Time Villains Series, Book 1

by Victor Piñeiro

  “See? You get it. Javi doesn’t get it. You get it.” Wiki just froze. It was awkward.

  “This is all my fault. All of it. Blackbeard. His crew. I had to summon them. I had no choice,” he finally said.

  “Wiki! Snap. Out. Of. It.” Brady snapped her fingers over and over in front of his face. “These guilty vibes aren’t helping one bit. Relax. We need your brain sharp if we’re going to do this.”

  “I’ve been standing here contemplating how dangerous and nearly impossible this mission is,” Wiki whispered. “It’s very dangerous. And nearly impossible.”

  Brady gave him the arched eyebrow. “Impossible? Sure, the forest is huge, but you’re forgetting who we’re dealing with here. These are pirates. They’re loud. And feisty. They don’t exactly hide in the shadows.”

  “Well, it’s incredibly dangerous, at least,” he shot back. “What has everyone always said to us growing up? What does every single adult say literally every time someone mentions the woods? ‘Don’t go into the woods at night.’”

  “Aunt Nancy loves the woods,” I said. “She never says anything about going to the woods at night. She’d probably high-five us right now.”

  “Okay, but everyone else in this town does,” he muttered.

  “Well, I’m no less freaked out than you are, but I don’t think we have a choice,” I said. “It’s either find out the pirates’ plan or wait for them to invade our house and destroy Andy.”

  Wiki put up his finger like he was about to say something, then instead just sighed, shook his head, and followed us down the hill and into the woods. “For the record, I did not endorse this idea,” he muttered.

  “Let’s see. We saw them go into the forest…here,” Brady said, pointing to an opening in the trees. She then pulled two flashlights out of her backpack and handed them to us, taking a third for herself.

  “They’ll spot us for sure if we’re flashing these around,” I whispered.

  “We need to track them. We’re not about to start running around the woods in the dark, hoping we don’t trip on a pirate.”

  Wiki sighed. “You’re both right. We’ll have to proceed with only one flashlight turned on—follow their trail but minimize our visibility.”

  Since Brady brought the flashlights, she got to hold the one we used. It was fine by me—I didn’t want to be in front drawing all the attention.

  For a while, following the pirates’ tracks was surprisingly easy—there was a clear path of broken branches and trampled leaves, and the faint stench of rum and sewage. Brady gave us a few “I told you it was going to be easy” looks as we made our way deeper and deeper into the woods. Then at some point we must have followed the wrong broken branch, because suddenly we found ourselves next to some huge, oddly menacing trees, completely lost without any trail to follow. We circled the scary trees a few times, making sure we hadn’t missed a clue, and got down on our hands and knees, exploring all the branches and leaves on the ground. Nothing.

  Wiki put his hand on his forehead as he shook his head. “Lost? Check. Spooky location? Check. Wanted dead by a group of bloodthirsty pirates? Check. Tonight is going incredibly well. Thank you for your amazing plan, Brady.”

  “This wouldn’t have happened if we’d used three flashlights instead of one, genius!” Brady yelled, throwing her hands up in the air.

  “Tell me you brought a compass in that bag full of stuff.” Wiki sighed.

  Brady made a face. “I’ve got a bunch of rope.”

  “Rope? We’re not spelunking in caves.”

  “Papi always says, ‘Never leave home without rope.’”

  “I think it’s ‘Never leave home without keys,’” I whispered.

  “Well, this was an enormous waste of time,” Wiki huffed.

  “Was it?” Brady asked, going from Ragey Brady to Jolly Brady instantly. I could see her smile reflecting the moonlight. “Shh!”

  Sure enough, we started hearing pirate voices. We froze, then started walking very slowly toward them, trying our best not to trip or make noise. Eventually we could make out what the voices were saying. And we definitely recognized the loudest one.

  “The key is sounding like a harbor seal with really bad indigestion, Bill,” Blackbeard said. “Really burp it out.”

  “Yarrr harrr harr me hearties, avast!” a booming voice said.

  “You’re getting there!” Blackbeard said excitedly. “Now, let’s all try that ‘yar har har’ again. Remember, it’s extra spine-chilling if you say it like a bloodthirsty maniac.”

  “But we are bloodthirsty maniacs,” a rough voice replied.

  “Very true. But more of a loud, boisterous maniac. You might even want to cross your eyes and stick out your tongue a little bit as you say it. Think rabid dog. Ready, on three. One, two, three—”

  “Yarr harr harrrrr!” erupted through the forest.

  “Well, that gave me chills,” Brady whispered.

  “Shh,” Wiki whispered back.

  “Very good, mateys. Remember, we all call each other matey. And I think we pretty much call everyone else matey too. Matey’s an important word. If we had notebooks I’d ask you to write that one down and underline it.”

  “Pirate speak sounds a little idiotic, wouldn’t you say?” a gruff voice said.

  “Completely idiotic,” Blackbeard agreed, “but people here won’t believe that we’re pirates unless we talk like that.”

  At this point we’d snuck behind a fallen tree that overlooked their camp and could make their faces out in the light of their campfire. Usually seeing faces lit by a campfire meant I was roasting marshmallows and singing hokey songs with friends, but these were the last fifteen people I’d ever invite over for s’mores. First off, multiply Blackbeard’s sewer stench by fifteen. Then throw in a bunch of sour or just plain evil-looking faces with mucky beards and the worst breath. And then tack on nonstop belching and gross, gargly laughing. Thanks for ruining campfires forever, Beardo. Most of the pirates were sitting on stumps or on the ground in a semicircle around the fire, with Blackbeard standing at the front, wearing the wildest look in his eyes.

  “So what’s the plan, boss?” a small, snickering pirate asked.

  “Well, apparently I need to buy a big hat and a parrot to put on my shoulder, and one or two of you will need peg legs—I’ll explain that concept later.”

  “No, I mean the plan.”

  “Ah. Right, right, of course. Well, gather around, lads.” He motioned to the pirates who’d been having their own conversations and they immediately ran to his side like he was a general in the army or something.

  “As I told the lot of you before, that table whisked us all into the future more than three hundred years. And a lot has changed. It’s far easier to be a pirate these days. For one, there’s no competition. For another, we don’t have to risk our lives boarding ships and looting privateers anymore. There are far easier ways of getting rich.”

  “Aye, but are they as fun?” asked Bill.

  “Bill, if we do this right, we can buy a ship, buy our own private island, buy a thousand puppies, and then have fun, all day every day.”

  The pirates whistled and clapped.

  “Here’s the rub, mateys. We can rule the world here, and cause lots of mischief in the meantime, but first we have to make sure no one’s sending us back, and we have to be free of our shackles.”

  “Who wants to send us back?”

  “Someone who’s about to get the Blackbeard treatment. And if you think pirate speak is wild, wait until I tell you guys about walking the plank.” He laughed, sending chills up my spine.

  “And what’s this about shackles?” the tall pirate asked.

  “The table,” Blackbeard growled. “You don’t realize it yet, but we’re trapped in this town. None of us can wander freely while the table exists. We need to destroy it to be
free.”

  “No!” Brady whispered loudly. “Not Andy!” She looked at us with tears forming in her eyes.

  “Hey, Roger,” one of the pirates closest to us whispered. An especially large pirate turned to him. “Pass me some of the boy’s grub, eh?” The big pirate handed him something that I couldn’t quite make out in the darkness. “What’d the boss say this is called again? A sandwich?” The big pirate nodded. Sandwich? Did they raid my fridge before they left? Was that my award-winning sandwich in his grubby, disgusting hands? “When this is all over, how about we make the boy our chef and force him to make us sandwiches all day?”

  “NEVER!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. Oops.

  For a second everything seemed fine. Maybe the pirates thought it was one of them. Then they all went completely silent. I looked to my left, and Wiki was glaring at me like he wanted to squish my head.

  “What was that?” the fat pirate asked.

  “It appears we have visitors, gentlemen. Spies. Very, very amateur spies. Shall we show them what we do with spies?”

  “Aye!” the pirates all chanted at the same time, raising their fists in the air.

  “Bill, Roger, head toward the noise. The rest of you, spread out—I doubt this spy is alone.”

  As my eyes darted around frantically, trying to figure out how we’d get out of this mess, I noticed a shadow behind a tree across from us. The shadow from before.

  “I’m not heading anywhere with this stinky heap,” Bill seemed to say. “He smells almost as bad as his mother.” The voice clearly came from the shadow behind the tree, but no one else seemed to notice.

  Roger swung around to face Bill. “I bathe three times a month, ya blubbering buffoon! And leave my mum out of this!” He tackled Bill and the two began wrestling.

  “Don’t partner me up with Stupid Sam,” the shadow said in another pirate’s voice. “We’ll get lost before we leave the camp.”

  “Stupid?” Sam said, looking over at the pirate next to him. “Is this because I can’t tell my right from my left? That’s it!” He head-butted the man and then they rolled around on the floor choking each other.

  Soon all the pirates were either wrestling or trying to break up the fights.

  “Vamonos!” Brady yelled. “Go, go, go!”

  There’s nothing like the threat of being dismembered by a bunch of pirates to get you running faster than you ever have in your entire life. The three of us vaulted out of our hiding place and shot through the forest like bullets. We had two advantages—we knew the forest better than them, and that talking shadow seemed to be on our side. They had one advantage—they were actual, real-life pirates. If I was a betting guy, I would not bet on the three of us.

  At first it felt too easy—that shadow must have really done a number on the pirates, because at least thirty seconds passed between us jetting and Blackbeard screaming, “Enough, you imbeciles! Find them!”

  Just as we were getting our hopes up that we’d escaped, a huge, sweaty pirate jumped in front of us, and in one move scooped up Brady with one arm, held her against his gross stomach, and put the sword to her throat.

  “Don’t move another inch or the girl gets it!” he said quietly. “Haven’t you heard it isn’t wise to anger a pirate, kiddos?”

  Wiki shot back, “Pirate? You’re not a pirate. You don’t talk like a pirate.”

  The pirate suddenly got an awkward look on his face, almost embarrassed.

  “Oh, uh, right. Ahem. Yarrr me heartos! Do as I be sayin’ or she runs the plank! Then it’s straight to, um, Daddy Jones’s locker. Arr harrr! Now… OUCH!”

  The distraction gave Brady enough time to gather her wits. She gave the pirate’s arm a deep Brady-bite, then, when he dropped her, she stomped on his foot, hard. The pirate crumpled over, holding his arm and his foot awkwardly.

  “Run!” Brady shouted and the three of us took off. There were no pirates in sight, and at last we could see the field beyond the forest. We sprinted the last bit until I tripped on a tree root, knocking the wind right out of me. When I picked myself up, Brady and Wiki were laughing and cheering as they leapt out of the forest and back into the meadow. “We did it! We did it!”

  Then two more pirates came out of nowhere and grabbed them.

  32

  I stood frozen at the edge of the woods for a long time, until it was quiet. I’d watched helplessly as the pirates dragged my screaming friends back into the forest, and I was too petrified to do a single thing about it. And now Wiki and Brady were probably shish kebabs.

  “What have I done?” I moaned.

  “It’s what you’re about to do that’s important, Javi.”

  I looked up, and there was Aunt Nancy standing above me, holding out her hand and smiling.

  “Aunt Nancy? Was that you before, with the pirates? And where are they?”

  “Let’s focus on that second question first, hmm? If you’ll kindly follow me, I’ll reunite you with our friends. Just promise me you won’t scream again.” I nodded sheepishly and gave her my hand. She lifted me up, quickly brushed the dirt out of my hair, and nodded once.

  I followed her through the woods, but she walked so fast I practically had to run to keep up. After a while, she stopped, put one finger to her mouth, and whispered, “Shhhhh.” We crept quietly for a while, hearing the sound of voices get louder and louder. Finally we came to a row of trees with a clearing ahead.

  “Wakey wakey, ya lily-livered hornswoggles,” a familiar voice said. Wiki and Brady were tied to trees facing the pirates’ camp. Blackbeard was standing over them looking especially ferocious.

  “What say ya, boss—can we kill him now?” the tall pirate said, pointing at Wiki with his sword.

  “No, that would be too boring. After everything these morons have put me through, they deserve a spectacular death. Well, this one and his friend do, as soon as we find him.”

  Awesome. A spectacular death. Can’t. Wait.

  “But for now, let’s review our nefarious plan. I want these two to hear all about the fear and suffering their teachers and friends are about to go through.”

  “I’ve never understood this section in stories, where the villain reveals his plan to the hero, who then escapes and knows just how to stop them.” Wiki was awake and talking to himself. Blackbeard heard, though.

  “Ha! ’Tis called ‘hubris’ or ‘tragic pride.’ It usually leads to the downfall of the villain,” Blackbeard said. Wiki gave him a look of sheer surprise. “Ya don’t suppose any pirates can read now, can ye? I’ve probably read thrice the books you have, ya pretentious pile of dog meat.” He then got really close to Wiki’s face. “The difference here is that your fate is sealed, boy. You’re in the middle of the woods, tied up with Bill’s famous Deadman’s Knot, which no one has ever escaped from, surrounded by murderous pirates. Explain to me exactly how you’re going to escape and save the day.”

  Wiki looked around and then hung his head in surrender.

  “Sorry, lad, but this story doesn’t end well for you.”

  “That’s the last thing I’m gonna say to you before I defeat you.” Uh-oh. Brady was awake.

  “The spitfire awakens! Ah, but how I missed you. Gents, meet Brady, the future terror of the seas and Queen of Pirates. All hail, Queen Brady!”

  “’Tis an honor, m’lady,” said a couple of pirates as they genuflected.

  For a second Brady was genuinely touched and might have even blushed a little. But then she went into Brady mode and spit in one of the pirate’s faces. The pirate slowly wiped the spit off his cheek. I was sure Brady was about to get skewered and almost screamed. Instead he looked at her in awe. “You’re the bravest kid I’ve ever met. All hail Queen Brady, indeed!”

  Blackbeard motioned to the crew. “All right, me hearties, come gather round, and let’s review the plan.” The pirates gathered around the fire
a dozen or so feet in front of us, and Blackbeard explained how they were going to hunt down the principal in Finistere’s endless maze of hallways and make her walk the plank.

  “We’re gonna escort her all the way to the ocean? Are we gonna build a pirate ship too?”

  “Argh, Teddy, why’d I even bother summoning you? You’re deadweight. Anyone who’s not a blathering idiot see where I’m going with this?”

  “There’s a plank somewhere in the school. And whatever ‘walking the plank’ means, that’s how we get rid of that landlubber.”

  “Precisely, Bill! And bonus points for using pirate words.” Bill nodded and winked.

  “So what’s the plan?”

  Blackbeard pulled out a blueprint of our school that he must’ve stolen from the library. He’d already marked the whole thing up with arrows pointing to different places. He then whipped out a bunch of Monopoly tokens and set them up around the map. Each token represented a pirate. (Teddy spent five minutes arguing about how he should be the dog, not the thimble.) One by one, Blackbeard showed his crew where each one of them would be positioned and how they would all sneak through the school. I wasn’t close enough to the map to see what he was talking about, and I bet Wiki and Brady weren’t either.

  “And remember—stay alert until we get to the field. The forest witch is cunning and dangerous—but powerless outside the woods. Now, questions about the plan?”

  “You mentioned something about the table earlier,” a fat pirate said.

  “Ah, yes. While most of us are at the school, One-Eyed Bob and Dagger Jack will be heading over to the pirate queen’s house, get the table, and meet us at the rendezvous point. And once the principal walks the plank, we destroy the table once and for all.”

  “Never!” Brady yelled.

  “Ah, don’t fret, Queen of Pirates. We’ll build you a new table just like it on our ship.” Blackbeard laughed.

  “Hey, boss. One last question,” Bill said quietly. “Do we know destroying the table will free us? What if it just sends us all back instead?”