by L. B. Tillit
“Why did you bring me home?” I asked her as she was pushing me out the door again. Anger was rising.
“Because I love you.” She tried to smile. “I miss your dad so much.”
I gave her my coldest stare. “Doesn’t look like you miss him at all!” It took her one second to slap me. I didn’t move. I felt the sting. My cheek felt like it was on fire. But it only pushed the anger inside to the surface.
“Don’t you dare talk that way to me, Thomas Jahmal! I loved your father. Why can’t I love others too?”
“Whatever!” I turned and left.
I remembered a small card in my back pocket, and I had an idea. I knocked on a neighbor’s door. I didn’t know the old lady, but she had been watching me for the past two weeks.
“What do you want?” She was peeking at me from behind the chain on her door. Her little white face looked so pale I was afraid she was going to have a heart attack.
“Excuse me, ma’am. I was wondering if I could use your phone.” She stared. “I need to call social services and report my mother.” I waved the small business card I had gotten from Miss Miller before she left.
I could tell the lady was thinking. I waited. She finally said, “Okay, but wait there!” A few moments later she handed me a cell phone through the crack in the door. She continued to stare at me as I dialed.
“Hello?” Miss Miller’s voice sounded like I woke her up.
“Listen!” I said. “This is TJ and this is not working. You need to take me back to Miss Dixie.”
Miss Miller put on her best counseling voice. “Now TJ, let’s talk about this. What’s going on?”
I told her. I told her how I spent my evenings in the stairwell. Finally I sighed, “So will you come and get me?”
The voice on the other side spoke slowly. “It’s not that easy. I will call the police, and we’ll do a home visit.”
“When?”
“Tomorrow.” Before she said anything else, I hung up and cussed.
I handed the wide-eyed lady the phone. “Thanks,” I said and turned. I heard the door close behind me.
CHAPTER 24
The Visit
I was sixteen.
There was food in the fridge. I could feed myself.
I had clothes. I could wash my clothes.
I could get myself to school.
There was no sign of neglect.
Mom promised that she wouldn’t make me sit outside anymore.
Miss Miller and the police found there was no need for concern. I needed to give my mother a chance.
I never called Miss Miller again.
CHAPTER 25
Back
Mom kept her promise. I found myself alone at home most evenings, which was better than sitting on the stairs. Sometimes she’d bring someone home. She didn’t say anything to me, but I would grab my jacket and leave. But I wouldn’t sit on the stairs. I had to get out.
It was getting cooler. I had been home a month. I felt like I was trying to figure out who I was all over again. I made sure I didn’t stand out at North High. I went to classes and came home. Most kids recognized me but stayed clear. They remembered the old me. I told myself that was a good thing.
I missed everyone in that house that sat across from Grant Park. I didn’t have a phone so I couldn’t call. Mom was always out of minutes on her phone and told me she’d get me a phone as soon as she got some money. I tried not to think of Annabelle. It hurt too bad. But I couldn’t help it. I hadn’t smiled or laughed since I’d left.
I headed to the gas station a block away. I knew they would be open this late. I had a couple of dollars in my pocket and thought I might as well get a Coke.
“Hey, TJ.” Kaden’s voice hadn’t changed. He was leaning against the wall as I came out the door.
I looked at him and nodded. “Hey. What’s up?” I acted like no time had passed.
He looked at me with a smile that made my stomach turn. “I heard you were back. Why didn’t you come by?”
I opened my Coke and took a sip. “No reason really. Not gotten around to it yet. Been busy.”
“Liar.” Kaden stared at me.
I started to walk away. But he came right up next to me. He tried to sound like a friend, but his voice sounded pissed. “Look man, sorry about your dad. But come on, you disappear for two years. When you get back you don’t talk to your friends. Why is that?”
I stopped and turned to face Kaden. I’d grown and was as tall as he was. He looked skinnier than I remembered, and his teeth showed signs of decay. “So it looks like gang life has been good to you.”
He grinned. “So you know we’re a gang. Good. I think you need to come on back to us and make it official.” He grabbed my Coke and took a sip. Then he handed it back. “You know we look out for each other.”
I stared at him. I didn’t look away. I wanted to throw the can on the street. But I took a sip. It was so cold. I wished I had bought a coffee instead. I felt my teeth start to chatter. “Don’t think so. I’ll stay in my own world until I can get out of here.” Then I started walking again.
Kaden didn’t run after me. Instead his voice boomed, “You owe us, TJ.” I didn’t look back. But I knew this wasn’t the end of Kaden Cruz.
I could still hear my Dad’s voice. “It’s not free. You’ll have to pay them back one day.”
CHAPTER 26
Beat Down
Staying off the streets at night didn’t help. One afternoon I’d jumped off the school bus. I didn’t think to look at anything around me. I should have noticed the mothers quickly grabbing their children. But I didn’t. The sound of the bus pulling away hid the sound of the feet running up behind me.
I felt my book bag jerked off my shoulder. One person punched my face while someone else kicked me. It took me a minute before I started swinging. At anything. I heard someone yell. But a harder punch followed. I finally was able to make out a white arm and a black arm. My eyes were covered with something dark, making it too hard to see the faces.
I heard screaming. “Stop it! I’ll call the police!”
Still the kicks and punches came. One hard kick to my stomach made me finally stop fighting back. I curled up in a ball and waited. But the throbbing in my head was too much. Everything went dark.
CHAPTER 27
Billy
I wasn’t out long. I felt arms grabbing me and pulling me up. I could make out a familiar face. One I hadn’t seen in years. Billy was bigger than me. He towered over me and picked me up like I weighed nothing. I felt myself laughing at myself. How did I ever bully this guy? I could still see him holding his mother’s hand at the bus stop.
“You’ve grown,” was all I could whisper.
“Shut up, man!” Billy carried me carefully to my apartment building. “You got a good beating.” I could barely hear him whisper, “I’m sure you deserved it.”
“Billy!” I could hear a woman’s voice. It must have been his mother. “No one deserves a beating.”
I heard Billy grunt, “Whatever.” He shifted my weight and I groaned. I suddenly puked. I heard Billy cuss, but he didn’t drop me.
“Sorry,” I said, knowing it wouldn’t help.
Once we reached my door, I heard my mother cry as they carried me into my room. She was running around getting wet towels to clean me up. Billy’s mom helped.
Billy stood in my room and stared at me for a minute. I didn’t care. Then his eyes looked at something sitting on my window sill. “Nice Barbie!” He was laughing. I didn’t care.
I turned to look at the plastic doll. She was still wearing her golden dress and was smiling at me. “She reminds me of where I want to be.”
“Dressed like a girl?” Billy was teasing.
He made me smile. “Yeah, right!” I joked back. “No, a special little girl gave it to me and it reminds me that one day I will get out of here.”
There was a long pause. Billy turned to go, and then he looked back at me. “You’ve changed.”
> I smiled at him. “I hope so.”
CHAPTER 28
Truth
Mom cleaned me up and slept on the floor next to me that night. I could hear her crying off and on. I had never known my mother to cry over me. But there was something about it that helped me sleep.
The next morning Mom brought me a bowl of cornflakes and some juice while I was still in bed. I looked at her funny. She was dressed, and she had pulled her hair back into a tight bun. But her eyes were puffy.
“Thanks.” I took the juice. My lip stung like crazy as I tried to take a sip. My whole face felt like it was swollen. I didn’t want to look in the mirror. Not yet.
“I think you should stay home from school today.” Mom stated the obvious. “I already called the school and told them what happened.”
I just nodded as I awkwardly spooned cornflakes into my mouth.
“I should have let you stay where you were,” Mom suddenly said. I stopped eating and looked up at her with confusion. She reached for Barbie and held her like a priceless object. “I should have let you stay.”
“What do you mean?” I was starting to see my mother for the first time. She was trying to talk to me. She was trying to tell me something. Something that wasn’t filled with lies.
She looked me in the eyes. “I’m so sorry.” She looked back down at the doll and played with her dress. “But I needed the money. I needed the money that I get from the state to help support a child.” She looked back at me.
I felt anger rise. I put my bowl down on the floor and leaned back in my bed. I stared at the ceiling trying to calm myself.
Mom continued, “I don’t want you to end up like your father.” I didn’t say anything. “It started the same way.”
I looked at her again. “What started?”
She placed Barbie back on the window sill and tried to touch my leg. I pulled away. She dropped her eyes. “He said no and was beat up.” I listened. “He pushed them away so many times until he couldn’t take living in fear. So he bought drugs from them. Instead of joining them. This kept them off his back.”
“What are you saying?”
“He always thought he was a failure because he could never join the gang. He never wanted to. He was too afraid.” Tears started to fall. “So he lived as far away from the real world as he could. High.”
I could feel so much anger well up. But I could also feel fear overshadow everything.
“Well, I am not my father!” I lied.
Mom just looked at me. She nodded and stood up. She knew I was just like my father.
CHAPTER 29
Not My Father
I refused to be my father. The next morning I got dressed and went for a walk. I had to clear my head. I would not let the gang force me into using their drugs. But what could I do? If I joined the Vipers they’d make me hurt others, but if I didn’t, I’d live in fear of more beatings.
I couldn’t really leave the neighborhood. Mom and Dad had broken off family ties a long time ago. I pushed away thoughts of Miss Dixie’s. I would be made to return home if I tried to go there. I had nowhere to go.
Something had to change. I had to call my own shots. Suddenly I knew I would have a better chance to live without fear if I was on the inside of the gang. This way I would have a chance to survive.
CHAPTER 30
The Hillside Vipers
The knock on the door of the yellow house came easy to me. I had to knock fIve times before anyone heard it. The TV was blasting.
The door opened. Brian’s surprised look made that moment worth it. His left eye was still purple. I knew then he gave me my blue and purple marks on my face. “What do you want?” He tried to sound tough.
“I need to talk to BB.” I pushed my fear away. I held the image of my father in my head and let my anger control my mood.
Brian opened the door wider. He stepped to the side and yelled, “BB!”
I could see Snake and Bulldog walking around inside, and Candy was flirting with Kaden. BB made his way around the small crowd and walked up to the door. He was bigger than a couple of years ago. He looked like he had aged more than just two years. He must have been twenty-two but fat was beginning to form under his chin, making him look almost thirty.
His arms still looked like two bowling balls every time he flexed. He liked to flex. It was working. His sheer strength made me second guess why I was standing in front of him. He looked me up and down and smiled. “So you must be TJ. I recognized you from your messed up face.” A roar of laughter spilled from behind him. BB was blocking my view, but I heard Kaden’s voice. I just stood there and put on the best tough look I could pull off.
BB’s eyes narrowed, “What do you want?”
“I’m ready.” I stuck out my chin and held steady.
“For what?” BB kept staring.
My eyes didn’t move. “You already gave me a beating in. Doesn’t that mean I’m in the gang?”
BB suddenly laughed. He repeated to the guys what I had said, and then they were all laughing. In fact, BB was laughing so hard his eyes started watering. I just stood there with my heart racing. After a few minutes he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me into the yellow house. “Come in! I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time.” He shoved me down on the couch next to Kaden. A bruise on Kaden’s hand confirmed his role in my beating. But it didn’t seem to bother Kaden. He was smiling too. Candy was sitting on the other side of him with her arm around his neck.
“See, I knew you’d come around.” Kaden spoke like we were long-lost friends. I just smiled and pushed down my need to puke.
Brian handed me a Coke. “If I remember right,” he said. I nodded, opened it, and took a sip. It felt good.
“So you want to be part of the Hillside Vipers?” BB took a sip of beer as he settled back on the other couch. The TV was still blasting.
“Yeah!” I took another sip. A few more guys walked out of the back room to see what was going on.
“Why?” BB held his beer on his knee.
I started to shift my body but stopped. I didn’t want to look uneasy. “Because Kaden said you look out for each other. I’m tired of looking out for myself.” I hadn’t actually lied. It was half way true. I was tired of looking out for myself. BB saw the truth in my eyes.
The big man nodded at Brian to turn off the TV. The only white boy in the room moved quickly and silence filled the room. “Okay, TJ. You have to earn your way in.” BB smiled. “This doesn’t involve pissing on any packages either.” Everyone laughed. I forced myself to join in, even though that memory reminded me how weak I really was.
I nodded and finished off my Coke. “What is it?”
“You’ve got to beat down someone.” BB’s voice was serious.
“Who?” I asked as if it were no big deal.
“Someone who shouldn’t be on our turf,” BB spoke clearly.
“Where do I find him?” I asked.
“Or her?” Candy laughed.
I felt my stomach turn, but I held my eyes steady. BB looked at Candy and told her to shut up. Then he looked back at me. “The Church Street Pit Bulls like to come through our turf. They try to take a short cut to the bowling alley. Watch for the sign of a Pit Bull and take one down.”
I paused a minute, feeling stupid. But I had to ask. “What sign?”
The guys laughed a minute before BB answered, “They wear these stupid dog collars.” I nodded remembering seeing some guys with dog collars hanging outside my elementary school on Church Street.
“When?” I asked knowing the answer.
BB smiled. “We got nothing better to do.” He stood up and headed for the door. “Let’s go hang out at the bowling alley. The rest of the guys in the room nodded, but Candy protested a little. Kaden kissed her, and she smiled and joined the guys as they walked out the door.
I put down my empty can and followed the Hillside Vipers. The cool breeze felt good on my bruised face. My whole body still hurt. I wished I had at least waited a
few more days before I had the bright idea to join a gang.
CHAPTER 31
Initiation
The rest of the gang went inside the bowling alley with BB. They had me wait outside next to the flashing beer sign. The cool air was starting to feel cold. I jumped around a little trying to keep warm. The idea was for them to look for someone inside while I stood watch outside. It was an hour before they came out laughing. BB looked at me. They all laughed again, this time at me. “Better luck next time.” I followed the group back to the yellow house half frozen to death.
The next night was the same. And the next. I was starting to get pissed. They were making a fool of me. And I was letting them.
The third night I wore as many clothes as I could fit under my jacket. I even had on my mother’s purple hat. The guys laughed at me all the way to the bowling alley. I didn’t care. They were inside having a good time. At least I was warm.
“Did your mother dress you?” A strange voice made me turn and look at two guys walking up to me. One was white and the other black. Trying to look tough in the cold, they only had on T-shirts and jeans. I could clearly see the dog collars they wore around their necks.
Suddenly I punched the guy who spoke to me in the mouth. I was thankful that I had had a few extra days to recover from my own beating. The punch took the guy by surprise. He crashed to the ground. The white guy, slightly shorter than me, cussed at me and took a swing at my stomach. All the extra clothing softened his blow. I took my knee to his groin. He tumbled over.
I heard someone yell, “Fight!” from inside the building. Soon people came out to watch. By then I had pounced on the first guy and hit him in the face until I saw blood dripping from his nose. The second guy came up on me from behind. He grabbed my head but only managed to pull off my mother’s hat while I took a swing at his stomach. He cussed again and fell down.
