by L. B. Tillit
I took a drink of my small chocolate milk and looked at her. “What do you mean?”
“Why do you push all the nice kids away?” she asked. Her blue eyes were looking at me like she had just asked me why I was drinking chocolate milk instead of orange juice.
“What are you talking about?” I took a bite of the pizza.
Annabelle took a napkin and pushed it down on her pizza. Grease soon turned the napkin orange. After she had used a pile of napkins she took a bite and looked at me again as she chewed. “You know what I’m talking about. I’ve seen you be mean to nice people. You make them afraid of you. Like you don’t like anyone.” I shrugged my shoulders. She continued, “You know, you could be here a while. You need to have some friends.”
I took another bite and looked at her. “But I’ve got you.”
Annabelle stopped chewing and her face turned red. She smiled. “Yeah, I know.” Then she looked at me again, “But you can’t go on being mean.”
I frowned just a little. “I’m not really mean.” I hated that word. Rani was mean. I was just tough. “I only want them to leave me alone.”
“But why?” Annabelle took another bite.
I paused and thought just a minute. “Because that’s the only thing I know how to do.”
“Well, Mr. TJ, you’re very good at it.” Annabelle smiled and had pizza all stuck up in her teeth.
I laughed. I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed.
“What about you?” I asked.
Annabelle frowned. “What about me?”
I tried to keep it light. “Well, you asked why I chase people away. I don’t see you talking to a lot of kids.” I finished off my chocolate milk.
“They don’t talk to me,” She said as she started folding her napkins. The grease painted her fingers orange.
“Why?” I handed her my clean napkin. She took it and wiped her fingers. Then she folded that napkin and placed it on top of the others.
“Because they think I’m weird.” She looked at me. I looked at her perfectly stacked napkins.
I smiled. “Look normal to me.”
Annabelle smiled back. “You’re just saying that to be nice.”
I threw my hands in the air and joked, “One minute you call me mean and the next minute nice. So which is it?”
She never answered my question. But her eyes did. At that moment there was something about her look that scared me. In a good way. Like I wanted to keep looking. But if I did, I would lose a part of myself forever. I quickly looked away.
When I looked back, she was busy packing up the rest of her lunch tray. Annabelle paused a minute and took out her lip gloss. She put some on, and I smiled as the soft smell of strawberry reached me. She smiled and stood. “We need to get moving, or we’ll be late to the next class.” I gathered my stuff and followed the strange redhead.
CHAPTER 17
Solo
Annabelle caught the flu. It was November and I had settled in, in my own way. I went to school with Annabelle. And we sat next to each other. And we ate together. And we came home together. We did homework together, and I would play with Mae or Rico when they wouldn’t leave me alone.
Prince watched me. It didn’t bother me any because his stare wasn’t mean. He was only inspecting my actions. He even joined us when Miss Dixie bought pizza, and we’d watch a movie. We’d all pile on the two couches and laugh until it hurt.
But when Annabelle got sick, my “settled way” was messed up. Walking into math class without her felt strange. I had always looked at others like you would a person in a store. You might see them more than once, but you don’t pay much attention. They are nobody to you.
“Where’s Annabelle?” A girl with short, blond hair came up next to me. I recognized her. But it took me a minute to remember she sat at the back of the class. She had been nice to me at the beginning of the year. She wore a baggy sweatshirt and was on the chubby side. She wasn’t ugly, but not pretty either.
“Sick,” I said and turned my head thinking she’d leave me alone.
Instead she sat in Annabelle’s seat next to me. “I guess I’ll keep you company today. I’m Kelly.”
I just stared at her and shook my head. “I don’t need a baby-sitter.”
Kelly giggled and leaned toward me. “I know that.”
I took a deep breath and tried to ignore her the rest of the period.
I thought she’d leave me alone. But I was wrong. I was sitting at the lunch table staring at my chicken leg when a lunch tray plopped down in front of me. I looked up and Kelley was sitting across from me. “I hope you don’t mind if we join you.”
I didn’t have a moment to answer before four others joined the table. Two guys and two girls. One guy, who looked like he could have been my cousin, nodded at me and said, “I’m Dre.”
I nodded and looked at the others. The other guy was white with purple hair and the two other girls were twins. They looked Hispanic, but I wasn’t sure. Kelly pointed at the girls. “This is Carmen. And this is Carla. They’re sisters.” The girls giggled. Kelly laughed too. “Well, duh. That’s pretty obvious.” Then she pointed at the guys. “You met Dre and that’s Tod.”
I just nodded at everyone, and then I looked down at my food again. Maybe if I didn’t look at them, they would go away.
“So how do you do it?” Tod was leaning in toward me. It was hard to ignore him.
I frowned. “Do what?” They all looked at each other, and I wished I had gotten the flu too.
Dre leaned in too. “Get so close to Annabelle.”
I stopped chewing. I sat up straight and looked Dre right in the eye. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I felt heat rise.
“Chill!” Dre smiled and returned my look. “It’s what you think.”
Kelly jumped in. “We’ve been trying to be friends with her for years. But she pretends we’re not even here.”
I frowned and put down my chicken leg. “She said no one ever talks to her.”
Carmen and Carla spoke over each other, “We’ve tried, but she doesn’t even respond.”
I was confused. I looked at Tod and Kelly, and they were just nodding.
“So we wondered, how do you get close to her?” Dre asked again.
I had to think just a minute. The small, strange group wasn’t trying to figure me out. They wanted to figure out Annabelle. I wasn’t sure how I should respond. Were they going to hurt her? I remembered Rani at the beginning of the year. Were these people as mean as Rani? Then I suddenly got it. I was thinking like Annabelle.
“It’s easier to trust no one than someone who might hurt you,” I said before I knew I had shared my thoughts out loud. The table was silent. I looked at the group and took a deep breath. “She and I are more alike than I thought.”
Dre took a bite of his chicken and looked at me again. “I don’t know where the two of you have been, but the whole world isn’t out to hurt you.”
I shrugged and started eating again.
The next day they left me alone.
CHAPTER 18
Friends
Why did you tell me no one talks to you?” Annabelle and I were sitting on the bridge. “Because it’s true,” she stated.
“That’s not the story I hear,” I said, and watched her start swinging her legs.
She frowned and shook her head. “I’m gone for a few days, and now you know my story better than me?”
“Tell me then.” I was serious. “Why do you pretend no one is around? Some kids have been trying to be nice to you.”
“You’re one to talk. You don’t give anyone a chance!” Annabelle was getting angry. She stood up.
I jumped up too and faced her. “We’re not talking about me this time. I know I’m an ass. But you’re not!” I moved in close and whispered. “Tell me.”
She didn’t move. Her lips were almost touching mine. But fIre was in her eyes as she whispered. “Because I hate them. I hate them all!”
“Because yo
u think they’re all Rani?” I held my position.
“No.” She stayed close in. But I felt a shift. She wanted to be close. She was suddenly afraid. Her voice was so low I had to focus on every word, “Because when I was raped no one cared. I was seven, and after that I couldn’t help peeing on myself. Especially when I was upset. But nobody cared. They made fun of me.”
My stomach turned. I felt anger build. How could anyone rape a seven-year-old? I wanted to be strong for Annabelle, so I let the anger simmer in my eyes. She saw it. She knew I was angry for her. I held her stare. Then I reached out and wiped the tears that started to fall from her eyes.
We both slowly sat down again. A cool November breeze pushed Annabelle up against me. I put my arm around her. She didn’t move away. Something had to change for Annabelle.
The next day we were sitting at lunch. I felt my heart race. I picked up my lunch tray and stood up. She looked at me. I smiled. “Come on!” She sat there a minute before she stood up and followed me.
It wasn’t hard to find Kelly’s table. Tod’s purple hair stood out.
“What are you doing?” Annabelle leaned in close. Her tray almost knocked my tray over.
“You’re going to meet some people,” I said.
“But …” Annabelle protested.
I stopped and looked at her. “You were seven. I bet not one of these kids was there.” I pointed to Kelly’s table. Annabelle looked at them. Really looked at them. “Am I right?” I asked. She just nodded.
We walked up to the table, and I introduced Annabelle to her new friends. It was the strangest thing I’d ever done. It wasn’t me. And I sure wasn’t going to do it again. But I knew it wasn’t about me.
As I sat down I glanced across the lunchroom and saw Prince. For the first time he smiled at me.
CHAPTER 19
Home
I had my first Thanksgiving. I had my first Christmas. They were moments that were different than anything I’d ever felt.
I even started putting up posters on my wall. I had some clothes on each shelf in my closet and books were lined up on my desk.
I turned fifteen that June. Time passed. Seasons passed.
I turned sixteen the following June.
Hugs from Miss Dixie came easily. I even wanted them.
Prince became my friend. He was taking classes at the community college, but still came home every night. He taught me how to use the computer, and we played video games together.
Rico went back to his parents, and we missed his stomping through the house.
Little Mae made me laugh more than once a day. I’d watch her play Barbies, and she’d make up the wildest stories.
Annabelle was growing up. I held her hand a little longer every night at the dinner table, and my insides hurt when she’d walk through the house in her underpants and a T-shirt. Miss Dixie would fuss at her. Then Annabelle would always give me a smile as she’d head up the stairs to put on more clothes.
But I never acted on her smile. I couldn’t. We lived in the same house. This was her home. It was my home too.
CHAPTER 20
Clean
This is good news!” Miss Miller was sitting on the couch next to me.
I shook my head. “How is this good news?” I was not sure I could picture my mother drug free. I didn’t believe it. Miss Miller couldn’t be talking about my mother. She had visited a bunch of times in the last six months. But the times had been awkward. I was always ready for her to leave. I didn’t recognize her clean look. I didn’t recognize her touch.
The social worker uncrossed her legs. She turned to face me. “TJ, I know it’s hard to believe, but she has gone through all the classes and has shown up for her drug tests. She is clean.” She paused and then took a deep breath. “And she wants you to come home.”
“I can’t live with her again. This is my home.” I had just started my junior year at South High. Two years of school left. I had started to believe this was where I would graduate. At that moment I wished I had never let my guard down. I wished I had stayed in my shell and pushed everyone away. If I had, then the news might have been good.
Miss Dixie came in from the kitchen and put her hand on my shoulder. “TJ, I’m so happy you can call this home. But your mother needs you.” She squeezed my shoulder. “Remember, you will always have a place here.”
Miss Miller gave Miss Dixie a glare for just a minute and then quickly hid her look with a fake smile. “TJ, you really don’t have a choice. The court has granted her full custody of you.” I could feel Miss Dixie turn around and stomp off back into the kitchen. She banged a few dishes around before Miss Miller yelled to her, “I know you don’t like it, but you’re not helping here!”
My chest felt like it was burning. My heart was racing. Trapped. I felt trapped. I didn’t have a say. Everything I had come to care about would be gone. Miss Dixie, hot meals, friends, Mae’s little hand, and Annabelle.
I looked at Miss Miller and asked, “When?”
She forced another fake smile. “I’ll come get you tomorrow at nine.”
As she left I sat on the couch and didn’t move. I heard footsteps on the stairs. Before I knew it, Mae was jumping in my lap. Big tears started to fall. “First Rico and now you.” She put her arms around my neck. “I listened. I couldn’t help it.” She pointed to the stairs. “But Annabelle started listening.” I saw some feet turn and run up the stairs. A few seconds later a door slammed.
I squeezed Mae. “Don’t worry. I’m not mad. I would have listened too.” She smiled. I took a deep breath so I wouldn’t cry. But it was hard. I smiled back. “I guess you’ll have to fInd someone else to pester.”
Mae laughed. “I guess so.”
CHAPTER 21
Believe in Something
It was late and everyone had gone to bed. I couldn’t sleep. There had been no big party, even though Miss Dixie had made my favorite home-made pizza. No one had said much at dinner.
Later I stared out my window at the little bridge. It was lit up by the moon. It looked empty without the redhead dangling her legs. Annabelle hadn’t looked at me at dinner. In fact she hadn’t said a thing.
The house was so quiet. I was suddenly aware of a noise. It came from above me. I listened so hard that my head started to hurt. I wasn’t sure, but it sounded like sobbing. It was Annabelle. I knew then she was crying.
Before I had thought it through, I jumped out of bed and quietly ran up the stairs. I opened her door and quickly closed it behind me. Her room smelled like strawberries.
The crying stopped. “TJ?”
“Yeah, it’s me.” I stood in the dark and became suddenly aware that I only had on my boxers. My eyes started to adjust. The moonlight came in through her window. I could see Annabelle sitting up in her bed. I whispered, “Are you okay?”
“No.” She buried her face in her hands and a small cry escaped.
“Same here.” I slowly walked to her bed and sat on the end. “I hate it. I don’t know if I can face my old world again.” I felt tears roll down my cheeks. I was thankful it was dark. But it didn’t matter. She knew. I felt her move in close and touch my face. She wiped away my tears with her fingers.
I took her in my arms and we both cried. Before I knew it, I was lying next to her on the bed. She kissed me. I kissed back. I wanted more.
“I need you, TJ.” Annabelle’s breath was sweet on my lips.
“I know.” I smiled in the dark. “I can’t see myself without you.”
She was warm. I was hungry. She was willing. I kissed her again. We both wanted more. But I didn’t take it.
“What’s wrong?” Annabelle spoke so softly. “Don’t you want me?”
I touched her cheek and whispered, “For a long time now.” I sat up and took the covers and tucked her in. “But not tonight. We can’t tonight.”
“Why?” She sat up and held my arm.
I put my hand over hers. “Because I don’t want it to just be a memory.” I reached in and k
issed her once more. “I’ve got to believe it’s our future.” I smiled. “I’ve got to believe in something.”
Annabelle took my hand and leaned in with her head on my shoulder. “Okay. I’ll dream on it too.”
CHAPTER 22
Good-bye
Annabelle didn’t come down the next morning. I was okay with that. I stood next to Miss Miller’s car with a real suitcase in my hand. I had left most of my posters and books. I only took what I knew I would need.
“Here! Take Barbie.” Mae held up her favorite Barbie. The blond doll was smiling and wearing her best gold dress. “That way you’ll remember me.”
I looked at Miss Dixie who nodded for me to take it. I knelt down and gave Mae a hug. “Thank you.”
Miss Dixie hugged me and whispered, “I don’t care what they say. As far as I’m concerned, you are always welcome here.”
I kissed her cheek. “I know.”
I was about to get in the car when Prince came up to me. He held out his hand. I took it. He smiled, “TJ, remember. You know who you are.”
“Thanks, man!” I smiled and got in the car.
As we pulled out, I looked back at the house I’d called home. Before we turned the corner, I saw a redhead looking out the window at me.
CHAPTER 23
Mom
Clean. That’s what she was. Mom was clean. No pot. No meth. No drugs.
But she still had an addiction. And it wasn’t me.
“Just give me an hour, baby.” Mom spoke softly as she pushed me out the door.
“It’s ten, Mom. You really want me on the streets at night?” I shook my head.
Mom yelled to someone behind her, “I’m coming!” She looked at me and smiled. “No, I don’t want you on the street. You can sit on the stairs if you want.”
We didn’t live in the same building where Dad died. We lived in the one next door. The setup was the same. Except my room had a door, and my bed was off the foor.
It only took me two weeks of sitting on the stairs to realize Mom hadn’t changed at all. I still didn’t matter to her.
