Happy Now?

by S M Mala

  ‘So you want to die?’ Ed said quietly. ‘And how would that effect Amelia and Simon? They’d be heartbroken. My daughter has been through enough and to lose you would simply break her heart.’

  ‘You have a way with words, don’t you?’ Siobhan said, shaking her head in dismay.

  ‘I don’t want to upset my little Amelia!’ Noreen said, getting more frantic. ‘But I don’t want to be like this. Feeling so scared. I hate it, I really do!’

  ‘What about talking to someone from the centre?’ Ernie asked, looking at Siobhan. ‘Is there anyone who you can speak to?’

  ‘Flora!’ Noreen said, jumping up. ‘Get Flora, Ed.’

  ‘I don’t-.’

  ‘She said you’re working at her house,’ his mother replied. ‘You must have her number.’

  ‘You can’t call her out on a Sunday!’

  ‘Why not? She said she’d be on hand to talk. You know what? I have her number. I’ll call her now,’ said Noreen, marching out of the room.

  ‘Why Flora?’ Siobhan asked and Ed noticed his sister glance at him. ‘Are we talking about Flora Almeida? Shirley’s daughter.’

  ‘Didn’t I tell you?’ Noreen replied, returning with her handbag and checking her phone. ‘She works at the centre. Takes some art classes, helps people get back into work. I don’t know how she stays happy. It’s quite hard seeing the state of the people. I was shocked on the first day but you get over it. I’m sure I have her…’ His mother broke down in tears, unable to operate the phone. ‘I need to speak to her.’

  Ed walked up to his mother, taking it out of her hand before putting a comforting arm around her shoulders.

  ‘I’ll call her,’ he said and placed his mother to sit in the armchair. ‘I think I’ll order us a takeaway for lunch, is that okay?’ Noreen nodded. ‘An Indian?’ She agreed. ‘Siobhan and dad, will you sort it out? I’ll call Flora.’

  Stepping out into the garden, he found her name and pressed the button.

  There was a little spasm of nervousness about speaking to her again since Friday.

  He knew he hadn’t been in a good mood.

  Ed felt guilty about his fear of looking at his son’s dismembered body, even ignoring the fact his child was dying. The moment of panic that seized him on walking into the room had never left him. Only his mother and father knew what really happened. The rest of his family were oblivious that he wanted to run away and hide, to avoid facing his son.

  ‘Hello Noreen,’ Flora said cheerfully. Ed smiled as he remembered that’s how she was when she was younger. ‘Is everything alright? I’m cremating some burgers at the moment so I think I might have a second career lined up.’

  ‘Flora, its Ed,’ he said before swallowing hard.

  ‘Hello Ed.’ Her tone was now colder. ‘Is Noreen alright?’

  ‘She’s having a bit of a meltdown. The appointment is tomorrow and she doesn’t want to go in, saying she’d rather not go through with it. I think she’s really scared and, I know this is short notice, but could you come over to talk to her?’

  There was silence on the other end and he heard a door close.

  ‘Of course I will but it’s just the kids and me. I need to see if Faith could mind them for an hour but I’m not sure-.’

  ‘I’ll look after them,’ he said, getting very nervous. ‘I don’t expect you to drop everything. Tell me what time to come over.’

  ‘If you get here for three then I can pop over and talk to your mum.’ Flora let out a deep sigh.

  ‘I really appreciate it.’

  After having lunch and seeing his mother was anaesthetising herself with a bottle of chardonnay, he left to walk towards Flora’s house.

  It had been years since he did it on foot, knowing after she’d left for college, he used to secretly visit her home. He stopped when he saw the ‘For Sale’ sign in November. That was when he found out that Flora’s mum had sold the place and they weren’t going to return. Shirley had moved to Liverpool, Faith went to Milton Keynes and Flora was in Brighton.

  Ed had hoped to see Flora again at Christmas, to explain what had happened.

  He never got a chance.

  The twins were born prematurely on 27th November and it was touch and go if they would survive, especially Eddie who was much smaller. His children had taken over his life.

  And he loved it.

  But he never forgot about Flora, always passing the house in the hope she might turn up one day. An accidental meeting so they could speak again.

  It didn’t happen.

  Until now.

  Walking towards her front door, it was flung open and he stood there in shock.

  ‘Hello Ed,’ the girl said.

  ‘Hello,’ he replied.

  She was the spitting image of Flora when she was little and Ed couldn’t speak. The only difference was that she had lighter skin and hair.

  Everything else was identical.

  ‘You’re coming to look after us for an hour. I’m here to warn you about my brother. He will say he’s allowed to do this and that, but he’s not. He’s a trickster! I thought I’d let you know.’

  ‘What’s she saying?’ he heard a voice shout out. ‘What did she tell that man?’

  ‘Probably the truth,’ Flora said, walking to the door. ‘Come in.’

  She was wearing a long grey dress with a grey shawl wrapped over her shoulders. Ed thought Flora looked very pretty, much more elegant than he ever remembered.

  ‘This is Lola and Max,’ she said, not looking up at him. ‘This is Ed Carter. He’s a friend of your dad’s and his company are sorting out the carpentry in this place. Make him feel at home and be nice. I won’t be long.’

  Then he spotted Max walking up to him. He had Flora’s cheeky smile but resembled his handsome father.

  ‘I’m Max. I like to play PlayStation and I’ll challenge you to a game, if you like,’ he said, looking at his mother sheepishly. ‘I can play, can’t I?’

  ‘Yes, yes,’ Flora replied, kissing the kids quickly and walking past Ed, down the garden path. ‘See you in an hour.’

  He wasn’t quite sure what he was feeling but he got the instinct impression Flora didn’t want to speak.

  And that bugged him.

  Ed turned and watched her hurriedly walk away in the direction of his parent’s house.

  ‘Come on!’ said Max, running into the living room. ‘She’ll be back soon then I won’t be able to play.’

  It was the first time he’d been in the house with the children and he smiled. Lola walked towards the dining table and was watching something on the laptop, her earphones firmly on. He examined the work that had to be done and realised they were living in chaos but Flora had covered quite a lot of things with sheets to neaten it all up.

  The doors were open to the garden which did resemble a work site.

  Ed looked around the place and realised they were about the same age as when he left his own children. And he didn’t move far, only a few roads away.

  The reason he went was because Diane wasn’t happy and neither was he, knowing he couldn’t love her. It wasn’t the relationship he’d ever expected to be in, forcing himself to be happy when he wasn’t.

  ‘So you know my dad,’ Max said proudly, handing Ed some controls. ‘His girlfriend’s twelve, you know.’

  ‘I see,’ Ed replied, knowing where this would have come from. ‘You know she’s not.’

  ‘Well, mum says she might as well be if she likes him,’ shrugged Max, logging them into the game. ‘Ramona’s okay but she’s a bit silly. Like her.’ He flashed his sister a look. ‘She likes boys and it’s making her sort of crazy.’

  ‘You meet people at school and you like them,’ he replied, sitting on the sofa. ‘Are you happy living here?’

  ‘I’m getting a shed,’ the boy said proudly. ‘My dad is going to get one built for me. I’ll have a DVD player and all sorts so I can get away from it all. He calls it a man pad.’

  ‘No you’re not!’ Lol
a said.

  Ed looked at the pretty girl scowling at her brother.

  ‘Who asked you?’

  ‘Mum said that we’re going to all do the garden together and the shed will be for tools. You’re too young to have a man pad, more like cry baby boy play pen.’

  ‘You wait!’ shouted out Max, frowning at his sister. ‘I’m going to tell mum.’

  ‘Tell her what you like. You know if it’s got anything to do with dad and one of his ideas, she’ll say no.’ Lola fixed her eyes on Ed. ‘I suppose you go out with younger women too?’

  He couldn’t help it but Ed went red.

  ‘Better than going out with someone like you,’ laughed Max. ‘Oh look! I’ve smashed it!’

  ‘I like every one of all ages,’ Ed replied then he had to ask. ‘Is your mum seeing anyone now?’

  Both the kids stopped what they were doing and looked at him, as if he were saying something really very stupid.

  ‘She says she won’t see anyone again. Says she’d rather be with us until we up and leave,’ shrugged Max, letting out a sigh. ‘You see they grew back but she doesn’t want to know.’

  ‘Oh please?’ groaned Lola getting up and walking towards them. ‘Have you known mum long?’

  ‘I used to go to school with her,’ replied Ed, trying not to smile. ‘She really looked a lot like you.’

  ‘That means she’ll get cancer of her pancakes!’ laughed Max, who then got thumped by his sister. ‘I was only joking!’

  ‘That’s not a very nice thing to say,’ said Ed, looking at Max. ‘My mum might be ill. That’s why Flora’s gone to talk to her.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ she replied. ‘I’m sure everything will be okay.’

  ‘They’ll grow back,’ sighed Max. ‘Maybe even bigger.’

  ‘You’re just like dad,’ Lola said, folding her arms across her chest, shaking her head in dismay. ‘Always saying the wrong thing.’ She sat down next to Ed. ‘Mum says she didn’t have any boyfriends at school, is that true?’

  ‘To the best of my knowledge,’ replied Ed, smiling. ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’

  ‘If she does, mum will kill her!’ Max said loudly, walking up to the television. ‘She wants Lola to concentrate on her studies, not getting her heart broken or let down.’

  Again he was surprised with the comment and carried on playing with Max before turning to speak to Lola.

  ‘What does he mean about they grew back?’ he asked, seeing Max was very good at racing games. It reminded him of playing with Eddie when he was little. ‘Is he talking about her chest?’

  ‘Mum had an operation and they had to remove quite a lot but within a few weeks they put them back in again,’ whispered Lola, frowning. ‘I don’t know if I should be telling you this. That’s why dad left her. He didn’t like her without them.’

  Ed tried not to look shocked at the child’s comment and shook his head.

  ‘You mean your dad and mum split after she got sick?’ he pried, not hearing it from Matias.

  Lola pulled a face and looked away, trying to flash a warning glance at the back of Max’s head.

  ‘That’s why my dim brother thinks they can get back together, because she had an operation. But mum was very sad afterwards and said she’d rather cut off her own bottom and eat it than be with my dad again. She didn’t say that, she said…’ Lola looked around. ‘Arsehole.’

  ‘And she told you this?’

  ‘Oh no! She told Auntie Faith, Auntie Gaynor, Auntie Priti and Auntie Lisa. I heard her when they came round for dinner. You won’t tell her I said, will you? She doesn’t like people to know things.’

  Ed now remembered her friends from all those years ago and wanted to laugh at hearing their names again.

  ‘There seems a lot I don’t know about your mum.’

  ‘Now Noreen,’

  … Flora said … Flora said within seconds of walking into the house. ‘What’s that lovely smell?’

  ‘We had a curry. Would you like some?’ Ernie said, shaking Flora’s hand.

  ‘I’ve eaten, thanks. It’s lovely to you again, Mr Carter.’

  ‘Call me Ernie. And my, you look very well.’

  ‘Stop flirting dad,’ Siobhan said.

  Flora hadn’t seen her for years and she hadn’t changed at all. She still had the same dark brown hair and beautiful porcelain skin like her mother. The warm embrace took her by surprise.

  ‘Hello,’ Flora said brightly. ‘It’s been a long time.’

  ‘I know,’ she replied and, for a moment, Flora sensed Siobhan looking longingly at her. ‘Maybe too long.’

  ‘Where’s your mum?’

  ‘In the bedroom. I’ll take you to her.’

  Flora followed her up. The house was as large as it looked like from the outside. The Carter’s weren’t short for cash and it showed. Even now, the house was beautifully decorated and in impeccable condition.

  ‘She’s scared,’ whispered Siobhan, grabbing Flora’s arm. ‘I know it’s only a biopsy but she’s making herself sick with worry. Do you mind talking to her? I don’t know what to say, none of us do.’

  ‘I’ll try. This is the worse bit, you see, not knowing.’

  Knocking on the door, Flora let herself in and saw Noreen sitting on the bed, looking out of the window.

  ‘Hello,’ Flora said, seeing Noreen turn and burst into tears.

  Slowly Flora put her bag down and sat next to her, putting an arm around her shoulders.

  ‘I know you’re scared and it feels like the worst thing you can face. It is. But now, with breast cancer breakthrough, things are changing and women are surviving. Noreen, you don’t know what you’ve got and there are many things worse than this sort of cancer.’ The woman turned and looked at Flora, her face awash with pain. ‘I know you don’t think so but you will be fine. If it they thought it was bad, you’d be rushed through. I should know.’

  ‘Tell me, Flora. What’s it like?’

  The pain was always so fresh. There was nothing in comparison other than the fear of dying and leaving her children.

  ‘I was in the bath and Max had just turned four. I don’t know what happened but I was soaping my breast and I felt a lump. Then I started feeling a little bit more, then both breasts and there were tiny hard things in there. I panicked.’ Flora looked around the bedroom, seeing the pictures of her family. ‘But I didn’t tell anyone.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I thought it might go away,’ she said, knowing she had hoped it would. ‘I went to the doctors, got checked out, was referred to a hospital, tests were done, lumps of my breast taken and then I found out. I had some benign tumours and an actual one, very tiny. I had no choice. I had to have a subcutaneous mastectomy.’

  ‘Oh my god!’ Noreen said, crying harder. ‘What’s that?’

  ‘They removed the tumours and the tissues but left the nipple and areola in place. You could get reconstructive surgery done at the same time but I was advised not to, for the time being. My world fell to pieces and so did everything around me.’ Biting her lip, she closed her eyes. ‘All I could think about were the kids and making sure that this didn’t interfere with their lives but something happened and that went out the window. It was the support of the people who loved me that kept me going. That’s how I survived. Good medical care, some luck but mostly my mother and sister as well as my friends.’

  ‘What about your husband?’

  Flora pulled her arm away and forced a smile.

  ‘You see, he didn’t understand. He didn’t come with me to the appointments, wasn’t there when they broke the bad news. Always Matias was doing something. I realised he couldn’t cope but neither could I. My rock wasn’t there.’

  ‘Oh Flora!’ Noreen said, grabbing her tightly. ‘That’s horrible.’

  ‘You have a family that love you and a husband that would never let you down,’ she whispered. ‘Don’t be afraid. Even if they put a fake boob on the end of your chin, he’d still love you.’r />
  ‘I think he’d quite like it,’ she said, laughing through her tears. ‘And what treatment did you have?’

  ‘I had chemotherapy, not an extensive amount. My hair fell out a bit but I was very lucky. It was only by chance I found the lumps. I’m a bad woman. I never examined my breasts before.’ Flora smiled at Noreen, who reached out for a tissue. ‘It’s a biopsy. It might be fine, it might not. Please don’t work yourself up now. If you stay level-headed, you’ll cope. I’m here if you need me.’

  ‘Why did you have both breasts done?’

  ‘Just in case,’ was all she could reply.

  They sat in silence for a moment as Flora then stared out the window, the sunshine filtering through the leaves of a large tree outside.

  ‘Can I see?’ she heard Noreen ask.

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘I’d like to see your breasts.’

  Flora couldn’t hide the shock, putting her hand to her mouth.

  ‘I want to know what it looks like, the scarring.’

  ‘Noreen, I can’t show you,’ she said wrapping the shawl tightly around her breasts. I just can’t. I can get some pictures and-.’

  ‘I need to see real ones. I want to know.’

  ‘I’ve never shown anyone my bare breasts since the operation. Only the consultants and nurses. I avoid it, you see,’ she swallowed hard. ‘I don’t think it’s a good idea.’

  ‘Why do you avoid it? Aren’t you with someone now? Surely they won’t mind.’

  ‘But I do,’ she gulped, glancing away. ‘I do.’

  ‘I’m not that way inclined,’ Noreen said seriously.

  ‘I’d hope not,’ Flora painfully smiled.

  ‘Tell me why you’ve never wanted to.’

  Closing her eyes, Flora didn’t want to say too much.

  ‘My husband left me the day I opened my eyes after the operation. He didn’t want me, saying he couldn’t be with me, it would hurt him too much. Matias looked at me as if I was the ugliest person in the world. All I remember was feeling so let down. He didn’t want me, you see. Not like I was after the operation. He knew I was having implants but he hated the idea of seeing me cut up. Couldn’t stomach it.’ Her breathing exercise was being used again to hide the pain. ‘And I started hating myself, seeing the disgust I saw in his eyes. Then mum died a few years back and I wonder, because I didn’t have fully blown cancer, if everything around me died instead.’