by L. B. Tillit
“Yeah. I’m fine,” I whispered. My voice was scratchy.
I sat up and watched Billy lead the crowd away.
“Mr. Young?” A man’s voice I recognized as one of the intake counselors was behind me. Mr. Beck had helped me get back into school. He just came up to me like he hadn’t seen a thing that had happened. So I sat up as straight as I could and pretended I was okay.
“Yes, Mr. Beck?” His pale skin gave away the dark circles under his eyes. But he tried to smile. “You have a visitor.”
“What?” I asked. I stood up and packed my books into my bag. I followed Mr. Beck out of the cafeteria. I had no idea who would be visiting me at school.
CHAPTER 39
Visitor
The office area was stuffy and smelled like gym socks. Mr. Beck walked me past the front desk and into his office. The room was small and two chairs faced a small metal desk. One of the chairs was taken. It only took me a second to recognize those legs.
Miss Miller turned to smile at me. She got up and greeted me, “TJ, I’m so glad to see you again.” She wanted to hug me, but settled for an awkward handshake. She nodded at Mr. Beck who turned to leave. He closed the door behind him.
“Miss Miller? What are you doing here?” I looked at her like she was crazy.
“Come sit with me a minute, TJ.” She pointed at the chair next to hers. We both sat. I waited for her to explain herself. “I’ve been looking for you. I’ve tried to check up on you a couple of times, but your Mom always said you were out.”
At first I smiled at my mother’s willingness to cover for me. But then I realized she was probably ashamed. “I was out,” I said. I shifted in my seat. “I’ve been busy.”
Miss Miller watched me pull my sleeve down, so she couldn’t see my tattoo. She shook her head just a little. “TJ, you haven’t been in school.”
“I am now.” I was defensive. Miss Miller’s preachy style was bothering me again. I sucked air through my teeth. “You’re not my mother.” I stood up and started to walk to the door. I had my hand on the door and paused. I looked at her and said, “I don’t know what you want. You pop in and out of my life pretending you care or can help. But I can see right through you. You’re so full of it. You have never helped me.” I turned to go.
“TJ!” Miss Miller was standing too. She had fire in her eyes. But not mean. She was hurt. “How dare you!” She started pointing her finger at me. “I have helped you as best I could.”
“Yeah, right! You took me away from this hell hole. You put me in a place where I believed I could start another life. Then you brought me back here. When I called on you to help …” I paused trying to push away the tears. I kept them under control. “You left me hanging.” Tears were flowing down Miss Miller’s cheeks. I whispered, “So I’m on my own. I’m trying to survive!”
I turned to go again. This time I felt her hand on my shoulder. “Please, TJ, sit down and hear me out.” She said it honestly. So I moved back to my chair and listened. “You’re right. I should have fought for you to stay with Miss Dixie. But that’s not how the system works. We have to place children back with their parents. I did try to check on you, but you were already gone before I had a chance.” She lowered her eyes. “Not that I could have helped much.” She looked back at me. “You see, there isn’t much money. The program to follow up with foster kids and offer support is struggling.”
“Duh!” I sucked air through my teeth again.
“Let me finish,” she said gently. “I came here to tell you something. You need to hear me on this.” She tried to look me straight in the eye. I let her. “I can’t save you. You have to do that on your own.”
I started to laugh. “Oh, this is really big news. Isn’t that what I’m doing?”
Miss Miller leaned back in the chair and smiled. “Is it?” We sat there in silence for a few minutes. “You may not know this, but you do have choices you can make. You can choose, TJ.” She whispered again, “You can choose.”
Choice was a hard concept for me. I always felt I had to do what made the most sense at the time. Even if it went against my gut reaction. I did it. I had to. I was confused, “But I can’t really choose. Miss Miller, I have to do what I have to do. I have no choice.”
This time she stood. She reached out and put her hand on my shoulder. “TJ, you never trusted me. I’m sorry about that. But trust me now. Choose your future.” She bent down and looked me straight in the eye. “And I promise you, I won’t get in your way.”
She stood again and left.
I wasn’t sure what she meant by that last line. My head was racing. On one hand she tells me I have a choice. On the other hand I have the Church Street Pit Bulls threatening my life. I didn’t see how I had any choice but to defend myself.
CHAPTER 40
Pit Bull Down
I didn’t tell BB about Miss Miller’s visit. There were more important things to talk about. I wanted to know what to do about the threat from the Pit Bulls. Should I keep going to school?
“Sure you should keep going.” BB looked at me like the whole thing was as simple as learning to share toys on a playground. “The Church Street Pit Bulls are more bark than bite.”
“I could sure feel his bite in the lunch room,” I protested. “I don’t think he was messing around.”
BB looked at me like I was declaring defeat. “Are you giving up? Are you afraid?” His voice was rising. “Around here, I determine what we do next. We never give in to the Pit Bulls. This is our turf. They’re the ones who need to back off.” I shut up and watched him pace. He stopped and opened the door and yelled, “Brian, Kaden, get in here!” Before I knew it, BB had given the two guys directions. They needed to find the Pit Bull who threatened me before school started. Then they were to beat him down.
Once Brian and Kaden left, I looked at BB “Why didn’t you ask me to beat him down?”
“’Cause I need you in school. I can’t have you expelled.” BB shook his head. “TJ, you have to be my inside man. Now get out of here.”
Brian and Kaden had no problem finding the big Church Street Pit Bull. They beat him bad. Right in front of the school. Kaden used a brick. He slammed it into the big guy’s head as other kids screamed for them to stop. I wanted to scream too. It took longer than they thought to beat him down, so by the time the guy stopped moving, the police had arrived.
I stood back as I watched Kaden and Brian try to run. They didn’t get far. The cops cuffed them. I watched as Kaden and Brian were hauled off in the back of a police car. Meanwhile, I heard the siren of an ambulance. The flashing lights came around the corner warning people to get out of the way. Within minutes, two men dressed in blue jumped out of the back of the ambulance. They ran over to pick up what was left of the big, bloody mass lying on the sidewalk.
I felt my stomach turn. I closed my eyes for one minute to pull myself together. I turned to walk into the school with the rest of the students. I caught a glimpse of Billy. He looked at me. I just looked away.
CHAPTER 41
Drive-By
I didn’t take my usual way back to the house that afternoon. Even an idiot knew the Church Street Pit Bulls would be pissed. I didn’t want to be an easy target. Weaving my way through some back streets did help some. I walked up the back steps of the yellow house later than normal. This meant I wasn’t sitting in my usual place, on my favorite couch, in the living room at that moment. It meant I wasn’t facing the front of the house. It meant I didn’t get hit in the chest with bullets as the Church Street Pit Bulls unloaded their guns on the yellow house. The house I had started to call my home.
I flattened myself on the top step as I heard the first round of bullets fly. Screams and curses filled my head with fear. I pushed open the back door and slid my body inside. I could see down the hall into the living room. Snake and Candy were lying on the floor. Blood slowly oozed around their heads. I stood up. Val and BB came running from the back room. BB’s eyes were on fire. I could see the automa
tic gun in the big man’s hand. Val screamed as he shoved her back into the room.
I could hear tires burning in the street. They were turning around. BB saw me and cussed. “Get down. And stay there!” I forced myself down and kept my face pressed to the hard wood floor.
“What are you doing?” I yelled at BB, who was obviously not staying down.
“I’m going to give them something to come back for.” He grabbed the gun with both hands and ran into the living room.
As I heard him hit the floor, the second round of bullets went flying. This time they were coming from the living room. I could hear the car race away.
Suddenly, there was silence. I didn’t stand up. Not yet. Sweat dripped off my nose as I crawled into the front room. BB was sitting on the floor. The gun was lying at his side. I slowly stood up, looking out the window. Then I looked at BB again. He reached out a hand to me, and I took it to pull him up. Or at least try to. As he stood with his back to the window, he looked at the two bodies lying on the floor and sighed. Then he patted my face. Something he’d never done. “At least you’re not hurt. And Kaden and Brian are at the police station. They’ll be back.”
What BB and I didn’t realize was that there were two Pit Bull cars. The second one drove up so quietly. They had a perfect shot of BB’s back. They took it. The sound of bullets flew once more. BB’s eyes opened wide in surprise. He crashed forward onto me and took me down to the floor. My fear kept me from realizing what had just happened. I let the massive dead body cover me as I waited for the silence to return. It was several minutes before my heart caught up with my mind. I didn’t even try not to cry. BB was dead. Snake was dead. Candy was dead. I struggled to get BB off of me.
Suddenly, a scream came from behind me. Val had left the bedroom and was soon pounding on BB’s body. She was yelling at someone who would never hear her again. “I told you not to come out here! I told you!”
I realized the police would show up soon. I looked at the makeup-smeared Val and yelled, “Val, help me get BB off of me.” She whimpered as we both shoved him to the side. My jacket was soaked in BB’s blood. As I stood, she continued to kneel over her man. I touched her shoulder. “We’ve got to go! The police are coming.”
I ran into the back bedroom and grabbed the Chicago Bears jacket. I knew Val would need one too, so I grabbed a blue Boston Red Sox jacket with a single red B on the front. I took off my blood-soaked jacket and T-shirt and threw the Chicago Bears jacket on. I started to run back out of the room, but I stopped in front of the table. I realized the police would take everything. I reached into one of the brown bags still sitting on the table ready for business. I grabbed two handfuls of cash and shoved the money in the pockets of my jacket and the Red Sox Jacket. I didn’t stop to count.
I could hear sirens. I ran back into the living room and grabbed Val. She threw on her jacket. She wiped snot from her nose and let me take her by the hand as we ran out the back door.
We just ran.
We ran past the school and headed further north.
The sirens faded.
But my heartbeat never seemed to slow down.
CHAPTER 42
What Now?
Where are we going?” Val asked as she continued to hold my hand. It was getting dark, and I knew we would get cold even in our warm jackets. We needed to find a place to stay.
“I don’t know.” I was still too shocked to think clearly. Val was older than me, and yet she looked to me to guide her. “I was hoping you would know.”
As the cool night air started to ease my nerves, I felt strange holding her hand. I started to let go, but she held on. So I didn’t try again. We passed several neighborhoods where I had never really been. We must have walked twenty blocks before the neighborhood opened up into a shopping and restaurant district. Bright lights flooded parking lots. I looked at my phone and saw it was eight o’clock. The restaurants still had people busy finishing their dinners.
My stomach growled. “You want to eat?”
Val nodded. “You got money?”
I smiled. “Yeah, and so do you.” She checked her pocket and found several twenties and a couple of hundreds. I had a little more in mine.
“Where did you get this?” She raised her voice and her eyes narrowed.
“Where do you think?” I couldn’t believe she was getting pissed.
“BB’s going to be so,” she started. Then reality set in. BB was dead, and the money was going to be found. She looked at her handfuls of cash again. She spoke more softly. “I wish you’d taken it all. The police will take it.”
I knew what she was saying. But my gut had held me back from taking more than enough to get by until I knew my next move. Despair started to show on Val’s face. I squeezed her hand. “You’ll be all right.”
“You think?” She looked into my eyes. There was something there that scared me. She spoke the words I feared she was thinking. “As long as I’ve got you.”
I pulled my hand away from hers. I stepped back. “Listen, Val. I can’t take care of you.”
Her beautiful lips and long dark hair came in close. She was shaking. “Please, TJ. Pretend. Just for now. I can’t bear being alone. Not right now.” I let her put her head on my shoulder. I guessed she was still in shock.
I sighed. “Let’s get some food.” I took her hand, and we went into Taco Bell. I wasn’t spending more money than I needed to.
I went into the bathroom and pulled the money out of my pockets. I checked my exact amount. Three hundred and twenty dollars were tucked away in my jacket. That wasn’t much, but it would hold me for a week. Maybe a few weeks.
When I returned to the table, Val’s look had changed. I could see the old Val returning. It was like she was forcing the thought of BB’s death away. She was hardening herself. I knew the look. She asked me, “Are you going to lead us now?”
“What?” The question surprised me. I hadn’t thought for one minute about any of the remaining gang members. Kaden and Brian were dealing with the police, and Bull Dog and the rest of the guys seemed more loyal to their partying than to BB. Why would I want to lead them? I was the youngest one.
“BB always said you’d be the next leader if anything happened to him.” Her voice was strong now. Almost too strong. It was the Val I knew who earned her chain. Her chain that was longer than mine.
“I’m too young, and my chain is still only half way around my wrist.” I pulled up my jacket sleeve to reveal six small links. It looked like someone had forgotten to complete the tattoo.
Val leaned back in her chair and started laughing. She started laughing so hard that people started staring.
“Shh, people are looking at us.” I calmed her down. She wiped her eyes and sighed. We walked outside to a small concrete table that was set off to the side of the parking lot.
I walked around to sit on the bench opposite Val. But it was covered with old gum, so I came back around and sat down next to her. She was finally calm. “BB’s chain was as short as yours when he started. I guess he thought you’d be just like him. He was so blind. I was so blind. I thought BB knew everything. I thought he knew what he was talking about. I thought you were all he said you were. Tough. Strong. Fearless.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” I noticed Val didn’t want to hold my hand anymore.
“He was wrong you know.” She looked at me. The hardness was there. I sat up tall. I could take what she was ready to give. “He treated you like he was protecting you.” She looked out over the half-empty parking lot.
“What are you talking about?” I scooted away from her. Just a little.
She kept looking at the parking lot. “He let you stay even though you really never fit in. Look at you. You never got high. He always sent you on the easy drops.” Then she suddenly looked at me and pulled in close. Her lips were almost touching mine. “You never screwed one of us either.” I held her gaze. She stared. I stared. I knew she was wrong about one thing. I was strong. Nothing sh
e said could get to me.
But it wasn’t what she said. It was what she did next. Her hand came up to my head and pulled me in for a hard kiss. It took me by surprise. Her lips were hard against mine. I grabbed her hand and jerked it way. I cussed. Her face moved away from mine. But her eyes stayed locked. She was searching. I was frowning. I could feel my anger rise. She finally asked, “What is it with you?”
I shook my head. I knew what it was, but I wasn’t telling her. I knew that I still held on to the little redhead who had taught me to dream. I broke my eye contact, held my temper, and got back to business. “I think we should go back. At least to our own homes.”
“I don’t have one,” she said. “But I do have some friends who would let me crash.”
We stood and started walking back the way we’d come. We were silent the whole time. Before we reached North High, Val stopped in front of an old apartment building. “My friend lives here.” She started to head for the door but turned back around. “TJ?”
“Yeah?” I watched Val’s face change.
She tried to smile, but it wasn’t easy. “I’m not going to see you again, am I?”
I smiled back. “I sure hope not.” She nodded and turned to go.
At the next corner I dropped the cell phone BB gave me into a trash can.
I never saw Val again.
CHAPTER 43
The Box
It was midnight before I opened the door to my apartment. It was the first time I could remember that I felt some relief. The familiar smells relaxed my whole body. I was suddenly so tired.
I pushed open my bedroom door and flipped on my light. An old cornflakes box was on my bed. I frowned and walked up to it. I picked it up. It was heavier than a normal box full of cereal.
“I hoped you would come back.” Mom’s voice came from behind me. She didn’t touch me. She didn’t know how. “I kept some things for you while you were gone.” She nodded at the box.
