Teresa: Everybody Loves Large Chests (Vol.5)

by Neven Iliev

  “Won’t happen,” the elf cut in. “I know how you feel, but that guy won’t let you go so easily – you’re way too valuable. Our best bet to be in the same unit is to have Keira join ours as an XO.”

  “Come to think of it, our last XO went AWOL five days ago, didn’t she?”

  “I dunno, guys,” Keira joined in. “Primus Underwood might have some special plans in mind for me.”

  “I’m sure he wouldn’t refuse if you asked him nicely. Everyone knows he has a soft spot for you.”

  “C’mon Lola, let’s be real. This isn’t a picnic.”

  Jessie couldn’t help but feel alienated when the topic shifted to military matters. She failed to understand much of the ongoing conversation other than the fact that Keira was actually kind of a big deal, and the three of them hoped to go into battle together. However, what really brought her mood down was the realization that she was an outsider – something she had briefly forgotten about in all the excitement. Indeed, there was no guarantee that any of them would make it through the week, let alone the months to come.

  That’s why she decided to be proactive for once. She waited quietly until the group were back at camp and just sort of stuck around afterwards. Keira immediately went to speak with her superior officer while Lola and Fizzy unloaded the cargo and put it inside the golem’s appropriated smithy. The elf then went to return the cart to its rightful place, leaving Jessie alone with the shiny, gnome-shaped Artificer.

  If she was going to say something, it was now or never.

  “Uhm, Fizzy? Ma’am?”

  “What is it, meatbag?”

  Though the golem responded, the bulk of her attention was occupied by her inspection of the newly-delivered parts shipment.

  “Do you, um, have any plans for the evening?”

  “Yeah. I’ll be putting together a charge pack for my weapon.”

  The golem pointed over her shoulder towards the oversized wrench leaning against the soot-covered wall.

  “That’s your weapon?”

  “Yup.”

  Jessie slowly approached it with a curious look, inspecting it top-to-bottom. It was plain and completely unremarkable aside from its dimensions. That was the only way she could describe it and exactly what made it feel so out of place. Surely, a fantastical being like Fizzy would have a much flashier weapon such as a lightning-infused warhammer that thundered across the battlefield. Perhaps she did have something like that but didn’t want to show it off? It certainly seemed like a possibility, so Jessie decided to poke around a bit.

  “And, uh, how long have you had it?”

  “77 days, 6 hours, 41 minutes and… 34 seconds.”

  “Is that when you… You know…”

  “When I became a golem, yes.”

  “And, uh, does it see a lot of… use?”

  “Almost on a daily basis.”

  “Unbelievable. As in, I actually don’t believe it,” the gnome pushed her luck.

  “It’s a heavy lump of iron on a stick. It works fine as a mace,” was the dull reply.

  “But there’s not even a scratch on it!”

  Indeed, the wrench was in near-mint condition. Granted, the red paint on it was peeling off in a major way, but the metal underneath was pristine. Not even heavily-enchanted weapons could go that long without showing signs of wear and tear, so how did a simple tool survive so much abuse?

  Fizzy looked over her shoulder at the gawking gnome and smirked.

  “Hey, meatbag!” she called out to her. “Wanna see something cool?”

  “Er, I- I guess?”

  The golem casually strode over to the wrench and effortlessly picked it up with one hand. She turned around and approached the only anvil in the room. She gripped the wrench with both hands, lifted it above her head, and swung it down with all her might.

  *DONNNNNNNNNNNNnnnnn*

  A clear, bell-like sound rang out as metal clashed against metal. The golem turned around with a triumphant smile, showing that both the wrench head and the corner of the anvil had noticeable dents.

  “Oh, wow!” Jessie exclaimed. “That’s impressive!”

  As an Artificer herself, she grasped the sort of forces that came into play for such a thing to happen. It was the kind of impact that would surely shatter a normal person’s arm from the recoil.

  “It’s too early to be impressed,” Fizzy smugly declared. “I haven’t even started yet!”

  The blondie looked on expectantly as the golem turned her attention towards her weapon of choice.

  “Holy Light.”

  *SKKRRREAK*

  The wrench in her hands let out a rather unpleasant sound as yellow-green light enveloped it. It only lasted for a few moments, not even a second. Once it was over, the lump of steel had returned to its former shape with absolutely no evidence that it had ever been bent. Satisfied with the result, Fizzy set it aside and placed both her hands on the anvil. She invoked another Holy Light, and the dent in the hunk of iron buffed itself out with an audible ‘fwump.’

  “How’d you like them apples?” she grinned cockily at her sole audience member.

  “I… You… You just… healed metal!”

  “Yup!”

  Typically speaking, healing magic could only affect living beings. Golems were somewhat an exception because, while they were not strictly ‘alive,’ they were close enough. Inanimate items and objects, however, were right out. Magically repairing such things was possible, but it required specialized Skills and Spells that were few and far between. Something like holy magic mending a wrench was completely outside the realm of common sense.

  “Neat trick, isn’t it?” gloated the golem.

  “Trick? Trick?! Do you have any idea how this could revolutionize metallurgy?! What am I saying? Of course, you do. You’re way too brilliant not to. But, if that’s the case, why haven’t you gone public with this?”

  “A girl has to have some secrets,” Fizzy winked playfully.

  Jessie didn’t know how to respond to that coy answer, so she just stood there like a statue modeled after the concept of confusion.

  “In all seriousness though, it’s something only I can do. At least I haven’t heard of any other metal golems with religious aspirations.”

  The ‘trick’ wasn’t all that complicated. Fizzy, as a Paladin, used Holy Light on herself all the time and knew that it was effective in repairing her mithril frame. The golem could focus her Metallopathy Skill on any metal object she touched to the point it felt like an extension of herself. Combining those two concepts led to the outcome that Jessie had just witnessed. Of course, not being well-versed in magical theory, the golem had no idea why or how it worked. If she was better educated on the subject, she might have deduced it had to do with her way of thinking.

  Magic was molded by the mind, which allowed for a certain amount of flexibility. That was why Boxxy had been able to use its succubus familiar instead of a ‘pure maiden’ in a sacrificial ritual. The simple creature had wholeheartedly believed the degenerate qualified because she was a female that was neither diseased nor poisoned. Though it seemed like a loophole – and it was – the only reason it had worked was because Boxxy believed it would with absolute certainty. The then-mimic hadn’t the slightest idea that the sacrifice had to be a pure maiden in another, more carnal sense. Its thorough misconceptions had caused an abnormal reaction that led to some unpredictable consequences, which was what usually happened whenever magic was mishandled.

  The particular phenomenon Boxxy had stumbled upon was known to the academic community as ‘delusional variance.’ Any magic invoked by a sentient mind was susceptible to it, but it primarily occurred with rituals and ceremonies. Spells and Skills were significantly more formulaic and therefore less prone to such willful alterations, yet that was precisely what Fizzy had unknowingly accomplished. The fact that her metal-mending trick kept working further solidified her belief in it, which only improved the consistency with which the delusional variance occurred. T
he only way to put a stop to it was to prove to the Paladin that her magic was not actually supposed to work the way she thought it did. However, given the golem’s offensively egotistical and self-centered personality, convincing her she was incorrect would require a feat of delusional variance equal to her own.

  In summary, Fizzy could heal metal because she thought she could, and that was good enough.

  “However,” the golem continued her presentation, “while convenient, this trick still has some limits.”

  She looked around and picked up an iron rod that was lying on her workbench, then snapped it in half like a twig.

  “Holy Light.”

  The healing magic flowed into the metal pieces like before, but it merely smoothed out the jagged ends where the rod was broken.

  “It can’t reattach something that was severed, just like with body parts,” she explained.

  “Fascinating,” Jessie commented. “What if you used it on a damaged mechanism?”

  “If all the parts are still attached and intact, then it should get healed.”

  “Incredible! Then, couldn’t you in theory open the VBM?!”

  “… In theory, yes.”

  “Then-!”

  “However, I have zero intention of going back to Horkensaft.”

  “I… I see…”

  “Yeah, me too, Plus. I’ll take care of it the next chance I get.”

  After saying something to her other self once more, the golem turned her attention towards her guest.

  “So is there anything else, or can I get started on my work?”

  “Just one question – who is this Plus you keep talking to?”

  It was one of the things that nagged her for a long while now. While gnomish Artificers were prone to having certain… eccentricities, that particular behavior was more than a little worrying.

  “… Was that out loud?”

  “Yeah… you’ve been kind of talking to yourself all afternoon, actually.”

  Fizzy shoulders drooped and she hung her head.

  “Sorry, still getting used to this whole Parallel thing. Don’t be alarmed though, I’m not crazy. Plus is very much real.”

  “Uhm… okay?”

  “… Yeah, of course she wouldn’t believe me. Tell you what, why don’t I just introduce you.”

  “Y-you don’t have to-”

  “Parallel One.”

  Fizzy’s left eye suddenly lit up with a bright green light. Her normally strict and scrutinizing expression became much softer and all around sweeter.

  “Hey there!” she said, raising her hand in greeting. “I’m Plus! So good to finally meet you!”

  “Uhm, h-hello? I’m Jessiwick-”

  “I know who you are, silly! Me and Fizzy share the same head, after all!”

  Okay, Jessie had to admit that the golem definitely wasn’t mentally disturbed, and that this ‘Plus’ wasn’t a figment of her imagination. Her words and behavior were completely unlike what she showed earlier. Even the tone of her voice was subtly different. Younger. Livelier. Nicer, even. There wasn’t a doubt in Jessie’s mind that Fizzy did indeed share her body with someone else. Which, honestly speaking, was worrisome in an entirely different, more severe way.

  “Aw, come on! Don’t look at me like I’m something to be afraid of!” Plus pouted.

  “Of course she will when you act like that, idiot,” Fizzy resurfaced. “She’ll think I’m possessed or something if you don’t explain properly.”

  “Oh. Right. Oops.”

  “Yeah, ‘oops.’ Anyway, Jessie. As I was saying, this is Plus,” Fizzy pointed at her left side, which waved excitedly at the blonde. “She’s a Skill of mine that drastically increases my multitasking abilities. She’s a bit of a handful, but she is still me for the most part.”

  “Yeah! We’re like sisters!”

  The golem’s head nodded vigorously, although only one half of her mouth was smiling.

  “I see, I think I get it now,” Jessie nodded. “I’m sorry for assuming you were mentally unstable.”

  “No hard feelings, yeah!”

  “Indeed. It’s fine as long as you understand.”

  “Heh. Yeah, it’s all so clear to me now,” the blonde gnome chuckled. “The crazy one is me!”

  Neither Fizzy nor Plus knew how to respond to that.

  “Of course!” Jessie started shouting. “It makes so much sense! I must have hit my head harder than I thought! Well, better go see a medic about that concussion! Hahahahaha! Ahahaha! Hahaha…”

  Jessie saw herself out of the smithy, laughing forcibly and loudly as she went. Fizzy and Plus heard her cackling voice drifting away as she made her way out of the 3rd Legion’s camp.

  “Poor child,” the Parallel shook her head.

  “Can’t be helped,” the other shrugged. “Meatbags are faulty like that. It’s like they were designed to break apart from the get-go.”

  “I suppose,” Plus agreed with a sigh. “But to think she had mental health issues all this time and none of us noticed…”

  “I thought she was pretty nutty from the start. I’m still not convinced she isn’t a pervert.”

  “Yeah, but I hoped she’d get better after the curse was gone. I guess that’s just how she is. Too bad we can’t help her.”

  “Actually, there might be a way,” Fizzy remembered something. “There was this experimental procedure I read about back in Azurvale, something called electroshock therapy.”

  “Oh? Is it supposed to, like, zap someone back into sanity?”

  “I think that’s the general idea, yeah.”

  “But, I’m looking at your memories of that article, and the details seem awfully fuzzy,” Plus pointed out.

  “Nah, it’ll be fine,” Fizzy brushed off her concerns. “I’m sure we can figure it out with some trial and error.”

  “That’s a good point. We are awfully clever.”

  “Exactly. Now, where did I put that welding wand?”

  Part Five

  *DADADADADAN*

  A series of metallic clangs emanated from Fizzy’s smithy. The noises were so evenly spaced out and identical that one might wonder if someone was using an automatic hammering machine. That didn’t seem to be the case since there was nothing resembling such a contraption inside – just the mithril golem carefully inspecting a plate of heated bronze in her hands. The rectangular piece of metal had been carefully and skillfully bent into a rounded semi-cylinder, but the Artificer wasn’t satisfied with it just yet. She put her right hand inside the curve and held the object up from underneath while her left fist hovered above it. Her index knuckle extended moments before she struck the metal plate four times in rapid succession.

  *DADADADAN*

  The impacts left barely perceptible alterations in the bronze component’s shape, causing it to transform from an almost perfect semi-cylinder to a flawless one. Fizzy nodded approvingly and dipped the metal half-pipe in a nearby barrel of alchemically-purified water. After quenching it for several seconds, she pulled it back out and got a mithril nail from her toolbox. She pressed the tiny white spike against the hardened piece of bronze and used it to carve a series of lines into its inner side. The ease and precision with which Fizzy made those grooves made it seem as though she was drawing on paper with a pencil.

  Such production methods were completely impossible for anyone who wasn’t a mithril golem. The shiny Artificer’s nature allowed her to work with unerring precision while skipping various safety precautions that meatbags had no choice but to observe. Fizzy’s body also didn’t need sleep, sustenance, or bathroom breaks. Thus, the project that would normally take two or three workdays was on the cusp of completion after barely six hours.

  Fizzy finished carving up the bronze half-pipe’s interior and momentarily set it down on her workbench, right next to a tiny bottle of dark blue liquid. The golem dipped the mithril nail’s tip in the stuff and started carefully filling the freshly-made grooves. The alchemical substance reacted with the
bronze’s lingering heat, causing it to instantly dry and bond with the metal surface. Once she was done ‘coloring within the lines,’ Fizzy once more dipped the component in that barrel. This time around she waited a few minutes for it to fully cool off.

  Her creation complete, the metallic machine-maker moved onto quality assurance of her own handiwork. She used her Metallopathy, eyes, and some measuring instruments to confirm that the article was made to her meticulous specifications. Fizzy wasted no time and brought it to the contraption resting on a heavy stone table on the smithy’s opposite side. The partially-finished device looked quite alien to anyone but its creator. In fact, all but a few Arclight Artificers would struggle to deduce the purpose of that bizarre mechanism through sight alone.

  Its base was an open steel box about the size and shape of a ridiculously thick book. Its exposed insides were filled with all manner of strangely-shaped parts made from various materials interconnected by a hodgepodge of wiring, bolts, and rods. The component that stood out the most was a long crystal tube filled with a faintly glowing cyan-colored liquid, which ran the length of the device.

  Fizzy set down the bronze semi-cylinder next to the steel casing and fished a pair of wires from inside. Both were coated with insulating resin, but one was bright yellow and the other was dull red. The golem reached for her welding wand. Despite what the tool’s name suggested, it wasn’t some fancy stick a Caster might use to augment their Spells. It was a pen-shaped magic item with a tip that, once supplied with MP, generated a point of tremendous heat at its tip. Such specialized equipment was difficult to come by and no Artificer worth their gears would ever leave theirs behind. If its worn-out and tarnished golden tip was any indication, Fizzy’s welding wand had seen a tremendous amount of use. It nevertheless performed its function without fail, allowing the golem to permanently connect the ends of those wires to two specific points on the newly-forged bronze component.

  Fizzy moved onto the finishing touches by carefully lowering the inscribed half-pipe into the steel frame so that it covered the crystal tube. She pressed down on it as gently as her mechanized joints would allow, eliciting a barely audible click as the last part snapped into its predetermined position. The Artificer ensured the bronze part stayed in place with a bit of spot-welding before performing one final inspection on the rest of the internal components. With everything in working order, Fizzy welded a steel slab on top of the metal box to seal it. Though that seemed to be the end of it, the golem spent an additional twenty minutes sanding down and polishing the steel casing. The golem didn’t consider any creation of hers complete until it could reflect her radiant countenance back at her.