Feeling White

by Charlotte E Hart

  “Do you know that he loves you?” I ask as I climb off him and sit on the cool leather again.

  His brows shoot up as if he has no idea what I’m suggesting. I eye the Cognac in the centre console. I might need some. Actually, I do need some so I reach over and pour some into the cut crystal glass. Immediately chastising myself for mid-afternoon drinking, I tip it back and savour the flavour. This ridiculous conversation is setting my nerves on edge but the sharp burn that hits my throat is wonderful so I have some more.

  “Why the hell would you think that? I doubt it very much, Elizabeth. He knows better, and besides, the man is incapable of it,” he replies as he pours himself a drink and looks out of the window. “You know you do make things complicated sometimes. It’s only about pleasure and sometimes amusement.”

  What an unbelievable statement. If he thinks this is only about that, he needs his head examining. He probably does anyway. I gape at him. Has he never had one single feeling about anyone before me? Has he never even considered that Pascal might have feelings for him? And what the hell has he given any other poor woman that he might have considered an amusement previous to me? The face of the cutthroat bastard blossoms across his features from somewhere and I ponder what emotion has just shut him down. I watch him over my drink and try to suppress my need to jump him. I so wish he’d stop looking so bloody gorgeous all the time, especially when he’s all ferocious. That strong jaw and unyielding mouth are simply too distracting sometimes.

  “I didn’t think you liked to share,” I mutter, almost to myself really because it appears talkative Alex has left the car. His body tenses as he turns back towards me with a look of distaste. It’s almost enough to make me jump out of the window. He could kill with that look, that slight sneer of disgust or perhaps the beginnings of rage.

  “I don’t, Elizabeth, so I suggest you think about that before I put you in a room with both of us. I can assure you I will be thinking an awful lot about it,” he replies as he continues to stare at me.

  Well that makes the whole thing so much easier for me to understand. Not.

  Incomprehensible.

  Chapter 15

  Alexander

  N o matter how he thought about it or which vision he created for himself, the thought was just wrong and unfortunately completely enthralling. To see her in Pascal’s arms would simply be too fucking much and Alex knew it. Regardless of how fucking erotic the sight might be, he didn’t, in all honesty, know if he’d be able to stop himself from killing the bastard. Why the hell couldn’t he just get the vision out of his head and keep his damned mouth shut? He loved her. Every single bit of her beautiful body and mind belonged to him, his to do with as his chose, and here he was wanting to see her with Pascal.

  He had assumed, obviously wrongly, that he wouldn’t want this. He certainly didn’t like the man even looking at her, but he couldn’t get that smirking bastard’s sex-fuelled gaze out of his mind. He’d never seen the man so enraptured before, and whether he liked it or not, he wanted to see more of it. Perhaps he just wanted to see it again so he could rip it away from the bastard. He could be a vindictive little shit when the mood took him and he knew it. But Pascal had done nothing to deserve his wrath, so something else must be driving his need to see them together and to be part of it. He didn’t fucking understand it in the slightest, so when she had muttered the word share beneath her breath as she’d sat there looking absurdly decadent given her jeans and white jumper, he’d instantly been irritated to the point of disgust with himself.

  He didn’t know. How could he answer if he didn’t know? He only knew he wanted it and so did she. She was probably bloody confused and given his temper regarding her, she was more than likely a little scared. Well so was he. For the first time in a very long existence of being completely in control of a sexual scene, so was he. Just the thought of her being more attracted to or possibly more interested in Pascal was almost not worth the interaction, but clearly not enough to make it stop him wanting it.

  When Parker, the driver that Andrews handed over to when he left for his holiday, looked at her when she got out of the car, Alex had to hold himself back from ripping his head off, literally ripping it off. The rage that surged through him as the man smiled far too seductively was consuming to the point of explosion. She nodded politely and then gazed back towards him with nothing but adoration while she reached for his hand. It softened the moment enough for him to remember where he was but not enough to stop him texting Andrews and telling him to order the jet and get his arse back tomorrow. He’d had a week, which was enough of a holiday for him. He was about the only one who Alex trusted around her. Well, him and Conner anyway. So why he thought he could do this with Pascal was utterly bemusing, and why had she talked about Pascal being in love with him?

  That was the most absurd thing he had ever heard. Yes, she might be in touch with her feelings but if she thought she could read Pascal’s, she was sorely mistaken. He wasn’t even sure if the man had anything that could remotely be considered a feeling of love, unless it was with regard to business. However, it did cross his mind that maybe the connection between them was a little more than simply fucking women and game playing. He did like the man after all. Maybe the master was a little more emotional than he’d considered before. That didn’t mean he was in love though, did it? Fucked if he knew. Emotions were still a lost cause as far as he was concerned. Yes, he’d give her what she wanted, but whether he’d ever be comfortable with them was another thing entirely.

  Now they were standing in the sleek, white foyer of the complex he’d had built four years ago. He shook his head and tried to bring himself back to the moment at hand and gazed across at her as she chatted amicably with the centre manager, Pauline Turbury. The woman was stick thin and haggard as hell, but given her start in life, he didn’t understand how she was even alive today, let alone running a place as big as Addison’s. He’d chosen her because of her empathy, because she’d been through more than anyone he’d ever met and because he was so humbled by her that sometimes he didn’t even know what to say. It was still in her eyes. Even thirty years after the abuse, she still carried it around with her every day and when she looked at him, she knew he did as well.

  No one else knew apart from Elizabeth but Pauline seemed to, and she did nothing but put her hand on his shoulder and smile. She never questioned him or tried to delve deeper but she somehow conveyed that she was there if he needed her. He would never need her but the thought that she was there was comforting to some degree. He had Elizabeth now. That was all he needed to get through each memory. She would give him everything he needed and probably more because he had no intention of ever letting her go. She was his and that was the fucking end of the topic. Pascal could go jump off a fucking bridge. He wasn’t having her. He shook his head again in hatred of his own indecisiveness as a sound drifted through his head, an angel’s voice beckoning him for more.

  “Alex, are you coming?” she said as she flicked her luscious red locks over her shoulder. His eyes dropped to her mouth. Unfortunately, no, he wasn’t coming and Christ, he wanted to, preferably with her lips wrapped around him. He chuckled at her enthusiasm and his thoughts. She was excited to see this side of him. Of course she would be, wouldn’t she? It showed his emotions for what they were worth.

  “Yes, of course. Is Sophie around, Pauline? I told her I’d like her to meet Elizabeth and she never did call me.” Pauline’s face fell a little as she walked them towards the stairs.

  “Alex, Sophie has been having some problems. She has had some setbacks that have made her continuing progress a little more difficult. She’s probably in the gardens. I’ll go and find her. Why don’t you two have a wander around and we’ll meet you in the cafeteria in a little while,” she said as she waved and clicked her way along the long corridor.

  “What would you like to see first?” he asked her as he took her hand and led them up the stairs to the function rooms. He wasn’t even sure what she�
�d make of the place. The people here were damaged. Hopeful yes, that was a requirement of them being allowed to stay, but they were all shells of people on their way to a more stable future if possible. The odds were that three out of ten actually made it through their pain, and while it wasn’t enough, it was at least a start.

  “I don’t know. What is there to see? I don’t want to interrupt anything important. I mean these people are all in therapy of some sort, aren’t they? I suppose I just want to understand how they get to a better place, how you help them,” she replied in a soft whisper as she hesitantly looked around. He chuckled.

  “You don’t need to whisper, baby. Addison’s is quite open about everything that happens. The route to forward progression here is based on facing the issue, whatever it might be, and engaging in various different discussions or therapies that suit the individual best. Some work, some don’t. I’m afraid it depends on the depth of the abuse,” he said as he opened the door to the games room. Several familiar faces looked up and smiled at him. One particular young lady almost threw herself at him.

  “Alex,” she shouted as she ran to him and wrapped her hands around his waist.

  He stiffened instantly but tried to remain fluid to some degree. Tamsin was twelve when she was brought to the centre. She was now fifteen and on her way to being more balanced, but two abusive brothers had fucked her life up immeasurably. She raised he head slightly and glared at Elizabeth from his chest. He felt her hands tighten around his waist so he gently removed them. She was also known to be possessive and explosive. The irony wasn’t lost on him at all, but she was becoming too attached to the wrong person - namely him. She curled her lip at him and took a step back as she continued her glare at her newest threat.

  “Tamsin, how are you? This is my girlfriend, Elizabeth. I thought it might be nice if you could show her around the games room while I have a chat to Frank,” he said, keeping a careful distance. His girlfriend, thank God, kept a warm smile plastered across her face as she extended her hand to the young girl. It wasn’t a game to her. She wasn’t showing her guts or guile; she simply seemed to be happy and unaffected by Tamsin’s demeanour. He watched in awe, as his bewitching woman seemed to disarm the girl and began chatting with her about her hairstyle. Tamsin flushed and giggled like a child. Well, she was one - at least she could be here. He smiled at her and let them wander off to the pool table. Frank, the shrink, appeared at his side. He was a good one apparently.

  “Quite a woman you’ve got there,” he said as he pulled up a chair for them both. Alex growled at him; he couldn’t help it. It was becoming the norm and she appeared amused by it most of the time, if slightly uneasy. The dick laughed.

  “Yes,” was the best answer he could find as he recalled his irritation and gazed at her sublime figure.

  “Are you finally releasing yourself to someone, Alexander?” He chuckled at that. Frank had been trying his psychoanalysis shit with him for years so he turned toward the man and smiled.

  “Tell me what’s been going on around here, Frank. Pauline says Sophie’s not doing great and Ben isn’t looking too hot either,” he asked as he looked over at the blonde haired boy. The nine year-old looked completely lost in his own world of window gazing as he swayed from side to side.

  “Still using the avoidance technique then?”

  “Apparently so,” was his short response as he raised a brow. Frank smiled and looked across at the boy again.

  “It’s always like this, Alexander. You know that. Nothing comes quickly. Your impatience is heart warming but we both know half these kids won’t make it. We can only try, and unfortunately, Sophie’s mother died, which she’s finding hard to cope with,” Frank said with a sigh. “But on the positive side, we have had eight others move onto Bernard housing. They’re all going to college now and looking forward to life again.”

  It still wasn’t enough. He felt like pounding the shit out of something as he relived a few moments at his father’s hands, his face buried in the carpet as he’d been held down. Bile rose in his throat and he looked across at her. She giggled at him and waved her elegant hand. The vision of his father dissipated to a distant blur and he rubbed at his throat as he remembered her fingers there. Only ever hers.

  “Come and meet Elizabeth, Frank. I think she’ll like you. She’s quite fond of talking about feelings,” he said as he stood and wandered over to the angel who was currently sinking pool balls expertly, another thing he didn’t know about her. He also couldn’t stop watching her backside leaning across the table. God, he wished they were alone. He had a feeling she’d enjoy his current thoughts regarding the pool cue. He certainly would. Christ, her ability to distract him from his thoughts was miraculous to say the least. Tamsin stared at him as he moved forward but she didn’t try to move and she even smiled a little as he approached his angel. Fuck, the woman had done it again. She didn’t even try and people loved her. It wasn’t surprising as much as it was awe-inspiring.

  “Elizabeth, this is Frank Stelling. He’s the resident guiding enlightenment for the kids here,” he said with a smirk as Frank tutted behind him and shook her hand.

  “Hello, Elizabeth, lovely to meet you. Tell me, what have you done to our patron? He seems, dare I say it, happy.” She beamed at Frank. It was almost enough to bring Alex to his knees and he swallowed his giddiness before anyone else saw it. God, he worshipped the ground she walked on.

  “Well, it appears, Frank all you have to do is play a few games with him. He likes them you see and I love playing with him,” she said as she licked her lips. His dick twitched. Temptress. He wanted her, immediately. Why he hadn’t taken her in the car was a mystery. For some reason, he’d just wanted to please her and watch. That behaviour was still fucking odd.

  Frank stood watching her in amusement. The man was too clever for his own good and as he looked across at Alex, he felt his defences around the man crumble a bit. He had been the one to give him Schroeder’s number so he knew the counselling had begun. What he thought of Elizabeth was anyone’s guess, but he was probably far more intrigued with how she had found a way in. He couldn’t blame the man; he hadn’t got a clue himself.

  “Interesting. Games... I never thought of that,” he said as he raised a brow and shifted his head to watch a small boy who was having some sort of aggressive blow out with the drinks machine. “It seems I am needed. Elizabeth, it was a pleasure. Alexander, give my best to Schroeder the next time you see him, and can I suggest that you take her with you next time?” he said as he walked off toward the boy with a wave. Bastard.

  “Who’s Schroeder?” she asked without hesitation. Tamsin looked at him quizzically.

  “Not here, Elizabeth. Let’s walk and we’ll discuss it. Sophie and Pauline will be waiting for us,” he said as he grabbed her hand, smiled at the young girl and led her out of the door.

  “Bye, Tamsin, lovely meeting you,” she called over her shoulder. His heart warmed at her care of a girl she’d never met before. “She’s a remarkable young lady,” she said as she continued looking back at her. “Why is she here?”

  “It’s not my story to tell. I’m sorry but I can’t. You could come back and ask her yourself, though. She seems to have taken a shine to you. You can be as involved with this as you’d like to be. They’re always looking for volunteers,” he replied as they headed out the doors and through the garden to the cafeteria.

  “Oh wow, look at this,” she said as she gazed around at the gardens. He smiled at her love of the outdoors. “Someone really went to town on the grounds.”

  “It’s important to be around beauty for rehabilitation,” he replied, gazing at the most enchanting thing in the place. She stole the show with every fibre of her being. “I had the designers create small, intimate spaces for contemplation and large, open spaces for communal gatherings. It’s critical for them to feel together but not overly crowded.” She gaped at him.

  “You did this? I knew you were involved but did you do all of this? Is th
is whole place because of you?” He’d forgotten she didn’t know the extent of his involvement and frowned a little at the thought. Should he tell her the reasons why? Perhaps not now.

  “Addison’s was formed six years ago. I had this place built four years ago because the original location was unsuitable for more children. Come on, I think it’s going to rain,” he said as he tugged her hand and led them into the café. He didn’t want any more conversation on the matter.

  “You do know your distractions don’t work anymore, don’t you? You can’t deflect me, and I still want to know who Schroeder is. But, Mr. White, I happen to love you immensely so I’ll let you keep your secrets for now,” she said as she wrapped her hands gently around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. He smiled into her face at her abilities and enjoyed the feeling of her skin on his.

  “I love you, too,” he replied, returning the kiss and moving away from her. He saw Pauline from the corner of his eye, smiling warmly at them and walked over to her. Where was Sophie?

  “She’s not up to seeing anyone. I’m sorry,” Pauline said as they reached her. Alex smiled a little to himself as he thought of all the times in his life that he hadn’t been up to seeing anyone. Frankly, it had been most of his life. Fucking parasitic do-gooders, pretending they had a clue what any of it felt like. If only Sophie knew how much he understood about how she felt.

  “It’s okay. I’ll see her next time or tell her to give me a call whenever she feels like it,” he replied as he looked at his watch. “We should get going anyway.”

  “Oh, that’s a shame. It’s been good to see you though. It always does the children a world of good to see you here. They look up to you more than you know,” Pauline replied as she grinned at him. He smiled back but couldn’t stop the irritation rising internally at her continuing approval of him. She knew nothing of how little he deserved their admiration.