Happy Now?

by S M Mala

‘Lay off,’ Flora mumbled as Paulette shoved her gently with her shoulder. ‘The thing is, and this is something I don’t want to admit to anyone else but you-.’

  ‘Because I’m going to kick the bucket, I will take it to my grave.’

  ‘Paulette!’

  ‘Okay, okay. I feel something meaningful is coming up.’

  ‘It’s because-.’

  ‘You want him to want you,’ she interrupted.

  ‘Pardon?’ Flora said, gasping for a moment. ‘It only occurred to me this morning that’s how I felt. How did you know I was going to say that?’

  ‘Psychic. Didn’t you know?’

  That afternoon it was evident Ed wanted her.

  He had turned up an hour before she was due to pick up the kids and they spent most of the time kissing in the study. Somehow, he had managed to manoeuvre her to the ground, wrapping her legs around his back.

  The kissing was long and passionate.

  Flora was getting very hot and she could feel his body temperature was heating up.

  And in all that time, he still kept away from her breasts but managed to caress every other part of her body except between her legs. She moved his hands away several times knowing it would only make it more difficult for them to stop if he did.

  But she wanted him.

  That was the main thing that kept swirling in her head, very much like his tongue was doing in her mouth.

  He groaned and she involuntarily found herself pushing her groin into his.

  ‘I think we better stop,’ he said, looking down at her, his cheeks pink. ‘You have to pick up the children.’

  Flora just looked up at him, her heart racing and she just wanted to keep on kissing.

  ‘It’s been such a long time since I snogged someone senseless,’ she gasped, trying to catch her breath. ‘I missed it.’

  ‘I can tell,’ he laughed, kissing her nose. ‘I’m not sure when I’m going to be able to come back. I only managed to get here because I got back early from meeting a client.’

  ‘As long as you do.’

  Just saying it betrayed her fear he wouldn’t return and she’d be let down. Flora smiled through it. Ed, in return, frowned.

  ‘I will come back,’ he whispered, kissing her face. ‘There’s no reason not to.’

  She just grabbed him and hugged him with all her might, not wanting to ever let him go. The warmth of his body made her feel wanted and loved. Even if he never felt the same way as she did, she’d craved for this sense of closeness since she got ill.

  And for a moment, she knew she’d found it with Ed.

  Slowly, she released her embrace and gently rolled him off her, so she could get up and concentrate on the rest of the day. Her body felt lonely being apart and she pondered how she’d feel when Ed no longer came round.

  All his sweet words were wonderful but they were just words.

  He’d never know how much being with him, even though not as intimate as he would like, meant to her. Even now, Flora knew it wasn’t going to last. He wouldn’t want it to, especially when he saw her naked.

  That would be the final straw.

  And it had only been three days and so much was riding on it for her.

  ‘Idiot,’ she mumbled to herself, turning her back to him.

  Smoothing down her clothing, she turned.

  Ed was lying on his back, looking up at her.

  ‘I don’t know what’s going through your head but you pulled about thirty different facial expressions in a matter of seconds,’ he said gently, biting his lip. ‘What are you afraid of?’

  ‘Nothing,’ she shrugged.

  ‘I know you Flora. You might think an absence of a quarter of a century makes a difference, but it doesn’t.’

  ‘Don’t say that. You make us sound old.’

  ‘I could kill Matias for doing this to you.’

  ‘Doing what?’

  ‘Making you doubt everything and everyone. We’re not all like him, you know.’

  ‘He’s your friend and you go on double dates.’ Flora watched Ed’s face turn to a scowl. ‘I’m not passing judgement, I’m just saying. Would you like a cup of tea?’

  Quickly, she dashed out of the study and went to the kitchen, flicking on the switch to the kettle before getting some cups.

  She wondered if Ed really knew her, like he said he did.

  Then she felt a pair of arms wrap around her body, his head rested firmly in the crook of her neck. It made her skin tingle again, feeling him close. Flora closed her eyes, wanting to remember how she was feeling that very moment.

  ‘This is my plan for the week,’ he whispered into her ear. ‘I have to work but I did promise to finish the study off and I will. I think it might take me months.’

  ‘Really?’ she smiled, still keeping her eyes shut.

  ‘Complicated job. I keep getting sexually harassed by my client.’

  ‘Aren’t you lucky?’

  ‘Incredibly,’ he laughed. ‘So, if the client doesn’t mind, I’d like to come here at the weekend, if it’s all right with her children. I’ll work on the study and she can feed me. I know I can’t stay the night but when Lola and Max are at their dad’s, I can come and sleep over.’

  Taking in a deep breath, she turned and looked up at him.

  ‘If ever you want to walk away from me, it’s fine. I’ll be okay about it. I will understand.’ Flora tried to hide how upset she felt so forced a smile. ‘You don’t owe me anything. Being with you over the past few days has been wonderful. I forgot what it felt liked to be held by another human being who I’m not related to or is classified as a best friend. I…’

  She didn’t know what to say but all the time Ed had a faint smile on his lips.

  ‘I know you’re scared, Flo. I see it written all over your face. Now I think you’ve got to start looking at the positives, not the negatives. Do you know this bank holiday weekend, it will be twenty five years since I got you in the back of my van?’

  ‘Got me?’ Flora pretended to scowl for a second. ‘I think I was the one that made the first move.’

  ‘Being you’re fast and loose.’ Ed grimaced. ‘I didn’t mean it about your sister the other day. You know I like Faith.’

  ‘So do most of the male population of West London,’ Flora laughed, shaking her head.

  ‘But I was mad about you seeing Lee in Brighton.’

  ‘No,’ Flora said, hating hearing the man’s name again so put her fingers to his lips. ‘I wasn’t with Lee and whatever he says isn’t the truth, not how I see it.’

  ‘Did you and he ever sleep together?’

  Closing her eyes for a moment, she didn’t want to tell him anything.

  ‘He just wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer,’ Flora gulped and looked at Ed’s concerned eyes. ‘Don’t rake this all up and please don’t tell him where I live. I really don’t want to set eyes on him again.’

  ‘You have to tell me,’

  … Ed said, feeling a panic build in his breathing. ‘I still see him from time to time. I don’t want to hide what’s going on between us.’

  He watched Flora’s face crumple in pain and knew whatever happened, it was bad and had hurt her.

  ‘If you tell me very quickly then I won’t ask you again. I wanted to know how you were. I begged him to seek you out but he said he couldn’t find you. But here, years later, I find that he did and I’m wondering why he never told me. Why wouldn’t he tell me?’

  Flora stroked his cheek and pressed her lips against them, placing a gentle kiss.

  ‘I have to leave in fifteen minutes,’ she said quietly. ‘He’s your friend. I don’t want to cause a problem.’

  He grabbed her hand and walked her to the sofa.

  ‘What about the tea?’ she asked, glancing over her shoulder.

  Ed sat down and put her on his lap, wrapping his arms around her shoulders but making sure she was in a position to look at him.

  Then he leaned forward and kissed her gently, tasti
ng her tongue against his. Within seconds, the kiss had got deeper and longer before he parted their mouths.

  ‘Ten minutes to tell me everything,’ he said quietly. ‘Doesn’t matter how bad it was, I’ll listen without passing judgement.’ Flora was about to open her mouth. ‘Last time I was a bit annoyed.’

  She grabbed his face gently between her hands and looked at him straight in the eye.

  ‘You broke my heart,’ she said. Ed felt a stab of pain on hearing her say it. ‘I had such feelings for you. I didn’t realise how much it would hurt. I wished I could have gone to sleep and not woken up. I was so naïve and couldn’t cope. You were all I ever wanted and, for one fleeting moment, you were mine.’

  ‘Flo,’ was all he could say, squeezing her tightly.

  ‘And I thought I did something wrong by giving myself to you that night. But I wanted to show you that I cared and the box? It was the best gift I’ve ever received other than when the kids make me something from egg cartons.’ She laughed through her hurt. ‘So I wasn’t looking for anyone else. I was so upset. I simply wasn’t interested.’

  She shuffled in his lap and took a deep breath.

  ‘Then I saw Lee. I wanted to know how you were and he told me you were with Diane, and very happy. I was heartbroken. I realised you didn’t really care and I’d been, you know.’ Flora did what she always did and took a deep breath. ‘Anyway, he started hanging around.’

  ‘You went out as friends in a group?’ he asked and could feel her heart beating faster.

  ‘I’ve always thought he was a little creepy but I didn’t want to be rude. There was always a chance you might turn up and I wanted to see you again.’

  ‘Why didn’t you come back to London to try and find me?’

  ‘Why didn’t you try to find me?’ she asked and he had no answer. ‘He kept asking me out and I kept refusing. Lee said he really liked me and we’d be good together. I just kept saying no and no and no but he wouldn’t listen. It got really bad. I wanted to move back to London, that was the plan. But Lee made it more urgent and I had to get away. Well, I thought I could easily disappear but he got wind of it. One night he turned up at the house and I was alone. He’d been drinking, asked me something and I said no.’

  ‘Asked you what?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter now and then he got really angry with me.’ Flora closed her eyes. ‘Said he wanted to make me less uptight and I’d hurt him. He said it would show me how he felt. I knew what he wanted to do and I was scared.’ She went silent and looked down at her chest. ‘He wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer, you see.’

  ‘Tell me,’ Ed asked, feeling physically sick at what he was hearing. ‘What did he do?’

  ‘He managed to get hold of me and ripped my clothes off. I don’t know how he did it but he did. I was so upset and scared because I knew what he was going to do. I screamed and hit him but he hit me back harder. Then I gave up. I couldn’t fight him. If he wanted to fuck me then he could. I’d just get over it.’ He looked at her devastated expression. ‘Lisa turned up. I was trying to scream but he held my mouth shut during …’ She closed his eyes. ‘His mouth and hands were all over me. It makes me sick to think about it now. My friend kicked and thumped him until he got off me.’

  He was going to kill Lee.

  That was the first thought that sprang into Ed’s head.

  ‘We managed to throw him outside and threatened to call the police. He knew we’d be able to do it because I wasn’t drunk. He kept shouting that I led him on and all that shit. His spit was all over my body but I just wanted to go. I just scrubbed my skin until it was clean.’ Flora looked at Ed. ‘He didn’t have sexual intercourse with me but he might have well done. It made me scared of men for a very long time. I never had sex again until three years after we made love.’

  Ed realised he’d exposed Flora because he wanted Lee to find her.

  Little did he know of his friend’s intention.

  To fuck Flora, whether she wanted it or not.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Ed said, wanting to cry but knowing it would only upset her. ‘I asked him to find out about you. I shouldn’t have. How badly did he hurt you?’

  ‘Lisa had a Polaroid camera and took pictures but she kept them safe. I don’t even know if she’s got them now. Just bruising around my thighs, side of my body, arms and face,’ she swallowed. ‘Just in case he came back, we’d threaten to report him. It’d be his word against me and Lisa’s but I knew he’d never show his face again.’

  ‘Why didn’t you come immediately to me?’ he asked, feeling his body start to shake. ‘I’d have dealt with it.’

  ‘I wanted to before it all happened,’ she replied, smiling brightly through her hurt. ‘I planned to track you down and tell you how I felt. I was going to find out what I did wrong and why you didn’t want me. I was so sure it would make me feel better.’ Flora gulped and closed her eyes. ‘Then that thing with Lee happened. I thought he’d tell you a lie and you’d believe him. I never tried to find you because I knew you’d never want me after that. Why would you?’

  ‘I told him,’

  … she said the following day at lunch. Lisa was about to take a bite from her wrap and stopped. ‘I told Ed about Lee and what happened.’

  Flora watched her friend put down her food before staring back at her.

  ‘Everything?’

  ‘Everything,’ she said, glancing down. ‘He looked so angry and upset, I didn’t know what to say.’

  ‘So from accosting him in the back of a van, you tell him one of his close friends tried to assault you. God Flora, you really don’t do subtle, do you?’ Lisa smiled then patted her cheek. ‘But you look happy and sad.’

  ‘I like Ed,’ she whispered. ‘More than I could have ever imagined but he’ll walk away, I know it.’

  ‘Stop this,’ hissed Lisa, biting into her food then chewing hard. ‘Why? Because you’ve got scars on your breasts? If he does then he’s not worth it. I mean, his mother copped a feel and she certainly wasn’t put off.’

  ‘Funny,’ she sighed then her phone started to ring. ‘It’s Gaynor. Sorry, I have to take it.’

  Answering the call, Flora was about to greet her friend but was rudely interrupted.

  ‘So my estate agents are sponsoring part of your fundraising thing on bank holiday Monday and we need publicity.’

  ‘Hello there.’

  ‘And I’m bringing the kids and all sorts. I thought we could have a picnic on the green while it was going on and make a day of it.’

  ‘How are you?’

  ‘I’m bringing a date,’ her friend said, not even acknowledging Flora. ‘He’s pretty hunky and young. My, my, very young but he’s out of nappies, so that’s good.’

  ‘You are a dirty old bag, do you know that?’

  There was a loud laugh from the other end of the phone.

  ‘And Priti is also sponsoring a stand for her weirdo political party so it will be a family thing. What are you doing?’ she sighed.

  ‘I’m going to turn up and help on the stall and …’ She knew what would happen when she said the next bit. ‘… Paulette wants to do some psychic readings with the aim of raising money. She says, now she’s getting ill, her gift is enhanced.’

  ‘Really? I need to see her. Can you book me in? How much?’ her friend asked at high speed and Flora noticed Lisa was smiling, shaking her head. ‘I need guidance.’

  ‘Yes, you certainly need help,’ grinned Flora.

  ‘And Ed? Will he be there?’

  ‘Why should he be?’

  ‘Oh, no reason,’ Gaynor said tiredly. ‘I just thought he might want to come. Has he?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Come.’

  ‘Gaynor! Your mind is full of filth!’ she said, feeling her face burn up. ‘He’s a nice man and…’ Flora was a loss on what to say. ‘… very good with his hands and so am I.’

  Lisa, at that moment, choked on her food and started to laugh.

  ‘Wh
o are you with? That northern girl? Have you got an interpreter with you?’

  ‘Tell Gaynor her gob is so loud I can hear her and she’s not even on speaker phone,’ said Lisa, before putting a napkin over her mouth.

  ‘Send her my love,’ Gaynor sighed. ‘Flora?’

  ‘Yes Gaynor?’

  ‘You need a shag.’

  ‘Right, well, on that note, I’m going to go. I take it you and Priti got together for three hours and came up with that solution to my life?’

  ‘It was a collective agreement as she would say. I can get you in my dating agency, you know. They’re not that fussy,’ she giggled. ‘Look, they even took me on.’

  ‘Go sell some overpriced crap property to more middle class twits and let me eat my lunch.’

  ‘Love you and see you at noon on Monday. I can’t wait.’

  The line went dead.

  ‘She’s right you know,’ Lisa said, finishing off her food. ‘You need to have sex.’

  Flora looked at her healthy wrap then glanced at a slice of carrot cake on the counter.

  ‘I prefer cake right now,’ she mumbled, knowing her mind had wandered off. All she could see was a naked Ed on her mattress. ‘Yes, lots of cake.’

  ‘What did Matias say to you on Sunday?’ smiled Lisa, moving forward. ‘I wished I’d see the punch.’

  ‘The kids came to the door themselves and he just sped off as soon as possible. I’m waiting for a letter from his solicitor putting an injunction against me. Can’t wait.’

  ‘What do you think he’s going to say when he finds out that you’re touching up his carpenter?’

  ‘I dread to think.’

  ‘I’m going to kill him,’

  … he said in all seriousness to Harry early Friday evening. ‘I’m going to fucking well kick his head in and watch his brains spill out all over the floor!’

  ‘I forgot you’re a nice guy,’ laughed Harry.

  They were sitting in Harry’s local pub.

  Ed was trying hard not to get angry.

  ‘You need to get his side of the story,’ said Harry diplomatically, shaking his head gravely from side to side. ‘But to be honest, it sounds like something he’d do.’