighed and took Samantha and Jacob through to the dining room. Jenni and Johnny sat close together, looking very much in love. They didn't move when we came in, just turned to look at us.

  “We're ready then. Tell Aunty Clem thank you for having us.”

  “Thank you for having, us Aunty Clem.”

  Jenni rose and hugged me.

  “I don't know what I would have done without you, girl. Thank you.”

  I tried to smile through my sadness.

  “I suppose there won't be any more Friday night dancing now, will there?”

  Jenni laughed loudly.

  “Course there will. I don't have to give up dancing just coz I got a man! Do I, Johnny?”

  They were both amused by my question and I realised that maybe I was projecting my own values onto them. If I had settled down with someone I loved, I wouldn't be out dancing. Jenni picked up the children’s bags and coats.

  “You'll be all right then? Don't go focussing on that list. In fact throw it away. You don't need it now. New start. Forget Tim. He's not worth it. Get someone new.”

  I nodded. She was right. Tim was old news. Yet I was already planning on finding out if he still intended to meet me that evening. He hadn't cancelled yet and had no idea I'd seen him with Caroline. I didn't exactly know what I would do if he didn't cancel. Would I still turn up? Would I cancel myself to save him the job? Or would I go and let him know that I knew about the Caroshrine and his little tête-à-tête the previous night? I smiled at the last option and decided to go into town for the afternoon. It was nearly lunchtime and there was no real point going into work, although I was starting to feel less upset as I contemplated going out with Tim again. Purely for research purposes, of course. Purely to see how long he could keep up this charade about not seeing Caroline. Then tomorrow, I would take Mum and Dad round to four Carlisle Crescent and we would confront her. Tim would inevitably find out and the tables would be turned. He would think that I'd been dating him merely to get near Charlotte, which of course was partly true. Yes! I punched the air in triumph as I watched my dignity shuffle back slowly towards me. It would fully explain why I took the photographs and the letters. I remembered the near intercourse incident; hopefully he would be too ashamed to admit to these now he was back with her, and it would never be mentioned again.

  I grabbed my bag and drove into town. I looked around the shops for a while to distract myself and then went for a coffee. I watched all the couples meet at lunchtime, kissing and touching and chatting. I was all alone. Even Jenni had found someone now and I felt like I was the only person in the world who was still unattached. I made a coffee last nearly half an hour as I watched shoppers and workers hurry up and down the high street. I was just about to leave when my mobile began to vibrate. It had barely rung before my hand darted into my bag. I pulled it out, half hoping it would be Tim cancelling, and read the screen. Number with
held.

  “Hello? Who is it?”

  My voice was over-accusing and I immediately felt bad.

  “Hello, gorgeous. Guess who?”

  I really had no idea.

  “I don't know. Have you got the right number?”

  “If this a beautiful blue-eyed blonde with a bruised hand, then I have.”

  Liam. My heart gave an unexpected flutter.

  “Oh. Right.”

  “You sound disappointed. Waiting for a call from someone else? Oh, you're not busy, are you? At work or anything? I'm sorry, I forgot to ask if it was OK to talk.”

  “No, it's fine. Just fine. I'm in town actually having a coffee. Just taking a day off work, had a lot on recently.”

  There was a pause and I wondered if I had been too negative. Then I wondered why I cared.

  “Right. Well. I guess you know why I'm ringing.”

  I remembered where my leaping to conclusions had got me with Johnny and played it safe.

  “To take a statement about the other day?”

  He laughed loudly.

  “Yep. Because I always prepare for that by sending flowers!”

  “Oh, Liam, the flowers. They were beautiful. The first bunch were gorgeous, but the ones that came this morning were spectacular.”

  “My pleasure. I sent the first lot and as soon as they had gone, I realised that I hadn't put enough thought into it. I mean, when we're old and grey telling this story to our grandchildren, we'll need to make it convincing. Now we can tell them about the beautiful autumn day when we met and the matching flowers I sent to you.”

  I was silent. I pictured Liam. His piercing blue eyes, his muscular, tanned frame, clearly very fit. His blonde curls. His slightly dimpled chin. The slight chip in his bottom tooth, only visible when he smiled. I was surprised by the detail of my memories. I giggled a little.

  “Mmm. Yes, the flowers were very lovely.”

  “So, do you want to meet to discuss them?”

  “A date?”

  “Yes. Let's go the whole hog. A date. What about tonight?”

  I thought hard. Liam didn't really tick my boxes, but what was the likelihood of Tim turning up as if nothing had happened? I momentarily contemplated meeting Liam at Romano's just in case Tim did turn up, to teach Tim a lesson, but brushed it aside.