Without a Net

by Kimberly Cooper Griffin

Meg was scared. Her legs felt as if they might give way beneath her and she clung to Fiona.

  The sound of metal dragging across cement pierced their cocoon and a woman cleared her throat loudly. They reluctantly pulled apart.

  “This is a PG establishment, ladies,” laughed Betty, as she pushed another chair under a nearby table and then opened the door to the café. Before she went in, she said, “Can’t have you drawing a crowd out here, can we?”

  Meg stepped from Fiona’s embrace.

  “I’ll wait for you to call, Fiona. Please call,” she whispered.

  Fiona didn’t say anything as Meg walked away.

  Leaving was the hardest thing she had ever done, but if she turned around, she knew she wouldn’t be able to give Fiona the space she needed. To keep her sanity, Meg kept on walking, but as she rounded the corner of the building, she wondered if sanity was worth the ragged hole she felt in her heart.

  81

  The days began to blend together for Meg as she battled the growing emptiness she felt at receiving no word from Fiona. Without work or a regular schedule to keep her busy, she slept in late and went to bed early, which did little to ease the constant yearning that threatened to tear her apart when she was awake. Fiona monopolized her dreams and every time Meg woke with the apparition of Fiona fading behind her eyelids, the realization that Fiona was gone made the sadness only anchor itself deeper. No amount of sleep seemed to push away the fear that she had lost the woman she loved forever.

  In an attempt to break free of a spiral into depression, after a week of waiting, Meg forced herself to go running. If nothing else, it got her out of her room, where she had started to feel caged in and restless.

  The running helped. The exertion and rhythmic movement lulled her into an almost meditative state. Each day, her runs became longer, and she was finally able to see more of New York City, even if it was only from the perspective of the sidewalk. Soon, she found herself running in the mornings and again in the evenings. Once, when her loneliness threatened to crush her, she even found herself running in the middle of the night.

  A little over three weeks into not hearing from Fiona, Meg picked up her paintbrushes, which helped in the same way the running did—by allowing her to go to a place where she could escape the loneliness threatening to choke her.

  At least once a day, Meg stared at her phone desperate to call Fiona. She ached to hear her voice. She’d promised to wait, though, and she didn’t intend to break her promise.

  As September drew close, Meg’s fear that Fiona would never call grew stronger, and despair began to squeeze her heart. If she left the city without seeing Fiona, she feared she’d lose her forever.

  82

  “Danny, you don’t need to come down.” Katie spoke into the phone as she smiled at the woman standing next to her. She rolled her eyes. “We have it completely under control. The boys are out back moving the bales and they’re doing a great job… I know they’ll slack off if we don’t keep an eye on them… yes, I remembered to grease the lift on the pallet jack… I put dirt in the little holes, just like you instructed… I’m kidding… I said I was kidding… I grease gunned the zerts… I’m not a complete idiot… I know, it wasn’t funny… oh, now you can’t stop laughing?... Okay, I’ll call you if anything comes up… You, too, Danny… You know, the fish won’t bite if they hear you yammering away on the phone… Alrighty then... ‘Bye, Danny.”

  “Danny checking in again?” Fiona neatly folded another pair of Carhartt work pants and added them to the display table. With fall coming on, the warm and durable pants were selling like hot cakes.

  “The third time today,” Katie sighed. “At least he called from the river.”

  “He’s nervous because it’s delivery day.” Fiona straightened the piles of pants.

  Katie sank to the floor cross-legged and picked up the pricing gun. She affixed a price to the pants coming out of the box sitting on the floor at Fiona’s feet. “At least this week, he didn’t just come down.”

  “I kind of like his checks-in.” Fiona smiled down at Katie. “I’ve never worked in a store before, let alone owned one. I’m glad he’s watching over us.”

  “Yeah, it makes me feel good, too, actually,” Katie admitted. “I’ve worked here for ten years and could probably do it all myself, but it’s nice to have Danny around.”

  Meg put her hand on her barely round belly. Those who didn’t know her wouldn’t know. A faint bubbly feeling in her belly held her attention.

  “Is the baby kicking?” Katie quickly stood up. She always kept a watchful eye on her new boss. She didn’t have any children of her own, but she was a natural nurturer. Fiona didn’t know what she would have done without her.

  “I can’t tell.” Fiona chuckled. “It seems a little early.”

  “Ooo! Let me feel!”

  Fiona laughed. She loved Katie’s knack for being refreshingly direct. “I can’t feel it from the outside yet. Hell, it might be gas. But as soon as I know, I’ll let you know.”

  Katie smiled at the promise, and Fiona stood for a few more seconds trying to tell if the little flutters were the baby or not. After a minute, they went away and she began to fold clothes again. The women worked in easy silence, except for the country music playing over the store speakers. In some ways it felt like she’d been there much longer than six weeks, but Fiona wasn’t sure she’d ever get used to listening to country music.

  Two months ago, if someone had told Fiona she’d be working in a store in Winthrop, Washington, she would have laughed in their face. But here she was, folding shirts. Of course, the law practice she’d bought from Danny was her primary job and it was a lot of work coming up to speed with the caseload, but she found she enjoyed some of the retail stuff, too. Especially when she got to spend time with Katie, who was quickly becoming a good friend.

  Adjusting to life in Winthrop was easy. It was the memories she left behind that were hard.

  83

  Across the continent, Meg once again stood at the door of Fiona’s apartment. It was the middle of October and she’d come back to New York to pick up a few things she’d left at Aunt Vi’s, knowing full well it was only an excuse to try to see Fiona again. It had been nearly two months and she’d kept her promise not to contact her. Starting her job at the clinic had helped to keep her mind off of things, but leaving New York without a single word had been one of the hardest things she’d ever done. Now she was getting ready to head back to the airport and the draw toward Fiona’s apartment was too strong. She adjusted the large backpack she had slung over one shoulder and hitched up the long flat package wrapped in brown paper she had clasped under her arm. Her knocks on the door went unanswered.

  The taxi she’d called pulled to a stop in front of her building across the street. It was time to go. She knocked on the door again and waited. She didn’t expect Fiona to be home. It was the middle of the afternoon on a Wednesday, so she was probably at work. When no one answered the door, Meg propped the flat package against the door and walked slowly up the steps to the sidewalk. She waited for a break in traffic, then jaywalked over to the taxi and got in.

  84

  September, October, and November had flown by for Fiona, and between getting herself settled in a new town, taking over an established law practice, learning how to run a thriving retail store, and keeping up with the corporate cases Frank continued to send her way from Threadlocke and Guernsey, Fiona had very little time to dwell on how much she missed Meg.

  Deciding to actually leave T&G in New York had been difficult, but when she had told Frank what was going on, he’d asked her to continue doing the legal research and case prep, since much of it could be done remotely. While she’d wanted a clean break, she found having the link to her old life was comforting, and she was able to keep her medical insurance, something she hadn’t even considered when she decided to leave. And when she’d di
scovered Katie was a certified paralegal, she was able to delegate most of the research as she got up to speed on everything else. Things mysteriously seemed to be falling into place. It didn’t make her heart feel any better, though.

  Every day had been a new experience since the day Fiona had called Danny to discuss buying his practice. Between Danny’s eagerness to retire and Fiona’s sudden lack of ties to New York, it had only taken a couple of weeks for her to get moved out to Winthrop, and she hadn’t had a chance to take a breath since.

  Danny was a good businessman and Fiona was fortunate to walk right into a well-run situation. Nevertheless, there was a steep learning curve, and Fiona didn’t want to drop the ball on any of the clients Danny had been taking care of so well for so many years. On top of everything, she also had a retail store to learn how to run. Coming up to speed was time consuming—she was busy from the minute she woke up until the minute she dropped exhausted into bed every night.

  It was mostly at night when the yearning took over.

  It was Thanksgiving evening; Fiona was snuggled in her bed in her quiet little house amid stacks of unpacked boxes, listening to the unfamiliar creaks and groans of the old house settling under a fresh blanket of snow. She tried to push away the inevitable thoughts that always led to longing and tears. Tonight she wanted to think about what she was grateful for.

  She was thankful she’d had a good day, her first real day off since she had moved to Winthrop. After calling Mike and Maureen and Josh to wish them a happy Thanksgiving, Fiona had spent the day at Katie’s house, where she had watched football and eaten way too much food. It had been a cozy day. Danny had been there, as had Rickie the yard manager from the store and Jocelyn from the diner. She was thankful that, in the few short months she had lived in Winthrop, she had made a good friend in Katie and she’d built an eclectic little family of new friends. Only Katie knew her entire story, but the rest of them knew the gist of it. Fiona didn’t know what she would have done without them.

  Shortly after her arrival in town, one of the delivery drivers had asked her on a date. She’d been flattered but politely declined, providing a vague excuse about not dating people she worked with. She wasn’t exactly hiding who she was—she just didn’t have the energy to explain her situation yet. The town would know at least some of her troubles soon enough, when her pregnancy became evident. The driver took it easily enough and she thought that was the end of it.

  However, she quickly discovered that even the most inane news spread like wildfire in the small town. Less than an hour later, Katie had walked into her office, shut the door, and demanded all of the details. Katie had a well-deserved reputation for knowing everything that went on in Winthrop, so rather than deny anything, she told her the truth—she was a lesbian, had recently ended a relationship, and she didn’t have plans to date anyone for a long, long time, if ever. She hadn’t known she was on the verge of tears, but as soon as she said the last part, she wasn’t able to hold anything back. Mortified and sobbing, she didn’t know what to do when Katie stepped around the desk to give her a hug. But Katie was a good listener and she proceeded to tell Katie her entire story. She left nothing out while Katie rubbed her back and smoothed her hair. The exchange was a short one since they had a store to run, but afterward, Fiona had felt so much lighter. Confiding in Katie hadn’t fixed the hurt, but knowing she had someone to talk to had made living with it a little more bearable.

  She smiled when she thought about the exchange.

  Katie had made to leave the office but hesitated at the door. “For the record, boss—I’m a lesbian, too.” Katie had winked, kicked up her foot, and walked out the door.

  And because news traveled so quickly, the next day, Fiona discovered, one by one as they came to visit, that Jocelyn from the diner was a lesbian, and handsome, quiet Rickie was gay. Not one to be left out, Danny said he was so old and out of practice he couldn’t remember if he was gay or straight, so the little group just sort of adopted him.

  Alone in her bed, months later on the cold and snowy Thanksgiving night, Fiona thought about how lucky she was to have found such a great group of friends in the new town. She gave thanks for not being alone, yet the sadness was like a relentless river that threatened to overtake her. She tried to push it away by acknowledging her wonderful new friends, her health, the health of her unborn baby, and the perfect set of circumstances that brought her here. But there was a coldness in her, howling through the enormous hole in her heart, and she wondered if it would ever go away. She rolled onto her side and the hot tears came, as they did every night when the quiet reminded her how lonely she was without Meg.

  85

  It was the day after Christmas, and Meg stood under the portico in front of her parents’ house. Her hands were pushed deeply into the pockets of her coat as she stood next to her idling Jeep. She wasn’t dreading heading back to Okanogan—in fact she was looking forward to burying herself in work at the clinic—but she was lonely, and the holidays made it worse. Specifically, her loneliness for Fiona. She hadn’t heard from her since the meeting at Helga’s and she’d almost lost hope she ever would.

  “Will you call when you get home, honey?” her mother asked, as she pulled Meg into yet another goodbye hug. “The weather is supposed to get nasty tonight.”

  “I will.” Meg gently acknowledged her mother’s concern. “I’m going to stop and do a little snowshoeing on the way home though, so give me a few hours before you send out the patrols, okay?”

  “Don’t go too far off the trails. And be sure to sign in at the trail head. I worry about you going out by yourself.”

  “I will, Mom. Don’t worry. Today will be a short one.”

  “Have fun. Stay warm, and call me when you get home. I love you, honey.”

  “I know. And I love you too, Mom. Give Dad my love, too, okay?”

  Mickey and CJ—she kicked herself, Charlie—had left for the country club to play cards with the guys, as Mickey did every Sunday when the golf course was closed. Charlie had started going once he’d moved back home. Mike sometimes went, too, when he was visiting, which was often. It was weird watching CJ—ugh! Charlie—morph into this man she’d never known, who wasn’t always snide and secretive. A man who was happy and almost sweet. It was great to see him like this, but it took some getting used to. Mostly because Mike was still close to Fiona. Except for when she dropped off the painting, and one other time of weakness when she’d called Mrs. Rickles just to make sure Fiona was okay, she refused to break her promise about giving Fiona the space she’d asked for. It was hard not to beg Mike for information, but she’d made a promise.

  She hugged her mother one more time and climbed into her Jeep. A thin blanket of snow from one of the infrequent snowfalls Seattle had each year coated the sides of the quiet highway, though the lanes were dry and clear. Meg had the hardtop on the Jeep, but even with the heat turned all the way up, the inside was cold, and she could see her breath in the air. She pulled her beanie down more snugly on her head, and looked out across the landscape. It reflected her mood. A wall of gray clouds was moving in from the northeast. Snow was definitely coming. It was sure to be worse on the other side of the mountains. She loved the muted beauty of the falling snow when she snowshoed, but she suspected the pending storm would make her excursion a short one. A heavy storm was predicted, and she didn’t want to take any chances. The outfitter in town would tell her what was safe.

  *****

  She pulled her Jeep into a spot along the curb next to the bright red building of the country store and outfitter. She jumped down from the driver’s seat and stretched while she looked around. Snow was more frequent on this side of the mountains, and a thick layer coated everything. She loved the little town. It was small and rustic, and the community was tight. The sidewalk and parking spots were clear, but a tall bank of icy snow stood along the edge of the raised plank sidewalk. Meg walked around to the s
treet corner to get to the sidewalk. She tried not to remember the last time she had been to Winthrop, even if they’d only passed through. She missed Fiona too much to think too long about the last full day they had been happy together.

  The scent of freshly ground coffee drew her back to the present, and Meg stomped the snow from her feet on the steel grate placed before the door. An eerie sense of anticipation turned in her belly. She pulled off her gloves, unzipped her parka, and pushed the door open to the jingle of a little bell. The old barn was brighter than she remembered and the stacks of feed were more neatly stacked than usual. She was glad to be back. Something about the place filled her with comfort, which she attributed to its unchanging charm. The rich smell of brewing coffee led her gaze to the back of the store, where the clothing and outdoor equipment was displayed. She hummed along to the country song playing in the background as she walked through the stacks of feed and seed, stuffing her gloves into her jacket pockets. She smiled when she caught sight of a familiar form in front of the shiny espresso machine. She snuck up behind her.

  “Guess who,” Meg said, as she placed her hands over the woman’s eyes, careful to do so only after she had set the cup of hot coffee down.

  The woman stood up straighter, and laughed when she recognized her voice.

  “Meg! I was wondering if I’d see you sometime this year.” The woman spun around and gave her a hug. “Holy shit, you’re so skinny!”

  “Um… thanks?” Meg looked down at herself. “I’ve been running a lot. You look great, though.”

  “Sorry. I meant to say, you look skinny, but you’re as gorgeous as ever.” Katie laughed and rolled her eyes. “I’m just jealous. I always pack on the pounds in the winter.”

  Meg knew she’d dropped a little too much weight, but she teasingly waved a finger at Katie. “Good save. Can you make one of those for me?” She pointed at the steaming cup. “Where’s Danny? I want to ask him about the storm coming in.”