Men In Control (Smith Brothers Complete Series)

by Brenda Ford

  “I was an ass,” I continue. “I was a real bastard and I’m sorry about it. I was just so angry and stressed. Everything just got on top of me and I exploded. Learning about the betrayal from Alex was overwhelming.”

  “I know.” She nods acceptingly. “I don’t blame you at all for losing your mind. It was a horrible mess and anyone in your situation would have felt the same, I’m sure of it. You don’t need to say sorry.”

  “Well, I shouldn’t have blamed you. I totally understand why you didn’t tell me. Why would you have told me when you had other things to consider? Other people? I know I freaked out about it, but I was just upset.”

  “Well, I am sorry.” She folds her arms across her chest, discomfort flowing over her. “I should have told you; I know that. It isn’t an excuse, but I shouldn’t have known about the affair and kept it from you.”

  We sit in silence for a while, just looking at one another, the past exploding between us. There are so many things I wish that I could do differently, that I could take back, but all I can do is make it up to her now.

  “I think it was too soon,” I say quietly. “I think that everyone else was right about that. I should have had a break in between Mandy and me and you. It was wrong of me. As we saw a few times, I brought a lot of the baggage with me and it affected us in a negative way. Whereas if I had waited…”

  “Everything could have been different.” She presses her fingers to her lips, leaving me wondering if she’s remembering the sensation of me there. I know I sure as hell am. “It could have been better.”

  “The time I spent with you is the best of my life,” I reply earnestly. “Even wading through all the shit that happened at the same time, being with you was everything to me. You were amazing. Our relationship was…”

  “Was…” she interrupts, making me see my mistake. I didn’t mean to just refer to it in the past tense.

  “Was, yes, because it was before I fucked it up. But that doesn’t mean I always want it to be a ‘was’. I don’t want what happened to end us. I’m not sure where your head is at but I’m willing to be vulnerable and lie everything out for you because I want you to know. I want to make things work with us.”

  “You… you want to try again?” Rachel gasps. “Really? This isn’t just some heat of the moment thing?”

  I chuckle. “Trust me, this is all that I have been thinking about for months. Ever since I walked away from you and my family, I have been thinking about what I would change, and the only thing is getting you back.”

  “Wait.” She holds up her hands to stop me from talking. “You walked away from your family?”

  It seems really odd that someone so important to me doesn’t know about this huge life changing event that has occurred to me. I don’t want it to remain like that. I want things to get back to normal where we talk about everything. I like sharing myself with Rachel. She always makes me feel wonderful for being me.

  “I moved out of the family home. I had to, to get some space from it all.”

  “And you haven’t seen your brothers since that?” she demands, looking far too concerned.

  “I see Brad and Oliver at work all the time, and I have seen Wesley and Nelson a lot too.”

  “But not Alex.” Her eyes dart downwards, and I start to get ice cold blood. This doesn’t look good.

  “No, I haven’t spoken to Alex since that night. I don’t think that I intend to either.”

  She sips her coffee thoughtfully. All I can do is watch her, to see what conclusion she is coming to. I have a funny feeling that I’m not going to like it much, a theory which is about to be proven right.

  “I want to try things again with you too.” Her eyes meet mine. “Because I feel exactly the same way as you do about us. It hasn’t ever been that amazing for me either. I think you are the right guy for me, I always have, it was just the wrong time period which is a shame. But as we have already seen, we can’t handle drama. External circumstances affect us badly. Even if we are in a much stronger place now – which you definitely seem to be – I don’t know if I want to risk trying to weather drama again. It would be too scary for me.”

  “What are you saying?” My whole body stiffens. “That you don’t want to try?”

  “That I want you to be okay with your brothers. All of them. Including Alex.”

  The world stops spinning as I try to take this in. Everyone wants me to make up with Alex, it seems that no one will let me make my own decisions on that front. Not even Rachel. Why would she want this? What is she trying to do to me? Is she protecting my twin brother over me yet again…? Or is she just being honest about what she needs? I did tell myself that I would do anything to win her back around. Although I didn’t expect this…

  “I can’t be okay with Alex,” I try telling her, just like I have told everyone else. “It doesn’t work that way.”

  “You can’t?” An eyebrow cocks. “Or you won’t? Because ‘can’t’ seems like the wrong word.”

  “It doesn’t matter. The outcome is still the same. It can’t happen. I just can’t stand looking at him.”

  She sighs and her eyes fall to her hands which are twiddling in her lap. This isn’t what she wants to hear. But I want to find a compromise in between what she wants and what I want too. There has to be middle ground.

  “Alex did you wrong, I know that. I don’t agree with anything he did. But you have to see now what I was trying to tell you before. Alex wouldn’t have risked everything if he didn’t love Mandy.”

  Those words don’t give me the same stab of pain that they once did. It doesn’t matter so much that love is being mentioned with Mandy and someone else. Even if it is my twin brother.

  “Has he talked to you about it? Is he still with her?” I do still need to know this though.

  “I don’t know. We didn’t talk about anything while we were on tour. Only the music.” She pauses thoughtfully for a moment, really considering her next words. “He went out a lot. Did a lot of partying.”

  “You say that like touring and partying isn’t fun? You don’t think he had a good time?”

  “No,” she shoots back instantly. “I don’t think so. More like self-destruction.”

  That’s more of a gut punch than anything else. It doesn’t matter how much Alex has hurt me, my natural instinct is still to protect him the moment anyone else hurts him… even if he’s doing it to himself. I have seen him with pained looks on his face before. He spent a lot of his teen years perfecting the moody artist look, but I don’t like knowing that I have the power to take some of the pain away from him and I haven’t.

  But he didn’t take my pain away. He could have stopped with Mandy and he didn’t. I can’t forget that. I can’t forget that he purposely kept going back for more and that’s why I’m torn. I guess he had to love her. That’s the only thing. He had to have such strong feelings for Mandy to do what he did. Well, if that’s the case then he’s a poor fool. She isn’t going to feel the same way for him, or she would have broken things off with me for him. She wouldn’t be with another guy after us both as well which was pretty much proven on social media.

  If he is already on a path to self-destruction, then her rejecting him might finish him off. I have managed to recover from things that have happened because it was already over. I don’t think the same is for Alex.

  I glance at Rachel, wondering if she’s right. Maybe I do need to speak to Alex after all.

  “I don’t know, Rachel,” I admit. “I want to help but I don’t know if I can. I mean, the last time I saw him, we were fighting badly. There’s no guarantee that we won’t end up in that state again.”

  She reaches across the table and holds my hand in hers, giving me a sympathetic look. “You can’t guarantee it, sure. But isn’t it worth a try? I just don’t want to get in to anything when there is still strife. I don’t think that it’s healthy for either of us. You know that I work with Alex and that’s going to get complicated.” She leans back and stares a
t me. “Plus, we aren’t exactly pure, are we? We kissed and fooled around when you weren’t fully over with Mandy. That isn’t exactly something I’m proud of, but it happened. We got carried away, and on more than one occasion too. Things can get messy. Things did get messy. Now they need to be straightened out.”

  “Hmm, yeah I suppose you’re right. I get what you’re saying, but it is different. You weren’t with Alex; I didn’t betray him. Couldn’t we just keep your work with him and your relationship with me separate?”

  She shakes her head, immediately shutting any thoughts like that down. “It wouldn’t work. Not long term.”

  The fact that she’s thinking long term when it comes to me and her after everything that’s happened, gives me a bolt of hope. I suppose if she’s willing to really jump in to this head first, then I should give her what she wants. Even if it feels impossible at the moment. Even if being around Alex scares the living hell out of me.

  “I will think about it,” I finally cave. “I will see what I can do.”

  “If you do, then I will take you out on a date.” She grins brightly. “Then we can start again on a fresh slate.”

  I do like the idea of starting things with Rachel having a clean break from the past. It was shitty to begin with, but what we had was amazing. If we can get that back again, then surely anything will be worth it. Looking at Rachel now and remembering just what she means to me is overwhelming. I want to be the man that she needs me to be. I want to give her the world, and I guess this is the place I can start.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Rachel

  I can’t believe that I am letting Angelo walk away from me again, this time on my decision. I almost had him back in my arms and I have pushed him away… but it’s the right thing to do. He does need to be okay with Alex again before me and him can start. I can’t see them fall out forever. I don’t know if they will ever be back to what they once were, but anything is better than nothing. Tolerance is better than hate.

  I shake my head sadly, trying not to fall apart with the acute sense of loss, but I turn away regardless and walk back home. I suppose in a way it’s good that happened and so soon after I returned as well. It means I don’t have to worry about randomly bumping in to Angelo at every turn and it being incredibly awkward.

  I tug out my cell phone, needing to end the silence, and I call my partner in crime from last night.

  “Oh my God,” Sheri groans as soon as she answers. “I feel like I’m dying. What the hell happened to me?”

  “We drank too much!” I laugh, feeling a little clearer now that I’ve been out. “It got messy.”

  “Yeah, you’re telling me. I didn’t expect my engagement party to end like that! It was insane.”

  “What did Luke say when you got back to yours? Was he shocked by the mess of you?”

  “No way!” She tosses her head back and laughs loudly. “He’s seen me at my worst and he still proposed. He’s stuck with me now, even when I am a drunken state. Luckily, he’s accepted that much.”

  I get a pang of jealousy all over again. Sheri really does have it right with her easy romance. I wish it could just be that way with Angelo because I am still convinced he’s my forever man. But perhaps it will one day. It might take a little longer for me and him to get there, but I’m hoping we do eventually.

  “That’s good. I’m glad you’re alright. How are you dealing with work today?”

  “I’m not. I’m basically just sitting here slowly dying. No one wants to talk to me, luckily.”

  “Well, if you look anything like I did this morning, I’m not surprised. I’m shocked I didn’t puke.”

  “Why are you even up so early?” Sheri exclaims. “I assumed you’d sleep all day long after last night. You ended up getting drunk really quickly and I thought that’s because you were so tired.”

  “Oh, you noticed that I was tired, but you didn’t have sympathy on me and take me home?”

  “No way! We were having far too much fun. Plus, you wouldn’t have wanted to go home after one drink.”

  “Yeah, well you’re probably right about that. But I am going back to sleep now. When I get in.”

  “You’re out?” The shock is evident in Sheri’s voice. “Why on earth…?”

  “I ended up with a surprise visitor this morning who dragged me out of bed and out my house.”

  “What a masochist! Who was it? Do I need to kick some ass?”

  “It was Angelo,” I chuckle. “He wanted to talk about what happened before the tour.”

  “Ah, so I do need to kick some ass!” Sheri isn’t best pleased with what happened, even if I have told her I understand why he got so upset. “Put him on the phone. I can take my anger out on him.”

  “He’s gone now. And he apologized for all of it. He didn’t mean it; he was just really sad and angry.”

  “Hmmm.” She doesn’t sound convinced. “I see. So, what did he have to say for himself? Surely, it wasn’t just the apology? Did he ask you to get back with him? I just know that he did.”

  “He did actually. But don’t worry, I didn’t agree. Not like that. I have been more sensible this time around. More cautious which I know you have been warning me to do for ages. I actually learned this time around.”

  “Good… I think. Hold on, you need to tell me exactly what you did say.”

  “I just told him that I can’t consider us again while there is still drama surrounding us. It clearly doesn’t work out. So, until he has made things right with Alex, I can’t even think about it.”

  Even repeating those words now is too much to bear. But if I keep reminding myself that it was the right thing to do, then surely it will eventually be okay? God, it needs to be okay.

  “Wow, you really said that? That’s impressive, Rachel. But I can’t see Angelo ever making it up with Alex, can you? And since you didn’t speak to Alex much during the tour, you don’t know if he is ready to forgive Angelo. If you look at it objectively, they have both done things wrong to one another.”

  “Oh God, do you think? Do you think Alex will turn his back on Angelo?”

  I never considered that. I didn’t think about it at all, but I suppose Sheri could be right. Perhaps I should speak to Alex to see if this is something that will happen, just so I can anticipate this time, and nothing is a shock.

  “You don’t know how he’s going to react, do you? Anything could happen.”

  “Hmmm.” I’m distracted now, my head all over the place. “Yeah I guess so.”

  “Anyway, get that place of yours tidied up because I’m coming over for a bit after work. Then we can have a proper talk about this. I don’t want to do it in the pit you’re living in right now.”

  I laugh at her little sarcastic remark. “Sure, I will do. Won’t Luke miss you though?”

  “Nah, he’s okay. He’s seen a lot of me over the last few months. You haven’t. So, you can’t get rid of me that easy. I’ll be around just after five. Looking forward to seeing you already.”

  Once I hang up to Sheri and I step inside, I make a snap decision to call Alex now before I can talk myself out of it. We need to talk about this and also break the chain of silence between us as well. As the phone rings, I pace up and down in the living room, wondering if Alex will even want to talk to me…

  “Hello?” Admittedly, he sounds a little confused by my call. “Rachel?”

  “Hi, Alex, how are you doing?” The words fall out of my mouth. It’s like I’m too afraid to be silent for even a moment because the awkwardness will be revealed. “It’s weird being back home, isn’t it?”

  “It sure is. But good too. I think I needed a break from the tour, as fun as it was.” He might be trying to sound happy, but I can hear the tension thick in his voice. He’s still struggling badly.

  “Mmm.” We both know there is more to this. That I’m not calling for small talk, but it’s taking me a moment to get around to it. “So, Alex, I just wanted to let you know that I spoke to Angelo…”<
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  “You did?” He’s eager, almost snatching words out of his mouth as he answers. He’s perked up ten-folds which causes guilt to slide down my throat. I don’t want to make promises that might not pan out.

  “I did,” I reply carefully. “He came to speak to me actually. I didn’t think he would want to, but he did.”

  “What did he have to say for himself? Did he mention me at all?”

  He sounds so desperate to have his brother back in his life, it makes me sad. At least I can guarantee that he won’t turn Angelo away if he comes to him and asks to make things right again. I don’t need to worry about that. I suppose with everything else stressing me out, it’s good to have this one thing off my shoulders.

  “He came to meet me to ask me to get back with him, but I refused.” Alex gasps, shocked. “At least for now. I said that I can’t be with him while things are still bad with you guys.”

  “You did? But why did you do that? You didn’t need to do that for me…”

  “Well, I wanted to do it for you because you’re my friend and I don’t like to see you sad. But I also did it for me because I don’t want any more drama in the way if we’re going to be together. We have had too much already. I also need the past to be behind him and that includes what happened with you and Mandy.”

  “Oh God, it makes me sick to think about what I have done. It’s so bad, isn’t it…”

  I can’t stand hearing him put himself down. Especially when there isn’t anything that I can do to make it better. It isn’t my opinion that he really cares about.

  “That isn’t something to discuss with me. You know that I’m not going to judge you, Alex. Things happen, don’t they? That’s something that you need to do with Angelo. You need to talk things through.”

  “You think he’ll come to me? You think he’ll actually do it?”