Feeling White

by Charlotte E Hart

  I have no idea what I’m supposed to say in this situation. I just gape at him. Did he just tell my mother that he wants to get married at some point and have babies with me? Yesterday he was telling me I could have sex with another man if I wanted to - the king of the kink world at that - and now we’re talking happy families… What the hell? I seriously have no clue whatsoever. I’m completely lost. He lives in another world.

  “Well, given that you got her on that death machine that I’ve just seen Alan on, I would say she’ll probably say yes, if and when you ask more directly. And I hope you do so rather quickly. Life is far too short for silly games.”

  I’m still staring at him with my mouth open as he turns back to her and nods quietly with a frown forming around his beautiful eyes. I possibly didn’t handle that announcement from him all that well. Maybe I was supposed to beam with delight or jump into his lap or something equally as dreamlike, but frankly, I’m just so shocked I can’t even begin to process the statement. I shake my head from its fog and turn to my mum as she gets up. After all, she’s the one I’m here for.

  “Mum, I wanted to ask about-”

  She cuts me off with one of her death stares as we all hear the rumble of Alex’s bike returning.

  “No, I won’t hear of it. I am ill... again. That is the end of it. If I have any other information for you, I’ll let you know. Now stop making this poor man uncomfortable and tell him how much you love him while I go and check on your father. I’m surprised he’s made it back in one piece to be honest,” she says as she scurries out of the kitchen with her bob swinging and leaves us alone. I look across at him and try to form some words. Nothing comes to mind, unfortunately, and I fiddle with my fingers as I look at the table.

  “I'm sorry she put you under that pressure. You really didn’t have to say anything, and I...” He reaches across and tilts my chin up. Why is he always doing that?

  “If you’re going to tell me that you don’t want the same, Elizabeth, you will damn well look me in the eyes when you say it,” he says tersely as he drills me with his. My heart rate is now through the bloody roof. “I meant every word I said, and unless you’re about to refuse me, I would suggest you don’t say anything else until you’re ready to do so.”

  Okay, that I can manage. Saying nothing is exactly what I want to do because I still can’t form sentences in my head, let alone through my mouth. The fact that Alexander White is sitting in my family kitchen is strange enough; the thought that he may have just proposed in a roundabout manner is frankly bizarre. I sit quietly and gaze across at him with a small smile. His lips quirk up into a smirk at my refusal to speak. It’s apparently all he needs to be happy again because I watch the wrinkles unfold in his forehead as he gazes out of the window.

  “I like your mother’s honesty, albeit a little heads up would have been nice,” he continues with a chuckle. I smile back at him as I feel the tension leave my body at his more relaxed demeanour. Love rolls across me and almost floors me as I watch him lift his head and broaden his extraordinary smile at me. His eyes suddenly twinkle mischievously and it makes me wonder what else is going on in his mind. Probably sex - it’s normally his default setting.

  “I love you,” comes out of my mouth without apology or regret. I do, unequivocally, and I want him to understand that. I want him to know that regardless of anything, I will always love him. He nods at me as my parents walk back in and reaches for my hand.

  “Son, I think I’ve broken your bike,” my dad says as he holds up a piece of something dark grey and a handful of bolts with a perplexed expression. “I’m not sure what happened but now it won’t shift out of gear.” Alex furrows his brow again a little then bursts out laughing as he stands up and rolls up his sleeves.

  “Have you got tools? Let’s see if we can fix her.” He chuckles as he winks at me and follows Dad out of the door. Clearly he’s a mechanic as well. Is there anything the man can’t do?

  “That’s a mighty fine piece of ass,” my mum says as she watches them walk away. I assume she’s not talking about Dad. Oh, help me!

  “Mum, really? I came here to talk about you. I think you’ve embarrassed me, and him, enough for a millennium.”

  “Bethy, you must marry that man. It’s imperative. Anyway, tell me about this Conner that your sister’s dating. She won’t tell me a thing. You know how she is. Is it serious? And does he really have blue hair? And which company does he work for? And what possessed you to get on that bike? Actually, scrap that, even I might get on again for that man. You must drool permanently.” She looks at me expectantly as she puts the kettle on again. I roll my eyes but she’s right about the drooling; even I’ll admit that.

  “Mum, please, I just want to know about the tests and about what happens next. Can you at least tell me that?” She sighs and turns back to me.

  “Darling, I’m not going to think about it too much again until the time comes. I will fight it again if I have to, and I will have the love of my family around me to help. Just let me be happy for now and enjoy seeing you and Belle finally finding someone important in your lives,” she says as she brushes a tear from my eye. That’s my mum, a hopeless romantic and always thinking of us. I decide it’s best to fill her in on Belle’s gossip and give her what she wants rather than continue with the other horrible topic. I grab my phone and search the internet for the best picture of Conner I can find - preferably not one of him brawling. It’s not easy, but I eventually I find one of him outside his office looking dapper in a blue pinstripe suit and give the phone over to her.

  “Oh my, that really is blue hair,” she exclaims as her eyes widen. “That’s definitely a Prada suit, though, so he at least has some style, and he’s a rather a big boy, too.”

  “Actually, he’s got pink tips on it at the moment as well. Belle dared him, and he hardly ever wears a suit. He is absolutely besotted with her, though, and he’s a good man. You’ll like him. She even mentioned moving in with him.”

  “Really? Well that’s astonishing,” she says as she continues looking at him. “He really is quite handsome the more you look at him. Do you think he’ll always have blue hair?” she says as she tips the phone sideways.

  Alex walks in through the door and completely steals my attention as he walks behind her to the sink to wash his hands. His eyes flick to the phone screen and he shakes his head with a smile.

  “Sorry to interrupt, ladies, were you ogling men?” My mum’s face turns beet red as she slaps his thigh. “And yes, Conner will always have blue hair. However, I think your other daughter is beginning to make him pull it out so he may not always have hair at all.”

  “That’s my girl. I do hope you realise what you’re letting yourself in for, Alex?” she says with a giggle. It’s so much like my own that I can’t help but join in.

  “I’m extremely happy to let myself in for anything that Elizabeth wants,” he says as he looks across at me with his panty dropping smile. I restrain my giggling fit and try for calm as his gaze holds mine, licking his lips over my mum’s shoulders and raising that bloody brow at me. I squeeze my thighs together and shake my head at him just as my dad walks in behind me. I can’t stop exploding with laughter again at the rate at which Alex’s face changes to one of seriousness. Mum looks confused. Well at least it’s not me this time.

  I finally finish my little bout of hysterics and wander over to Alex, who quietly puts his arm around my waist.

  “The bike’s going to have to be fixed. It needs new parts so a car will be here in about an hour if that’s okay with you. I’ve got something I’d like to share with you since we’re in the area,” he says. I have no clue what he’d like to share with me but nod my head and look at Dad, who’s hovering in the corner with a grin on his face as he watches us. Alex, it seems, has won over my entire family. Well, nearly… I’m pretty sure Belle’s still not that happy about him but she is trying, which for her is a positive step towards happy.

  “I think it’s time for cake t
hen,” Mum says as she jumps up and puts the kettle back on the aga. “Walnut, chocolate or raspberry ripple?” My stomach rumbles.

  ~

  Leaving Mum’s house was the hardest thing I’ve had to do for a while. It was probably the nicest time I’ve had with her in ages. As usual, she’d fallen into giggling fits as Alex had regaled her with slightly naughty stories of varying situations he had been in during his life and I’d watched in awe as he’d delivered an admirable performance simply to make her smile. She’d blushed and gasped her way through the whole thing. It seems he can work any woman into a frenzy.

  Dad also smirked his way through the conversation while gazing at mum in adoration, and when the time eventually came to leave, he pulled Alex into a hug and thanked him for making his wife smile. The moment brought tears to my eyes, but for all his performance with my mum, he went instantly rigid in Dad’s arms, as if he simply didn’t know what to do with the moment. Dad coughed slightly and backed away, trying to pull the intimacy away again but it was too late.

  I could only watch as Alex waved him off awkwardly and walked out the door towards the car as he smiled back at Mum. All I was able to do was hug them both and say sorry to Dad. How was I supposed to explain to him why Alex had reacted in that way? It wasn’t my story to tell, and to be honest, I didn’t entirely understand it myself. And now, while we’re being driven to lord knows where, I am still trying to work that out as I lean onto his chest and listen to the thud of his heart beneath my ear. Perhaps I should just ask him? He’s been pretty quiet since we left, not off with me or anything, just thoughtful and slightly distant.

  “Thank you for all of that,” I say into his shirt. His arm tightens around me as he kisses my head and rubs my arm absentmindedly.

  “I think it should be me thanking you. Your parents are wonderful. I’ve never felt so welcomed by unknown people,” he replies quietly. “I’m only sorry I left your dad feeling uncomfortable.”

  “It’s okay. He’ll understand; don’t worry. Well, he won’t, but you know what I mean. How could he? He doesn’t know anything about your past so he’ll probably just assume you’re a little rigid or something. Anyway, forget about it. It doesn’t matter. Actually, it does matter, not to him but to me. Why did you react like that?” Tactful, Beth! I have no idea how I managed to make that sound like such a disaster, but I’ve asked now so at least I’ll get an answer.

  “I’ve never had a man older than me hug me in such a way. It felt... strange,” he replies instantly as if he’s been thinking about the answer for a while. Well, at least my assumption was right.

  “You reacted the same way when Mrs Peters hugged you. Was it the same feeling then?”

  “No, that was distrust. Unfortunately, I still have that feeling regarding her,” he says with an unapologetic tone as pulls me across his lap to straddle him, his face suddenly changing. “Take your top off. I want to watch you come.”

  Okay, definitely emotion avoidance, and actually, I couldn’t give a damn. I’ve wanted him all day and he’s known it all day. I pull my jumper off and throw it behind me to the floor. He immediately slips the cups of my bra to the side and bites at my nipples roughly. There will be nothing relaxing about this and my groin pushes toward him as I tilt away from him to increase the friction against it. His right hand flicks the button on my jeans as his left supports my weight and he shoves them down a little to make room for his deft fingers. I moan at the feeling as he pulls his head up to look at me and inches his fingers inside me.

  “Oh god,” I groan softly as I rub into his hand and feel the ache subside that has been desperate for his touch. His other hand finds its way into the back of my jeans and he reaches down further than I expected and rubs at my other entrance. My eyes fly open at the movement and I still in his arms.

  “You’ve never been fucked here, have you?” he says as he drags the finger forward to get some of the moisture he’s creating and then increases the pressure until he pushes a finger in slowly, inch by inch. My eyes widen at him as I absorb the feeling. No, I haven’t, and I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of it being filled. Dirty, raw and penetrating are the only words that come close to what I’m sensing as both his hands work gently at me. His thumb flicks across me with a growl of possession and I feel the beginning of my orgasm taking hold. Intense pleasure starts at my neck and seems to radiate downwards to every nerve in my body. “I’m going to fuck you there, baby. I’m going to drive myself in there so hard you’ll beg me to keep doing it,” he continues as his fingers work in unison, faster and with more force. I moan against him as my body begins to shake at his words and thoughts of him behind me. “And when I’ve done it enough times, you’re going to let another man do it so I can watch from beneath you.” Shit, I can’t form thoughts.

  Oh God, Pascal.

  His intense eyes and the thought of what he’s just said send a bolt of lightning straight to my core and it ignites as I pant with lust at his words and tip my head back to absorb every moment of the bliss he’s creating. “Oh god, Alex, yes,” I call out as my body moves of its accord to enhance the rhythm he’s creating within me naturally, as if I’ve done this a thousand times. Each slide backwards and forwards causes friction in another direction as I feel his fingers rubbing together inside me.

  Sudden shivering takes hold of me as I erupt with the most explosive and mind blowing sensation I’ve ever had. Every colour of the rainbow flicks across my vision and I stop breathing completely as my head comes back into line with his and his feral gaze lets me know he was deadly serious. I can’t stop intoxicating green eyes flashing through my mind as I look back into his darkened blues. I know that’s who he’s thinking about, and as hard as I try to dismiss them, I can’t, so I let them wash through me as I move on his fingers and look into the eyes of the man I love.

  “Breathe, baby,” he says softly as he removes his finger leisurely while continuing to grind his original hand in me, his thumb massaging me back down slowly with a rhythmic cadence that seems to lull me back to a peaceful place of compliance.

  I watch his eyes as he stares into the very heart of me to ensure I’m listening to what he’s told me. He wants me to be ready for this. He told me he’d take me further and that he’d want everything from me. It appears he’s now beginning to let me hear his thoughts more vividly and I have absolutely no idea how I feel about it. I can’t even fathom a thought regarding how his words make me feel - only that he’s probably right because I know that when he tells me to do something, I will, more than likely without hesitation.

  Eventually, he gently removes his hand and buttons my jeans up again as I gaze into his face with unsure eyes. His hand strokes across my jaw and moves its way around the back of my neck.

  “You are exquisite, Elizabeth, and I will give you every piece of the damaged soul you ask for in return for your acceptance of it. That’s all I ask of you, that you do not condemn me because of it,” he says steadily with a slightly pained expression. Condemn him? Never, but I do want to know why.

  From somewhere deep within, I find the courage to just ask the question.

  “Why Pascal?” I could have expanded but, frankly, there’s no point. He might as well continue with the honesty. He’s hesitant for a moment, slightly shocked even, as he glances at my lips and then chuckles.

  “I’ve never had to answer that before. I’m not quite sure what to say,” he replies as he picks up a piece of my hair and twirls it around his finger. “Pascal is a known quantity, I suppose, and you want him. He’s the only one I’d allow this with,” he says with a shrug. No, I don’t. Yes, I do. No... Or do I? No fucking clue anymore. Should I say I don’t want him again? Clearly Alex wants the experience anyway, but I thought he didn’t like to share…

  “Do you?” Oh, shit! That definitely came out without any thought at all. Well sod him, I’ve always wanted to know.

  The silence stretches as he presumably thinks about his response and continues with his twir
ling of my hair. Well he hasn’t said no and that’s what I expected so what does that mean? It’s one thing knowing that Pascal is in love with him, or something that goes much deeper, but to think that maybe Alex has feelings for him in return is slightly perturbing. I can’t compete with that. I don’t even know if I want to be part of that. I will admit that I’d probably do it, but suddenly the thought of three people’s feelings being involved in a game is terrifying. Not that Pascal would care. He’s clearly been dealing with his feelings for a while. I drop my face away from him because I can’t hold those eyes anymore. He might know what he’s doing here but I absolutely do not.

  “Head up, Elizabeth. Let me look at those eyes while I think about this. They ground me enough to be honest,” he says firmly. Oh god, he does want him.

  Time seems to roll on as his face stays unchanged and he tries to find his way through his thoughts. I just sit and stare at him expectantly in the hope that whatever leaves his mouth next is comforting to some degree. What am I doing even discussing this? My inner slut maybe stripping her clothes off but my mind is not in agreement at all. This is quite plainly ridiculous.

  “My history with Pascal is clouded with mixed thoughts, Elizabeth. He has been a tutor, a tormentor and a confidant. He allows me to be exactly what I am with no judgement or sense of consequence. In fact, he encourages it to the point of stupidity sometimes. Do I want him? No, Elizabeth. I am not bisexual, nor gay, much as he might want me to be. But I do need him for certain elements of my preferences. He knows me well, is extremely skilled and he knows the rules that I require of him,” he eventually says.

  I have done nothing but watch his mouth move and try to process the words that have left it. He doesn’t want Pascal. I can breathe again because there would have been no competing with that amount of testosterone. Clearly there is a strong bond between them with regard to sex, but if he’s being honest with me, it’s nothing more than that. What it means they’ve done together before, I’m still not sure of, but I’m now pretty sure it’s been hedonistic to say the least. However, it does beg the question of how he hasn’t seen Pascal’s feelings for him before. Maybe he has?