But Knox grabs my arm and spins me around, pressing my back against the wall beside the door. He’s staring into my eyes and for some reason I can’t breathe, even as my chest rises and falls.
“Really? Don’t even try it. You knew I wouldn’t take advantage of the situation. The way you told me to stay the night. You and I both know I would never disrespect you like that or take advantage. Ever. What if I had, Savvy? What if you really couldn’t trust me?” His voice is husky with a slight rasp on the second syllables.
The sunlight is still soft as it caresses the lines of his face and casts his eyes into shadows.
“You… You wouldn’t.” I have no pride as I stare up into his eyes, certain my heart is going to pound out of my chest. I admit that he would never have taken advantage of me or my situation. He would never have let me push for something I wasn’t ready for.
He lifts his chin in a fast nod as he acknowledges my admission. He leans forward, pressing his lips to my forehead slowly before pulling away. “And what if I had? What if I…” He presses against me, running his large hands up and down the sides of my body, but never straying from just the sides. “What if I had, Savvy?”
He tugs my hair until I’m looking fully at him and he drops his mouth to mine, ravaging the depths like he might never get another taste. I can’t breathe, for real this time, but I never want to come up for air again. He stops, pulling back and watching as I open my eyes. “What if I didn’t stop, Savvy? What if I took what you offered? You wouldn’t have been prepared for that. You say you can’t trust me, but even the day you found out the truth, you knew deep down you could still trust me. Admit it.”
I nod and press my hands against his chest to put some space between us. “Fine, I admit it. You’re right. That doesn’t change anything.”
Knox steps back from me, folding his arms and narrowing his eyes at me. “Why? I think it would change everything.”
But it doesn’t and I don’t know why. Maybe because I love him and I’m scared to be that vulnerable with anyone again. Or maybe I don’t love him but I’m confused at the suggestion.
Or maybe I can’t think properly after having his hands all over my attention-starved body.
I lift my hand before he can move toward me again and I shake my head. “I need… Some time. I can’t think through this with you so close to me.”
His nod is tightly controlled but I can see the hard angle in his jawline as if he’s biting back anger.
As he storms from the house, his why rings in my ears.
Why indeed?
Chapter 40
Knox
I can’t shake this frustration still lingering after leaving Savvy’s house so early this morning. She didn’t want to talk anymore and honestly, neither did I.
But that doesn’t help the way I feel.
Thankfully, the line out front of the trailer is long and thick. David and I work like a well-oiled machine, laughing and joking as we maneuver around each other filling orders and taking payment.
Summer is always fun packed and fast moving.
“I’m going to miss this with you when we split trailers.” I bump David with my elbow and we laugh.
“Yeah, me too, but it’s going to be fun.” He grins, scooping some fries into the basket in his hand.
“Yeah.” I only kind of understand the melancholy feeling starting to blur the edges of my mood. I wipe the counter and call out for the next order. “Next up. We grill ‘em, you inhale ‘em.” I laugh, glancing at David. “That one sucked.”
But he isn’t laughing and he’s barely smiling. I would say it’s more of a smudge of a smile than anything. I follow his gaze and still.
My dad is at the front of the line with his high brow and his wide shoulders easily above the crowd. “Boys.”
I glance at David and wipe my hands on the towel in a sudden nervous gesture I hope my old man doesn’t recognize as nerves. “Hey, Dad. What can I get you?”
He looks at the menu boards set up all around the window and he shrugs. “Your best seller?” But he asks with a stiff lip and I get it. He doesn’t really want to be down there. He doesn’t really think we can do what we say we’re doing.
Like our relationship isn’t strained, I crow and clap David on the back as I continue laughing. “The Brisket Brick it is. Coming right up.”
David turns toward me with his eyebrows raised almost to his hairline. “He’ll never be able to finish that.”
“Nope, but it’s our best product. Maybe he’ll take some home to Mom.” I start putting the basket together and in minutes, I’ve got the brick ready to go.
Dad reaches into his pocket. “How much do I owe you?”
I wave my hand. “Nah, for my dad? It’s on the house.” I reach out, handing down the overflowing basket to him and point toward the utensil and condiment table. “Help yourself to some of the items. David will have a drink for you in just a minute.”
And I’m shoving off toward the next customer. I can’t dwell on the significance of having Dad at our trailer or the fact that I most likely lost Savvy that morning.
All I can do… All I want to do is work. Get the BBQ out to the customers. There’s something synergistic in filling a customer’s order and moving to the next.
It’s something I can center myself in.
Eventually, though, the crowd dies down and I take a breath, moving to clean up the mess of spilled fries, lettuce, onions, shredded cheese, and sauces that have sprinkled my counters.
David works on the other sections like cleaning the pop dispenser and refilling food items and baskets for the next rush.
“Ahem.” And suddenly our father stands at the window, easily seeing inside with his height and proximity to the space.
I whirl, still holding the rag and David turns as well. We eye our father like there’s something he’s about to do – maybe spring on us a request we won’t be able to turn down or maybe he’s going to make some kind of demand.
I’m also a little worried he’s going to tell us something is wrong with Mom. I’m not sure how I’ll be able to take that kind of news on a day like today.
“David. Knox. I know I don’t tell you often or even at all, but I am proud of you. Watching you today, I can see you are very successful and are good at what you do.” He nods at both of us, his eyes bright.
I might be a big guy, but even I can’t fight the emotion at being told by my dad that he’s proud of me.
“Thanks, Dad.” I’m not sure what else to say.
“Um, yes, well, is there anyway you have a to-go container? Your mother will love this. I tried, but I only took care of a third of it. No wonder it’s your best-seller. I could eat that for days.” He’s obviously trying to soften up the way he treats us. I want to ask if he’s dying or something, but I don’t want to ruin the moment.
“Are you dying or something?” And David does it anyway. Idiot brother.
Instead of getting mad, Dad laughs, the bark loud and carries. “No. I’m not dying. A good friend just did and I realized… I’m not doing my job as your dad and I need to fix that. I hope that’s okay.”
I grab down a large to-go container and lean down toward Dad. “You bet it’s okay. Ignore, David. He was dropped on his head as a child.”
Dad laughs. “That he was.”
As Dad waves to us and walks back toward his car, David leans toward me and mutters, “You know you were thinking it.”
“Yep, I definitely was. But I wasn’t going to actually say it.” He is a tactless bother, but he is my brother and I won’t trade him for anything.
I want to tell Savvy about the milestone I’d hit with my father and brother. But we aren’t quite talking yet.
How did I go from being awful at relationships to even worse?
All of that trouble with the group was supposed to help me do better, be better. I was supposed to learn and I feel like I got nothing useful out of it.
Or whatever I did get, I didn’t use it
the right way.
I go to study the text thread again.
One way or another, I’m going to figure this out. Even if I burn the brisket.
Chapter 41
Savvy
I can’t make myself fall back to sleep. Not after the visit with Knox that left my insides shaking and my heart lovesick and alone.
What is wrong with me?
I want to reach out to the group, but I can’t ask them about this. Knox can see the thread and I don’t want him to know what I’m thinking. Not yet. Not until I actually figure it out on my own.
But sometime around two, there’s a knock at my door. I have Lila working for me again and I’m trying to get a nap. Standing up from my nap is not something I’m altogether enthused about.
And then I’m opening the door and staring at my neighbor, Blaze. “Yes, what can I do for you? I don’t have your cat.”
“What? No. I’m not here because my cat is missing, although from what I understand, he should be.” Blaze’s expression is sheepish and he reminds me so much of Knox, I could cry.
“Okay, so what can I do for you?” I’m too tired to try very hard to impress him. I don’t care. The only guy I want to impress left hours ago
And I most likely shot my chances with Knox into the sky.
“Actually, it’s not what you can do for me, but what I can do for you.” Blaze moves out of the way and kicks a large bag of kitten food closer toward the door. From the other direction, he drags a fifty-pound bag of litter toward me. “I wasn’t sure what kind you use. I got the non-clumping kind because the lady online said that kittens taste everything and if they lick the litter, it can kill them. So…” He says it almost apologetically. He motions toward the bags. “They’re child support. And just so you know, Blaze has an appointment at the vets to… well, to get himself a little less charming for the ladies.”
I burst out laughing. “Okay, that works. And just so you know, Spike is going in as soon as she’s able so we can make herself a little less… available for the men.”
“Nice.” He glances down and then back at me. “Is there any way I could see the babies? I’ve never seen brand new kittens before.”
“Of course, come on in.” I lead him up the stairs toward the closet where Spike has holed up with her babies and I open the door.
He glances in and sees the orange stripes of the mother and the black coloring of the babies and starts laughing as he kneels down. “Oh, yea, these are Thunder’s. Definitely. Look at how beautiful they are. Wow.” He gingerly pets them and glances up at me. “When you’re ready, I’ll buy one from you.”
Surprised, I blink at him. “Really? Okay. But you don’t have to buy one. You can just pick which one you want.”
After a minute, he stands and smiles. “Well, thanks for letting me intrude. I’ll move the bags inside for you. Tell Knox I said hey. That guy is one of the best you’ll ever get. I’m glad he’s ended up with someone stable like you. Sometimes I worry about the good ones, you know?”
“I… Yeah, I do know.” And he’s right. Knox is one of the good guys. I just want to be mad at him.
I want to blame someone for my loss of control, when what it really comes down to is accepting the fact that I can’t control everything.
No matter how much I pencil in.
So many things can get erased.
Blaze moves the bags inside and then waves as he leaves the house.
I pick up my phone and start a new thread without Knox in it. I don’t want him to know what I have to say.
Not yet.
Me: Okay, I’m an idiot. I love Knox. I can actually accept that now. I love him and I don’t want to lose him. But… I don’t know what to do.
Me: Yes, I do. I’m going to go to him. I need to see him. I need to tell him how much I love him. He’s at the food lot. What if he doesn’t feel the same?
But I’m not waiting for a reply. I’m already in my car, driving toward Coeur d’Alene. The kids are both at friends’ houses. I’ve got nothing to hold me back but fear of rejection.
That just won’t work for me. I can’t stop just because I’m afraid. I need to step forward and fight for what I want.
Knox isn’t Keith. Knox is unlike anyone I’ve ever known. And I’m not going to let him get away.
I’m at the food lot before I know it and my hands hurt from how tightly I gripped the steering wheel for the entire twenty-minute drive.
Climbing from the car, I try not to be in too much shock at the sight that my spot has already been filled. And not with a keto trailer. No, it looks like a seafood truck. Oh, boy.
My strong stride slows as I realize I have nothing planned. I have no idea what I’m doing.
He’s going to tell me to leave. After that morning, he’s not going to want me.
Oh, what am I doing here?
“Hey, we got your back.” Dion calls from her seat on a bench in the middle of the lot. She lifts her hand and wiggles her fingers and I feel like I can actually breathe again.
I nod as I realize Dion, Alex, Apple, and Veve are already at the food lot to at least be my backup. They must have dropped everything to get there for me.
Mandie walks up and sits beside them, winking at me as she does so.
Okay, I have my support. I can do this.
I lick my lower lip and approach the Knox Your Socks Off BBQ truck and stand in line. Thankfully, no one is behind me and I wait, growing more and more anxious the closer I get.
And then I’m there and I’m looking up toward a distracted Knox and I know I have to make it good. Big. And worth it.
“I love you.” I yell it. At the top of my lungs. So loud, I’ve startled the customers at the trailer next to me and the Mexicans working in Sylvia’s trailer.
With my voice still loud and my cheeks on fire with embarrassment, I continue. “Just so you know, when you kiss me, my insides shake. And… I think you taste like brisket. Which just happens to be one of my favorite flavors.”
People are starting to gather around me and the trailer and they’re laughing as I talk. I want them all to shut up so Knox can hear me.
What if he can’t hear me?
I raise my voice even louder, staring into the trailer and looking for him. Where did he go? “Knox? I love you. Can you hear me? I love you and I’m sorry. I… I’m an idiot. I trust you. More than that ex of mine. More than anyone else. I trust you. Can you hear me?” I’m almost screaming at this point and I’m starting to doubt my sanity.
“I can hear you.” But he’s not in the trailer.
I jump and spin to my right. He stands there, with his arms by his sides as he studies me with narrowed eyes. “You really love me?”
I lower my voice, but not too much. I need to make sure he can hear me and that he knows I’m yelling it to the world. “Yeah, I love you. Like… the forever kind. The I-do kind. The… I would eat keto for you.”
He bursts out laughing and shakes his head, reaching for me. “You don’t have to do that. Not for me.” He pulls me close and murmurs just for my ears. “I love you, too. So much.”
Wrong Text, Right Reply: A Sweet Accidental Romance (An Accidental But Perfect Romance Book 1) Page 25
