Chasing Dreams

by Deborah Raney

  “How’s the wedding venue project going?”

  She gave a humorless laugh. “It’s not. But the second cabin is almost finished—except for furnishing it—so I’m hoping to get back to the wedding venue idea by the end of the summer.”

  “I still think it’d do great.”

  “I don’t remember if I told you Quinn and Phee plan to build a house on the property. On the other side of the cabin we used for a dressing room … you remember?”

  He nodded. “That will be nice—to have your sister close by. Well, I assume it will. You three seem to get along really great.” His brow furrowed, turning it into a question.

  She laughed. “Britt and I couldn’t be happier about it. We have the usual sisterly spats, but I was sad to think of Phee moving away, so yes, we’re thrilled. Plus, it will give us one more place to rent for The Cottages. Phee and Quinn haven’t seen the final plans yet, but the house they’re planning has a walkout basement that will be a full studio apartment—at least until they fill the house up with kids.”

  He saw his opportunity. “Speaking of kids … Joanna, I wanted to talk to you … about Mateo.”

  She stretched out her legs and leaned forward. “I’ve wanted to talk to you about that too.”

  “You have?”

  “Yes, but … you first.”

  “No. I’m curious what you wanted to say.”

  She tilted her head slightly. “I’d prefer you go first, because what I was going to say might be a moot point.”

  “Oh?” That majorly upped his curiosity, but he’d been the one to bring it up first. He took in a shallow breath. “I just wanted …” He leaned forward, planting his elbows on his knees and pressing his hands together, steepling his fingers. “I feel like I should let you—”

  This was proving more awkward than it had seemed when he rehearsed his end of the conversation in his mind. He started again. “This might seem premature. I know it’s not like we’re”—he gestured between them—“a couple or anything. But I’ve sensed you’re a little cool toward Mateo …” He paused, hoping she would dispute that observation.

  She didn’t.

  Disappointed, he continued. “I guess what I’m trying to say …” Pausing, he glanced up toward the bathroom window, the same one he’d peered out a few minutes ago. He lowered his voice, suddenly fearful that Mateo might be watching them. And listening. “Mateo is part of my life and he always will be. Maria—his mother—asked me to take him in, and I agreed.”

  “Do you mean you agreed to raise him? Until he’s … grown. On his own?”

  He looked her in the eye. Wanting there to be no doubt. “Yes. Look, Joanna, if I’m honest, I’m not sure I counted the cost before I agreed to such a … profound responsibility. But it was … kind of a desperate situation. And Mateo has been in my life for five years. There’s no way I could let him go into the system. I love that kid like he is my brother. Or … my son.” Should he tell her what he’d been thinking? How he thought God might be leading? He hadn’t told anyone. Not even his parents. And yet, he felt he could trust Joanna.

  Still, this wasn’t exactly the kind of thing you sprang on a woman you’d barely started dating.

  Her expression became … pained. She leaned forward. “Luke, I … I think it’s wonderful what you’ve done. It’s really an incredibly noble thing and I’m so glad Mateo has—”

  “But?” He cocked his head, waiting.

  “I don’t understand.” Her brows knit.

  “I sense a ‘but’ coming … to follow that you’re-so-wonderful speech.”

  She smiled, but an unmistakable sadness slipped into her eyes. “It feels funny saying this when we’ve barely started dating, but I’m not sure I’m cut out to … to be part of Mateo’s life. You’re talking about being a father to him. But are you even old enough to be his father?”

  He gave a rueful nod. “Barely. But I’m old enough to be a father. I mean … does age really matter when a kid needs a home?”

  “No. Of course not. And I didn’t mean to question the rightness of what you’re doing. It’s just …” She curled her legs back underneath her and hugged a pillow from the chaise. “I really like you Luke, and if things continue between us, then suddenly I’m involved in Mateo’s life whether I wanted to be or not.”

  He winced at the stab of disappointment her words brought. “So I take it you don’t want to be?”

  “That’s not what I meant … exactly. But I’m even younger than you are. I just can’t see myself as … a mom to a kid Mateo’s age. I don’t even feel … qualified.”

  He worked to keep his expression neutral, but his spirits sagged. “So, is this the big breakup speech? Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?”

  “Kind of.” She bowed her head for a brief moment. “I guess. I don’t know. If you had a kid from a former marriage or something …” She shrugged. “I’m just … I’m not sure this is what I want for my life, Luke. Like my sister said, Mateo would be a teenager by the time we … well, you know.” A sheepish look veiled her face.

  “You mean by the time we got married.”

  She gave a low groan. “This is the most awkward conversation in the history of the world.”

  He laughed. “Maybe not the world.”

  She tossed him a fleeting smile. “You know what I mean. And maybe I’m way off base, Luke, and you don’t even see our relationship going anywhere. But I don’t want to wait too long and … have to break up with you when it would be really painful for everyone involved.”

  “And you don’t think this is painful? For me?” He was baiting her, but she’d started it.

  “I hope it isn’t.”

  He exhaled, the breath taking his hopes with it. Staring out into the darkness, he wondered again if this was a cost God was asking him to pay. Then it occurred to him. He looked back at her, his hope struggling to regain its footing. “So, you’ve talked to your sisters about me?”

  She met his steady appraisal, an “uh-oh-I’ve-been-found-out” look shading her own. “A little. Especially about Mateo.”

  He leaned in. “Joanna, it’s not like I can make a choice between you and Mateo. He’s in my life. I believe God put him there. And as much as I like you—and I do—I’m not going to get rid of him.”

  “I’m not asking you to get rid of him!” Insult tinged her tone.

  But he was merely stating the truth.

  “No, Joanna, you’re not. What you’re saying”—he tried to gentle his tone—“is that you don’t want anything to do with me unless Mateo’s out of the picture.”

  She sat silent, her attention glued to her lap.

  “I’m right, then?” He felt his defenses rising, even while he did understand her reluctance to commit to Mateo.

  “When you put it that way, it makes me sound like a terrible person.”

  “No. That’s not my intention at all. But if you don’t like me enough to take me with all the … baggage I come with, then I understand. And it’s probably best—for Mateo’s sake—that we end things now. Before he gets too attached.”

  “That’s just it! He’s not attached to me. At all. In fact, I get the feeling he doesn’t like me very much.”

  “It’s not that, Joanna. He’s still reeling from his mom’s death. I’m pretty much all he has, so maybe he views you as a threat. Someone that takes my attention away from him.”

  “Well, welcome to my world.” She hugged the pillow tighter to her midsection.

  Luke stared, fierce love for Mateo rising in him. “Are you really going to get in a competition with a twelve-year-old about this? That’s a little childish, if you ask me.”

  Tears welled in her eyes and glistened in the glow from the string lights, and Luke immediately regretted his words.

  “I’m sorry, Joanna. That wasn’t fair.”

  “No. I probably am being childish. And a selfish jerk. This simply … isn’t what I’ve always dreamed about. And that’s not your fault, Luke. Maybe I s
hould be willing to put aside those dreams. But it seems—”

  “What is it you’ve always dreamed about?”

  She tilted her head.

  “I want to know. Really.” He scooted his chair closer, leaning in.

  “Luke … This feels weird. For all I know you don’t see us having a future together at all.”

  Her words surprised him. “Why would I ask you out—three times—if I didn’t think there was something there? I wouldn’t, Joanna. First of all, I’m too old to waste time dating someone I don’t like—a lot. And I’m not the kind of guy who sees women as toys. Something to entertain them until the next one comes along.”

  “No. I know that. I could tell that about you from the first time we met. Why do you think I said ‘yes’ to you—three times—even after your kid tried to baptize me in ice water on our second date?”

  He laughed. “Okay. So we’ve established we like each other. And maybe you even think I could be the man of your dreams—if only I didn’t come with a built-in kid.”

  “It’s not only that. It’s … I’ve always looked forward to the newlywed phase. Being just a couple. Getting to know each other and really … bonding, I guess. Before babies come along. But even then, I’ve always dreamed of my husband and me and the baby we’ve made, all cozy together in the house we’ve created. I know that probably sounds stupid to you, but all those romantic firsts that a couple should share … just the two of us … them,” she corrected quickly. “It doesn’t seem like there should be an almost-teenager tagging along. And please don’t think I’m planning a wedding yet or anything”—she shot him an ornery grin—“although I do have the venue picked out.”

  Maybe he should have taken advantage of her attempt to lighten the mood. But this was no light subject. Bottom line, if Joanna couldn’t accept that he was raising Mateo—whether as a brother or a son—then he had no business continuing to see her. For both his and Mateo’s sake.

  And right now, staring into those crystal blue eyes of hers, he sensed her final answer, and felt certain a door was closing between them.

  CHAPTER 23

  JOANNA WATCHED LUKE IN THE dim glow of the twinkle lights, waiting for his laughter that usually came so easily.

  But it never came. Instead, he sighed deeply and rose to pace behind the chair where he’d been sitting. Finally he sat back down and looked her in the eye. “I don’t really know what to say, Joanna. Except that I’m really disappointed. In you. In … everything.”

  In you. Those two words hurt more than she’d expected them to. And yet, she’d anticipated them. Even though she didn’t think it was wrong to hold out for what she’d dreamed of for marriage, the fact that Luke was sacrificing so much for a boy he wasn’t even related to made her feel like her own wishes were petty and self-centered. Were they?

  A lump lodged in her throat and tears threatened. Humiliation washed through her. Not Luke’s intention, she knew. But that was exactly the emotion filling her now. She bent her head, struggling to compose herself.

  “I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed you. But Luke …” She fought back tears. “Is it so wrong to want the things I’ve always dreamed about?”

  “No. It’s not. And honestly, if you’re not willing to give up those dreams for what I have to offer, then I’m glad to know it now.” He scraped the toe of his shoe on the flagstone. “I guess I just wonder what happened to ‘I think you’re doing a wonderful thing’?”

  She looked askance at him.

  “That’s what you said to me the night of your sister’s wedding. About Mateo. I guess I hoped you’d be willing to … adjust your dreams a little if the guy was right. But obviously, I’m not Mr. Right.”

  “It’s not you, Luke. It truly isn’t. If—” She stopped. She’d been about to say “if it wasn’t for Mateo.” But that wasn’t right. The boy was like a brother to Luke, and she knew her claws would be out if Luke dared criticize one of her sisters. “If things were different, I’d be … pursuing you. Hard.” She smiled, even as sadness overwhelmed her.

  He didn’t return her smile. “I didn’t really need to hear that. And I sure don’t know how I’m supposed to respond to it.”

  She felt chastened, deservedly so, perhaps, but she wanted to help him understand. “I only meant that someone else, someone who hasn’t held out all their lives for … certain things, will be able to accept things for what they are.” Even as she spoke the words, she felt a stone in her gut thinking of Luke with someone else. “I’m sorry. I’m not making sense, am I?”

  He frowned. “Oh, you’re making perfect sense. I’m sorry I wasted your time.”

  “Luke, I never said it was a waste of my time. And what you’re doing for Mateo is a wonderful thing. But I didn’t even know for sure what the situation with him was until tonight! You can’t blame me for that.”

  He held up both hands to her, palms out. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair. I should have been more clear. But you said yourself that it was a little awkward when we didn’t even know what this”—he motioned between them—“would become.” He shrugged. “Apparently it won’t become anything.”

  She bit the inside of her cheek. He wasn’t making this easy. “I’m sorry, Luke. I wish I could change the way I feel. I wish I could adjust. But … I’ve tried. And I can’t seem to let that dream go.” Had she really tried? Oh, she’d thought about it constantly. She had raised the subject with her sisters and with Ginger. But had she prayed about it? More than a half-hearted prayer tossed up before she gripped the dream tightly again?

  Standing behind the chair where he’d been sitting, Luke scooted it to the side as if opening a gate. “Then you’d best go.”

  She stared at him, realizing her jaw must be hanging. Her cheeks heating, she moved her mouth to ask if he meant now. But the tight cords in his neck and the tension in his jaw left no doubt. If she’d felt humiliated earlier, this dismissal was a dozen times worse.

  Refusing to meet his eyes, she grabbed her phone from the side table and rose from the chaise. Thankfully, her car was parked outside and she wouldn’t have to endure him taking her home. She trudged toward the side of the house that was most brightly lit.

  But Luke called after her. “Joanna? Wait. It’s muddy over there. Let me walk you through the house. Did you have a purse … or a jacket?” He sounded contrite, even tender.

  “No. I left them in my car.” Suddenly she wanted nothing more than to stay here with him. But they were at an impasse. And he’d all but kicked her out.

  She preceded him through the house, feeling his stare as she walked to the front door. With one hand on the doorknob, she turned. “Thank you for dinner. I’m truly sorry, Luke.”

  “I am too. I wish things could have been different.”

  She nodded, too close to tears to speak. She exited, closing the door behind her. Halfway to the car, she reached for her purse on her shoulder, but grasped only air. Oh, no! Her purse was in the car. She reached for the handle, dread filling her.

  Her keys were locked inside.

  Luke flipped off light switches and gathered the pillows from the patio since there was rain in the forecast. As he “tucked in” the patio for the night, his thoughts were dark. He couldn’t say he was surprised by the way the evening had ended, but he’d certainly hoped for a different outcome.

  He stopped and stood still for a moment, thinking he heard something. It came again. The doorbell. Tossing all the pillows onto the chaise, he went through the house to the front door.

  Joanna stood there, looking meek. “I am so sorry. I locked my keys in the car.”

  “Oh no. Do you have another set?”

  “Yes. I called Britt and she’s going to bring them, but she’s on her way home from St. Louis with friends, so it might be a few minutes.” She motioned toward the car. “I just didn’t want you wondering why my car was still out here.”

  “I’m sorry.” He opened the door wider. “Come on in.”

  Joanna hung her head.
“No. Britt was only about twenty minutes away. I’ll just wait outside.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. Come in. We can go back out to the patio and wait. Do you want something to drink while you wait?”

  For a minute, he thought she was going to refuse again, but instead she sniffled and stepped through the front door. “Thank you. But I can wait by myself. You probably have things to do.”

  “Joanna—” He risked putting a hand on her forearm. “I’m sorry if I was rude. I didn’t—”

  “No. I understand …” She took a half step back, but didn’t move her arm. “You had every right to end the evening early.”

  He shrugged. “It just didn’t seem to serve any purpose for you to stay … since you’ve made up your mind and I don’t have the option to change mine. But that doesn’t excuse my rudeness.”

  “You weren’t rude, Luke. But … it hurt. I wish things were different.”

  “They could be.”

  She tilted her head. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “If you’d just open your heart to something different than you’ve always imagined.”

  “I’m … I’m going to have to think about it. And pray about it. I don’t know if a person can simply change their mind by force of will when they’ve dreamed about things being a certain way for all their lives.”

  Maybe she was right. He didn’t think it should be as difficult as she was making it. But he couldn’t change her mind for her. And she was right about one thing: She needed to pray about it.

  But then, he did too. “Let’s go sit outside while we wait for Britt to get here. It’s too nice out to waste the evening. Hang on and I’ll get us some waters.”

  He slipped into the kitchen and returned with two icy cold bottles of water from his fridge. He handed her one, then cleared all but one of the throw pillows from the chaise.

  They settled in the way they’d been before, talking about the garden and their jobs, the meal they’d eaten at Dexter’s earlier. Their conversation came easily and seemed to be a “reset” of sorts. Luke found himself praying Britt wouldn’t get there too soon.