Teresa: Everybody Loves Large Chests (Vol.5)

by Neven Iliev

  “Fizzy,” Lola spoke sternly.

  “What?”

  “Clothes.”

  “Oh, right.”

  The naked golem-girl nonchalantly left the room.

  “What… just happened?” Jessie asked warily.

  “She forgot to dress herself. It happens sometimes since she can’t actually feel the clothes on her skin.”

  “But she doesn’t have skin.”

  “You know what I mean, smartass.”

  “Sorry.”

  “But yeah, she’ll be back. Just, give her a minute or two.”

  When Fizzy returned, she was wearing her favorite outfit: a leather-strapped crop-top, some baggy trousers, metal-plated boots, and a set of spiked kneepads. Granted, calling it her ‘favorite outfit’ may have been correct, but it was also misleading. In reality, this was Fizzy’s only outfit. The golem had tried washing it, but hadn’t done a particularly good job. They were still soaking wet and had some unsightly black splotches, though neither of those flaws seemed to bother her.

  “So, what were you talking about earlier?” she inquired.

  Jessie, who had plenty of time to work on her apology, hopped off her seat and bowed deeply.

  “Please forgive me for my earlier behavior! I didn’t know about your circumstances and I-”

  “Easy there, munchkin,” the Paladin stopped her. “What you did back there? You weren’t the first and you definitely won’t be the last, so let’s just put all that stuff behind us and get down to business.”

  Fizzy sat cross-legged on the floor with her hands on her knees. Understanding the gesture, Jessie quickly mirrored it. It was an old gnomish custom with similar connotations to humans shaking hands. It was both a sign of good faith when meeting someone else and an invitation to hold a productive and meaningful exchange of ideas.

  “So, who are you anyway?” Fizzy started things off.

  “My name is Jessiwick Wobblebang. I’m an Artificer that was hired to assist in the city’s defense.”

  “I’m Fizzy. Paladin, Artificer, and Golem, currently in service to the 3rd Legion. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

  With official introductions out of the way, the soggy construct moved onto the meat of the matter.

  “So, Jessiwick-”

  “Please, call me Jessie.”

  “Alright then, Jessie – why were you looking for me?”

  “Uhm… I guess I’m just interested in you. Purely academically!” she quickly added. “It’s just that something keeps nagging at me to find out how you’re put together – what makes you tick. I mean, I never thought golems like you existed! You’re just way too fascinating!”

  “Mhm, mhm. I totally get where you’re coming from,” Fizzy nodded sagely. “I am quite awesome, after all.”

  “Oh boy, here we go,” mumbled Lola while resting her face in her palms.

  “Even though it’s my own body, I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of looking at it. For example, consider the joints and mechanisms that move my fingers around. I’ve had these bad boys for months and I’m still amazed at how smoothly and efficiently they operate. It’s downright hypnotizing, I tell you! Why, just last night I ended up staring at my hands for three hours straight. I was so engrossed I forgot to breathe, and then I remembered that I didn’t need to breathe. It was quite troublesome.”

  “Ah… I, uh, see…” Jessie spoke nervously.

  The gnome felt like she’d stepped on one of her own landmines, albeit one that showered her in gratuitous self-praise rather than fire and shrapnel. Honestly, she wasn’t sure which was worse, so she tried changing the topic.

  “That aside, could I ask for your full name?”

  The golem’s excited face froze for a second, then slowly deformed into a peeved one. She eyed Jessie up and down before giving a defeated sigh. She knew better than anyone that if a gnome genuinely wanted to know something, they would find out eventually. Though she disliked talking about it, she figured it best to get this out of the way now. At the very least she’d be able to control the damage.

  “Fine,” she consented. “I don’t go by it anymore, but my given name is Cornie Fizzlesprocket.”

  “Fizzlesprocket!? As in the Fizzlesprockets?!”

  Jessie’s shouted reaction took Lola by surprise, although Fizzy seemed to have more or less expected it.

  “Yeah, the Fizzlesprockets,” the golem cringed.

  “Oh, wow! It’s such an honor!”

  “I don’t get it, is it really that big a deal?” the dumbfounded elf butted in.

  “No, it’s not a big deal! It’s a huge deal! A monumental deal!” Jessie rapidly mouthed off. “The Fizzlesprockets were among the first generation of Artificers. They’ve been tinkering and building gizmos long before the Job came into existence! If that wasn’t enough, they’re also the ones that brought the Arclight Artificer specialization into the world thirty-four years ago! I mean, they don’t hold as much political influence as the Castmaster clan, but they’re widely considered to be at the forefront of Artificers! In fact, Rory Fizzlesprocket was considered to be the most likely candidate for the next Level 100 Artificer before he left Horkensaft for… the… Empire… Oh.”

  A grim realization dawned on the woman. Indeed, the Fizzlesprocket clan was of great importance within the tinkering community. Even a nobody like Jessie was aware that there was only one person who carried their distinguished name beyond the borders of her home country. When considering those rumors alongside Lola’s story and Fizzy’s apparent age, it wasn’t difficult for her to put two and two together.

  “I’m, uh, sorry for your loss,” Jessie said solemnly.

  “Hmm? What’s this now?”

  “Your father, he’s… dead. Isn’t he?”

  “Oh. Yeah, he is.”

  “You seem… oddly okay with this.”

  “It was a long while ago. Well, feels like it, at least. Besides, my father was a fool. His idiotic views were why the head house disowned our part of the family in the first place.”

  “They did what?!”

  “Oh yeah, we didn’t leave Horkensaft. We were forced out of it.”

  “I… I’m sorry, I had no idea.”

  “Look, I don’t want to get into politics or dig around the past. They’re a huge waste of my time as well as yours. If you want to talk about something worthwhile, then make it snappy. I have stuff to do and places to be.”

  Those were ‘anything else’ and ‘anywhere else,’ respectively.

  “Right, yes, of course! Then, uh, if you don’t mind me asking, what is it you were working on back there?”

  “I was preparing a custom set of Boom-tubes for a friend of mine.”

  “You mean those explosive arrowheads they’ve had us making for the past week?”

  “Probably. Why? Got a problem with them?”

  “No, not at all. Just the opposite, actually. The schematics we got were beautifully drawn and well-documented. The instructions were so thorough that even the idiots that came with me learned to make them in less than a day. Whoever designed those things is a genius!”

  As an explosives afficionado, Jessie felt particularly exhilarated whenever she worked with new ways to blast things into tiny pieces.

  “Mhm, mhm, though it’s only natural,” Fizzy started nodding again. “I am pretty brilliant, after all.”

  “C-could it be? You invented them?!”

  “You know it! Well, the idea came from someone else, but I was the one to put it into practice. It’s also quite the flexible concept, if you know what you’re doing.”

  The golem reached into one of the pouches at her waist, taking out a grenade exactly like the one she had used in that last skirmish. Jesse instantly pieced together what she was looking at after a single glance at that metal tube and the heavily modified hand-crossbow dangling from the golem’s belt. The gnome couldn’t help but be impressed by the sheer precision necessary to craft one of those. It also explained why the senior Art
ificer had been experimenting with impact gel. The mixture had to be prepared and applied just right so that the grenade would explode from the force of its front hitting something, but not from the stress of being launched from a crossbow.

  “That’s seriously amazing!” her admiration overflowed. “As expected of a Fizzlesprocket, you truly are-”

  “Will you shut up, Plus?!”

  Jessie swallowed her words when the golem suddenly yelled.

  “Yes, I know, but we still have some time, right?” Fizzy continued, her gaze fixed on an empty spot on her left. “Okay, yeah, but how often do I get to meet someone who truly appreciates my creations?!”

  Jessie glanced questioningly at Lola, who responded with a ‘don’t get me started’ look while gently shaking her head.

  “Oh! That could work! Let’s go with that then.”

  The golem agreed with someone who wasn’t there.

  “No, don’t do that!”

  She then resumed arguing with this nonexistent individual.

  “Because that would be moronic. And I’m not a moron, am I? Yeah, didn’t think so!”

  The seemingly unstable golem stood up and went for the door before she suddenly stopped and drooped her shoulders.

  “Oh, alright, fine! But not tonight. We’ll do it sometime tomorrow, okay? Okay.”

  Fizzy looked over her shoulder at the aggressively neutral-faced elf and the hyperactive gnome whose mouth kept opening and closing despite the absence of any actual words.

  “Hey Lola, you coming with or what?”

  “You know it.”

  “Jessie, what about you?”

  “Uhm… I- that is- Where- What- Who-”

  “She’s coming, yes,” the towering elf stood from her seat. “And she’s going to be quiet and respectful while she’s with us. Right, Jessie?”

  “Yes! Of course!”

  After instantly succumbing to Lola’s intimidating tone, the fleshy gnome rose from the floor and silently followed the metallic one. As the trio stepped out of the murky house, Fizzy stole the gnome’s breath away. Though the golem had cleaned off that black soot, it wasn’t until she walked out of the dingy house and stood in the afternoon sun that the full extent of her cleanliness was made apparent. The golem hadn’t just rinsed herself off – she was absolutely spotless. She completely and thoroughly rid herself of even the tiniest speck of griminess, leaving behind nothing but lustrous, glimmering mithril. Her skin was so smooth, so pure that Jessie could see her own reflection staring back at her in almost literally blinding detail.

  The sunlight that bounced off of Fizzy’s frame was so bright that it bathed her surroundings in a warm, gentle light. An extraordinary radiance danced around her in response to even the slightest movement. Even Lola – who had known her for a while – couldn’t help but marvel at the sight. Jessie, on the other hand, was absolutely stupefied. How hadn’t she noticed this opulent magnificence when she first saw the golem in front of the wall? Then again, she was covered in blood, dust, mud, and other miscellaneous filth at the time that no doubt vastly diminished her shininess.

  It occurred to Jessie that she might be doing something extremely rude. Given how bumpy their first meeting was, the gnome averted her gaze away from Fizzy’s head out of guilt. She was, of course, completely unaware that the golem actually wanted to be stared at in such a brazen, awestruck manner. The ignorant gnome wiped the drool from the edge of her mouth and looked around to get her bearings.

  “Are we going towards the city center?” she asked Lola.

  The vast plaza in question was roughly sixty meters wide and twice as long. It was basically the only landmark in the entire city. One could easily find it at any time by looking around for the roofs of city hall, a trio of grain silos, and a stone tower belonging to some adventurer guild. These structures were situated around the city center and were tall enough to be easily seen from any street. That was mostly because no other buildings had a height greater than two stories. The locals had plenty of land to work with, so New Whitehall expanded outwards rather upwards.

  “Yeah, we are,” Lola confirmed. “We’re gonna meet up with someone we know.”

  “Oh, okay. But, uh, why did you insist that I come along?”

  An ill-suited expression of worry washed over Lola’s stoic face.

  “Well, to be honest, Fizzy has been a bit down in the dumps lately. She tries to hide it, but I can tell. I just thought making a new friend might cheer her up.”

  “Really? She seems pretty cheerful already, doesn’t she?”

  Indeed, the faint ‘muffin man’ song coming from the golem several steps in front gave Jessie the distinct impression she was smiling happily even though she couldn’t see her radiant face.

  “Well, yeah, but today’s kind of a special day. What about tomorrow? Or the day after? We all need good companions to keep us grounded, and I doubt anyone can relate to her as well as you could.”

  “If you say so…”

  “What? You don’t like her or something?”

  “No, no, no! Nothing like that! I would totally love to get to know her better! Er, as long as she’s okay with it, of course!”

  “I don’t mind,” Fizzy piped up from the front. “Just keep your filthy meatbag fingers to yourself, yeah? I really hate stains, you see.”

  “Yes, ma’am!”

  Jessie wholeheartedly agreed with this point after witnessing the golem’s divine radiance. Sullying that impeccable frame with her oily fingers seemed like an act of heresy worth at least three Levels of Taboo.

  “Oh, wow,” Lola raised her eyebrows. “She must like you quite a bit.”

  “Wha-? Really?!”

  “Most definitely.”

  “How can you tell?”

  “You lasted almost twenty minutes before you got called a filthy meatbag. I think that’s a new record.”

  “… Oh.”

  The trio continued walking in relative silence for several minutes until they reached their destination. The plaza was still as huge, unroofed, and crowded as the day Jessie got here. If she was the same as she was back then, this sort of environment would have her hyperventilating and looking for a rock to crawl under. This new and improved Jessiwick Wobblebang was a different person. A little older, a little wiser, and dealing with so much shit that it made her agoraphobia seem like a nostalgic distraction.

  “See? We made it just in time,” Fizzy spoke, possibly to herself. “Yeah, I know, I’ll take care of it later.”

  Make that definitely to herself.

  As to what they were in time for, that was plainly obvious. The large archway of stone and vines in the middle of the plaza – otherwise known as a Forest Gate – was in the process of warming up. As usual, there was a crowd of people, wagons, and guards on one side waiting for the teleportation circle to activate. The newly arrived trio stood at the edge of the designated arrivals’ area just as the monolithic device ripped a hole in space. Although the spectacle of a gigantic portal surprised Jessie the first time she saw it, she had already grown used it to it. She silently prayed to whatever gods might be listening that nothing weird or bizarre came out of that portal.

  Unfortunately for her, the only deity who might have cared about a wish like that was actually quite partial to such shenanigans. And indeed, said shenanigans occurred mere seconds after the Forest Gate came online.

  *THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM*

  A dull, thumping noise echoed rhythmically throughout the buzzing plaza as row after row of dwarves exited the portal in perfect step. They were well-disciplined, extremely organized, and armed quite literally to the teeth. They had rectangular shields as thick and tall as they were, an array of imposing axes, pikes, and war picks, what looked like heavy crossbows strapped to their backs, and a set of superbly heavy full-plate armor. All the gear was dyed the shade of charcoal with golden highlights, except for the tabards draped over their breastplates. The cloth garments bore the Republic flag’s silver-and-black colo
rs, marking these soldiers’ allegiance.

  “Independent mercenaries,” Lola stated after sensing Jessie’s confusion.

  “… I’m pretty sure those are the Horkensaft Kingdom’s armed forces, miss Lola.”

  Indeed, there was not a single citizen of the gnome’s homeland that wouldn’t immediately recognize the telltale rhythm of the Obsidian March.

  “Experienced independent mercenaries,” the elf insisted.

  “No, no, no, that’s definitely- You know what, never mind.”

  There clearly were political dealings at work here, but Jessie knew better than to open that particular can of worms. Instead, she looked on with a mix of awe and nostalgia as exactly twelve hundred of her homeland’s elite soldiers passed by her in an orderly fashion. She and some of the other onlookers even waved to them as if this was some kind of parade, though none of the soldiers returned the gesture.

  “Oh? Here she comes!”

  As for Fizzy, she couldn’t care less about the canned meatbags. Her excited tone of voice drew Jessie and Lola’s attentions to the portal once more. However, the only thing the gnome saw was the disorderly convoy of carts following in the dwarven soldiers’ wake. Compared to that inspiring march, there really didn’t seem to be anything of interest about them. In fact, they were so unimportant to her that she barely even realized they were there until just now.

  Her gaze was then drawn to a head of fiery red hair topped by a pair of white-furred, triangular ears. The young, tan-skinned owner of that marvelous crimson mane momentarily stared in the gnome’s direction before she broke out in an unrestrained quadruped run. The guards immediately moved as if to block the suspicious individual, but she just idly leaped over them, rolled on the ground, and kept running with all haste right towards the shiniest of shinies that ever shined.

  “Fiiiiiizzzziiiiieeee!”

  *CLUNK*