Nevertheless

by Ailisa Madrone

  "It's done." She said to him. "We're not engaged anymore. You no longer have to work hard to sabotage me for the king. You're free."

  Some confusion showed at Navi's face, and he ask himself what Mabel could have told Dareh to persuade him to take back his decision. "I don't know what you had to do to desperately leave the castle that way, but you should know this is going to be even more difficult." Navi's eyes were curious. "Why the army out of anything else you could have bargained?"

  "I'm worried that the soldiers cannot stop Balthasar's men. I don't think they're ready for the war."

  "They're not ready, you say." Navi said restrained, disguising the offense coming from a girl telling him that his soldiers were not prepared. "And what are you going to do about it?"

  "I don't know. But my father always told me that I could choose to do something that mattered rather than expecting people to do it for me. I am trying to be a part of it. Well," She spoke so softly that the words almost sounded like a sigh. "And at the same time I need a job, and I can't do anything that I should have learned from my mother."

  "If that's the case, I can get you a job at the palace as lady-in-waiting for the future princess, or as a cook, or whatever you're good at."

  Mabel shook her head negatively. "I don't know how to do anything else. All I know is how to fight, that's what I did all my life."

  Navi gave her a bored look. "You're a girl."

  "It's not a problem."

  "You're going to die." He said patiently as if he was talking to a child.

  "Are you going back on your word?"

  "No, I'm not. I am just trying to understand you. When this is all over, after Tzara leaves, you will be dead and no one will remember that you existed. That is what I am trying to say. It is not worth what you are trying to do."

  "I will not change my mind." She said, trying to keep her voice steady. "No matter what you say, I won't change my mind. The enemy is attacking us, they killed my parents. I don't see why I can't fight back. I am not fragile and I am not afraid, and I just want justice for what they are doing to us. I want to see Tzara's kingdom fall."

  Navi tried to break Mabel seriousness with a smile. "Signing up for the army?"

  "Why not?"

  Navi looked down to the floor and shook his head, not believing in what he was hearing. A woman has never been part of Navon's army before, and now this girl was here saying she wanted to be the first to do it.

  He looked at her again, clamping his jaw while he saw Mabel sound very decided. "All right, let's see if you can survive your army first. Just because you are in your kingdom's army, it does not mean that you're safe. And I warn you, Mabel, daughter of the penultimate commander, that if anybody tries anything against you I will not interfere. From the moment you step on that field you'll be on your own, do you understand this?"

  "Don't worry." But Navi didn't seem worried. "I am ready."

  VIII

  "But I'll buy a saddle and a horse and I will join

  the army in the place of my father."

  The Ballad of Mulan

  ◊

  One morning they knocked at Mabel's door to deliver an envelope. She paid five silver coins for leather pants and a vest, three times more than what a dress would cost. But it was a good investment; she wouldn't have to wander around the camp wearing one of her hyperbolic dresses. The soldiers would ridicule her. What advantage would she have if she gave them a reason to mock her?

  But all that talk about proving herself? It was a lie. Squires do not prove themselves.

  Mabel was not inserted in the troop; she wasn't even duly introduced to the troops. Her main tasks included polishing weapons, making sure it was working and sharp, checking out the armors and cavalry outfits; following the commander everywhere in order to be ready when he needed anything – when the soldiers needed something. And she still had to deal with nasty comments about she being a woman and being in a place like that.

  They underestimated her, and it didn't look like she'd have a chance to prove herself. She was just an extra in a scenario of soldiers, and she didn't know how she could change that.

  After a few days working in the army, Mabel could already recognize the features of all soldiers. Among them, one that stood out the most was a tough guy, shoulders up, much bigger than the others, any one of them, and she casually saw him teasing some other soldier. Unlike most other military with their bodies out of shape and low knowledge of war, this one was a hawk among birds, a lion among foxes, and a skilled soldier that dominated the soldiers in theory. His victims were the clumsy and ungainly, unable to defend themselves. Artisans, farmers, artists, philosophers. Everyone.

  Even now, he was bullying a stableman. Mabel could not understand the glory in tormenting a guy who took care of horses, a guy who handled horsehair and shit every day. She wishes someone would put him in his place on day. She would like to be able to put him in his place herself.

  She pushed hard the swords on the quiver once, twice, three times. That was her job; after the practice, she would keep the weapons in place. Some soldiers would give her the artillery they used directly in her hands or put it in the warehouse, but others left it scattered everywhere for her to collect it.

  She was there to perform another job. But that's not why she was taking her frustration out in the weapons. Every time she saw the big guy bullying the stableman, she would get really unhappy.

  "You shouldn't want to get involved." Someone warned her in a relaxed voice. "You shouldn't draw attention to you."

  Mabel turned to find an interlocutor tall and thin, with absence of muscle, but with an insightful look. Ironically, a target of the big guy. But he spoke as if he were not susceptible to it, like he was out of reach, as if he had a strong body and a knowledge of fighting that would keep him safe.

  "Of course," Mabel replied, ironically. "People just watch it."

  He shrugged. "What else can we do?"

  "Aren't you soldiers? Shouldn't you be fighting and defending people?"

  Mabel returned her focus on her work, but not completely. She could still observe the big guy harassing the stableman, and the strength with which she was handling the weapons has increased.

  "What's your name?" Mabel asked, interested. If he was talking to her, perhaps they could be friends. She was there for two weeks, and nobody except the commander ever talked to her before.

  Mabel stopped to watch him respond:

  ''Aury.''

  Before Aury asked her name, or maybe he wouldn't, Mabel said: "I'm Mabel." And no one would ever say their name with such pride and pleasure as she did.

  She smiled at him, a little spark of casualness that made her forget the big guy molesting the stable boy, and for a moment there was no impunity.

  "Come on." Aury made a move. "I don't know about you, but I need to eat."

  It was lunchtime.

  After the break from training, they would all go to the cafeteria. The place was packed, and while the two roamed around the hall towards the food distribution, Mabel looked around, searching for a place for her and Aury to sit with furtive eyes. As for Aury, his eyes were proud, waving at some men as he walked, even if they weren't responsive enough or even looking back at him.

  Mabel reached Aury to walk on his side. "You know everyone here, don't you?"

  Aury shrugged again. "They are not in a good mood today."

  The big guy was sitting at the end of the table when Mabel passed by him, and he stared at her, measuring her with an ironic expression on his face, with a lewd smile so small she barely noticed. Somehow, even with all the intimidation he spread around, Mabel was not afraid to face back his eyes with a firm and relentless hatred look on her face. She would not show insecurity before an opponent, because that's what he represented to her. Someone who treats their own as he would treat an enemy would be nothing but an opponent as well.

  When she passed by him her eyes turned away, and she could finally breathe. The adrenaline was go
ne and brought to her the awareness that looking at him defiantly the way she did might not have been a good idea.

  Mabel was right behind Aury in line. There was a man behind the counter. He threw something white and sticky on Aury's plate and then two large pieces of meat and a generous oat portion.

  It was Mabel's turn, and she held out the plate to him. "I want a little bit, please."

  Disregarding her request and her size, Epaminondas threw the same amount of food on her plate as he did for the others.

  They're not used to having a woman around, Mabel shrugged. Because most of the times that is how people behaved, and they simply accepted it, unless they earned the right to be heard. Mabel was working on it every day for that.

  The place they called cafeteria seemed disgusting in a female point of view. The soldiers would bend on the table, instead of keeping their posture straight and not touching the seat and by no means having their fists touching the table, as Mabel learned while she was in the castle. They were pulling the bone out of the meat by hand, spreading food all over the table.

  Well, they were men, and men don't care about good manners.

  "The soldiers are saying that you have committed a crime and that is why you were forced to serving the king's army."

  Mabel sniffled followed by an eye rolling, and then shook her head.

  "Or was it anything worse?"

  She gave him a hard look, and then he raised his hand. "It's just what people are saying."

  "People talk too much."

  Aury looked at her plate and pointed: "Are you going to eat all this?" Before she could answer, Aury grabbed her plate and dumped over half of her food in his plate with the help of a spoon.

  "Why are you being nice to me?" Mabel asked while she watched him eat, holding the spoon with his hands instead of his fingers.

  "You and I are outcasts here." He did not stop eating to answer her. "I thought we should both stay together."

  She wanted to tell him that he would be even more of an outcast if he walked around the training camp with a woman. He seemed desperate, so she did not say it. "I'm an outcast to them because I'm a woman. What about you?"

  "They think I'm too weak for them."

  "Are you?"

  "Maybe"

  "But you're not. They are wrong about us, and we will prove that them are wrong."

  Aury stopped eating and looked at Mabel as if she was not right in the head. "Really?"

  "Yes, really."

  IX

  ''In the east market she buys a steed,

  in the west market she buys a saddle.''

  The Ballad of Mulan

  ◊

  At the end of the day, when the sun was going down and the soldiers started to go home, Mabel knew the workday was over. She saw it happening every day, but she couldn't leave with them. As she was an apprentice squire, even after the day was over, she had to collect weapons dropped around the training camp and take them inside where she'd have to polish them and keep them stored. That's what she has been doing, and she knew she could not do this job any longer.

  "Aren't you leaving?" It was Aury. He moved his head towards the exit. "Shall we?"

  On the way back home, Mabel found out that Aury lived nearby. They were neighbors and they never occasionally bumped into each other at fairs or village parties. Or maybe they met before, but they never really paid attention to each other. If Mabel knew that he would be nice to her, she would have noticed him before.

  "Aury?" Mabel said. "When you started in the army, did you also have to do these tasks I've been told to do? Because I guess it is some kind of initiation, and then when I'm ready I'm going to do the same as everyone else. It is?''

  "I don't think so. I joined the army in less than a month ago. The army situation is not in a position to spare soldiers, you know that." Aury looked at her very confused. "I didn't know you were here to be a soldier. I thought you were just a servant rather peculiar, by the way."

  Mabel was disappointed. "A servant, you said?"

  "I'm sorry, but that's what it looks like."

  "No! I am a soldier, just like you. I'm here for the army."

  Aury looked at her with regret. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but it seems like someone is fooling you."

  Mabel wanted to go home. She could be in her home now, overcoming the long day to be able to repeat the same dose of hard work tomorrow. She didn't want to be on her way to the castle. When she crossed the bridge that separated the village from those huge walls, she should have turned back. And when she told the castle guards that she was there to see the prince, she should have turned around. Mabel should have left while she was climbing the stairs to the upper floor. At birth she should have acquired a resigned personality, so she wouldn't be there now.

  If Navi wasn't in his office, the other possible place would be in his room. That's where Amir told her to go. Usually they're not used to opening the castle for visitors, unless there was a conference with the king or a judgment, and this wasn't the case now, especially at the prince's room. But as Dareh said that Mabel almost came to be part of the family, so she was allowed.

  She stopped by Navi's bedroom door. Her hand rose with the intention of knocking, but she changed her mind. She gulped, terrified. How could she face the prince while she was claiming a position? She looked at the empty hallway to her right and then to her left. She didn't know what she was doing there since it was clear she couldn't do it.

  How did I think I could do this?

  She turned around to leave, as a murderer who can't finish the job. She was walking away from the door when she told herself that she could never beat her opponents if she couldn't even stare at the general. And she was justifying herself thinking she would have no problem facing her opponents, once she didn't admire them to the point of making her legs shake and her heart lose control. No enemy would ever cause the same effect that Navi caused on her.

  She went back to the starting point; knock or not knock... and she didn't allow herself to prolong it any longer. She knocked three times and stopped. She knocked three more times, and stopped.

  She wished the door opened slowly, so she would have more time to plan what she would have done next. Mabel was convincing herself while she staring at the prince that she only acted foolishly around him like that because he wasn't anyone.

  Navi was wearing comfortable clothes; thin cotton blouse, probably made in the East, and black trousers made of some durable fabric from somewhere exotic. They stayed that way for a while; she was outside and he was inside. Then Navi finally raised his eyebrow, intrigued by the fact that Mabel was standing at his room's door, and that was her starting point when she didn't know what to say, even though she knew exactly what she went there to talk about.

  "I know what you're doing." The thin face with large eyes looked at him back, imperturbably. "And I'm here to remind you that you made me a promise."

  "What are you talking about?" Navi asked, confused. He was starting to think that she had a habit of talking random and meaningless things.

  "How did I go from being a soldier to being a weapon keeper?"

  "I never said that you would be a soldier. I said, and I remember it very well, that I would put you in the army. It was the deal I thought what I had with you."

  "You lied to me."

  "It wasn't a lie, Mabel." The way he said her name made her eyes give in a little. "We just think differently about the same thing."

  "There is no confusion about it if you even sworn."

  "To tell you the truth, I don't believe in oaths. I can't believe something that we talk is forever sealed."

  "But I do. And I believed in you."

  Navi got out of the hiding place in his room and stopped by the doorway, leaning over to Mabel, very, very close, intimidating her; he did it to stand out over her so that she would feel small and trapped and wanted to run away like the most vulnerable of the animals. Maybe this wasn't his intention, but if he tried a little harde
r, she would have done it.

  "I took an oath in vain, but I did it for you. You can't understand it now, but you'll thank me later. I'm sure your father would not have gone in peace if he knew you're impatiently looking for revenge. Let me do it for you."

  Mabel shook her head, irritated with the superficial and unfair analysis he was making. "You're wrong."

  A flash of perplexity passed on Navi's face, as he didn't know what part specifically he was wrong about. She could imagine that Navi never heard this word before. But he wasn't perfect, and he could be making a mistake thinking he was right. It wasn't revenge what she wanted.

  "And if you allow me, I would like to make an observation." Tension ratcheted up Mabel nerves. "Maybe the soldiers should not eat that much. How do you expect them to face what is yet to come with those bodies? As you can see, I care about the army and I am here because it is my interest to protect the people of this place, as much as you." She didn't let the prince answer, and she just stopped to get some air. "Have a peaceful night, Your highness."

  As she walked down the hallway, Mabel cursed him repeatedly. Definitively, he was not who she expected him to be.

  X

  "In the northern market she buys a long whip,

  in the southern market she buys a rein."

  The Ballad of Mulan

  ◊

  The training was paused for lunch. Even though the soldiers were going to use the weapons again, Mabel could not leave them scattered. For these men it was like a sacrilege, and somehow it was for Mabel as well. Mabel had left some weapons behind, and she went back to pick them up. Before the arena was empty, but now she could see Aury and a shadow over him.

  Mabel raised off the ground, with the sword in her hand, dragging it on the sand as she walked. And it wasn't her intention to drop it. And then, the big guy pushed Aury to the ground.