Thoughtful

by S. C. Stephens

  “Kellan, I’m so sorry…please don’t hate me.” Her eyes were filled with tears now. Mine too. I’d almost had it all. Or maybe I’d never even been close.

  Frustrated, I tangled my hands in my hair. I wanted to yank the long strands out by the roots. I needed this roller coaster to stop. I needed life to calm down, level out. I needed to feel safe again. “No, Kiera…no.”

  Her eyes widened with fear and her voice trembled when she spoke. “What do you mean? No, you don’t hate me or no…you do?”

  She looked so scared. I hated seeing that look on her face, but she was going to have to let one of us go. She was going to have to let me go. Bringing a hand up to her face in comfort, I softly told her, “No, I can’t give you any more time. I can’t do this. It’s killing me…”

  Kiera shook her head as tears rolled down her cheeks. “Please, Kellan, don’t make me—”

  “Ugh…Kiera.” Grabbing her other cheek, I held her face tight in my hands and stared her down. This isn’t as hard as you’re making it. Stop thinking, and listen to your heart. Be brave…cut the rope…and let one of us fall. “Choose right now. Don’t even think, just choose. Me…or him? Me or him, Kiera?”

  Eyes locked on mine, she whispered, “Him.”

  In the back of my head, I heard a heavy iron cell door slamming closed, and I knew my heart was forever locked inside it. I’d never open up again. I’d never love again. I would never risk this pain again. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, crushing me. I couldn’t breathe, stars danced in my vision, and I thought I heard my father laughing in the distance. She chose him…

  A hot tear splashed on my cheek, and I knew it was only the beginning. There would be many tears tonight. “Oh,” I muttered. Was the light getting dimmer? Was I about to pass out? I would almost welcome that. I wanted to pass out and never wake up.

  Releasing her face, I willed darkness to overwhelm me. My chest was being cracked open, my brain was being liquefied. Please…someone take me away from this torture.

  Kiera clutched my jacket and pulled me toward her. “No, Kellan…wait. I didn’t mean—”

  Anger momentarily dimmed the agony. “Yes, you did. That was your instinct. That was your first thought…and first thoughts are usually the correct ones.” Closing my eyes, I swallowed and pushed the anger aside. What good was getting mad at her? It wasn’t her fault. Denny was a good man, the better man…She was being smart by choosing him over me. Why would anyone choose you? my father’s voice asked. “That’s what’s really in your heart. He’s what’s in your heart…” And he should be.

  Kiera grabbed my hands and held them tight while I took a few calming deep breaths. I didn’t want our last parting to be a screaming match. I wanted to say goodbye like I’d planned. Stoically. Opening my eyes, I said in a surprisingly calm voice, “I told you I would walk away, if that was your choice…and I will. I won’t make trouble for you. I always knew where your heart really was anyway. I never should have asked you to make a choice…there never was a choice to make. Last night, I did hope that…” Sighing, I stared at the pavement. No point in dwelling on what was never actually going to happen. “I should have left ages ago. I was just…being selfish.”

  Kiera made a noise that sounded like a scoff. “I think I give new meaning to the word, Kellan.”

  Smiling, I looked up at her. Yeah, perhaps she did. We both did. “You were scared, Kiera. I understand that. You’re scared to let go…I am too. But everything will be fine.” It has to be. “We will be fine.” How am I going to live without her?

  We wrapped our arms around each other and squeezed as tight as we could. I never wanted to let her go, but I knew I had to. One of us had to. “Don’t ever tell Denny about us. He won’t leave you. You can stay at my place for as long as you like. You can even rent out my room if you want. I don’t care.”

  She pulled back to look at me, and I could see the fearful question in her eyes. Was I leaving? Yes. I was. For good this time. “I have to leave now, Kiera…while I can.” Tears were falling down her cheeks, one after another. Feeling that my own cheeks were wet as well, I dried hers as best I could. “I’ll call Jenny and have her come get you. She’ll take you to him. She’ll help you.” You won’t be alone.

  “Who will help you?” she asked, her voice soft with compassion.

  No one. Swallowing down that painful truth, I ignored her question and continued providing her with happy thoughts to think about when I was gone. “You and Denny can go to Australia and be married. You can have a long, happy life together, the way it was supposed to be. I promise I won’t interfere.” My voice cracked. I’m going to miss you…so much.

  Kiera didn’t want to hear about her life, she wanted to know about mine. She wanted to know I would be okay. “What about you? You’ll be alone…”

  I know. With a sad smile, I told her, “Kiera…it was always supposed to be that way too.”

  She put a hand on my cheek in pain and understanding. “I told you you were a good man.”

  Was I? I didn’t feel like one. “I think Denny would disagree.”

  She threw her arms around my neck again and we rested our foreheads together as a sad, slow beat drifted over the fence to us. It felt wholly appropriate that a melancholy song was playing right now. Would my life ever be anything but melancholy now? “God, I’m going to miss you…” I don’t want to go…

  Kiera clenched me tighter, and her words were frantic when she spoke. “Kellan, please don’t—”

  I knew what she was going to say, and I quickly cut her off. “Don’t, Kiera. Don’t ask me that. It has to happen this way. We need to stop this cycle, and we both seem incapable of staying away from each other…so one of us needs to leave.” Feeling my willpower fading, I rocked my head against hers and spoke faster. “This is the way Denny doesn’t get hurt. If I’m gone, he may not question your lie. But if you ask me to stay…I will, and he’ll eventually find out, and we’ll destroy him. I know you don’t want that. I don’t either, baby.” I want to stay. I want to stay. I want to stay.

  A sob escaped her, and it broke my broken heart. “But it hurts so much…”

  Wishing it would somehow ease the ache, I kissed her. “I know, baby…I know. We have to let it hurt. I need to leave, for good this time. If he’s what you want, then we need to end this. It’s the only way.” Please, change your mind again. I want to stay with you.

  I kissed her again, then pulled back and searched her watery eyes. Now was the time. Reaching into my pocket, I grabbed the necklace. I held it enclosed in my fist, then opened one of her hands and gently placed it inside her palm. She looked down at the keepsake in her fingers, at the diamond sparkling in the moonlight, and inhaled a sharp breath. This was why I’d brought it…some part of me had known this was going to happen.

  As I spoke, Kiera’s hand started to shake. “You don’t have to wear it…I’ll understand. I just wanted you to have something to remember me by. I didn’t want you to forget me. I’ll never forget you.” You’ll be in my mind every second of every day. I can promise you that.

  She looked up at me, and disbelief was as clear as the grief on her face. Tears falling like rain, she warbled, “Forget you? I could never…” The necklace laced in her fingers, she grabbed my face. Her voice intense and clear, she said, “I love you…forever.”

  I crashed my lips down to hers. And I love you too…forever. There will never be another for me. Ever. You’re the one I’ll compare everyone to, and no one will measure up.

  We poured our souls into that kiss. Our last kiss. I knew it was. I knew the second we pulled apart, I would leave and she would stay with Denny. It was what fate had been trying to tell me all along. I didn’t get to have her, because I didn’t deserve her. But selfishly, I didn’t want to let her go either. As the minutes ticked by, as our mouths moved together, as a sob escaped Kiera’s lips, then mine, I doubted I could go. I needed a minute…or ten, or twenty…or a thousand.

  I wasn
’t going to get that many though, because fate wasn’t done fucking with me yet.

  Behind Kiera, the gate to the bar had just slammed shut. My eyes snapped open and I watched, helpless, as my world crumbled around me. Someone was striding toward me, someone who wasn’t supposed to be here, someone Kiera and I had foolishly been trying to shelter from this pain, but who was now getting smacked in the face with it. Denny. No…

  Kiera broke off contact with me, but I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t pull my eyes away from Denny. His hands were clenched into fists, and his dark eyes were drilling lethal holes into me. He wanted me dead right now, that much was certain.

  “I’m so sorry, Kiera,” I whispered. This is going to be ugly. I never wanted it to happen like this…I never wanted him to see. In all honesty, I never wanted him to know.

  Nothing was ever going to be the same now.

  Chapter 31

  Just End My Pain Already

  Kiera and I stepped away from each other while Denny said our names. I couldn’t help but notice that my name was said a lot more harshly than Kiera’s. Denny looked shocked, like he hadn’t really expected to catch us like this, but more than being surprised, he was outraged. And I had to imagine he was hurt too.

  Kiera put her hands up, trying to shield us from the storm that was coming. “Denny…” She had no other words, nothing to portray this in an innocent light, nothing to hide what we’d done. There was no hiding it. The lies were over.

  Denny’s fiery eyes turned to me. “What the hell is going on?”

  Almost relieved that the game was over, I told Denny the truth. Well, the truth in its simplest form. “I kissed her. I was saying goodbye…I’m leaving.”

  From the corner of my eye, I watched Kiera press her hands into her stomach. Either the nightmare we were in now was causing her grief, or my statement that I was still leaving was. As wrong as it was to worry about it now, I kind of hoped it was the latter.

  Denny’s eyes sparked with hatred, and all of it was aimed at me. Good. He should hate me, and only me. This was all my fault. “You kissed her? Did you fuck her?”

  My mind rewound to my childhood. Things were so much simpler back then, although they had felt complicated at the time. I recalled blood trickling down Denny’s lip while he sat on the ground, collecting his senses; my dad fleeing from the room like he was terrified of what Denny might do; and me, sitting on the ground beside Denny, dazed and in awe that someone would do what he’d just done for me. Denny deserved the truth.

  “Yes.” I cringed as I drove in the knife. The damage was done now. Our friendship was over.

  Denny’s mouth dropped open in shock. He must have been hoping he was wrong. I sort of wished he were. “When?”

  “The first time was the night you broke up.” I knew I was leading him to a horrible conclusion with my statement, but it was what it was.

  He grasped what I was hinting at right away. “The first time? How many times were there?”

  “Only twice…”

  Kiera snapped her eyes to mine, and I saw a question in the hazel depths. We’ve been together more than twice. Why did you tell him that? Because he asked how many times we fucked. And once we told each other we loved each other, what we’d done was so much more than fucking. I never wanted to fuck again. Kiera’s lips lifted into a ghost of a smile, and I knew she understood.

  Returning my eyes to Denny, I told him what was in my heart. “But I wanted her…every day.” There’s no point in holding back now. He should know everything I feel for her, everything she means to me.

  Denny’s cheeks reddened, just like my dad’s used to when he got really angry. I knew what he was going to do before he even moved to do it. Cocking his arm back, he twisted his body and threw his weight into a hit that landed on my jaw. Denny was strong, and the blow knocked me back a step. My jaw throbbed, my head started to pound, and I tasted blood in my mouth. Good. I deserved this.

  When my vision stabilized, I straightened and faced him. I could feel warmth dribbling down my cheek as I spoke. “I won’t fight you, Denny. I’m so sorry, but we never wanted to hurt you. We fought against…We tried so hard to resist this…pull…we feel toward each other.” I hated the words coming out of my mouth. I hated the look on Denny’s face. I never wanted it to happen like this.

  Denny clenched his fists. “You tried? You tried to not fuck her?” he yelled. He hit me again, on the cheek this time. My ears started ringing, but I still clearly heard him when he screamed, “I gave up everything for her!”

  He pummeled me again and again. I let him. I did nothing to block his blows, did nothing to protect my body. After each hit, I faced him again, giving him another perfect target for his rage. I deserved every strike. I deserved the full force of his anger. And…if Denny was kicking my ass, then he was leaving Kiera alone. Better me than her.

  “You promised me you wouldn’t touch her!”

  He was right, I had. And I had shattered that promise like I had so many others before it. I’d wanted her, so I’d taken her. I was no friend to him, to anyone. And the really sad part was, it was all for nothing. She chose him. “I’m sorry, Denny,” I whispered, but I doubt he heard me. And what good was an apology from me anyway? It was a tiny patch on a gaping wound. Worthless.

  I felt my strength fading, my vision dulling. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could take Denny’s rage. But what did it matter anymore? What did anything matter anymore? I’d lost the only thing I’d ever wanted. I’d tasted love, then had it snatched away from me. I couldn’t go on living my empty, meaningless life. If I was destined to be alone, then it might as well end right here. I fell to my knees while Denny shouted, “I trusted you!” His knee connected with my chin, knocking me to my back.

  Everything went black, and for a second, I thought I’d passed out. But I couldn’t be unconscious, because everything hurt—my head, my body, my heart. All of me was throbbing. Just kill me and get it over with.

  Heavy blows from Denny’s boots met my exposed abdomen. I left my body open to him. Made it as easy as possible for him to hurt me. Every hit sent shock waves of pain throughout my body, but I welcomed it. I deserve this. I deserve worse than this.

  A solid strike to my arm resulted in a sickening snap as Denny broke the bone, and acidlike pain radiated up my forearm and across my chest. Unable to contain the agony, I cried out and held my arm close to my body. Denny didn’t notice what he’d done. He only screamed, “You said you were my brother!”

  Underneath the flood of pain, I felt nausea rising. Now, every kick Denny gave me jolted my arm, reigniting the painful break. I deserve this. I deserve more than this. Just finish me. I felt a rib break, maybe two, I had no idea. All I knew was pain. I really wasn’t going to survive this. Good. I didn’t want to go on without her. I wanted the pain to end.

  Spitting out blood, I muttered, “I won’t fight you…I won’t hurt you…I’m sorry, Denny…” I deserve your rage. My life is yours…take it. In my daze of pain, I started repeating my words like a chant. Denny beat me the entire time I whimpered them. “I’m sorry…I won’t fight you…I’m sorry…I won’t hurt you.”

  “You fucking piece of shit! You fucking pathetic, fucking selfish bastard! Your word is worthless! You are worthless!”

  I turned my head away from him then. I know. I know I’m worthless. That’s why I’m not fighting you. I deserve this. “I’m sorry, Denny.” Don’t feel bad when this is over. You did the right thing.

  “She is not one of your whores!” he screamed, ignoring my apology.

  Denny paused in his attack, and I raised myself up onto my elbow. I was a little surprised I still could. My vision had only partly returned, and it wavered with darkness. My head throbbed, my arm was on fire, and I was bloody everywhere. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to move. All I had left was pain. And the truth. And what Denny had just yelled wasn’t true. That wasn’t how it was at all. She was never a whore to me.

  “I’m sorry I hurt you, D
enny, but I love her.” Every breath was agony, but telling Denny what I’d held in for so long filled me with joy. It felt good to confess. I might not make it through this, I might have lost her, but for one second, I had loved and been loved in return. My life was complete. Peace filled me as I shifted my eyes to Kiera. She was frozen in shock with tears streaming down her cheeks. She’d never been more beautiful. Maybe what we’d done was wrong, but we’d loved with all our hearts, and no one could take that away from us. Not Denny, not fate, not life. Nothing mattered from here on out, because I had already reached the pinnacle of bliss. Someone had loved me. “And she loves me too.” We’ll be together forever in my dreams…

  I tuned Denny out. It didn’t matter what he did to me. I wanted to memorize every line on Kiera’s face, every expression in her color-shifting eyes. If tonight was my last night on earth, I wanted to spend it staring at her. It’s okay, Denny. Do what you will…I’m ready.

  Kiera’s gaze shifted from me to Denny, then back to me. She looked terrified. I wanted to tell her everything was okay, I was at peace, but she moved before I could focus long enough to say the words. My mind couldn’t keep up with what she was doing. She screamed, “No!” then tackled me. I looked up at Denny just in time to see his boot connect with Kiera’s temple.

  No! It was supposed to be me…

  “Kiera!” My mouth felt full of marbles, and my vision hazed in and out, but that was nothing compared to the sight of Kiera slumped on the ground beside me, motionless.

  The blow she’d taken in my place had flung her away from me, and her hair was covering her face. I had no idea if she was okay or not. Adrenaline gave me strength, and I scrambled to get closer to her. Please be okay. I was scared to touch her, scared to move her. What was the rule about head injuries? I had no fucking clue.

  By the time I had pulled myself around to where I could look at her more closely, Denny was on his knees at her side. “Kiera?” he said, shaking her shoulders.