Shattered Memories

by Susan Harris

  “Forgive me, Warden, but as time is of the essence, I felt a sense of urgency was called for in this case.” My fingers tightened on the bottle as I continued. “Miss McCarthy has recovered a lot of her memory from the night in question, and I believe I may have the solution to ensure we all gain the truth about that night.”

  “And what might that solution be?” Her tone was clipped and short, but she gave no inclination of her feelings about Alana remembering.

  “Alana’s memories have returned due to her mind’s reaction to certain sensorial triggers. She has the flashbacks of the aftermath back but has described having holes, gaps in them. I believe if I were allowed to bring her back to the scene of the crime, it might trigger the last of those memories that her mind has locked away.”

  Silence and static greeted me on the line, and I waited. My pulse raced and my heart did its best impression of a bass drum.

  “Are you serious, Doctor? Are you honestly asking me to allow a convicted murderer a day pass on the off chance she decides to tell the truth?” Her voice wavered, and I made out the barest hint of anger in it.

  “I am, Warden. I take my research very seriously. If taking her back to where it all started will uncover who really killed her family, then is it not worth that? You and Cormac McCarthy were friends. Don’t you want to know what actually happened?”

  More static, and I inhaled and held my breath.

  “I have always wondered why you were so interested in this girl, Doctor? What caused you to give up your life and other research to come here and study her?” I caught the hidden meaning behind her words. She was trying to intimidate me, force me to reveal something that I wouldn’t and couldn’t. I swallowed hard and began to reply, almost choking on the words.

  “It has nothing to do with the girl. It is all about the research. Do you know how much money I will get in grants and awards if my report on this is published? I can pay off the debts my father saddled me and my aunt with. Unlocking Alana’s past has more to do with what it will do for my career than proving her innocent. This little project of mine could make my career.” The line went dead for a long moment, but I heard her breathing. “I may be young, Warden, but I am ambitious. I would not have studied hard to become the youngest in my field if I weren’t. I want to make a name for myself and am grateful to anyone who helps me get there.”

  The lies made me feel dirty as my stomach twisted, and I tried to remind myself that although the words were not true, that everything I said and did was for Alana. I heard the sigh in my ear and shifted the phone to the other side.

  “And when would you like to organize this outing, Dr Costello? You cannot take a dangerous prisoner out alone. These things take time to arrange.”

  “While I appreciate that, Warden, in Miss McCarthy’s case, time is not a luxury we have. I have a vehicle we can use and was hoping to go as soon as possible, tomorrow maybe. Once you have signed off on it, then all I need is for you to assign a guard. I don’t wish for it to be a disruption, Warden, but we are pressed for time.”

  “I cannot let you go off on a whim because you think the girl will remember.”

  Taking a gulp of whiskey to take the dryness out of my mouth, I found comfort in the way it burned the back of my throat. “In my professional opinion, Warden, I think the expedition would be beneficial to Miss McCarthy. If she does remember, then it may grant her some much-needed closure before her death day.”

  I heard her fingers drum against something while she mulled over what I’d said. She took her time, keeping me waiting, each second stretching out as if it were hours. Closing my eyes, I prepared for her to reject my proposal and dash all hope of helping Alana. In agony at the delay, I bit back the urge to say, “Well?” It would have gotten me nowhere with her. Instead, she beat me to it with a sigh.

  “Fine, I will allow you to take her tomorrow. Although I cannot let you go with just one guard, Dr Costello. Her supervising officer is Christopher Connors. He is reliable. Officer Connors will drive you both. I will send him to you with the release forms, and he can choose another guard to accompany you. That will ensure everyone’s safety. Should Miss McCarthy step out of line, then Connors or his counterpart will use force if necessary, behaviour chip or not.”

  The excitement overwhelmed me, and I gave her my thanks. “I understand. Thank you, Warden. Your assistance will be noted in my report.”

  That must have pleased her because she made a hmm sound as if agreeing with something unsaid. Perhaps she thought I would praise her work here in the UADC, when, in fact, the report I was putting together would only discredit her. If only I could uncover the secrets that lurked in the cage. For now, I had higher priorities.

  “I want to know what comes of your little outing, Dr Costello. Should you learn something new, don’t hesitate to let me know. It would be frightful to think that poor Alana might meet her death for crimes she has not committed.”

  She tested me again, and I heard her questioning Alana’s innocence to provoke me. I saw through the unspoken words and the tone of her voice and remained calm despite my rapid pulse and beating heart. We had come too far to stumble now.

  “I can assure you now that she hasn’t. Her memory indicates a detail that another person was in her house that night, long after she had gone to bed. She heard voices downstairs and gunshots and remained alive because we can only imagine the murderer did not know she had arrived home for the weekend. It was the only reason she was not killed along with Cormac, Sorcha, and Sophia. Alana did not kill her family, and we are very close to discovering the real perpetrator.”

  The sharp, gasping intake of breath brought a smile to my face.

  “I hope so, Doctor. Good day.” The phone clicked in my ear, and I stared at it. How in the hell did I pull that off? I set the receiver down and drained the last of the bottle with one swig. Suddenly, I had no energy. The emotional highs and lows of the conversation were excruciating, and I sat back in my chair and closed my eyes. I had waited for this day for so long, and now that it was here, I shut down. The whole resolution was anticlimactic.

  I must have drifted off because the next thing I knew I was being shaken awake by a grinning Connors. Rubbing my face, I tried to wake up while Connors plopped a folder on my desk. I reached to open it. Release papers. Flipping through them, I still couldn’t believe it. We would get out of there for only a few hours, but it was an important achievement.

  “So, we’re going on a road trip,” Connors said. It was more of a statement than a question, but his voice reflected doubt. He pulled a bag of peanuts from his pocket and tossed one into his mouth. “Danny-boy, you have a way with words, my man. How did you manage it?”

  “By pretending to be a cruel bastard and saying that my career was more important than the truth. She lapped it up.”

  Connors popped another peanut into his mouth. “By any means necessary, my friend. Success any way we can get it.”

  “She also believes that you are reliable, and she can depend on you to protect me.”

  “Ha! I do like my reputation for helping damsels in distress. Does that make you a damsel? Oh, Danny, does this mean I get to drive your car?” The Cheshire cat had nothing on him.

  “You break it, you buy it. Any idea who you will get to come with us? We need someone trustworthy, not a spy for Theresa.”

  “Megan will come. I’m sure I can keep her distracted for a couple of hours.” He beamed his cheeky smile, and I shook my head at him.

  “We are supposed to be saving the love of my life, not feeding your ego.”

  “I am willing to take one for the team, Danny-boy. Let me be a hero.”

  I snickered and found the tension that had built up in my gut was tying me in knots. Tomorrow would make or break us. It would be the last chance to get Alana to remember. I hoped she was up for the challenge. A single hurdle was left to clear before I could signal for everything to begin. One way or another, she would be free.

  21

&
nbsp; Alana

  “Secrets don’t sleep ’til they’re took to the grave.”

  (Bring me the Horizon: Shadow Moses)

  I spent the night tossing and turning, conflicted in my emotions. While I felt elated that I had finally remembered Daniel, the guilt and sadness at having lost him in the first place was like a boulder on my chest. How could you forget someone you loved with every fibre of your being? Why in God’s name would your mind do such a horrible thing to you? Thinking about my feelings for Daniel since I first saw him, when my memories were gone, was all that brought hope for me. If that beacon could lead me to the truth, how could I forget him?

  But as much as I longed to bask in the warm, fluttering feeling that I had thinking of Daniel, I was worried about him. If word got out about us, he would be arrested and an immediate death sentence awaited him. Connors would pay the price too. My gut feeling was that Jayson was also in on their plan, but I hadn’t confronted him yet. Daniel had brought all of them together to protect me. I hoped his efforts would not be in vain.

  Night turned into day, the black of night slowly faded to allow a small sliver of light to penetrate the grey clouds and let sun rays dance on my walls. The door to my cell slid open, and I listened to the sounds in the hallway as inmates made their way down to breakfast. The idea of eating was repulsive to me at the time because of the tension throughout my body. Eating might make me sick. Missing a session with Daniel was not an option.

  So I lay there, stressing, and even though I tried to play the new memories over in my mind, I couldn’t help but fret about going back home. If Daniel were successful, then I would have to go back to the house and try and picture their bodies and get myself to remember who killed them. Panic rose in my chest, and I tried to quash it down, bury it under images of my lips on his, the feel of my hands on his skin and breathe in the scent of him. I hadn’t noticed until then, until I actually fully remembered him, that Daniel smelled of soap and apple. The scent was from shampoo he had used when we were in training together.

  I was so caught up in my thoughts that, at first, I didn’t notice a presence standing in the doorway. Hoping the guard would leave me in peace to count down the minutes until I was safe and loved in Daniel’s arms, I ignored him. He cleared his throat, but I still didn’t move until he spoke. “Hey.”

  The familiar voice jerked me to attention. Swinging my legs free of the blanket, I sat up to look at him. Daniel leaned in the archway, a smug look on his face. Dressed in dark jeans and a snug, plain blue T-shirt, his brown hair was slicked back to reveal the full shape of his face. His startling blue eyes, the way his cheeks dimpled when he smiled, and even the smallness of his nose amazed me. And he was mine.

  “Hi,” I replied, unsure of what else we could say with so many eyes watching.

  “You okay after yesterday?”

  I nodded and smiled, a bit embarrassed that all I wanted to do was kiss him again. A voice inside told me to do that so I wouldn’t forget him again.

  “Do you know how hard it is for me not to just go over there and kiss you?”

  I blinked in surprise, scanning outside my cell to make sure no one could hear. “Daniel, you have to be careful.”

  “It was worth the chance to see the look on your face.”

  “Not that I’m not grateful to see you first thing in the morning when I look like a hot mess, but why are you here?” By that time, I was shaking my head and laughing.

  He remained where he was, and his smile widened. “You always look beautiful first thing in the morning. Plus, we have a long day ahead of us. You up for a day trip?”

  Daniel might not be every girl’s first choice, but when he said charming things like that, I would agree to anything, no matter what it was.

  “You got permission to go?”

  “I did.”

  I swallowed hard and chewed on my bottom lip. That was it. I was going back there. Oh, God, what if I freaked out? What if the memories didn’t come back to me? In a few weeks, I would be eighteen and dead. At that point, everything Daniel, Connors, and whoever else was in on this did, would be for nothing.

  The world spun. I could not fill my lungs with enough air for them to function. My palms began to sweat and hot tears rolled off my cheeks. I feared I was dying and the panic would take me down with it.

  And then a soft hand slipped into mine, warm and comforting. I tried to focus on him, elevate the vice grip on my insides and suck it up. But as I closed my eyes while Daniel tried to soothe me, I could not grasp what he was saying. Instead, I focused on a happy memory of me and him alone, wrapped in each other’s arms as the sun descended before us. I pictured myself back there, safe and sound. Slowly, the panic lessened, and I could breathe again.

  I peered sideways at Daniel as he lingered on the edge of the bed. As patient as ever, he said nothing while he watched me with concern until I calmed enough to speak. “Sorry… I’m a mess.”

  He brushed a loose bit of hair from my eyes, and when his fingertips grazed my forehead, I shivered, a good shiver under his touch.

  “Don’t ever apologize to me for being scared. I’d have fallen to pieces if I were in your shoes. But we can do this—together—we can do this.”

  He took his hand from mine and stood. I did the same. Once I had put my shoes on, Daniel gestured me to follow him. Certain that everyone’s eyes were on me as we walked side by side, I tried to act normal. My suspicions about Jayson were confirmed when I caught sight of his brilliant smile and a cheeky wink when he spotted us together. I fought not to laugh.

  When we came to the door, Connors was standing there with one of the female guards. She was extremely pretty, her gorgeous red hair pulled into a side braid. From the way she looked at her redheaded counterpart, she had a crush on Connors. I watched as she pulled a pair of handcuffs from her pocket. Daniel put out a hand to stop her.

  “Is that necessary? Alana is not coming under duress.”

  “It is protocol,” she grumbled.

  Connors cracked his neck from side to side. “C’mon, Meg. McCarthy here won’t try anything. You have my word.” He grinned at her and she returned the cuffs to her pocket.

  “Fine, but try anything and we will have some serious trouble.” She spun on her heels and sashayed away, with Connors’ eyes trailing her. He looked up and spotted me laughing and simply chuckled, a deep and resonating, familiar sound.

  We followed the guards through the labyrinth of corridors, passing the exit for the yard and walked for what seemed like forever. When we arrived at a security desk, Connors handed over a bunch of papers and flashed his ID. The plump desk guard looked me up and down before grunting and pushed a button that opened a heavy door. I studied the door out of sheer amazement. Our cell doors were so high-tech that it was sometimes easy to forget that the outside of the prison was surrounded by stone walls spanning the entire country. Its entrances were heavily guarded by metal doors, in case technology failed.

  I stepped out into the air and got blasted by a whoosh of wind. As I stumbled on the gravel, Daniel caught me by the elbow to stop me from eating the dirt. The wind tousled his hair, but he just grinned at me, letting go of my elbow when he had determined I could actually be trusted to walk in a straight line. Thankfully, he didn’t make any comments about ninety-pound weaklings.

  Daniel threw a set of keys at Connors and jogged towards the vehicle. While we waited for him to return, I took in my surroundings. Miles of brick encircled us. The only other thing visible from our viewpoint was the overpowering building that had been my home for months.

  From outside, the prison appeared bleak and barren, showing no signs of the technology or state of the art gadgetry that was flaunted on the inside. I watched the faint glint of the sun bouncing off the glass roof and wondered which window wall enclosed my cell. Strangely, I did not have the sense of freedom I’d expected when I stepped outside. Instead, I experienced an overwhelming sense of exposure. Nowhere to run or hide, out in the open for all t
o see.

  Screeching tires brought me out of my thoughts, and I heard Daniel groan as Connors pulled up in a long, sleek, black car. When it came to a sudden stop in front of us, a pile of dust was left in its wake. The passenger door opened, and I laughed. That earned a stern look from Meg. The driver’s grin spanned from ear to ear. Daniel just shook his head and said nothing, opening the rear door for me. I climbed in the car, sliding across the leather seats to make room for Daniel, and he slammed the door behind him with a bang.

  “Connors, try to keep my tires in one piece if you don’t mind. I recently had them replaced.” Connors looked over his shoulder into the back seat and just wiggled his eyebrows, grinning like an idiot.

  Megan slipped into the passenger seat, and I heard a click as she pressed something on the dash that locked us in. This was not the car I remembered Daniel driving. His old car had been a beat-up, blue square of a thing that he had christened Smurf. I think it was a Ford Fiesta, and it made more noise than the volume of the radio could cover.

  But this car was luxury and elegance all in one. It screamed newness, from the polish on the dash to the scent of air freshener mixed with leather. Daniel had always been careful with his money. He’d earned quite a lot lecturing and consulting, but I wondered what had made him decide to splurge.

  Connors drove slowly towards the main gate, and we waited as the gigantic metal door slide sideways. The gate moaned and groaned as if opening was an inconvenience. I waited, my nerves starting to grip hold again. The emotions didn’t ease up even as Connors put his foot on the accelerator, and we peeled out of the prison with another squeal of the tires.

  I wanted to speak with Daniel, use his voice to talk my mind off the feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. Megan’s beady eyes focused on me, so I turned and gazed out the window. Outside the car, the scenery whizzed by, and I did not get the chance to enjoy my first, and most likely last, trip to the outside world.