Men In Control (Smith Brothers Complete Series)

by Brenda Ford

  “Anyway.” I rise from my seat and gather up my belongings. “I’m off. It’s time for me to go home.”

  “Right, of course.” Brad nods, sadness rolling off him in waves. I know that he wants us to be back to being a family again, but it isn’t me who destroyed it. “Well, I guess I will see you tomorrow then.”

  I hug my brothers before exiting the office building. I do notice that there is a little heaviness in my chest as I walk away from my family. I do kinda wish that we could all get together again and have a nice night, but I need to remember everything that I have built up. I have an awesome home now, an apartment of my own which I wouldn’t have had otherwise if I wasn’t pushed. The family home is massive, it always seemed to have enough space for me before, but now my tiny home feels much more spacious. I have proper privacy there. It’s great.

  I drive home, singing along to the radio as I go, smiling to myself as the sun shines down on me. Yes, it would be nice to be with my family, but it’s great to be alone as well. It took a lot to get used to, but now I’m good. Even as I walk inside my apartment and I consider what small meal I will eat by myself. It’s great to flicker through my cupboards and know that everything I have purchased will still be there.

  “Screw it,” I mutter to myself. “Let’s get a take-out instead. Treat myself.”

  I do prefer to cook, but I can’t really be bothered tonight, so instead I open up my laptop and I bring up a website to order myself an easy meal that doesn’t need a scrap of effort from me. Once I have chosen Chinese food and put my request in, I scroll aimlessly though the Internet, just wasting time until the food arrive.

  As always, I eventually end up on social media. To see how everyone else is spending their Wednesday night. Most people aren’t up to much, just like me, but there are some people with the strength to party and do fun things. Including, to my surprise – although it probably shouldn’t be – Mandy.

  “Huh,” I mutter as I see her wrapped around someone I’m friends with enough to be linked to on social media, but that I don’t know well enough to be annoyed to see him lapping up Mandy’s affection. She’s manipulative anyway, I know what she’s capable of making other people feel and do. “Look at that.”

  I lean back in my chair and stare at the picture for a few moments while digging around in myself to see how I feel. I should feel something as I see this. There should be something going on inside of me… but weirdly, there isn’t. I don’t feel sad or angry, irritated, or even numb. There is just nothing. Absolutely nothing.

  “Weird,” I mutter to myself. “Really weird, but good too. Very good.”

  I haven’t seen her face ever since that night when she walked out in the middle of my fight with Alex, and I haven’t wanted to. But now I’m confronted with her and I don’t feel anything at all. This is wonderful. This is great. It means I really am over her. I knew as much, but having it confirmed is everything.

  It was dead for a long time, just like I told Rachel when we were together. It wasn’t working for ages, I just clung to it because it was familiar to me. Because I assumed that we were meant to be. If I had taken a step back for even a second, I would have noticed what I didn’t want to admit. That it was done.

  It doesn’t excuse her behavior. She could have broken up with me, but still… it was done.

  That’s why I was happy to move on so quickly, because I knew that me and Mandy were done. My feelings for Rachel were far superior to what I had before so I dived head first in to it with no doubt. Unfortunately, what wasn’t done was the emotion left behind. I was damaged by being cheated on. Especially when I learned that it was my brother, which forced me to be single. Much as it sucked, I suppose it was the right thing to do. I needed this time to get over everything and to discover myself properly. Which now, I have done.

  Without even thinking about it, I find myself searching for Rachel on social media. I have done this a few times since she’s been gone, but since it’s mostly been band imagery, I haven’t been able to see a lot of her without seeing Alex as well. It’s put me off doing it too many times. Another thing that’s probably for the best.

  But now, if Alex is back then she must be as well. Rachel Weston must be nearby. As long as they are not together then I might be able to stand looking at her. I don’t know how I will feel about her now, but my no reaction to Mandy has given me the strength to finally find out. I need to see, to discover what I will do next.

  I suck in a breath and hold it in my lungs as I wait for her page to load. My eyes almost want to close but I just about manage to resist that urge because I need to see what I feel instantly. My instinctive gut reaction will give me everything that I need to know. I don’t know that to expect but I’m very fearful. The anticipation burns.

  “Oh wow.” All of a sudden, I’m presented with an image of her right now in a bar which has been uploaded by Sheri. I can tell that Rachel has been dragged out to party the moment she got home, judging by her sweat pants and tee shirt combo. Her red curly hair is messily scraped back, and I don’t think she has any make up on, not that she has ever needed it. Even without dressing up she’s the most beautiful woman alive.

  Sheri has her arm slung around her friend’s shoulder and she’s flashing a ring towards the camera. The picture is captioned ‘Celebrating my engagement at last now that my bestie is finally home!’. There is a shining in Rachel’s eyes. She looks happy and a little drunk which makes me smile.

  I want to be with her right now. That’s the first thought that strikes me. I want to rush down to the bar and see her. I could easily find out where she is and turn up… but I already know that isn’t the best idea. I don’t know how she’ll react to me. She might never want to see me again. I mean, I wasn’t exactly pleasant to her the last time I saw her. I said some utterly terrible things in the heat of my rage. I blamed her for not telling me the truth, when I really just annoyed with the whole world for everything that happened.

  Me turning up and her screaming at me might ruin Sheri’s engagement party. Since her best friend isn’t already my biggest fan, the last thing I want to do is make it worse. No, I need to keep away. Yet my desire to see her, the deep pull in the middle of my chest, the yearning to be back with her tells me everything that I need to know.

  I want to be back with Rachel, I never should have let her go. Sure, it was the right thing to do in the first place, but now I’m clear in my emotions. I thought that I was in love with Rachel before, even though it seemed too soon, but honestly, I feel the same now. I do love her. She’s the only person I have ever felt this way about. I want her back in my life some way or another. I need to figure out how to make her mine again.

  As impatient as I feel, I can’t make that happen right now. It isn’t the right time. I have made so many mistakes in my life, particularly when it comes to Rachel, so if we ever stand a chance of moving forwards then I need to make it right. I owe her that much. She deserves everything from me now, and I will give her whatever she wants. Even if it takes the rest of my life to make it up to her, I will. She’s the one.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Rachel

  “Urgh,” I moan as a hammering on the door disturbs me from sleep. That’s probably for the best since I must have crashed on the couch last night. Not my finest moment, that’s for sure. My ‘not a big night out’ quickly became a very messy large night out dictated by champagne and Sheri’s excitement. “Who is that?”

  I stagger up from the couch and fall towards the door, half wondering if I arranged for Sheri to come for breakfast or something. My memories are hazy when it comes to the end of the night.

  “Hold on.” I grab the door handle, pausing for just a second to keep the sickness inside, and I tug it open. My heart stops beating and panic shoots through me. I blink a few times, assuming I must be dreaming. This can’t be real; this can’t be happening. There’s no way to accept this. “A… Angelo?”

  He’s here. I have only been back from touri
ng for a day and he’s here already. Looking gorgeous as well in his sleek work suit, breaking my heart because I can’t just touch him. And here I am looking like shit. My hair all over the place, my face a mess, my clothes a mess from last night. This is a nightmare.

  “I hope this isn’t a bad time?” he asks with a small smile playing on his lips.

  “Er, well it isn’t the best,” I admit. “I have only just returned and I’m a total mess.”

  “You don’t look like a mess to me. You look as beautiful as ever.”

  His words make my heart stop beating. He can’t be serious. He can’t say that to me knowing how I’m going to feel. Is this supposed to be a joke or something? I open and close my mouth a few times in shock.

  “Sorry, I’m being a bit full on, aren’t I?” He shoves his hands in his pocket and glances downwards. “I don’t mean to be. I just wanted to talk if that’s okay with you? If it’s possible to come inside?”

  I glance behind myself and see the mess that I have left behind. I can’t have Angelo in. It’s bad enough this is happening right now without making it worse. Whatever me and Angelo have to talk about, it’s going to be serious and potentially life changing. I didn’t want it committed to memory while I’m a state.

  “Now isn’t a good time. Would it be possible to come back later on?”

  “There’s a café down the end of the road. Why don’t I wait there for you? I can get a coffee while I wait.”

  Oh God, I’m not going to be able to avoid this, am I? I’m not getting away with it to give me time to gather up my thoughts and to shake off this hang over. I suppose it’s best to get it over and done with then. And if it’s in a neutral environment then I suppose it won’t destroy my home with more bad juju.

  “Fine. I will be as quick as I can. Are you sure you don’t mind waiting?”

  He gives me a knowing smile that I try my hardest not to read in to. “I don’t mind at all.”

  I don’t move while I watch him walk away from my home, taking that gorgeous body with him, and my heart bleeps painfully. I suspected that I wasn’t quite over Angelo yet, and that suspicion has been proven very true. I feel everything all at once for him. The way I felt when my love was unrequited. The way I felt when we were together. The way that I felt when he left me behind. All of it all at once.

  “Shit,” I mutter as I slam the door closed. “Shit, what the fuck am I going to do now?”

  I rake my fingers through my hair as I spin around. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror which causes me a bolt of agony. How the hell can Angelo say I look good when I’m like this? He must be mad or lying. I suppose the only thing I can really do now is hop in to the shower to make myself presentable. I didn’t see a time when me and Angelo would need to have another conversation, but here we are, and it promises to be challenging.

  “He might apologize?” I say as I bring the shower to life. “For what he said to me. He doesn’t look like he wants to yell some more. To call me out for being selfish again. He looks… calm.”

  Actually, now that I think about it, he looks even better than before. He doesn’t have that slight pinch to his face now, the stress that has come from dealing with the after effects of the affair. I wonder if he’s over it.

  I step into the water and allow it to soothe me, to unlock my muscles and make me feel much better. As I do, I can’t stop my imagination from getting the better of me, and I think about what it would be like to get a second chance with this man. It’s a scary thought that I can’t have because my hopes will rise too high, but it’s there anyway. I practically feel his arms around me, his lips against mine, his hand in mine…

  “Stop it,” I growl as I tip my head backwards. “Stop getting worked up by all of this.”

  But I suppose I will always get worked up by Angelo. At least until I am over him. If that ever happens. I can’t see it right now, but there might come a day when everything doesn’t feel as severe as it does right now. It’s sharp and stabbing, like a knife digging in over and over again, but I suppose that will dull over time.

  Eventually, once I feel a million percent cleaner, I dive out the shower and I head straight for my wardrobe, stepping over the mess as I go. It seems like I was looking for something in my drunken state last night and it made me pull out everything that I packed to go on tour everywhere. This is why I couldn’t invite Angelo in.

  “You are going to have to sort this out,” I warn myself. “It can’t go on like this.”

  Although, I don’t know what I mean with my words. Am I talking about my apartment of my life in general?

  Since everything is already a mess and needs sorting, I practically empty my wardrobe on to my un slept in bed to find something to wear, to look less shitty than before. Since I’m still worn out and hung over so I don’t have the energy to look my best, so I eventually take a pair of black skinny jeans out and a red tee shirt from another band’s gig that I went to a few years back. My boots complete this look as does the pony tail I scrape my hair backwards. I don’t have time to dry it, so I’ll let it drip down my back. I then brush a bit of mascara on my eye lashes but leave it there. Angelo has seen me without the mask of make up on. I don’t need to pretend to be someone I’m not. No matter what this conversation is going to be.

  I stare at my reflection in the mirror, a little more satisfied than I was before, and I give myself a warning.

  “This might not be good news,” I tell the other me. “This could be a final conversation without all of the yelling and shouting. Avoiding all the name calling. It could be closure. He could even want to let me know that he’s with someone else and he doesn’t want me to find out another way. It could even be Mandy.”

  If it’s Mandy after all of this, then there really is no hope. If he has gone back to her after actually finding her with Alex having sex, then there is nothing that I can do. There really is no coming back from that. It won’t be the easiest thing to digest, but I suppose it gives me everything that I need to know.

  “Urgh, does it matter?” I moan at myself. “There’s no point in speculating until I know for sure.”

  That’s really an indication that I should go. That I am ready now and it’s time for me to get my limbs moving, but I can’t. I’m frozen on the spot, stuck in time, not wanting to move forward because forward might be the end. The end of the fantasy. The end of the dream. The end of the best romance I have ever had.

  But if that’s what is going to happen, then so be it. There is absolutely nothing that I can do.

  I gather myself up, just my chin out, roll my shoulders back, and start walking towards the door. If I at least look confident then I can pretend that I’m not dying inside. If I don’t crack in public, then it’s a win. I can fall apart as much as I like once I get home alone, but out in the world there isn’t anything I can do.

  I walk down the street towards the café, my heart hammering violently in my rib cage as I go, but I focus hard on keeping my expression stoic. I try to focus on my face rather than what I’m about to deal with because that is too much. All of this is. I haven’t even been given a moment to digest being home yet.

  Come on, Rachel, I goad myself as soon as I get outside. You can do this. You can!

  I peek in the glass door first, watching as he interacts with ease with a waitress inside. She tosses her head back and laughs at his joke, having a really nice, simple time with him. This just reminds me of the times when it was easy between us. Like that night we first hung out in the bar when all we did was laugh. The times when we were alone and the problems surrounding us vanished. All the times we kissed and made love.

  It was perfect. So perfect and wonderful. Everything I ever could have wanted.

  Almost as if he can sense me looking, Angelo’s eyes fix upon me and he smiles. His whole face lights up with happiness as he does. He seems really pleased to see me, which draws me inside, intriguing me further about what he’s going to say. Surely, it can’t be bad if he’s grinn
ing at me that way.

  He grabs the waitress’s attention one more time and says something to her as I get closer to the table and she soon vanishes. That’s the moment he looks at me just like he used to. Like I’m the only woman in the world. It’s hard not to get sucked in to the feelings that swim and wash over me all over again.

  “I just ordered you a coffee, is that okay?” I nod silently, weirded out by how normal he’s acting. “Great, well thank you for meeting me here. It means a lot to me that you have come. I know that things are strange.”

  I don’t know how to answer this, so I simply nod and agree with him. Soon, all this small talk will subside, and we will get in to the real reason why we are here. Much as I’m in a hurry to get there, to overcome this anticipation, I’m also afraid to get there, so I won’t say anything to rock the boat just yet…

  “Angelo, what’s going on?” I hear myself snap. “Why the hell did you call me here?”

  Oh, okay. Maybe not. Maybe I’m just going to dive right into it then and get things moving.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Angelo

  “I was expecting that,” I admit with a nod. “Actually, I was expecting a lot more from you. I thought that you might come in here yelling at me for the way that I behaved before. I’m so sorry about that. I have spent the last few months remembering the way that I behaved and the things I said, and it disgusts me. That wasn’t me at all. I shouldn’t have said anything like that, I should have calmed down. It was all just too much at the time.”

  She’s silent for a while just looking at me. All the color has drained from her face which makes me feel awful. I might have left her sad for months and spent that time thinking about myself only. Talk about selfish. The waitress brings the coffee that I ordered for Rachel to the table and gives us both a strange look. If only she knew!