Thoughtful

by S. C. Stephens

  Even though I was giving her a lopsided smile, Kiera’s expression didn’t change. “I’ve been dwelling on something you did earlier…for hours.”

  Wondering which part of tonight she was referring to, I tilted my head. “I did quite a bit…can you be more specific?”

  She bit back a laugh, then a genuine pout darkened her face. “Oh…God…please.” Smacking my arm, she whined, “How could you mock me like that in front of Evan and Jenny? That was so embarrassing!”

  Laughing, I leaned away from her attack. “Ow! Sorry. I was making a point.”

  “I think you made it, asshole!” After one last smack, she crossed her arms over her chest.

  I laughed. “I think I’m a bad influence—you’re starting to swear as much as I do.”

  With a smirk, Kiera cuddled up to my side, right where she belonged. I loved having her next to me. I loved teasing her too, but I did feel bad for embarrassing her. Knowing she wouldn’t do it, but loving the vision of her making sensuous noises, I said, “You can mimic me sometime if you like?”

  As I could have predicted, her cheeks filled with color at the idea of imitating me during sex. In a hushed voice, she commented that my performance was a good one, and I confessed that it wasn’t my first time doing it. Kiera seemed surprised by my confession, and I laughed at the look on her face. Wondering if a part of her had enjoyed hearing me make intimate sounds, and wondering if I could both tease her and turn her on, I tilted my head and said, “You are right…that wasn’t very fair of me. Here, I’ll do me…”

  Putting my arms around her, I pressed my lips against her ear and proceeded to mimic a needy groan. Breath heavy, I slowly elongated my words. “Oh…God…yes.” I added a whimper on the end and Kiera spun to face me, grabbed my neck, and pulled me in for a voracious kiss. Guess I hadn’t lost my touch.

  I considered letting this kiss take us over, riling us up to the point where I laid her down on the seat and took her right here. But someone was waiting for us, and sex with her wasn’t what I had in mind tonight. Pulling away, I gave her a playful smile. “Can we do something?”

  “Yes,” she moaned, reaching for my lips again.

  A smirk broke over me as I avoided contact with her. “Do you need a minute?”

  She wasn’t happy about my amusement or my question. She smacked my arm again and her cheeks turned bright red. Then, looking a little grumpy, she asked what I had in mind while I started the car.

  Finding her disappointment funny, I laughed out, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to get you all…riled up.” When she raised an eyebrow in disbelief, I laughed. Yeah, you got me. “Okay…yeah, maybe I did. But right now, I want to show you something.” Something you’re going to love.

  She nodded, and I pulled away from the street.

  Once Kiera figured out we were heading downtown, she asked me where we were going. “Well, I did promise you that we’d go up the Space Needle,” I answered.

  Her expression was blank while she processed that. “Kellan…it’s two in the morning, it’s closed.”

  With a smile and a wink, I assured her that everything was fine. I knew people, and those people were going to let us in…for a price.

  I found a spot to park, then grabbed her hand and walked her over to where the iconic landmark was looming above us. It felt amazing to hold her hand again. I hadn’t realized just how much I’d missed it, and just how unsatisfying all of my pseudo-Kieras had been. Nothing compared to the real thing.

  Expecting our arrival, thanks to Zeke, the guard on duty met us at the base of the Needle. Reaching into my pocket, I handed him the couple of hundreds that I’d grabbed from my rainy-day fund at the house. It was a pricey trip up the Needle, but it was worth every penny. And what else did I have to use my parents’ money on? It wasn’t like I needed much. Just Kiera.

  Satisfied, the guard led us up to the elevators. Kiera noticed the payoff. Eyes wide, she whispered, “How much did you give him?” as the elevator doors closed.

  I told her not to worry about it. The house wasn’t the only thing my parents had left me. There had also been life insurance policies, savings accounts, and a lifetime of abuse and neglect. There was always that.

  The elevator started rising and Kiera gasped and pressed herself against the wall. The elevator’s glass doors gave its riders an impressive view of the city, but it was clear from the absence of color on Kiera’s face that she wasn’t entirely enjoying it. Grabbing her chin, I tilted her head so she was looking at me, not the ground we were leaving behind. “You’re completely safe, Kiera.”

  I gave her a soft kiss, which led to a deeper kiss, which led to a breathless kiss. The guard cleared his throat, and that was when I noticed that the elevator had stopped. Oops. “I guess we’re here,” I said with a laugh.

  Patting the guard on the back, I grabbed Kiera’s hands and led her out of the elevator. Her cheeks were flushed with residual embarrassment from being caught, but it only made her even more attractive. Once the elevator closed again, the room darkened. Since technically the Needle wasn’t open to visitors right now, all the regular lighting was off. Only a couple of emergency lights remained on. It made the glow of the city around us seem that much brighter, and I pulled Kiera to the edge of the inner observatory.

  She paused to take it all in. “Kellan…wow…it’s beautiful.”

  Leaning against the railing, I paused to take her in. “Yes, it is.” Opening my arms wide, I added, “Come here.”

  She walked over and wrapped her arms around me, and I looped mine around her. Content with her in my arms, I shifted my gaze to take in the lights of the city. It really was magnificent up here.

  I could feel Kiera’s eyes on me. After a moment of inspection, she whispered, “Why me?” I wasn’t sure how this conversation would begin, but explaining why she’d caught my eye seemed as good a place as any.

  Shifting my gaze to her, I smiled. “You have no idea how attractive you are to me. I kind of like that.” It was just one of the many things about her that made her different. Kiera blushed in a beautifully modest way, and I paused as I pondered how to explain everything to her. “It was you and Denny…your relationship.”

  I knew that wouldn’t make sense to her, so I wasn’t surprised when she frowned. “What do you mean?” she asked, threading her fingers through the hair above my ear. Suddenly faced with opening my heart, I felt my nerves spring to life and I looked back over the city. I wasn’t sure if I could do this. Kiera grabbed my cheek and made me look at her. She wanted me to stop hiding; she wanted an answer. “What do you mean, Kellan?”

  With a sigh, I looked down. I couldn’t stay quiet anymore. Not with her. I needed to open up and tell her everything. Show her everything. Hopefully it didn’t hurt too much, although it couldn’t hurt as much as the thought of losing her. “I can’t explain this properly, without…without clarifying something Evan said.”

  Kiera thought for a moment, then said, “When you told him, quite rudely, by the way, to back off?”

  Wishing we were already past this part and she already knew, I murmured, “Yeah.”

  “I don’t understand—what does that have to do with me?”

  I shook my head with a sad smile. “Nothing…everything.”

  She seemed amused by that. “Eventually you’re going to start making sense, right?”

  I laughed and looked out over the skyline. “Yeah…just give me a minute.” Or three, or four. I can do this…

  Respecting my wishes, Kiera put her head on my shoulder and held me tight. As I held her head in place and rubbed her back, I felt my unease dissolving. This wasn’t just anyone I was opening up to. This was Kiera. She had my heart, every corner of it, so what did it matter if she knew about the darkness that surrounded me? She would love me anyway. I was sure of that. My secrets were safe with her. I was safe with her.

  I began quietly, because it was the only way I could get the words out. “You and Evan were right about the women. I’ve been�
��using them…for years.” I’d been too angry at the time to admit it to myself when Evan had cornered me about it in the back room, but now I could clearly see what I’d been doing to women my entire life as I’d aimlessly searched for a connection with someone. Anyone. I’d used them to make myself feel better. To make myself feel worthwhile, even if it was just for a moment.

  Kiera had an odd, hurt expression on her face. “For years? Not just because of me?”

  Smiling, I tucked some hair behind her ear. “No…although that certainly made it worse.” So much worse. I’d been completely obsessed with finding a distraction, a replacement. I’d been so stupid. There was no replacing her.

  Kiera shifted her stance, a little uncomfortable. “You shouldn’t use people, Kellan…for any reason.”

  I found that response ironic, and I called her on it. “You didn’t use me, to block out Denny our first time?” I knew she had. The way she’d been drowning her sorrows in alcohol…she’d gulped me down with just as much ferocity. She’d used me to abolish Denny in her mind. Embarrassed by the truth, Kiera averted her eyes. I grabbed her chin and made her look at me again. “It’s okay, Kiera. I suspected that.”

  Letting her go, I looked out over the water on the other side of the Needle. “It didn’t stop me from believing we might have had a chance, though. I spent that whole damn day wandering around the city, trying to figure out how to tell you…how much I loved you, without sounding like an idiot.”

  “Kellan…”

  While Kiera said my name, memories of every place I’d gone that day flooded me. I’d been so scared to tell her how I felt that I had left her alone, and probably believing that I didn’t care about her at all. No wonder she’d instantly taken Denny back. She’d probably thought I was an unfeeling asshole.

  Returning my eyes to her, I confessed my pain. “God…when you went right back to him, like we were nothing at all, that killed me. I knew it…The minute I finally came home, and heard you two upstairs, I knew we didn’t have a chance.” I couldn’t keep the remembered anger from my voice.

  Kiera blinked when I was finished. “You heard us?” she asked, confused. I had given her some lie about seeing his jacket, if I was recalling that night correctly. I’d been pretty wasted.

  Looking down, I cringed. I probably should have left that out. “Oh…yeah. I came back and heard you guys in your room, getting…reacquainted. That…pretty much sucked. I grabbed a fifth, headed to Sam’s, and, well, you know how that turned out.” With me shit-faced.

  By the shock in her voice, it was clear she hadn’t known any of that. “Kellan, God, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong, Kiera.” I glanced at her, then looked away. “I was such a dick to you afterwards. I’m sorry about that.” Kiera grimaced when I gave her a sheepish smile. Apparently, she agreed with me. “I’m sorry, I tend to lose the filter on my mouth when I’m angry…and no one seems to be able to make me angrier than you.” Wasn’t that the truth?

  With a humorless laugh, Kiera raised an eyebrow at me. “I’ve noticed that.” I laughed at her comment and her expression changed. “You were always right though. And I did kind of deserve your…harshness.”

  Quieting, I cupped her cheek. “No, you didn’t. You never deserved the things I said to you.”

  “I was horribly…misleading to you,” she said, guilt and sadness drawing down her features.

  “You didn’t know I loved you,” I whispered, stroking her cheek.

  Her eyes were a liquid green when she looked up at me. “I knew you cared for me. I was…callous.”

  Callous? I suppose I could give her that much. There were times when she’d been coarse with me. And vice versa. To soften the blow of agreeing with her, I gave her a small smile and a kiss. “True. But we seem to have gotten off track. I believe we were talking about my messed-up psyche.”

  Shaking away the seriousness of the moment, she let out a brief laugh. “Right, your…whoring.”

  “Ouch.” I laughed at her comment, gathered my courage, then pulled off the bandage that had been holding my splintered heart together for far too long. “I suppose I should start with the whole tortured-childhood speech…”

  She tried to stop me from telling her things that she knew would bring me pain, but I needed her to know the whole story, the one I didn’t tell anyone, not even Denny. I prepped her with “You’re going to find it funny.”

  She disagreed, and I supposed she was right. It wasn’t ha-ha funny, but it was interesting. For us, at least. “Well, okay, maybe not funny…coincidental, then.”

  When she gave me a confused expression, I slowly began my story. It was difficult, but I started peeling back the lies that were wrapped around me, started showing her the skeletons that I’d pretended my entire life weren’t there. “It seems that my mother was…enamored with my father’s best friend. So when dear old Dad had to leave town for several months…some family emergency thing back East…you can imagine his surprise when he came back home to find his blushing bride pregnant.”

  Kiera’s mouth fell open, and I could tell she’d instantly spotted the similarities to our own situation. By the shock on Kiera’s face, she hadn’t suspected my dad wasn’t my real dad. No one did. That was our family’s greatest secret, and biggest shame, and it wasn’t something we openly discussed. With anyone. And it was the main reason why neither one of them loved me.

  Chapter 27

  Preparing for Reality

  I felt like a weight had been lifted when we left the Needle. There weren’t any secrets between us anymore; Kiera knew everything about me. She knew what I’d done, and she knew why I’d done it. She knew the real reason why my parents had treated me with such disdain. She knew it all. A part of me still feared that Kiera would reject me, but right now, all was right in the world.

  The air was crisp and cold as Kiera and I walked back to my car in the parking lot. The chill in the breeze was an unspoken reminder that winter was just around the corner. I welcomed the change though. As the temperature dropped, surely Kiera and I would heat up. Since all the walls between us had come down, there was nothing keeping us from each other. I might have to share her with Denny, but at least I wasn’t losing her. As sad as it sounded, as long as I got to keep a part of her heart as my own, I was okay with sharing her body. At least, that was what I was telling myself. Over and over if I needed to. I can do this.

  To shift the focus of my thoughts before they got too dark, I looked over at Kiera with a serious expression. When we reached the car, I stopped and said, “There is one more thing I wanted to talk to you about.”

  She instantly tensed. “What?”

  Shifting my intense face to a breezy grin, I told her, “I can’t believe you stole my car…really?”

  Kiera laughed, which I didn’t find amusing, but I did find charming. Then she cringed, and I knew she was remembering the events that had led up to the carjacking. “You kind of deserved it at the time. You’re lucky it came back to you in one piece,” she said, poking my chest.

  I knew I hadn’t really done anything wrong, but I also knew how much it would have torn me up if I’d witnessed Kiera in that position with Denny. I can do this. Not wanting to dwell on the negative aspect of our relationship, I made myself stay in a humorous frame of mind. “Hmmmm…in the future, could you just slap me again, and leave my baby alone?”

  With a playful frown, I opened her door. She placed a foot inside, then grabbed my chin. “In the future, could you not go on anymore ‘dates’?”

  Her voice sounded playful, but the look in her eye wasn’t. She was seriously asking this of me. She wanted me to be faithful to her, while she split her love between Denny and me. Grief struck me for a moment, that I couldn’t have exactly what I wanted with her, but I pushed it back. Anything was good enough.

  Grinning, I gave her a light kiss. “Yes, ma’am.” Shaking my head at the chaos of my life, I walked around to my side of the car.

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nbsp; Kiera snuggled into my side on the drive home. We held hands as she rested her head on my shoulder, and I stroked her long, slender fingers. Peaceful. That was the only word I could use to describe how I felt. Or maybe blissful, euphoric, satisfied. Except…that wasn’t entirely true. Whenever I dug a little deeper, I touched a nerve of pain. She still isn’t mine…

  I wanted to feel peace right now though, so I stopped digging into my soul, stopped overthinking the situation. Delusional happiness was better than none.

  When my house came into view, a pang of reality went through me. The joy we’d found tonight would be tested when we stepped through that door. I’d have to wrestle with the idea of sharing her; Kiera would have to wrestle with the idea of willingly betraying the man she loved. And I couldn’t deny that she loved Denny. Through all of this, that had never changed. For either one of us. He deserved so much better than both of us.

  As we cuddled in my car parked in the driveway, I thought over everything I’d felt since Kiera had arrived—the ups, the downs, the dreams, nightmares, fantasies. She’d permeated every aspect of my life, from waking to sleeping. It was a bit remarkable to me that a person could become so entangled with another person’s psyche that it was impossible to remove them. Traces of Kiera were permanently seared into the very essence of my being.

  Kissing her head, I murmured, “I dream about you sometimes…about what it would have been like if Denny hadn’t come back, if you were mine. Holding your hand, walking into the bar with you on my arm…not having to hide anything anymore. Telling the world that I love you.”

  Smiling, she looked up at me. “You mentioned that you dreamed about me once. You never said about what though.” She kissed my cheek, then added, “I dream about you too sometimes.”

  “Really?” That surprised me, and made me really happy. I’d kind of thought that I slipped her mind the moment I was out of her sight. “Huh, we’re kind of pathetic, aren’t we?”