Thoughtful

by S. C. Stephens

  “I do!” she exclaimed, cutting me off.

  I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. I was terrified that if I did anything or said anything, Kiera would take back the words she’d just said. And I didn’t want her to take them back. I’d been waiting my entire life to hear those words, to hear that someone wanted me more than anyone else. I hadn’t realized, until this very moment, just how badly I’d wanted to be chosen. And now I was scared to death that that was going to be taken away from me.

  Kiera stared at me for achingly long seconds. My heart thudded against my rib cage while I waited for her to speak, to take it back, to rip everything I’d ever wanted away from me. Kill me, Kiera…or save me.

  A slow smile spread over Kiera’s face. It did nothing to calm the anxiety building inside me. “I do choose you, Kellan.” Her brows drew together as she searched my face. “Do you understand me?”

  Did I? She was choosing me. She wanted me. She was…mine? She was really mine? I get…to keep her. I get to love her. I get to have this? It all felt so wrong, so unbelievable, so temporary…but…what if it wasn’t?

  Rolling her onto her back, I pressed my body against hers, grabbed her face, and lowered my mouth to hers. Finally. We were panting, frantic and eager. She ran her hands through my hair, igniting me. I ripped off her tank top. Nothing would be between us now. I pulled off my shirt, then her pants. I was working on my jeans when Kiera breathlessly pulled away from me.

  “What happened to your…rules?” she asked, surprised by my sudden intensity.

  “I never was good at following rules. And I never could say no to your begging anyway…” Leaning in, I kissed her neck. My neck. I would never share her again.

  I kicked off my jeans, then sought her lips. “Wait…” She gently pushed me back. “I thought you didn’t want to do this…here.”

  She glanced at my closed bedroom door, but I didn’t follow her line of sight. I wasn’t concerned about Denny anymore. She was my girlfriend now, my lover, my…everything. The outside world no longer existed. She had chosen me, and I wanted to make love to her. Now. So that was exactly what I was going to do.

  Slipping my fingers into her underwear, feeling how ready she was for me, I growled in her ear, “If I’m yours, and you’re mine…then I will take you, wherever and whenever I can.”

  My words, my fingers, made her moan. Grabbing my face, she made me look at her again. “I love you, Kellan.”

  Her words softened my face, my voice, my heart, and my soul. “I love you too, Kiera.” So much. “I will make you so happy.” You won’t regret leaving him for me. I promise.

  Biting her lip, desire in her eyes, she started tugging off my boxers. “Yes, I know you will.”

  I knew what she meant by the look in her eye and the throatiness to her voice. While that wasn’t exactly what I’d meant by my promise, it worked too. In every way possible, I would make her very happy.

  Chapter 30

  How to Hurt Someone

  Covering myself more completely with my blankets, I smiled in the stillness of the dark. She chose me. She was mine.

  I had a girlfriend.

  I’d never had a real one before…I liked how it felt. I reached over to give her a hug, but the other side of the bed was empty. I sat up with a frown, then looked over at the clock. It was morning…Kiera had slipped out sometime last night and was probably with Denny. Bile started filling my mouth. We needed to tell him it was over.

  I fell back to my pillows with a thud. Fuck. He was going to be devastated.

  With a sigh, I got out of bed and started my morning exercises. Kiera and I would come up with a way to let him know things had changed. I’d even let him continue to stay here, if he wanted, although…I didn’t see how he’d be able to stomach that.

  When I got downstairs, I started the coffee and waited for Kiera. She joined me before the pot was completely done brewing. She was incredibly alluring in her pajamas, and the smile on her lips was breathtaking. “Morn—”

  Her mouth was on mine before I could even finish greeting her. I loved how eager she was. “I missed you,” she muttered.

  “I missed you too. I hated waking up with you gone,” I whispered back.

  We spent several moments kissing. There was so much passion and intensity between us, you would think we hadn’t seen each other in weeks. She brought that out of me though. Desire and love, as bottomless as a black hole and as tangled as untamed vines. I tried to ignore the fact that both of those comparisons were potentially disastrous.

  Recalling that Kiera and I had something important to discuss, I gently pushed her away from me. Needing space to resist the draw of her lips, I took a step toward the table. “We should talk about Denny, Kiera…”

  Just then, Denny stepped into the kitchen. “What about me?” he asked in a gruff voice.

  Jesus fucking-H Christ. My heart leaped into my throat, but years of schooling my expression let me hold on to my composure. If he’d walked in ten seconds earlier…

  Racking my brain for a reasonable response, I popped out the first lie that sounded like it could be the truth. “I was just asking Kiera if you would be interested in hangin’ with me and the guys today. There’s this thing at EMP—”

  Denny cut me off. “No, we’ll stay here.” I risked a glance at Kiera. She was staring at me like I’d just told Denny I’d grown wings last night and flown around the city.

  I didn’t miss the way Denny had stressed “we’ll.” Kiera’s not going anywhere with you. Got it? “Okay…come by if you change your mind. We’ll be there all day.”

  Tension built up in the room, and I considered telling the truth. But Kiera and I hadn’t had a chance to talk about the best way to do it yet. We were a team now; we should come at this with a united front. Not that that would matter much to Denny. In fact, maybe I should let Kiera handle this on her own. He might take it better from her. If I was there, he would just get angry. Yes, Kiera should tell him first, and then I would talk to him.

  When the awkwardness got to be too much, I told them both, “I’d better go…pick up the guys.” I gave Kiera a meaningful glance when Denny’s back was to me: Please talk to him. Her face was forlorn, and I knew she wasn’t looking forward to this. Me either.

  The house was silent as I gathered my things and left. Too silent. I wished Kiera well, kicked myself for not having the guts to make a stand with her, then headed to Evan’s.

  He wasn’t surprised when he cracked open his door, but he did seem irritated. “I should just give you a key. Then I wouldn’t have to get up every time you need to run away from something.”

  I was pretty sure I knew why he was mad. “I’m sorry I was a dick last night.”

  Evan leaned on his door frame, not letting me in. “Dick doesn’t really cover it. I was thinking more along the lines of…self-absorbed diva.”

  That brought a small smile to my lips. “Yeah…maybe…but I really am sorry. I was out of line, and I shouldn’t have said what I did. It’s not my band. It’s our band. You and I formed it together, and we wouldn’t be where we are now without you.”

  Evan lifted an eyebrow, clearly waiting for more.

  “And I’m a self-absorbed diva, an asshole, a dog of a human being, and unworthy of any sort of praise, kudos, acclaim, or love.” I shut my mouth with a snap. I hadn’t meant to go that far with my apology. I was just freaking out about what was going on at home without me. I should be there. I should turn around and go home…

  Frowning, Evan shoved his door open. “That shit’s not true, Kell. Well, yeah, you’re an asshole sometimes, but you’re not…unworthy of anything.” At the moment, I wasn’t sure if I agreed.

  It was after dinnertime when I finally went home. Denny’s car was there, and I didn’t know what that meant. My stomach lurched as I walked into the house. I understood Kiera’s anxiety over telling him about us. Denny meant a lot to me; I didn’t want to hurt him either.

  The light was on in the kitchen.
Fortifying my stomach, I headed that way. Denny and Kiera were at the table, finishing up dinner. I thought that was odd. It didn’t seem to me that Denny would want to sit down and have a meal with Kiera if she’d told him about us…which meant she hadn’t told him a thing. I looked over to Kiera for confirmation, and she shook her head no. She hadn’t said a damn word. We were still at square one.

  From the look on her face, I could tell Kiera was wrestling with demons just as torturous as mine; she was probably beating herself up over her lack of courage. Knowing I was just as cowardly as her, I sympathized with her inability to break his heart. We’d have to do it together. By the dark look in Denny’s eyes as he watched Kiera’s every move, he had to know anyway. Needing a minute to gather my thoughts and go over my options, I opened the fridge and grabbed a beer.

  I’d just popped it open when Denny disturbed the eerie quiet. “Hey, mate. I think we should all go out. How about the Shack? We could go dancing again.”

  The way he said “dancing” was odd. Did he know what Kiera and I had done at the Shack? Or more accurately, in the espresso stand in the parking lot. He couldn’t possibly know specifics about that night, but he knew something wasn’t right between us. Maybe we should go out though. One last hurrah before everything tumbled to the ground.

  “Yeah…sure,” I told him.

  Denny was still staring at Kiera, who was studying her food like her life depended on it. I wished I could comfort her, but I couldn’t go near her right now. All I could do was go upstairs with my beer and wait for everyone else to be ready for our last roommates’ night out.

  Denny and Kiera left the house while I was still in my bedroom. With a heavy sigh, I stood up to leave. I glanced back at my mattress, remembering that Kiera’s necklace was under it. Not sure why I was grabbing it, I walked around to the other side of the bed and pulled it free. It felt cool in my palm as I curled my fingers around it. I supposed I didn’t need the necklace as a parting gift anymore, but something inside me, some lingering doubt or insecurity, was whispering at me to take it. So I did.

  Denny’s car was in the parking lot when I arrived at the Shack, and I parked next to him. I couldn’t help but glance at the espresso stand as I walked past it. That was where everything had changed, where Kiera’s and my relationship had truly begun. A part of me wanted to break in one more time, and a part of me never wanted to see it again.

  It was warm in the busy bar, but a quick sweep of the area showed me Denny and Kiera weren’t in there. Frowning, I wondered if they were out back. Why would Denny want to sit out there? It was frigid outside.

  A half dozen outdoor heaters were spaced around the beer garden, taking the edge off the air, so it was actually kind of pleasant. I spotted Denny and Kiera over by the gate in the fence. Oddly, it was the exact same place that we’d sat the first time we came here. Did Denny do that on purpose too? Was he trying to fluster us into confessing? No need. When the time was right, we would tell him everything. God, I wasn’t ready to lose him, but I supposed I already had.

  Keeping a casual, carefree smile on my face, I sauntered over to the table and sat down where an untouched beer was waiting for me at an open seat next to Kiera. I smiled at Denny as I sat down, and then did my best to ignore Kiera. Now wasn’t the time, even I knew that.

  Hidden speakers pumped music into the garden, and drunk people were up on the dance floor, warming their bodies with almost-rhythmic movements. Kiera shivered while she quietly sat beside me. I wanted to throw my arm around her, warm her up some, since she wasn’t handling the nip in the air as well as me, but Denny had his eyes glued on her, so I left her alone.

  We sat in awkward silence for an eternity, and I began to wonder what the point of this was. It was clear we couldn’t hang out as a group together anymore, not like we used to. Honestly, we hadn’t been able to for a while now. As I was running through appropriate ways to irrevocably shatter the bond between the three of us, Denny’s work phone rang. Just like last time.

  Kiera and I both turned to look over at Denny. Nonchalant, he answered it and brought it to his ear. After speaking a few words to the person on the other line, he put the phone away. Letting out a regretful sigh, he looked over at Kiera. “I’m sorry. They need me to come in.” His gaze switched to me. “Can you take her home? I have to go.”

  I was so surprised, all I could do was nod. Kiera looked shocked too. Out of all the possible events that could have gone down tonight, Denny getting called away to work wasn’t one either of us had anticipated.

  Denny stood, then leaned down to Kiera. “Will you think about what I asked?” Kiera mumbled okay, and I instantly wondered what he’d asked her. Then Denny grabbed both of Kiera’s cheeks and kissed her so passionately, I had to clench the sides of my chair to stay seated.

  I looked away before I did something stupid. When Denny straightened, I heard Kiera breathing heavier. Quite a kiss they’d shared. Hating every second of this, I cleared my throat and shifted in my seat.

  Kiera watched Denny until he disappeared into the bar, while I struggled with controlling the sudden jealous rage I felt. By the time Kiera swung her head around to look at me, I was more or less in control of myself. I would pretend it hadn’t happened. If I ignore it, then it isn’t real. A change of subject was what we both needed.

  Smiling, I grabbed her hand, now that I could. “I was wondering…since you probably don’t want to take me home to your parents yet…which I completely understand…maybe you’d like to spend winter break with me here? Or we could go up to Whistler? Canada is beautiful and…do you ski? Well, if not…we don’t have to leave our room.” Pausing, I gave her a wicked grin. I knew I was rambling, but I wanted her to focus on what she was gaining, not what she was losing. I would be the greatest boyfriend in the world to her. I’d give her everything I had, and then some.

  She was staring at me, but I got the feeling she wasn’t really listening. Her mind was somewhere else, with someone else. Not knowing what else to do, I kept talking. “We could get a room with a Jacuzzi tub, order some wine, maybe get some of those fancy chocolate-covered strawberries. Then we could walk around town, check out the shops. It will be great, you’ll see.”

  She swallowed, but she didn’t respond. Bunching my brows, I said, “That’s just one idea. We could go somewhere else if you like. I just…I want to spend some time with you. Alone. We really haven’t been able to do that. What would you like to do?” Her eyes had a faraway look, and she didn’t answer me. “Did I lose you?” She was still staring right through me, so I shifted my head to get her attention, and again asked, “Kiera…did I lose you?”

  Her cheeks filled with color, and she glanced down at our hands, like she was surprised we were still touching. Concerned, I asked her, “Are you all right? Do you want to go home?” I knew this was hard for her, but I wanted her to see the hope I was offering. She wouldn’t be alone. I would be with her, every step of the way.

  Nodding at my suggestion, she stood. I led her to the side exit gate with a hand on the small of her back. She scanned the parking lot when we stepped into it, and her eyes paused on the espresso stand. I smiled, wondering if she was thinking about our time there—the torture and the bliss. It was a night I’d never forget.

  For the first time ever, I was actually really excited about my future. It was a strange but welcome feeling. It was certainly a lot better than endless despair. “After high school, I hitchhiked down the Oregon coast. That’s actually how I met Evan. Anyway, we should go, you would love it. There are these caves you can walk through, with all these crazy-shaped stalagmites, stalactites, whatever you call ’em. And sea lions are everywhere along the beach. You can talk to them, and they’ll talk back. They’re cool, in a loud, obnoxious sort of way. Kind of like Griffin.” I laughed, but Kiera didn’t laugh with me. She was staring straight ahead while we walked to my car. I wondered if she’d noticed that Denny’s car was gone. Probably.

  “Anyway, we could keep going if
you wanted. Down to L.A.? I could show you where I met the rest of the guys. Well…I won’t show you where I met Matt and Griffin…but I can show you where our first gig was. And the place I stayed while I was there, where I bought the Chevelle. You know, the important places.” I laughed again, but still Kiera remained silent.

  Fear began racing up my spine and wrapping its icy tentacles around my heart. She wasn’t listening to me at all…she was a million miles away. And she was with Denny. I knew it. Her eyes were shining more than they should be, and I knew her forming tears weren’t for me. She was replaying their entire relationship. She was changing her mind.

  When she suddenly stopped walking and yanked her hand away from me, I knew I was right. She was changing her mind. She was going to choose him after all. I felt like I should be surprised, but I wasn’t. Something in the back of my mind was shouting at me that I’d been living in a fantasy. She was never going to be mine.

  I turned to face her, and I knew…this would be the last time we talked. This was it. This was goodbye.

  Kiera turned her eyes from me, but I saw the guilt. She was letting me go. Words seemed unnecessary, but I asked her anyway. “I did lose you…didn’t I?”

  She seemed surprised that I’d figured it out when she peeked up at me. She shouldn’t be. It was written all over her face. “Kellan, I…I can’t do this…not yet. I can’t leave him. I need more time…”

  “Time?” I was so sick of that word. “Kiera…nothing is going to change here. What good is time to you?” Angry, I pointed toward home, where more pain awaited us all if something didn’t change. “Now that he knows you lied, time will only hurt him more.” It will hurt me more.