The Waiting List (Strong Women Book 5)

by Sarah Till

  “Sorry. Busy tonight. And tomorrow I've got to see my parents. It's very important. What about Friday?”

  I remembered Jenni's promise to still come out dancing on Fridays. I didn't think she would mind missing one week, not now she had Johnny to snuggle up to.

  “Great. Shall we say eight o'clock at Romano's bar?”

  It seemed like deja vu but I agreed anyway. What harm could it do? I was under no obligation to Liam. I didn't even fancy him that much. He didn't fit the list at all really.

  “OK. But text me your number in case anything happens and I can't make it.”

  “OK. And thanks, Clementine.”

  “For what?”

  “For agreeing to go out with me. I'm honoured.”

  I giggled again and he was gone. My phone beeped a text and I saved Liam's number into my phone.

  The afternoon went by quickly and I drove home and slept for an hour. When I awoke, I immediately checked to see if Tim had rung. He hadn't, so I started to get ready. Surely he would ring soon to call off the date? Would he really go out with two women at once? Didn't this mean unticking my loyalty and fidelity boxes? Hadn't he explained that he was always completely faithful? I was confused. Maybe it wasn't even him I saw going into Caroline's house. Where was her boyfriend, the man who she dumped Tim for? I mulled it over as I straightened my hair. In no time, it was coming up for eight and I phoned a taxi.

  Outside the restaurant, I paused for a moment. Now, I didn't know what I was doing there. I didn't even know if he was inside. I steeled myself and wondered how long he could keep up the façade. Peering through the glass panel of the door, I could see him sitting at a table for two, a red rose resting in a delicate vase. I fixed my smile and went in. He stood up when he saw me.

  “Clem.”

  He leaned forward to kiss my cheek and I recoiled. He shrugged his shoulders and sat. The waiter took my jacket and I joined Tim at the table.

  “Tim. What have you been up to then?”

  My chin jutted involuntarily and I stared at him hard.

  “Oh, this and that. You know. Did some shopping with Mum. Did a bit of washing last night.”

  His eyes stared off into the distance and I knew he was thinking about Caroline.

  “I spent the night with my Mum. Then Jenni, who's been staying with me, told me she was going to live with Johnny, my colleague at work. They've only known each other a week or so.”

  He casually buttered his roll.

  “Really?”

  “Yes. Just. A. Week. In fact, around the same time I've known you.”

  Although, right at this moment, it seemed like a fucking year. He was concentrating closely on his roll, buttering the edges.

  “A week you say? That’s a bit soon.”

  “Well, I expect they’ve talked seriously about things. About things like truth and trust. And the past.”

  He put his knife down slowly and bit into the roll.

  “Yes, trust is very important in a relationship.” I seethed as he chewed and talked at the same time. “When me and Caroline were first seeing each other we didn’t talk a lot. No. We were too busy for talking. But we should have. Because she was still married. She’s always been a bit of a liar. Never told me she was actually still married. But one day, while we were in bed, Amy brought up the divorce papers. So, she got rid of him soon after she met me. But she should have told me.”

  “Really? Married, you say? Who to?”

  I might as well get as much info as I can while I can.

  “Sam Holloway. Amy's Dad. I thought I mentioned that before. Anyway, it turned out that he had been seeing her friend, Sue Lees, and they ended up living together. He transferred the mortgage to her so Amy would have somewhere secure.”

  “So, who's her new bloke then?”

  He stopped chewing abruptly and went a vivid shade of red.

  “Mike. From work. She was seeing him for months before I found out.”

  “Was? Isn't she seeing him now?”

  He looked at me. It was a look of recognition, a look of new knowledge. I took a bite of my roll and continued to stare at him, waiting for my answer.

  “I don't know. How would I?”

  It was at this point it all turned into a game. I'd like to describe it as chess, but I seriously doubted that Tim would be bright enough to play chess. More like draughts. He knew that I knew and I knew that he knew.

  “I don’t know, Tim. Haven't you seen Caroline lately then?”

  “No. No, I haven't.”

  “Oh. Only you mentioned you might take her things back to her house?”

  “Oh, now you mention it, I did pop round last night. To give her some stuff back.”

  “Right. So you saw her last night?”

  “Yes, but nothing happened.”

  “I never suggested it did, Tim. I never said it did. So, what time did you get home?”

  He clearly knew that I'd seen him at Caroline's the previous night but he didn't know I left soon after he arrived. I lifted my mobile phone out of my bag, slowly in order to savour the moment, and flashed up the photograph I had taken outside Caroline’s house the previous evening. Checkmate.

  “Look, Clem, I stayed the night. Amy misses me. I just needed some closure.”

  The waiter appeared.

  “Ready to order?”

  I fumed.

  “Fuck off. Just fuck off.” The waiter looked mortally offended and backed off. “Not you, him. You, Tim. You're full of shit. Telling me to take a risk, to fucking give you a bastard chance. All the time you're leering at her while I'm almost sleeping with you.” I looked round the room at the other diners. “Sorry. Sorry, everyone. But not you, Tim, you fucking freak.”

  The other diners were shaking their heads and looking disapprovingly at Tim. I grabbed my bag now.

  “But Clem, just hear me out. I was confused. I loved the time I spent with you, I loved what we had. But when you weren't there, I was thinking about Caroline. I couldn’t help it. She was my first real relationship. I was with her so long. Our relationship was wonderful, but we could have something here.”

  I stood stock-still.

  “Are you fucking joking? I saw you last night. Picking her up and carrying her in the house, kissing and laughing.”

  “Were you spying on me?”

  Gasps could now be heard and the vitriol turned on me as I bore the acid stares from the staff and customers.

  “I wasn’t spying on you. Why would I? I've only known you a fucking week or so. No. I was spying on your ex.”

  A woman shook her head and went to the toilet.

  “Spying on Caroline? You're sick, Clem, sick. Why would you do that?” He thought for a minute. “You've seen the room, haven't you? Haven't you?”

  “Yes! I've seen your fucking shrine to your ex. The Caroshrine.” I looked at my audience. “Oh, yes, telling me all the time he wants me, to take a chance, he wants to move on, forget about her, it's me and him. All the time he's got a fucking back bedroom full of her hair and nails and bloody makeup. All lined up. A TV playing Caroline back to back, twenty-four-seven, while he beds me in the other room. Hundreds of photographs. Clothes, shoes, DVDs. All lit up with little fairy lights. “

  I saw I'd gone too far. Tears trickled down his face and he wiped his nose on his sleeve.

  “I can't help it if I love her.”

  All eyes were on me again.

  “You could have said. You said you were over her.”

  He looked at me, a mournful, puppy dog look that despite my misgivings, turned me on.

  “I wanted to be. I wanted to be with you. But what will be will be and all that. I thought I was over her. But she’s like a ghost, coming back to haunt me as soon as I’m not doing something else. I could feel alive again, excited when I was thinking about you, but then she would creep back in, like an old bloody habit, sort of comfortable but not good for me. I tried and tried, Clem, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about her. All her stuff,
I put it in another room to stop me looking at it. But going in there was like a treat, just to see her again, sort of a comfort. Beautiful Caroline.” His eyes misted over again. “You don’t know how it feels, Clem. You just don’t know how it feels to be so attached to someone, so involved in your own mind that you can’t let them go.”

  I stared at him. Didn’t I? He had just explained exactly how I felt about him. And how he didn’t feel about me. I knew exactly how he felt as I watched him mentally go over his time with Caroline, the Caroshrine and its contents, his trying but failing to move on. Wasn’t it the same with my Timorial, and Liam? I recognised exactly the feelings he was having. Trying to move on but unable to give up that last part? I bit my lip to stop myself bursting into tears.

  “So, why did you come tonight? Why didn’t you cancel?”

  “Why didn't you? If you knew I'd been with Caroline last night, why did you come?”

  He was certainly gorgeous and I thought this would be the last time I saw him like this. I thought that next time I saw him, if ever, would be with someone else. I took my jacket from the approaching waiter and left, hailing a taxi immediately and crying all the way home.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  “Shit. Shit. Shit. Fucking shit.”

  I stubbed my toe as I rushed around in the near darkness, trying to find a pair of tights. The house was cold and unloved, and the silence had been so loud that I'd hardly slept at all the previous night. Even over the space of a couple of days, I have become used to the little snores and breaths of Jenni and her children. I missed them now. I missed a family breakfast time. I sat down at the dining room table and suddenly remembered that my latest attempt at obtaining family bliss myself had slunk off into the distance with a woman who was probably my sister.

  My mobile phone rang out in my bag. It was eight fifteen. Who would ring me at eight fifteen? The screen flashed ‘Mum’. I answered. It was the first time she had ever rung me on my mobile phone and I felt slightly honoured.

  “Hello?”

  “Clem. It’s me.” She was shouting.

  “OK, Mum. I can hear you. What is it?”

  “Well, I’ve been thinking. Maybe we should leave it until Saturday to go round to see Charlotte. I mean, it’s a weeknight, and a school night for.. for... Amy.”

  I thought for a second.

  “OK. So you don’t want to go tonight.”

  Sixteen fucking years of suffering and now she was putting it off.

  “No. Can we go on Saturday?”

  I thought about my date with Liam. On balance, I thought I would most likely be home by ten-thirty, so I agreed.

  “Okey-dokey. About lunchtime. Obviously we might have to wait around if she’s not in. Oh, and Amy goes to her dad’s at weekend, so it won’t affect her.”

  “You know a lot about this, Clementine. You never mentioned who told you about this, did you? Just some bloke.”

  Just some bloke. The words shot through my heart and out the other side, leaving a line of salt to rub into my wound later when I imagined him there with her.

  “Yep. Just a friend.”

  He wasn’t even that now though.

  “Right then. See you on Saturday. Bye.”

  She was gone. I pulled on my shoes and stomped out to the car. No sign of sunshine and lollipops today and everything certainly wasn’t wonderful. I spotted a penny on the pavement and kicked it, causing it to bounce across the pavement. Not wanting to tempt fate and backing my odds both ways, as Dad would say, I picked it up and put it in my pocket. My eyes stung from crying the evening before and I was tired out. I had to get through the day without thinking about Tim and Caroline. I had to get to Saturday without my hate for them growing. In between my fitful sleep, I'd thought long and hard about what it would be like to have my sister back in my life.

  As a child, I'd liked her really. She had been quiet and reserved at times, but when the occasion called for it, she always had something clever to say. Mum always said she was balanced. I was clumsy and inflexible, fixing a smile and staying silent and silly. I was sure that Charlotte loved me. She would brush my hair one hundred times each night. When she had hers cut short, I felt even more different to her. I tried to tell her but she just laughed. Of course, I knew she had a boyfriend. Why wouldn’t she? She was popular and fizzy. Boys loved her. She wasn’t choosy either, often dating two boys at the same time, a thought that outraged me. She would laugh at my disapproval and throw her head back.

  That was then. Now I was scared. Until last night, I'd hidden behind my relationship with Tim, pushing the reality of Charlotte’s return to the back of my mind. This was mainly because I didn’t want to imagine any scenario where Tim was involved, any family event where there could be a potential misunderstanding. Now I had to face it. They were back together and I was sitting on the sidelines. I was the current attraction right now, while I held the golden ticket, the information, the key to her return. But what would it be like in the future? My one visit and one phone call from Mum would remain at that count and I would be hustled back into my world of tampons by day and blank walls at night. Now I didn’t even have Jenni to talk to.

  In the car now, I bit my lip. I knew I had a morbid curiosity, a desire to go to see her again. Maybe they would be together. I needed to get used to seeing them way, way before Mum, Dad and I confronted them on Charlotte’s doorstep. I reminded myself that Tim knew nothing about her and me, that it would all click into place when Charlotte saw us and we were all reunited.

  I drove to work and mulled over my plans for the evening. Curry and early night or a spying mission at Carlisle Crescent? Soaps and a cup of tea or a scramble through Caroline’s bushes to look through her window? I was at work before I could think about night vision and Johnny was already at his desk. I waved and smiled, eager not to let anyone know the searing pain in my heart. It was a good plan until I spotted Clare sidling up to my desk. She perched her bottom on the edge and folded her arms.

  “Well? How's lover boy? Has he met your parents yet?”

  I carried on tapping on the keyboard rhythmically.

  “Not seeing him anymore. We've decided it wouldn’t work out.”

  She stared hard at me.

  “Who finished it? Was it him or was it you?”

  I stopped typing and looked at her.

  “Does it matter?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well it was me. I finished with him.”

  Clare laughed loudly.

  “Bloody hell, Clem, what did he do? He needed bringing down a peg or two, from what I heard. I hope you gave it to him hard and fast.”

  The image of nearly sleeping with him shocked me. I frowned and stared at Clare.

  “Actually, it was only last night and I'm a bit raw. Could we talk about it later? Or tomorrow.”

  She studied me.

  “So, if you ended it, why are you so upset?”

  “I said leave it. Leave it, Clare.”

  “But it doesn't make sense. If he had dumped you, well, then I could understand the red-rimmed eyes and the pale complexion. Are you sure you're OK?”

  I started to type again.

  “I dumped him. That's all there is to it. Now, if you don’t mind, Clare, I'm busy.”

  “But why did you dump him? That's what I want to know. One minute you’re on pins, wondering when he will call, next minute he's gone.”

  “Just didn't fancy him. You know, when you get to know them a bit, you find out they have annoying little habits.” Like still loving their ex-girlfriend.

  “Oh, I know only too well. It wasn't till we were married I found out about his dirty little habit. If he’d told me before, well, we’d never have got to the bloody altar.”

  “Not that kind of habit. He's just, well, just not very attentive. I deserve better than him.” The image of him on top of me, his fingers on my nipples played on my mind, the way I felt that it was just perfection. I did deserve better. Anyway. I've got another date tomorro
w night. A fireman. When one door closes, another door opens.” As Dad would say.

  “Oh, my god! A fireman. I love a man in uniform.”

  I thought she was going to orgasm right there on the desk as she moaned with joy.

  “I've only met him once, but he sent me the most wonderful bunch of flowers. Hand-tied.”

  “Really? Well he sounds more exciting than that bastard Tim Rosklyde. Never liked him anyway. You go, girl!”

  She hopped off my desk and sauntered towards the lift. It really was the end for me and Tim now and I knew it. I felt bruised and battered and I knew I needed closure. Taking the lists out of my bag, I knew it was time to transfer Tim’s neatly typed, newly altered list to the redundant pile. I'd even changed some of the boxes to suit him. I chewed on my pencil as I studied the new criteria. It did seem less oppressive; there were no bans on children and ex partners. I congratulated myself a little for being realistic. I'd finally come to terms with the baggage problem and honed what I wanted to a fine point. On the downside, it didn’t appear to be Liam. I considered ringing him with some poor excuse and cancelling our date. On the other hand, I was desperately trying to forget about Tim and fill in time until Mum and Dad went to confront Charlotte. I tucked Tim's sheet back inside its own plastic folder, separate from the rest. I would file it away when I got home, when I had more time. When I felt like it. I didn’t really know when that would be.

  The day went by quickly and Johnny barely lifted his head from his work. We were working on a new campaign for mini tampons and Arthur was due to work on a shoot. The thought of seeing him again, facing all the questions, both thrilled and scared me. It would be hard to explain - although I had an idea that he already knew a lot about Caroline – yet I would be able to find out how Tim was. So, Johnny and I worked on the campaign, exchanging short-range emails about work, his adorned with little smiley faces and mine just plain miserable. Soon, it was time to leave.

  For the first time in what seemed like an age, I left work with no plans. The only things I had to do were to drive home and be in my house. I remembered, somewhere in the not so distant past, that I'd valued this time. A calmness where I could look at my lists and wonder where I went wrong. Where I could daydream about my ideal man, who turned out to be Tim and unavailable. Who would I imagine now? What would he be like? I panicked as I wondered it would be Tim forever who appeared in my daydreams. Would he, previously the stranger I'd not yet met, enter all my dreams as the all too familiar one that got away? Would I ever find anyone like him again?