Thoughtful

by S. C. Stephens

  With each word I spoke, the next word was easier. Before I knew it, I was rambling in between brief, heartfelt kisses. “I love you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. The women…I was so scared to touch you. You didn’t want me…I couldn’t take the pain. I tried to get over you. Every time with them, I was with you. I’m so sorry…I love you.”

  I didn’t know if I was getting through to her. I didn’t know if I was making sense, but I needed her forgiveness. I’d done so much wrong. “Forgive me…please. I tried to forget you. It didn’t work…I just wanted you more. God, I’ve missed you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’ve never wanted anyone like I want you. Every girl is you to me. You’re all I see…you’re all I want. I want you so much. I want you forever. Forgive me…I love you so much.”

  Kiera’s breath increased, and our kisses became heated, intense and passionate, just like everything about us. “God, I love you. I need you. Forgive me. Stay with me. Say you need me too. Say you want me too. Please…be mine.”

  Reality snapped back into me as I begged for her love. She’d been silent this entire time. She hadn’t said a word in response, besides my name. What did that mean? Was she okay with what I was saying? Was she surprised how much I cared about her? Was she ambivalent? Did she care about me at all? What was she thinking…?

  “Kiera…?”

  She tried to speak, but no words came out. Calming herself, she closed her eyes. I could see the tears squeezing through her eyelashes, but I didn’t know what that meant either. She didn’t say anything for a long time, and she didn’t open her eyes. I guess that was my answer. She didn’t feel what I felt. She didn’t love me. I’d poured my heart out for nothing. No, not for nothing. I’d opened myself up to someone, and I’d never done that before. That had to count for something.

  I pulled away from her and her eyes finally opened. She grabbed my arm, stopping me. I felt my eyes stinging as I looked down at her. Was this the moment she broke my heart again? Could I stomach it? I really didn’t feel like I could. A tear in my eye trickled down my skin. Kiera brushed it away, then cupped my cheek and pulled me closer. Our lips met, and my heart soared and cracked.

  “Kiera…” I pulled away. I needed words from her right now, not actions.

  Her eyes were as wet as mine as she stared up at me. She swallowed a harsh lump in her throat, then she finally spoke. “You were always right—we’re not friends. We’re so much more. I want to be with you, Kellan. I want to be yours. I am yours.”

  She wasn’t saying it as directly as I had…but I understood. She did love me. She didn’t want to, but she did, and she didn’t want to fight it anymore. She was mine. Finally.

  Chapter 26

  Here’s My Heart

  I moved over her again, returned my mouth to hers. I kissed her with everything I had, my entire soul, but still…I held a part of me back. She could change her mind at any second. She could crush me with a word. I wanted to be prepared for her rejection; maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so much.

  My body trembled with restraint, and every place she touched me burned with painful need. She was everything I wanted, everything I needed, everything I hoped for. She ran her fingers down my back, then swept my shirt over my head. I ran my fingers up her skin, taking her shirt with them. I wanted us to be laid bare, no barriers between us. Not anymore. But I didn’t want to spook Kiera, so I kept my movements teasingly slow.

  Her fingers caressed my bare back, then swept along my side, to the scar I had along my ribs from when I had protected her. The healing wound was a small price to pay for her. I’d gladly pay it again. More if I had to. I’d give my life for her.

  I felt her exposed shoulders, let the pads of my fingers run across her bra and down to her waist. I wanted so much more, but I didn’t know if she was ready. I didn’t know if she’d 100 percent meant what she’d said.

  Shifting my weight, I brought my hands to the waistband of her jeans. I desperately wanted this, but I couldn’t handle another no. I’d explode. I needed some sort of assurance from her that this was okay. As if she heard my musings, Kiera whispered, “I’m yours…don’t stop.”

  Her hips wriggled in a way that let me know, without a doubt, that she wanted this. She was mine. I had nothing to fear. There wouldn’t be a rejection this time.

  With a relieved exhale, I began working on her jeans in earnest. Yes, this was going to happen. We were going to give ourselves to each other. Everything was going to be fine.

  Kiera unfastened my jeans while I did hers. Once hers were undone, I started pulling them off her. Adoration radiating from my chest in waves of happiness, I murmured, “Kiera, I love you,” then placed a soft kiss on her neck.

  As I was nuzzling against her neck, I heard her quiet voice, “Kellan, wait…just a min—”

  I didn’t even let her finish saying our code phrase for “back off.” “Kiera…” I groaned. Disappointment warred with grief in my body as I relaxed my hold on her jeans and slumped against her. Had she really done this to me again? “Oh…my…God. Are you serious?” I rocked my head against her shoulder; at the same time I was both shocked and not surprised at all. “Please don’t do this again. I can’t take it.”

  Her voice was apologetic, but firm. “No, I’m not…but—”

  Incredulous, I lifted my head to look at her. “But?” The sudden stop in the proceedings was starting to give me a stomachache. It was an ache I was getting all too familiar with when it came to Kiera. Irritation boiled a path through my disappointment. “You do realize that if you keep doing this to my body, I will never be able to have children?”

  Kiera pressed her lips together, but she couldn’t stop the giggle that escaped. Pulling back to look at her, I frowned. I really hadn’t been kidding. “I’m glad you find that funny…”

  Still laughing, humor and happiness lightening her eyes to a peaceful shade of sea-green, she ran a finger down my cheek and said, “If we are going to do this…if I’m going to be with you…it’s not going to be on the floor in the back room of Pete’s.”

  Her eyes scanned the area and I relaxed. She wasn’t rejecting me, just our current location, and I could understand that. This wasn’t exactly the most romantic, or comfortable, place in the world. I could wait to be with her again, but I couldn’t resist a chance to tease her.

  With a soft kiss, I whispered, “Now you object to being with me on a dirty floor?” Giving her a fake frown that I hoped was charming, I added, “Did you…did you just get me to pour my heart out to you…so you could get me naked again?”

  Kiera laughed, then gently grabbed my face. “God, I missed you. I missed that.”

  Content, I stroked her stomach as I gazed at her. “Missed what?”

  “You…your humor, your smile, your touch, your…everything.”

  There was so much tenderness in her voice, it seared me. “I missed you so much, Kiera.”

  I watched the emotions sliding over her face, then I leaned down and kissed her. An idea struck me and I pulled back to look at her with a playful grin. “You know…there are other options for this room besides the floor.”

  Her smile matched mine. She was enjoying this. “Really?” she asked.

  “Yeah…” Looking around the room, I imagined all the various places and positions Kiera and I could use to discover each other. “Table…chair…shelf…wall?” My smile was devilish when I returned my gaze to her. All of those places sounded fabulous to me, and at the same time, none of them were good enough for her. I wanted to lay her down on a bed. Nothing else would do.

  With a laugh and a shake of her head, Kiera murmured, “Just kiss me.”

  Now here was something I could do. “Yes, ma’am.” Moving my lips to taste the soft skin of her neck, I muttered, “Tease.”

  Her response was equally playful. “Whore.”

  She kissed my still stinging cheek as a throaty laugh escaped me. A light knock filtered through the room, but I wasn’t about to stop what I was doing. While Kiera let out a satisf
ied noise, I lightly ran the tip of my tongue up her throat and over her chin. That was when the door burst open.

  Startled, I lifted my head to see Evan stepping into the room. “Jesus, Evan…you scared the shit out of me!” I said with a laugh.

  Evan had his hands over his eyes as he closed the door behind him. “Uh, sorry, man. I know you two are…uh, I need to talk to you, Kellan.”

  Evan dropped his hand and looked away. I was shielding Kiera’s body with my own, so I was sure he couldn’t see much, but out of respect, he wasn’t looking. I appreciated that, but I didn’t see what he possibly needed to talk to me about now. Surely it could wait.

  “Your timing kind of stinks, man.”

  He flicked a quick glance at me before averting his eyes again. I felt Kiera clinging to me even tighter; she was embarrassed, and probably hating this exchange. Evan shook his head. “Sorry…but you’re going to thank my timing in about ten seconds.”

  I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but I was sure he didn’t need to be here. “Really, Evan, can’t this wait, like ten—” Kiera nudged my ribs. When I glanced down, her cheeks were rosy, but she had a playful gleam in her eye. Looking back up at Evan, I changed my answer, “Twenty minutes?” Kiera giggled.

  “Denny’s here.” Evan’s tone was flat, ominous, and his words echoed around the room.

  While Kiera whispered, “What?” I sat up. Straddling Kiera’s hips, I let out a curse as I handed her her shirt. She quickly slipped it on. Why did Denny have to show up now? The one person we needed to stay away…

  Evan finally looked our way, and held my gaze. “Unless you want tonight to get…even more interesting, Kiera needs to leave and you need to stay and talk to me.”

  Nodding, I found my shirt. He was right, of course. Denny didn’t deserve to find out like this…to see us like this. Slipping my shirt on, I looked back at Evan. “Thank you…”

  Evan’s smile was sad. “See…I knew you’d thank me.”

  I stood up, then helped Kiera to her feet. She started hyperventilating while we adjusted our clothes. I knew she was freaking out. I was freaking out. But I put my hands on her shoulders to calm her down. He wasn’t finding out today…today we were okay. “It’s fine…it will be fine.”

  All peace and playfulness were gone from her—her eyes were wide, her breaths fast. She looked on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It reminded me how much Denny meant to her. To us. “But the whole bar…they all saw that, they’ll be talking. He’ll know something.”

  She had a point, but in her state, I couldn’t let her know that. “He’ll know we had a fight…that’s it.” I could hear Evan shifting his weight; he was antsy, ready for Kiera to leave. The longer she stayed, the better the chances were that we’d be discovered. “You should go, before he comes back here looking for you.”

  Kiera was reluctant, reminding me how much I meant to her. “Okay…”

  She turned to leave and I grabbed her arm. “Kiera…” I pulled her in for a kiss that left us both breathless, then I released her.

  The door shutting after Kiera felt thunderous. I wasn’t sure if that was my nerves or some sort of foreshadowing. I loved Kiera, and now she knew it. She loved Denny, but she loved me too; I saw it in her eyes. She wasn’t going to deny us anymore, but she wouldn’t deny him either. The three of us were going to be some odd, fucked-up family. I had no idea how this could possibly end well.

  Now that Evan and I were alone in the room, the air seemed to thicken. Tension settled around us. I knew he was looking at me; I could feel his eyes warming the spot on my cheek where Kiera had slapped the living hell out of me. Staring at the door and wishing Kiera would step back through it wasn’t doing me any good, so with a deep inhale, I turned my head to look at Evan. He crossed his arms over his chest and lifted an eyebrow.

  “What?” I asked, knowing full well exactly what his problem with me was.

  Letting out a sigh that was heavy with disapproval, he shook his head. “What were you thinking, Kell? Denny’s girl? How could you go there?”

  I dropped my head, but only for an instant. He didn’t know what she meant to me. He didn’t know how hard I’d tried. “I fell in love. I didn’t want to, trust me, but it happened anyway.” I looked back to the door. “It happened, and now we’re all screwed.”

  “What are you going to do?” he quietly asked me. That was the real question, wasn’t it?

  “I don’t know.” I looked back to his face. His expression had softened into compassion, like he really did get it, but he didn’t know what I should do either. “I can’t let her go, Evan. I tried. I tried to stay away, I tried to forget her. I tried to ignore what was happening between us, but it’s not possible. She’s with me everywhere I go, and then, when I see her…touch her…” Sighing, I scrubbed my face with my hands. “I don’t know what to do.”

  Evan found a couple of chairs stacked along the wall and pulled them over. He sat down, then patted for me to sit beside him. He was quiet for several minutes, then he said, “You kind of screwed yourself into a corner, Kell, but…it’s Denny. You should tell him.”

  Leaning over my knees, I dropped my head into my hands. “How can I tell him that I’m in love with his girlfriend? That she means more to me than…How can I tell him about any of this? He’d hate me…”

  Evan let out another sigh. “And you don’t think he’s going to hate you when he finds out some other way? And you know it’s going to get out there, don’t you? You can’t keep a lid on this forever, and if it doesn’t come from you…” He sighed again. “It should come from you. You’re the only one who can fix this.”

  I glanced up at him. “By breaking it?”

  He lifted a corner of his lip. “It’s already broken. Denny just doesn’t realize it yet.”

  I stared at him for long moments. He was right, but I didn’t want to admit it, and I didn’t want to think about hurting Denny. I didn’t want to think about anything. All I wanted to do was replay those magical words that Kiera had spoken to me just a few minutes ago. I’m yours.

  Keeping the smile from my face, I stared at my hands. Evan must have seen something though. “She really makes you happy, doesn’t she?”

  I nodded. “And miserable, all at the same time.” I peeked up at him. “Who knew a girl could do that to a person?”

  Laughing, he patted me on the back. “I could have told you that. Nothing messes you up quite like a girl.” Evan glanced toward the closed door, and I wondered if he was thinking about Jenny. For once, I didn’t bug him about her though. I had my own problems.

  “Tell me about her,” he said, his face curious but nonjudgmental. “How did you get together? When did you know you loved her?”

  I inhaled a deep breath, wondering if I should tell him what had happened between us, but a smile spread on my face as I thought about Kiera, and the words gushed from me as easily as water releasing from a dam. I’d been holding this in for far too long.

  Evan let me talk with practically no interruptions. He asked a question every so often, and sometimes he’d frown or shake his head, but he kept most of his comments to himself. When I was finished, he knew almost everything. The only comment he made when I was done was “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

  I looked away. “I knew what you’d say. That she wasn’t mine, and I couldn’t go there, and…I didn’t want to hear it.” I flashed a glance his way. “Honestly, I still don’t, but it’s kind of too late now.”

  Evan cracked a smile. “Yeah. Cat’s out of the bag, right?”

  I cringed as I remembered my angry outburst. God, I could be such a dick sometimes. Evan chuckled beside me, then said, “Despite it all, I think you’re a good person, Kellan, and I know you’ll do the right thing.”

  Even though I wasn’t so sure that I even knew what the right thing was, I nodded. My mind drifted to Kiera, and I focused Evan’s statement on her. If I took Denny out of the equation, what would be the right thing between the two of us? Th
at question was actually an easy one. Honesty was what we needed. The air needed to be cleared, walls needed to be torn down. I needed to show her the deepest parts of me and hope that didn’t scare her off. But I’d already shown her plenty of darkness, and she was still mine, so I felt okay exposing my innermost soul to her. For the first time in my life, I wanted to open up to someone…about everything.

  And I knew the perfect spot to do it. The place I’d once promised to take her—the Space Needle. Arrangements would need to be made, but luckily I knew exactly who to talk to in order to make them…the head of security was a fan of the band. I was going to owe Zeke a serious favor after this, but it was worth it. She was worth it.

  After I was finished making preparations, I returned to Pete’s and parked across the street. It was a while before Kiera was off work, but I wanted to be ready in case she was let go early. When she finally exited the bar with Jenny, I got out of my car. Wondering if she’d notice me watching her, I leaned against the door with my arms folded across my chest. Stopping in her tracks, she stared at me like she was seeing a ghost. I had to smile at her reaction. Did she really think I wouldn’t give her a ride home?

  After saying a few words to Kiera, Jenny gave me a wave, then headed to her car. Eager to reunite, Kiera bounded across the lot to me. Her approach warmed me in a way I couldn’t articulate. It sounded completely cheesy, but she completed me.

  She was grinning ear to ear when I took her hand and led her around to the other side of the car. With the radiant energy emanating from each of us, it was almost like we hadn’t seen each other in days, not hours. She missed me.

  When I slid into my side of the car, Kiera pursed her lips into an obviously fake frown, like she was put out with me. I could tell she was actually feeling playful though, so I decided to go along with it. “What? I haven’t been around you for hours. What could I have possibly done?”