Shattered Memories

by Susan Harris

  I stood outside the door and raised my free hand to knock, abruptly stopping when his voice rose, and I listened to one side of the conversation. Assuming he was on the phone wasn’t a stretch because Mom was the perfect hostess and would have sent me with two cups instead of one if we had company. From the growl in his voice, I knew Dad was angry, so I hesitated outside the door and listened.

  “Damn it, Theresa. I told you that the experiments would not continue.”

  “Because it’s unethical… we are not God.”

  “I am your boss—do not forget that—do not threaten me.”

  My father laughed, but it sounded cold and serious. “Theresa, The Grand Masters, will side with me… if Treatment were designed to help those far too damaged to help themselves, then I would be all for it. But your ideas, what you want to do… it’s perverse. We are not such a higher power that we get to decide this for them.”

  A pause followed, much longer than the ones before and then Dad snorted and said, “You have my decision, Theresa. I am sending my report in the morning. No, woman, do not come here….we have nothing to discuss.”

  The phone slammed down and my dad cursed. I had waited barely a second before I knocked on the door, and my dad called, “Come in.”

  Cautiously pushing the door open, I entered, trying to keep my face neutral so dad would not know I had listened in. He looked up from his papers and blinked in surprise, glancing at the clock over my head. “Is it that time already?”

  I smiled. “Yeah, I’ve been here for a while. Mom asked me to bring you a coffee. You work too hard, Dad.” I placed the cup on his overflowing desk when he cleared some space for me, and I turned to leave again, a bit disappointed that he had not been counting down the hours until I returned.

  “Alana, wait. Sit with me for a bit… I want to hear all your news.”

  That brought a smile back to my face, and I sat down on the windowsill. Honestly, it was the only free spot in the office. We exchanged a few remarks about life in the training centre, and he told me that he was speaking there in a couple of weeks and asked if I would like to spend some time together. Maybe we could get together for a meal. Although he would probably be too busy… I appreciated the sentiment.

  The phone on his desk rang again and Dad swore, glancing from me to the phone. Uneasy about the situation, I got up to leave, but he let it ring. Turning from me, he said, “I promise we will have the whole day tomorrow, Alana. I just have a few things I need to tie up tonight.”

  Forcing a smile, I left his office, closing the door behind me. I sighed as he snarled a greeting into the phone. After that, I was happy to return to Mom and her cheerful kitchen where she poured me a fresh cup of coffee and gave me a knowing smile.

  Theresa again. It seemed that she haunted my memories as much as my past. Angry arguments with my mom and Theresa’s name came up. Hushed, disturbing phone calls and my dad uttered her name. All roads led to Theresa Lane, but where did they end?

  Determined to get some answers, I spent the morning preparing for my session with Daniel. I thought back to the most recent dream, remembering that I had been seeing someone special on that last day. Could that person have been Daniel? If that was so, why didn’t he just come out and tell me? Why all the secrets? I was sick of secrets and wanted the truth. At this point in my life, I deserved it.

  Yesterday’s flashback had been incomplete, as if there were a few links missing, and I wasn’t allowed to see the full picture. Now I know I wasn’t responsible for my family’s deaths, but if I didn’t do it, then who did? Was there time? Would I ever find out?

  After I had showered, eaten and changed my clothes, I was ready to interrogate the good doctor. I should have been relaxed, as I had resolved to be but had so many questions. Frustration crept up on me, spreading like wildfire. The more I thought about everything over the past few months, and even the last two days, the more that remained hidden from me.

  Connors must have sensed my tension because he kept unusually quiet as we walked the corridor to Daniel’s office, letting me in without a word. He quickly retreated, but not before I caught a look pass between him and Daniel. What was their deal anyway? They seemed pretty friendly for people from opposite ends of the spectrum.

  I wasn’t the only one who seemed on edge today. Daniel sat behind his desk, but I heard the sound of his foot tapping against the floor. He tidied up some papers on his desk as I eased down into the chair and settled into uncomfortable silence. After a few minutes, I leaned my elbows on the desk and tapped the desk in rhythm with his feet. His leg stopped moving, and he looked up at me with those blue eyes boring into my soul. He raised an eyebrow as if I were a naughty schoolgirl. My fingers continued dancing on the desk.

  “Are you trying to annoy me, Alana?”

  “How does that make you feel?” I said, throwing his favourite phrase right back at him. He ignored me, finally closing a folder and sitting back in his chair. While he ran his hand over his chin, I noticed a thin line of stubble starting on his jawline. It suited him.

  “I understand you had a meeting with the warden yesterday. How did that go?” Those beautiful eyes watched me with caution.

  A shrug was all I could manage. “I can’t shake the feeling she was fishing for something, trying to trip me up somehow.”

  “Did she ask about our sessions?”

  “Yes, and I told her you were doing a fantastic job, and I had started to remember.” The words came out angrier than I meant them to. Daniel blinked at the venom in them.

  “And why does that make you angry? I am trying to help you, remember?”

  That was all I could handle of the games and deceit. I threw my hands up in the air. “But you won’t tell me anything. How can I know what is real and not if you don’t give me a hint.”

  Daniel folded his arms across his chest. “Okay, so ask me questions, and I will answer them.”

  Hesitating, waiting for the punch line or the trick, I stalled. Why else would he change his melody after all these months when he could have just told me straight out.

  “Okay… if you’re sure.” He didn’t say a word. I wasn’t sure he was even breathing, and I swallowed hard. “I remember bits of the night my family was killed and know I didn’t do it.” A long pause hung in the air while I waited for him to speak.

  “Is that what happened in the mess hall yesterday? You had a flashback?”

  I nodded in agreement, my mouth suddenly dry. “Yeah, but I didn’t get the full memory back. It was patchy, like a video skipping certain parts. I heard a noise downstairs and that’s… that’s when I found them.”

  `”But that is not all you remember, is it?” He pushed as if he needed to hear the answer as much as I needed to say it.

  “I think I’ve had glimpses although I know I’m forgetting something important. I can feel it in here.” I pointed to my chest with my finger, right where my heart should be. “Are my feelings for you real? Are those memories real? Are you the one I forgot about?”

  Again the silence and he didn’t answer me. I slammed my open palm down on the desk hard enough for it to sting and suddenly enough for him to jump. This was like drowning, lost in a sea of confusion, frantically trying to hold onto something real. In my heart of hearts, I wanted more than anything for Daniel to be my something real. He opened his mouth to speak, and I knew by his expression that I wasn’t going to like his answer.

  “Don’t… just don’t… if you are going to feed me more psychobabble about me remembering by myself, I swear to God I will punch you in the face.” His lip twitched and I was amazed that he had the nerve to laugh right in my face. “And you’re laughing at me… is my life that funny to you? Just tell me something real for the love of God. Are you my someone… the someone I’m forgetting?” The last sentence came out in a shout and I was on my feet so suddenly that I knocked over the chair. I stood there watching it crash to the ground with a loud bang.

  By that time, I was panting, and my fist
s were balled up, ready and willing to unleash my fury. Daniel sighed, a deep and mournful sound as he got to his feet. Walking slowly around the desk, he put his hands on my shoulders and turned me to face him. Tears welled up and fell, and I let them. Daniel cupped my cheek. Using his thumb, he brushed away a single tear.

  I watched him, really studied him and knew right then that I was in love with him. It was me, the person I was and would be, regardless of anything else. Here I was, the Alana who forgot six months of her life, and I was in love with the blue eyed boy touching me with a tenderness that I craved. But I needed more answers before I did anything else. Was what I believed in my heart and soul true?

  “Are you who I am forgetting?” I begged, needing him to say the words. He had already admitted that he had feelings for me, but was that all? So I asked him again, once more. “Please, Daniel have I really forgotten you?”

  He bent his head closer to mine, and my breath caught in my throat. In one hushed word, I got my answer as the sweetest word in the world crossed his lips. “Yes.”

  An uncontrolled cry escaped, and I rid myself of the mournful feelings. I rose up on my toes so the distance between us was gone. Without regard to anything else, I crushed my lips to his before he had a chance to retreat.

  He reacted immediately, not pulling away but tangling his fingers in my hair as if he was afraid I would try and run. I had no intention of that. It was heated, familiar, and amazing. His lips fit mine perfectly and as his tongue slipped past my bottom lip, I inhaled the scent of him, the images I so desperately needed came back to me in a rush.

  At that moment, I understood how powerful our memories could be. As Daniel kissed me relentlessly, all my memories of him flooded back to me, each one a devastating reminder of what I had almost lost. When I looked back at it, I couldn’t help but be reminded of a quote I once heard. It was about how the pieces of who you were and the ones who make you what you are now, mold into one. I understood the full meaning at that moment. Memories are bullets. Some whiz by and only spook you. Others tear you open and leave you in pieces. I felt as if I had been torn open and exposed for all to see, my memories laid bare.

  Our first meeting, our coffee date, stolen moments in between classes… it all came back. Like a slap in the face, each piece of the puzzle snugly fit into place. I could not hold back the sob that had built up in my throat.

  Daniel pulled back immediately, his expression awash with concern. I traced the contours of his face with my fingertips, remembering the feel of him. As I stared into his eyes, I was reminded of how much I’d always loved him.

  “Daniel? Oh God, Daniel…” I cried into his shoulder. He shushed me and began to apologize, but I stopped him. When I lifted my head and held his gaze, I said, “I’m so sorry, Daniel… I’m so sorry… I don’t know how I could ever have forgotten you.”

  20

  Daniel

  “And I’m not breaking down, I’m breaking out,

  Last chance to lose control.”

  (Muse: Hysteria)

  “I’m sorry.”

  I wasn’t apologizing for anything in particular, just uncertain if I heard her right. But I knew with one look in those dazzling brown eyes that Alana was back. Her mouth curved into a lopsided smile, and I stole a kiss. Part of me still believed that she hadn’t remembered me and that her words are nothing but regret at the relationship she had lost somewhere in the corner of her mind.

  She came up for air but stayed close, her arms now wrapped around my waist. When she cuddled into me, it caused a wave of elation and crashed over me, pushing aside the nagging thoughts of our impending fates.

  “What was so bad that I wiped you from my memory, Daniel? I’m so sorry to have done this to you. I love you.”

  I steered us towards the couch and sat down. She immediately snuggled into me. “You remember everything, right? About us, I mean? Has everything come back?”

  She shook her head. “No, just us … When we first met, our first date, and the first time you held my hand and kissed me.”

  “As I remember it, Alana, it was you who kissed me.” I was amazed that she was in my arms once again, like I always hoped she would be.

  Her smile was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen, then and now, and it was all mine. I drank her in as she continued to speak. “I remember you lying next to me, me watching you sleep… I remember everything… even you talking about your best friend, Chris. Oh, that’s Connors, I take it?”

  “Yup. I asked to be sent here to help you. Alana, being so close to you but being so far away has been torture. I love you, babe, you know that, right?”

  She swept her hair from her eyes and blinked back tears. I kissed her again because I couldn’t help myself. I had been starved for her for so long and greedily took what she offered. Adrenaline raced through my veins and as her fingers brushed the hem of my shirt, I restrained myself and pulled back from her embrace.

  “If we don’t stop now, I will forget that I’m a gentleman.” I swallowed hard at the heat in her eyes and sat back. She sighed and cuddled into me, raising my hand to check my watch before she spoke. “How did you find out?”

  “Connors called me on the morning I was due to drive down to see you and meet your family. He told me what had happened. I tried to get here sooner, but for some reason the warden did not want me here.”

  “But what about the program? You were so excited.”

  “None of it mattered without you.” Alana sniffled, so I continued. “When I finally got assigned here and you walked into my office, I waited for any sign that you recognized me, but you didn’t. I have waited every day since then for some hint.”

  “I didn’t mean to,” she whispered. I kissed the top of her head.

  “I know that, babe. None of this is your fault, but I do have a theory.”

  She sat up straight and waited. “What? Tell me…”

  Inhaling a deep breath, I entwined her fingers with mine. “Your memories seem to come back when your senses trigger something you’ve locked away. Jayson telling you a story, the incident in the mess hall, our kiss…” I paused, unsure how she would handle my next words. “I think if we take you back, back to your house, then we may finally get the result we all want.”

  The cogs turning in her head were almost visible as she thought about what I said. Her nose wrinkled up, and she began to curl the ends of her hair, turning them over with her index finger. I placed my other hand, the one not holding hers, on her thigh to steady her, let her know that I was there for her.

  “What if I can’t go back? I’ve seen the aftermath, what if what I don’t remember is worse?”

  “If this is your last chance to finally get answers, are you willing to let your fear stop you?”

  She shook her head and allowed a bitter laugh to taint the moment. “One problem with your plan, Daniel. I’m in prison for murder. They aren’t exactly going to say ‘Oh, hey, sure, no problems. Of course, you can go on a day trip with your boyfriend. By the way, how do they not know we know each other?’”

  I traced circles on her thigh and smiled. “Neither of us were really social butterflies. A small number of people knew we were seeing each other and thankfully most of them are overseas on assignment. Not many requested to be sent to this wing of the prison and luckily no new positions have come up that need to be filled with graduates.”

  She was about to say something when the door opened suddenly, but we couldn’t shift positions in time. Chris Connors stepped in, the door closing and his mouth forming an O. He laughed and threw his hands up in the air.

  “Finally! Please tell me your girl has got some of her noodles back in the box because the sexual tension between you two was starting to drive me crazy!”

  We both stared at each other and all three of us laughed. “Yes, Connors, Alana got her memories of us back. We are still working on the rest.”

  “Well, praise Jesus. McCarthy, your boy has been a pain in my ass for months now. Tryi
ng to keep this a secret has been a bitch.”

  Alana beamed at him. “Thanks, Connors—for keeping us both safe. I don’t think we can ever repay you.”

  His grin widened. “Don’t mention it, McCarthy. I’d do anything for Danny-boy and now you too. But as much as I hate to break up the lovebirds, you still have to play inmate, and Danny-boy here must pretend to be a real doctor.”

  I shook my head as I reluctantly rose, pulling Alana with me. Taking her face in my hands, I gave her a quick kiss. Connors whistled. “Come on, Romeo. You waited six months for her to remember, one more day ’til you see her again won’t kill you.”

  Before I could sneak another kiss, Connors pulled her away, and she blew one back at me before they were out the door. Alone again. Did that just happen? I have her back. I really have her back. When they were gone, I went to the cupboard and pulled out the almost empty bottle of whiskey and took a slug from the bottle. It seemed like a whiskey type of moment.

  Sitting back down at my desk, bottle in hand, my mind started planning the next move on the chessboard. I needed Alana away from here, and if that meant making a phone call that would either work in our favour or not, I was willing to try. It was a long shot, but if the last few months had taught me anything, it was that I could be persuasive when I wanted to be.

  Taking another swig from the whiskey bottle, Dutch courage I suppose, I picked up the phone and dialled the extension to speak with the warden.

  I waited for the call to connect and asked to speak with her. Apparently, she was not taking calls that day, and I was asked to leave a message. I said that it was important that I speak with her because it was in regard to the welfare of an inmate. A click sounded on the line and then another as the secretary, who most likely spoke to the warden, came back to me. She asked me to hold the line, which I did. Waiting an anxiety filled five minutes was torture until my call was picked up.

  “Dr Costello, what is so important that you could not wait?”