Happy Now?

by S M Mala

  ‘She’s a yoga teacher.’

  ‘Obviously,’ she replied, rolling her eyes. ‘Why am I not surprised?’

  ‘Mrs Carter?’

  … Flora said, seeing Ed’s mother walk into the art room. ‘How are you?’

  ‘Flora!’ she said, giving her a warm embrace. ‘You haven’t changed!’

  Noreen was the one who looked very much the same, even down to the colour of her brown hair and very trim figure. Not too many lines and she was carrying a little bit more weight around the middle, as older women usually do, but not much. Her skin was still very smooth and shiny. The eyes were identical to Ed’s with an added sparkle and she had a youthful glow. Mrs Carter was indeed an ageing beauty.

  ‘Have you come to see someone?’ asked Flora, stepping back and looking around.

  ‘I’ve come to join the class,’ she said cheerfully. ‘I was told that it’s a good place to find out more.’

  ‘More about what?’

  Suddenly Noreen looked at her as if she was being silly.

  ‘I might have breast cancer. They’ve not confirmed it. They’re going to do a biopsy in a week and I couldn’t just sit there. I’ve read leaflets and information until it’s coming out of my ears but no-one says what it’s like to go through. I thought by coming here, I could find out, get some support. I’ve got a meeting with a counsellor.’

  Taking a deep breath, Flora knew what she had to say next.

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that. Don’t go making a rash assessment without confirmation. When they do the biopsy, you’ll find out soon enough. The survival rate is very high and you’ll get the best treatment. At this centre, we support people dealing with various cancer as well as their families. Sometimes the scariest bit is getting your head around it.’ Flora checked her voice. She’d gone onto her auto pilot speech. ‘I’m here most days to take art classes. I also help with people getting back into work, either sufferers or people who have been carers for their loved ones.’

  ‘I was sorry to hear about your mother,’ Noreen said, taking Flora’s hand. ‘A stroke at such a young age.’

  ‘I know,’ Flora said, nodding a little. ‘I think it was stress, you know.’

  ‘About what?’ asked Noreen. Flora didn’t want to say because of her own illness, it made her mother worry more. ‘I did see Faith a few times but I had no idea you moved back. I thought you were high flying it in town.’

  ‘Me? High flying? Don’t think so.’ She squirmed for a moment, knowing what she had to ask next. ‘Have you spoken to your family about it?’ Noreen started to smile. ‘Yes?’

  ‘I’ve told them. The reaction wasn’t good but they’re worried. I don’t want them to get upset. I’ll get through this,’ she said defiantly.

  Flora knew that speech. That forward positive thinking one.

  She also knew how quickly it fades when you’re on your own and faced with the possibility that you won’t get well.

  The fear of dying and leaving the ones you love.

  But, in her case, the reality of surviving and watching your loved one piss off out the door.

  Flora realised Noreen was looking quizzically at her.

  ‘Why do you work here?’ the older woman asked looking around. ‘I thought you were into your art?’

  ‘I had cancer a few years back and wanted to help people. If only for a few hours a day, I think it’s good. The quality of art is shocking but the banter is fun.’

  Noreen’s face crumpled in pain when she looked at her again. Flora closed her eyes, knowing how the reaction usually was.

  ‘I survived, Mrs Carter. I did okay,’ she whispered.

  ‘But you’re a child.’

  ‘I’m forty four,’ laughed Flora.

  ‘And are you sure you’re alright now?’

  ‘Physically, I’m great. Mentally, not quite sure but then I never have been.’

  The happiness was wiped off Noreen’s face as her shoulders slumped.

  Again, Flora knew this expression.

  ‘There’s nothing wrong in being scared,’ she whispered to Noreen. ‘I was really terrified but pretended I wasn’t. My children-.’

  ‘You have children?’

  ‘Yes, two. A girl and a boy. Lola is twelve going on thirty and Max is eight going on three.’

  ‘How long ago were you diagnosed?’

  ‘Just over four years ago, a few weeks before for my fortieth birthday. That was a present and a half,’ she said, forcing a bright smile. All she noticed was Noreen staring at her. ‘Not the best start to a decade.’

  ‘And your husband? Partner? How were they?’

  ‘Erm…’ was all she could say. ‘I’m waiting for a divorce. We’re legally separated and guess what? He knows Ed.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah, they work on projects and I bumped into Ed a few weeks ago. He’s working at my house, putting in the carpentry. It looks great! You should come and see it. He was always creative with his hands.’

  ‘That’s what got him into trouble,’ Noreen replied under her breath. ‘And you say he’s working at your house?’

  ‘I’ve not seen him for weeks but that’s what I’ve been told. My ex is an interior designer and they’re working together to renovate some of the rooms.’

  Noreen was just staring at Flora, looking confused.

  ‘Is something wrong?’ she asked the older woman, whose brow was a little creased. ‘You look startled.’

  ‘He’s not done any carpentry work since a few years back,’ Noreen replied before looking around the room. ‘What do I need to know before I start the class?’

  ‘A lot of the creativity is in the conversation, not the work.’

  Half an hour later, after settling Noreen in, the class was in full swing. There were fifteen people attending today and Flora told them to do a still life, putting together an array of fruit.

  ‘You’re not very imaginative,’ Paulette moaned, tapping her head. ‘Why can’t we do naked men?’

  ‘I’d love to do a naked man,’ laughed Noreen, who seemed to be enjoying the banter.

  ‘She needs a man,’ Paulette said, pulling a face at Flora, who was joining in with the sketching.

  ‘Leave me out of it,’ Flora replied. ‘I’m happy as I am.’ While she drew, there was silence in the class. She looked to the side and could see Paulette was gossiping to Noreen and a few others. ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Nothing,’ Paulette replied before letting out a hearty laugh. ‘It’s just you’re young.’

  ‘I’m happy on my own and that’s what I want,’ Flora said, hiding behind her easel. ‘I’m not made for relationships.’

  ‘That’s exactly what Ed says but he’s had a fair few so that’s no surprise.’

  It was involuntary, the lurch in her gut on hearing his name. Then she felt upset knowing she was one of the females he had cast aside. He was probably into the hundreds.

  ‘Flora and Ed used to go to school together,’ continued Noreen. Flora closed her eyes for a second. ‘They weren’t friends as she was in the year above. Isn’t that so?’

  ‘Yep,’ she replied, sharpening her pencil.

  ‘Tell us about your son. Is he handsome?’ asked Paulette.

  ‘He’s very handsome and incredibly successful but he’s had a few hard knocks, mostly to his head when it comes to women.’ Noreen laughed. ‘But he gave me beautiful grandchildren.’

  ‘He’s got kids?’ Flora blurted out, looking out from behind her easel.

  ‘He had two children, twins.’

  ‘Figured,’ mumbled Flora, going back to her drawing.

  ‘But Edward junior died a few years ago,’ she said quietly, making Flora sit perfectly still. ‘And Ed’s not really got over it. My illness is only going to…’

  Then Noreen started to cry.

  ‘Oh no! None of that teary stuff here!’ said Paulette while Flora jumped to her feet and ran forward with the tissues. ‘Can’t be maudlin when some of us are goi
ng to kick the bucket sooner than later.’

  ‘Oh god,’ groaned Flora, seeing Noreen cry harder. ‘You really should have gone into counselling, do you know that?’

  ‘I have the magic touch as well as psychic capabilities,’ she grinned. Paulette then grabbed Noreen, putting her arms around her. ‘Now, let it all out. Tell me what the problem is.’

  ‘I don’t want to die.’

  ‘You’ll find none of us do.’

  ‘And I’m scared.’

  ‘Goes with the territory.’

  ‘And they’re going to remove my breast!’

  ‘I’ve had both done and look at me,’ sighed Paulette, pushing out her amble bosom. ‘I’m a fit bird.’

  Noreen started to laugh and Flora noticed she was looking at her.

  ‘And this one over here,’ said Paulette grabbing Flora’s arm and pulling her closer. ‘She had both removed and, frankly, she should have asked for a bigger size. You know, the downside is the cancer and pain and all that. The good side is your boobs don’t sag.’

  ‘Mine still do,’ said Eileen, an elderly lady from the other side of the room.

  ‘Sweetheart, your cancer was in your bottom, not your breast,’ replied Paulette, turning to Noreen before whispering. ‘And partly in her brain but they haven’t diagnosed that yet.’

  ‘I’m worried about him,’ Noreen started to laugh and wiped her tears away. ‘He’s not going to cope.’

  ‘Mr Carter will be fine,’ Flora said, sitting down next to her, taking her hand.

  ‘Not Ernie. He’s my rock but Ed... after his son died he’s not been able to deal with things. It was pretty hard on him a few years back.’

  ‘When they’re so young, it’s very traumatic,’ said Flora sympathetically, feeling for Ed.

  ‘He was nineteen when he passed away. He would have been twenty-five this year.’

  Flora thought she was going to be sick then noticed Paulette staring hard at her.

  ‘A wooden box,’ the large women mumbled, making Flora dart her a look.

  ‘You think I’m going to die?’ sobbed Noreen.

  ‘You’ll be fine,’ she said, squeezing her arm and glaring at Flora. ‘What’s a wooden box got to do with you?’

  ‘You think I’m going to die?’ Flora said, knowing what she was talking about.

  ‘He gave you a box and with it his heart.’

  Avoiding eye contact, she looked for the tissue box and handed it to Noreen.

  ‘I saw that in the film ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’,’ Eileen said loudly. ‘I do fancy Johnny Depp. He was gorgeous when he was younger.’

  ‘Flora?’ Paulette said, then glanced at Noreen before grinning brightly. ‘Noreen what does your Ed do for a living.’

  Flora was about to say something but was beaten to it.

  ‘He’s a carpenter,’ Noreen said, wiping her tears away.

  ‘His heart was in the box,’ Paulette whispered. ‘And it still is.’

  ‘It was empty.’

  ‘You know what box I’m talking about?’

  ‘It was just a piece of wood,’ she quietly replied. ‘Very much like his heart.’

  ‘We have to keep strong for your mum,’

  … Ernie Carter said. ‘She’s having the exploration operation next week, so it’s best we focus on getting her better.’

  Ed was sitting in his dad’s office at the timber yard. He didn’t want to think about it.

  All he wanted to do was run away and hide.

  ‘Son, she’s worried about you,’ he said gently. ‘We know after what happened this is a horrible thing for you to go through again.’

  ‘Yeah, but it’s not me that’s going through it, it’s mum,’ he replied, looking out onto the canal. ‘I don’t understand why she seems so happy.’

  ‘All a front.’

  He glanced at his father’s stony expression and realised he didn’t even know what to say to him. There were no words of comfort.

  ‘Mum needn’t worry about me. She has to look after herself.’

  ‘You nearly had a breakdown after Eddie died,’ his father said gently, the comment grabbing at Ed’s throat. ‘It was too much for you to deal with.’

  Immediately, getting to his feet, he didn’t want to talk about it.

  ‘I have to go,’ Ed replied, ignoring his father’s words and heading off out.

  Then he realised he’d forgotten his phone.

  He’d left it at Flora’s house.

  ‘Shit,’ he mumbled, not wanting to talk to anyone.

  He drove around before parking by the river and getting out.

  The sun was shining and people were laughing. All was good.

  But not for Ed.

  He knew his reaction to his mother’s news was hard for him.

  And once again he thought about Eddie and how he reacted then. Knowing what was left of his son, his only son, as he lay in bed waiting to see his father.

  All Ed could do was run away at first, unable to face up to the fact Eddie was dying and all that was left of him was one arm. The rest of his limbs obliterated by a land mine.

  The only thing that was asked of Ed was to say ‘goodbye’.

  It was the hardest thing he ever did and it still haunted him to this day.

  ‘I’m coming!’

  … Flora said, running down the stairs late Friday afternoon hearing the doorbell ring.

  She’d just started her fortnightly washing of the kid’s bed linen. Hot and sweaty, she walked down the corridor with a bundle of linen under each arm.

  Opening the door, she was shocked to see Ed standing there, no hint of a smile.

  ‘I think I left my phone,’ he said, glancing down at the ground.

  ‘Oh, sure,’ she said, holding the door open. ‘Go and get it.’

  He made no eye contact while he walked towards the kitchen and rummaged around. Then he returned with the phone in his hand.

  ‘Thanks,’ he said.

  ‘Do you want a drink?’ Flora heard herself say, knowing it was the first time they’d been alone. ‘I can make tea and-.’

  ‘I’m meeting someone,’ Ed replied, still not looking at her.

  ‘I saw your mum today. She seems well.’

  ‘Really?’ he replied, frowning.

  ‘Yes. She came to an art class.’

  Flora wasn’t quite sure what he was thinking but it wasn’t the usual dazzling Ed. This seemed an angrier version. It was new to her.

  ‘You do some art class?’ Ed grimaced. ‘That’s because you had cancer?’

  ‘I enjoy it,’ she replied, seeing he didn’t look too impressed and wanting to avoid her past illness. ‘It’s good to take your mind off things. And I know where you get your creativity from. Noreen’s ever so good at painting.’ Ed just looked at her blankly. Flora felt a little foolish. ‘Well, mustn’t keep you.’

  ‘What cancer did you have?’ he asked. It wasn’t with compassion or malice. ‘You survived.’

  ‘I had breast cancer.’

  Immediately he looked at her chest which she folded her arms across. It was hard considering she was laden with dirty linen.

  ‘I see,’ he said, looking sickened which made Flora feel uncomfortable.

  They stood there for a moment, not making eye contact.

  ‘You know, if you ever need to talk to someone about it, I’d be only too willing to help. I don’t mind. I try and-.’

  ‘Look Flora,’ he said, this time in a gentler tone. ‘It’s very personal and I don’t want to talk to anyone outside the immediate family. I appreciate your kind thoughts.’

  ‘Okay,’ she said, forcing a smile. ‘It’s pretty hard for people to understand.’

  ‘Cancer is cancer. You either live or die. I get it.’

  The comment hit hard.

  It was the truth.

  ‘Have a nice evening,’ she whispered, closing the door as he walked out.

  Flora stood in her corridor and that horrible fear she’d gone through cam
e back.

  You either live or die except she lived and something had died inside her.

  She didn’t know what.

  Then she realised Ed Carter never gave her a second look.

  He came to her house and avoided eye contact. Then when he did, there was an expression she recalled.

  Scrunching up her face, she tried not even to think about getting upset, doing her deep breathing exercises to stop the pain and tears.

  It was how Matias looked at her and it hurt.

  Even her first love couldn’t stand the sight of her.

  She self-consciously folded her arms across her chest.

  Ed always loved breasts and he seemed disgusted.

  Flora ran to the toilet and threw up.

  ‘I don’t know if I can do it,’

  … Noreen said, the Sunday before her operation. ‘They’re going to cut my breast off! What if it’s spread? Then it’s a waste of time.’

  His mother was having a melt down and all the family could do was watch in pain.

  ‘Mum, I know you’re scared but it’ll be okay. This is just a minor operation so they can see what’s wrong. You spent the whole week at the centre and they reassured you, so you said,’ Siobhan whispered, glancing at Ed.

  He looked at his father who was visibly shaken.

  They were in the living room and Noreen hadn’t even got round to making lunch. She just looked scared and fragile.

  ‘You see, they show you all the pictures of how it will be. And some of it is awful. They take away the thing that makes you a woman. We’re cursed by getting cancer,’ his mother sobbed into her lap. ‘And I don’t want to die, I don’t want to leave you.’

  ‘Mum,’ Siobhan said, sitting next to her, she too was now visibly upset. ‘It’s only flesh, it’ll be fine. Wait and see what they say.’

  ‘Why me?’ she sobbed, looking up at Ed.

  He didn’t know what to do.

  ‘You’re going to have to pull yourself together, love,’ his father said, bending down to look at Noreen. ‘Once they do the operation, you’re halfway there.’

  ‘I’m not going through with it,’ she said, sitting bolt upright. ‘I’ll take whatever comes my way.’