Chasing Paradise

by Cindy Patterson

  She focused on the streams of light breaking through the tall pines. They were standing so close to each other. Rachel turned and made a bold attempt to look him in the eye, but missed by a few inches. Her gaze halted on his lips. This isn't helping. “Come on. Let's finish our picnic.” Her hand still connected to his, she pulled him toward the blanket.

  She soaked in the moment as long as she could, then released his fingers as they sat down. She missed his touch instantly. “How did you learn to build things? You’re so good at it.”

  “I’ve always worked with wood. It’s something I’ve enjoyed for as long as I can remember.”

  “I know you renovate houses, obviously. But I overheard that guy Kevin calling you boss.”

  “I’m a building contractor. Several Englischers work for me, but I only have a few guys. I'm just getting started.”

  “How much do you want to grow?”

  “That's the complicated part.”

  “It shouldn't be. Your work is beautiful. You're very gifted, Paul. You can go as far as you want.” Rachel watched the play of emotions stretching across his face. Passion, hesitation, longing.

  “Tell my uncle that.” His gaze settled somewhere deep in the woods. “He's completely against this.”

  “That's hard to believe.” Paul was different, he had a determination she'd never witnessed in other guys his age. It wasn't just his Amish upbringing, there was more to it than that. She reached for his hand, longing to feel his touch again, longing to show him how she felt for him. She squeezed it gently before letting it fall away. “Your work speaks for itself. There's no doubt, you can do anything you set your mind to.”

  His gaze bore into hers. So intense, she feared she would dig her fingers through the short layers of hair surrounding his neck and kiss him hard on the mouth if she didn't do something. Fast. “So Kevin works for you?” She leaned onto her side, breaking the connection. “You've never brought him before and haven't brought him back since, not that I've seen anyway.”

  “I needed him that one day. Most of your mom's renovations only need one hand. I have the others, like Kevin, working on other projects.”

  “Oh. I was wondering why he never came back but that makes sense. Kevin introduced himself that day he worked here.” She thought about his invitation. So caught up in her desire to be close to Paul, she'd almost missed his question. She must've seemed so rude. “He said we'd be going to school together.”

  Paul pulled himself onto his knees. “Jah, he mentioned that.” His chin dipped to his chest. “Well, it’s getting late. I better get back to work.” He packed their things into the basket. His gaze no longer held the same glimmer as before. They were blank, devoid of any hope. Then he looked around with a hint of confusion.

  She took the basket from him when they reached the yard.

  “Thank you for lunch, and the wunderbaar gut company. Your cooking could give my aunt's a run for its money.”

  “You're welcome.” Her response faltered on her lips.

  He took her hand this time and squeezed it gently before letting it go. “Have a gut night at work.” He turned and headed in the opposite direction.

  What just happened? She should be thrilled. He'd called her beautiful. But something was wrong. Rachel went inside, put her things away, trying not to let the sudden change in his behavior bother her.

  25

  Paul crept to his uncle's barn eager to be alone. He slammed the hammer into a piece of wood. It slipped and hit his finger.

  Dummkup!

  He’d once again made an idiot of himself. He’d had a wonderful time with Rachel and was delighted she’d asked him to join her for lunch. But why would she want to spend time with him? An Amish man. When she could have an Englischer like Kevin?

  The disappointment was cold and bracing, more painful than his throbbing finger. He couldn't blame her. What would she possibly see in him–a plain Amish man who could offer nothing worldly, everything she'd ever known.

  Mary traipsed into the barn. “What're you doing?”

  He winced at the pain inching up his arm. “Working on something.”

  She leaned against the wooden shelf. “Something for Rachel?”

  “Ach, Mary.”

  “I thought you liked her.” There was a certain determination in her voice.

  “I work for her mamm. She's a nice girl. Of course, I like her.” He loved her. He wanted to protect her. To spend his life making her smile.

  Mary rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean. Like I like Thomas.” She dragged her fiancé's name out. It rankled his nerves.

  He started to grab another piece of wood, but stopped mid-reach. “I’m that obvious?”

  “Jah.” Mary sat on the stool, her eyes glimmering. She looked like a little girl listening to a story, impatient to find out the ending. “It’s okay if you like her.”

  “No, it’s not,” he snapped.

  “You haven’t joined the church.”

  Mary shouldn’t be pushing him. She should be discouraging him. Crossing his arms, he challenged her. “I’m going to. Besides, it goes against everything we’ve been taught.” His tone was sharper than he intended. Her gaze fell, and he regretted his tone. “We had a picnic lunch today.”

  The brightness in her eyes returned. “Really? Whose idea was it?”

  “Hers, but it was no big deal.” Paul didn’t want to be a bad influence on Mary, or lead her to stray from their Amish heritage. Something his uncle would blame on him, something his uncle would never forgive. But he needn't worry. She was engaged to his best friend, Thomas. Could Mary feel the same way for Thomas that he did for Rachel?

  It would be better for Rachel to be interested in someone like Kevin, but that didn’t make him feel any better. He could barely stomach the image of her with anyone else.

  Mary settled on the bench beside him. “What did you talk about?”

  “We did more eating than talking.” He wasn’t at liberty to tell Mary much. He respected Rachel. Respected her mom. And to talk about their private conversation wasn't the Amish way.

  “Did she have a good time at the singing?”

  “I don’t know. I guess so. You spent more time with her than I did.”

  “Anna and her cousin visiting from out of town came in the store today. You won’t believe what Anna said.”

  “Speaking gossip again?” Paul wasn't interested. He picked up his hammer and slid two pieces of wood together. “You know I don't care to hear her stories.”

  “It was about you.”

  His lips twitched. “Me? What would she have to say about me?”

  Mary's lip turned up into a sour pout. “She's planning to kiss you right on the mouth next time she gets you alone.”

  “What?” The hammer slipped from his grip, clattering against the table. “She told you that?”

  “No, she told her cousin, Meg. They didn’t see me. I was standing near the back.”

  “Eefeldich. Is she serious?”

  “I knew she liked you, but it surprised even me.” She frowned. “She's also been hanging around with that Englisch crowd that likes to party.”

  “Ach!”

  “I think she's hoping you’ll try to stop her.”

  Paul had told her about how Anna manipulated him Sunday night. Mary didn’t seem to think Rachel saw them, but she wasn't sure.

  “I’ll have to make sure I’m never alone with her.”

  Mary chewed her lower lip, and the wrinkles between her eyes deepened.

  “What is it?”

  “Nothing.” Mary looked as if she wanted to say more, but changed her mind. “I’m sorry things are so difficult for you right now. Have you thought about telling Rachel how you feel?”

  Over and over again.

  26

  Rachel stepped outside the restaurant for her morning break. Two birds flew to the ground to peck at a scrap of bread. Blades of grass sparkled in the sunlight from a light rain God had provided earlier. Sudden m
ovement from across the street caught her eye, and she took an instinctive step forward when Paul stepped off the curb.

  He hadn’t noticed her yet. Should she speak to him? She started to cross the street but stopped when a young Amish woman came around the corner and approached. The girl laughed as she leaned against him. It was the same girl from the singing. The same girl who'd been talking about Paul to her friend. The same girl who hurried to tell him good night.

  Anna.

  Rachel spun around, the swell of disappointment crushing. Only two more hours until she could go home. Without waiting another second, she moved toward the restaurant door, taking one last glance in his direction. They were no longer there. Good. It hurt too much seeing him with someone else.

  After arriving home from work, Rachel took a shower and started downstairs for a snack. She had been unable to eat anything at lunch after seeing them together. She was no longer in the mood for company, but had no choice. Her aunt and cousins were on their way.

  Rachel had only taken a few steps down the stairs when she noticed Paul standing in the kitchen doorway. Her footsteps halted, and she swiveled on the ball of her foot to retreat upstairs.

  “Rachel.” His velvet smooth voice reached her from the floor below.

  She paused for a long moment, before taking a deep breath and slowly turning back. Then she made the mistake of meeting his gaze. The depth of his blue eyes confused her. Rachel tried not to trip over her feet as she finally made her way down the steps. She reached the last one, and he moved in front of her. “Are you okay?” he asked, breaking the silence.

  She stared through the window at the sedan pulling into the drive. “My aunt and cousins are here to visit.”

  He chuckled. “Are you not happy about seeing them?”

  “No, I am.” She twisted her fingers together. She would never admit what was really wrong.

  “I didn't realize you had family close by.”

  “They live in Hershey.”

  “Oh.” Paul gripped the edge of the stair railing and rubbed the wood as if he didn't know what else to do with his hand. “That's wunderbaar-gut. But I would expect you to be happier.” His dancing eyes urged her to give in.

  “I am happy.”

  He took a step closer. “Nein, something's troubling you.”

  Pull yourself together. “No, really, I'm fine.”

  He cleared his throat and looked away. “If you say so.”

  She imagined falling into his arms. She stopped short and clenched her hands behind her back. What was she doing? What was he doing? He'd been with that girl only two hours ago. Now, he was standing here mesmerizing her with his stare.

  She gave herself a mental slap on the wrist. He wasn’t doing anything wrong. She was reading what she wanted into this. And she definitely wanted this.

  He stood there a moment longer, looking at her with an intensity that stirred a longing within her and threatened to weaken her knees. “Your family’s coming in. And I've got to get started on that porch. I'll see you later.” He lifted a tummy-fluttering smile and was moving away before she could voice a response.

  Mom entered seconds later with Aunt Barbara, Tanner, and Katelyn just as Paul disappeared down the hall.

  Aunt Barbara pulled her into a hug. “Look at you. You're absolutely gorgeous.”

  Rachel hugged her back. “Aw, thank you so much. It’s so good to see you.” She bent, facing her youngest cousin. A beautiful little girl with big brown eyes and straight dark hair. “Hi, Katelyn.” The child stepped behind her mom, keeping her focus on the floor. “Of course you don't remember me. I'm Rachel.” Katelyn's cheeks puffed into a crooked smile as Rachel stood and reached to hug Tanner. “Hey, you. It’s been a long time.”

  “Too long. You’ve changed so much.”

  Rachel stared up at him. He was taller than she remembered. “Look at you. You’re like in college now.”

  “You'll be there next year. Have you thought about where you’re going?”

  “No, not really.” She had planned to go to Pensacola State her whole life. But the thought of leaving Lancaster County now caused her physical pain.

  The sound of Paul's hammer reached her ears and the air in the house thickened. “Katelyn, would you and Tanner like to go for a walk. I have a really cool secret place.” She shoved the persistent vision of Paul standing with his girlfriend to the back of her mind and focused on her cousins.

  Shy eyes glanced up at her, a hint of excitement filling them. “Okay.”

  Rachel offered her hand and Katelyn accepted it, her smile timid.

  Once Katelyn warmed to her, she treated Rachel like she’d known her, her whole life. She wanted Rachel’s full attention, and Rachel was happy to give it. Katelyn was a good distraction.

  They played hide-and-seek when they reached the creek. Katelyn and Rachel hid together behind a big bush surrounded by tall pines. After Tanner counted to twenty, he ambled toward them. Katelyn's squirming feet against fallen branches would give their secret place away.

  “Where could they be?” A lighthearted grin broadened his Pennsylvania accent.

  A soft giggle eased from Katelyn's lips, and she covered her mouth with her hand.

  Rachel gave her a knowing look, and Katelyn slipped to her bottom, her hand still firmly in place. That is, until Tanner jumped in front of them reaping a wild scream from them both.

  They moved to sit on the thick patch of grass, and Katelyn told her all about preschool. Her excitement over going to pre-kindergarten was precious.

  Maybe it was seeing Tanner again after all these years or maybe she hadn't noticed before, but Tanner reminded her of Daddy. They had the same features, the same lanky frame. Maybe it was just the idea that he was a part of her family. Part of a family she could still hold onto. Part of a family she didn't want to let go.

  Back in the yard, she avoided looking in Paul's direction and instead watched Katelyn skip across the yard. Inside, Mom and Aunt Barbara had cookies and milk set out. Rachel grabbed a couple of water bottles and a few cookies before heading back outside to the front porch.

  “How do you like Lancaster? Are you making friends?”

  Rachel handed him a bottle and looked across the yard. “Yeah. I've made one really good friend at the restaurant. We'll be going to school together.”

  “That's great. I'm sure you'll fit right in.” Tanner stretched out his long legs. “I'll have to introduce you to Eric Matthews. He's one of my best friends and will be graduating with you. I'll try to bring him by the restaurant before school starts. Maybe you'll have some classes together.”

  “Yeah, that would be great.” This certainly wasn't how she expected her last year of high school to turn out. “It's going to be so awkward starting a new school as a senior.”

  “I'm sure. If you need anything, let me know. I'll be right there.”

  “Thanks, Tanner. It's really good to see you again and so nice having family here.”

  When they left an hour later, Rachel stayed on the front porch swing. The afternoon breeze blew her hair, but it didn’t ease the dilemma that had come back in full authority. When Paul came toward the front porch, she stiffened and pressed a hand against her stomach.

  Paul had waited patiently for her family to leave before approaching her. Rachel had seen Anna with him today. He was certain. “Hullo.”

  She hesitated before meeting his gaze. Her expression was cautious, not trusting.

  “Hey.” Her gaze fell back on the bottle top she twisted.

  “How was your visit?”

  An innocent smile crossed her lips. “Good.”

  Paul sat on the swing next to her hoping she wouldn’t mind. She slid over still playing with the drink bottle. Being this close to her triggered strange yearnings.

  He crossed his arms to keep from taking her hand and pushed the swing with his foot. The sudden movement caused her to shift into him. She straightened, placed the bottle on the porch, and tucked her hands beneath her
legs.

  A desire to reach out and hold her manipulated his self-control. He rotated his jaw trying to regain power of his reactions. “What has your thoughts tied up?”

  Rachel was watching him, her lips parted slightly, like she wanted to speak. But her mouth closed. Her eyes were warm, full of questions. And all he could think of was kissing her.

  Could she be experiencing the same longing?

  “I was thinking about Katelyn. And how I miss her already.”

  He had expected some form of confession about seeing him with Anna today. Paul smiled at the relief relaxing the lines on her face. “What about the other cousin? He looks about our age. Will he be going to school with you?”

  “No, he graduated last year. He has a friend who will be though. He's planning to introduce me.”

  “Oh.” He cleared his throat.

  She would have many male friends. Why had this never occurred to him before now? The thought sent another wave of emotion through him. One he didn’t like. Paul had a hard time imagining the rest of the world when he was near her.

  “Oh? What's that supposed to mean?”

  “You’ll probably have so many friends before the year is over, you won’t be able to keep up with them all.” His words were only a disguise attempting to diminish the dark brooding cloud that swept over him.

  “Even in Florida, I only had two close friends.”

  The same battle seemed to rage in her expression. She was curious and wanting and confused and nervous all at once. Just as he was.

  Her face tilted and locks of dark brown waves fell into her face, a few sticking to her lashes as she raised her gaze to meet his.

  Without permission, his hand lifted, touched her forehead just above her eyebrow, and pulled the few strands away. It was challenging to pull back, to stop himself from moving closer than he already was. Paul imagined wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her close, and breathing in the scent of her.

  For many long seconds, neither of them spoke a word.

  He stood, shaking his head. What are you thinking?