I didn’t want to talk to anybody else today.
Peter went to bed two hours ago and from then I’d been here sitting in my room crying. Dr. Maylor told me in our sessions that sometimes you had to just cry off the hurt and emotions that wore you down. It didn’t mean you were weak. It was a way of getting tension out of the soul. I believed her. The problem was I didn’t know what I should do about the pain in my soul.
That was the part that got me. It always did.
Pain.
Hearing the truth tonight was something I had waited to hear for a long time, even though I’d created my own truths on what happened to Cole and me.
Hearing it tonight finally gave me closure. At the same time it enraged me.
Cole forgot that I knew him and he wouldn’t have just came to the conclusion that Brad was only being my big brother and trying to protect me. I knew there was more rawness than that because I knew what Brad was like.
I was trying not to be angry with him. I agreed that he was looking out for me and it was true that he wouldn’t allow anyone to take advantage of me no matter who it was. Nevertheless, it didn’t make it right.
I was willing to bet that without his intervention Cole and I may have had a different story. Sure, I would have been crushed to hear about his ex and her pregnancy, but then we would have probably worked it out. The thing about it was I didn’t know. Nobody knew.
Thinking about it like that made me feel bad because if I never got involved with Porter I wouldn’t have Peter, who I loved like nothing else.
Despite that, I couldn’t help but wonder what could have been. What mistakes could have been avoided. And while I knew Cole wouldn’t have really known the specifics of my divorce, I thought Brad would have said something more to him.
He was the first person I called when I found Porter cheating. I didn’t even call Piper until a few days later. I called Brad and we spoke every day. He flew out to LA and was mad that it happened but he did nothing, didn’t even have words with Porter—who, at the time, was trying to get me back. Brad shocked me when he asked if maybe we could work it out. Then it hit me as he said he didn’t want to make things worse because at the time Porter was on the board of governors, who funded some of the research programs at Remington’s.
It crossed my mind that he didn’t want to make himself look bad by going after a powerful man like that. Someone who could have him fired if he wanted to. I never realized the power my husband had until then. Porter wasn’t just made of money, he had serious power too.
I didn’t push for Brad to do anything because I was so distraught.
Looking back, I knew that if Cole had known what happened to me he would have at least said something in my defense. He would have done the thing I’d expected Brad to do.
So no, I wouldn’t be answering any calls tonight. Tonight was about me airing the garbage from my mind. That was it. I wanted to be better tomorrow.
Better and stronger to face people like Kirk, and Brad too. I was sure I would see him at some point. I would have loved to ask him about the past and basically warning Cole away from me but I thought I’d leave it.
Like I said to Cole, it didn’t matter.
Drying my tears up, I rested my head on the pillow and allowed sleep to take me.
I started the next day by meeting Piper. I planned that the last thing I wanted to do before I moved on was to tell my friend what happened.
We met at the coffeehouse and as I hit her with the update, unraveling the mystery and telling her that I slept with Cole, I watched her reactions go from wildly interested to curious to sadness when I finished off by saying that the chapter was closed.
“Just like that Laila? Honey, no. It can’t end there.” She shook her head. “My ears to God, I knew that man loved you.”
Love…we’d never said those words and I didn’t think we ever would.
“Piper, I mean it. It doesn’t matter. I worked really hard in college to get to where I am. After Vegas I worked my ass off—and yes, I went off the rails by getting involved with Porter—but I worked hard and I’m going to work hard again. Look at all that’s happened to me in the span of five weeks. It’s complicated and I don’t know what the hell Brad’s deal is.”
“Honey, don’t even get me started on that. You’re a calmer woman than me because I would’ve marched over to his house and asked him what the hell he was playing at.”
I sighed and raised my shoulders. “I get it and I don’t disagree. That’s how I feel, but I’m wondering what that would achieve. When I think of it all I’m faced with the fact that Brad knew about this competition for the job and didn’t tell me because it’s protocol. Brad is the boss of my boss. I don’t want shit with him that doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done.”
“Is it though? You’re just done with Cole? What do you think he went to see you about last night? From what you’re saying it sounded like he wanted to give you guys a shot. And Laila, it sounds like he adores Peter. You found a man that will have you and your child. Most men aren’t like that. You always want to know that they’ll love your child and it sounds like you got it.”
I blew out a ragged breath. “I won’t deny it was nice having him around. Peter adores him and I do too. It was nice, but I’m not ready for what being involved with him could do to me. He broke me once before and this time it’s not just me. I can’t deal with the situation right now. I don’t want to.”
I knew as the words came out that I sounded like a coward running away with her tail between her legs. I thought the same way it was fine to run away from a dangerous situation that could get you killed meant it was okay to run from a situation that could break your heart.
“Okay, I understand. I’m here for you.”
“I know this sounds crazy because I was with Cole and it was amazing, but I don’t think I can be with anyone right now.”
She gave me an understanding smile. “Please listen to me when I say this. Remember, you’re sad and conflicted right now. You aren’t always going to feel like this. Even if it’s not Cole, you may meet someone that you click with. If that guy is Cole, don’t let something good pass you by for the sake of fear.”
It was good advice, and sure I’d listen. I wasn’t at that point yet. It felt like I had a bridge to cross before I could get there.
When I first got to work Brad came to see me.
Like the other members of the team, I had a small private office that I was given to work in. That was where he was, standing outside the door waiting for me. Concern was all over his face.
“Laila,” he said, rushing up and giving me a hug.
“Hi.”
“I was so worried. You don’t answer your phone anymore?” He glared at me.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized. Better to take a different strategy with him than the one I’d truly wanted to take. He wouldn’t have liked it. “I fell asleep and it was early when I saw the missed calls. Too early to call you back so I figured I’d come and find you.”
“You had me concerned. I saw you rushing away from Cole’s office yesterday. You looked upset. Then I realized you’d left.”
Great. This was the last thing I needed.
“Oh, that was nothing,” I lied.
“Didn’t look like nothing. What happened?”
“Nothing, seriously. Kirk just upset me with some stuff he said.” Best to lie or tell a portion of the truth. I couldn’t very well tell him I’d left after having sex with Cole in his office.
“I’m gonna be real with you. My head likes Kirk a lot. I gave you a shot at this job.”
“I know. And I’m so, so, grateful.”
“I know you are. I’m up for that promotion and they’ll be taking into account a lot. From my work to those I hire.”
I nodded, seeing where he was going with his little talk. “And you don’t want me to make you look bad,” I filled in.
“Please don’t say it like that. You know it’s not like that, li
ke I’m worried you will, but we have to be real. It’s barely your second week and you running off site the way you did when you’re supposed to be on a trial basis doesn’t look good.”
“I’m really sorry. It won’t happen again.”
“I hope not. The fact that I didn’t tell you about the competition should show you how serious I am about the work here. So I won’t be lenient on you just because you’re my sister. And not when my head likes Kirk. Please try to not have another day like yesterday…and maybe limit your contact with Cole. Keep it professional. People have a way of talking and you don’t want a rep here. Sure, if you need him that’s fine, but leave it at that. If there’s no reason for you to be in his office then don’t go there.”
It was almost like the first time that I was seeing him properly. And what he thought.
“Okay, sure. I won’t let you down,” I promised.
“I know you won’t. Keep your head up and get through this trial. Try to stand on your own two feet first. Cole can do some questionable things sometimes that I don’t agree with. If you get this job I want people to know it was because you worked hard, nothing more.”
Questionable things…
Well that about said it loud and clear.
It was best I held my tongue. In my book it was Brad who had done questionable things.
“Of course, I can assure you that is exactly what people will see. Me working hard. Nothing more.”
“That’s my girl. You got this.” He kissed my cheek and with a nod, walked away.
I watched him go and promised myself working hard was exactly the thing I was going to focus on.
Nothing more.
Laila
St. Michael’s reminded me of being on the set of a hospital drama like ER or Chicago Hope. It had that look and the mixture of different people, patients, doctors, and hospital staff gave it that vibe.
I was excited to get here today, and the first person I met was Dr. Gregory on the research unit. He ran the trials here and his personality was hilarious. By lunchtime he’d already asked three times for me to marry him and told me how we could go on a round-the-world trip on his yacht if I said yes.
I’d met a few of the doctors who’d worked on the unit too and was allocated two patients: Tamar and Richard, who both had brain tumors. They had been doing the nanotech trials for the last six months and were making progress.
The progress was what interested me a lot because of the way that the treatment was administered. I was particularly interested in the rate at which they responded on a higher dosage of the treatment. That was the stage they’d gotten to with Dr. Gregory, who’d just gotten the FDA approval to test at a limit that would allow him to investigate the benefits.
I spent the whole morning going through the two patients’ files before it came time to meet Cole.
Like Brad requested, I’d kept my contact minimal.
We did our morning meetings and that was it for the day.
The people Cole and I were now were different than the ones we were only days ago, who were so involved with each other. And quite honestly I found that it worked better for me.
It was more of a case of being focused and that was what I needed right now. Better to be focused and maintain awareness on what I needed to get done with my project.
In the end it would be the work I did that counted. I needed this time to explore my research and get back into the swing of things.
I met Cole in the staff restaurant. He was walking up the stairs with Ryan. They looked so much alike I could almost mistake them for twins. Ryan gave me a little wave when he saw me and I waved back, then Cole came over.
“Hey, hope you weren’t waiting too long.” He beamed and sat in the chair in front of me.
“No, I got here early. I wanted a banana shake. I had a thing for it while I was pregnant. It hasn’t left me.”
He laughed. “My sister-in-law is pregnant. Ryan is always getting her milkshakes and bon bons. When he’s on call I have to do it.”
“Oh my gosh that’s so cute. I didn’t know you were going to be an uncle.” I felt a little…well, I guess I shouldn’t feel anything. Our last few meetings hadn’t exactly been complete sit around and share visits. The only time was Sunday when we were watching the film and I fell asleep.
“Yep, imagine that. My parents are driving everyone crazy with baby shopping and baby this and that. They love it.”
“That’s nice.”
My parents were the same after they got over the shock of me being pregnant by my professor. It was because Porter was set on marrying me that eased the storm. That and the fact that I was working towards my PhD. I figured it would have been worse if I was younger.
“How’s Peter?”
“Fine, better. Now he’s obsessed with those motorcycles with the sidecar.”
“You’re kidding.” He laughed.
I shook my head. “No, I made the mistake of watching Indiana Jones with him. Who told me to do that?”
“The Last Crusade?” The dimple in his left cheek became more pronounced the wider he grinned.
I nodded. “Yep.”
It was Cole and Brad who got me hooked on Indiana Jones. I got hooked all on my own on Harrison Ford though so if it wasn’t Indiana Jones that was on in our home growing up it was Star Wars, or anything with him in it. “Peter wants to be Indiana Jones and he wants the bike. I’m supposed to ride the bike and put him on the side.”
He laughed harder. “Baby, did you ever learn to ride a bike, as in bicycle?”
Bashfully, I glanced away and shook my head, giggling. “No. That is so lame, right?”
“It’s okay, we can’t be good at everything.”
“Most people can ride a bike and they even have that saying, ‘it’s like riding a bike.’ I just suck at it.”
“I’m gonna have to agree, but…I won’t hold it against you.”
“Thank you. Now I just have to find a way to get my son off his motorcycle obsession.”
He shook his head. “You can’t look at me. I eat, sleep, and drink motorcycles and always have.”
“This is true.”
Of course, it made me swoon over him even more when I was younger. Who was I kidding? I would do it now.
It was hard to look at him and talk to him knowing the truth. He’d wanted to be with me.
I shook the thought out of my head.
“Are you okay otherwise?”
“Yeah I am. I think so. Being at work helps a lot.”
“Good. Does um…Porter ever contact you? Or, I mean…I’m sorry, I shouldn’t pry. It’s just I kind of feel like I never got to defend you.”
It meant a lot to hear him say that.
“Thank you. I appreciate that. And no, he doesn’t contact me. Our relationship was weird. He’d gone from focusing on us to not caring after the divorce. He stopped caring when it was clear I wouldn’t take him back, then when he lost his job it just pushed him away. I haven’t heard from him in two years.”
“Wow. How are you managing? Are you okay for money?”
I smiled. “I’m okay financially, don’t worry. My parents have been amazing on that front.” It was them who bought the house for us. They didn’t want me to have to worry about bills or anything. They just wanted me to get out of LA when I mentioned coming home. I stayed too long after Porter left anyway.
“What about managing?”
“I’ll get there. It’s been hard for the last two years. But I’ll get there.”
“The more I hear about this guy the worse I want to find him and beat the crap out of him.”
”I’d let you but I have no idea where he is.”
“Oh believe me I’d find him, could be the moon and I’d still do it.”
That was the reaction I’d expected from Brad.
“Thanks, I appreciate it.”
“It doesn’t sit well with me. Anyway, I guess talking about happier things is in order. For today I thought we’d meet here
. Next week we’ll be in the center. I thought today could just be more laid back so we could talk about your research. Now that you’ve been in the environment and seen it in action, it will be different for you.”
“I actually love it here. And yes, it is different.” Talking about the research definitely lifted my spirits.
“I’m hearing good things about you.”
“Oh good.”
“They really like you and Dr. Gregory told me I should make it a point to tell you he’s not saying that because he wants to marry you.”
I started to laugh. “He is quite the character.”
“I feel like I should have warned you about him. He can be very eccentric.” He chuckled.
“I’m glad he liked me.”
“He does. He said he likes your ideas and your mindset.”
That was really great to hear. “Did he?”
“Uh huh. He said that and in those words. So far I know you’re interested in the way nanotech is used in conjunction with how they’re treating tumors and degenerative diseases. So now you can tell me a little more about what you want to research.”
Again, I was surprised at how well he could switch into business mode.
It was a skill I needed to learn too.
“Thanks. My goal is kind of twofold really. I liked that they’re trying to provide the treatment with higher dosages, but ultimately I was thinking of how the higher dosage could be used for other things. There’s a few research papers on studies done on animals that show regeneration and healing with a higher dosage of nanobites for various kinds of treatments. This will be the first environment where I get to see the higher dosage being used in humans.”
He raised his brows. “Damn Laila, that’s good.”
“Thanks. That’s just my interest long term. I’ll see what happens as the weeks and months go by. I’m just kind of borrowing from how nanotech is used to help repair certain areas of the body. It may show us more than we bargained for. But…I thought for the research project, I’ll keep it simple and focused on benefits of nanotech in treating patients with complex tumors.”
Cole Page 9
