Standstill

by Nicole Dykes

  I roll my eyes. Jesus. He could never make it as me. I think I’m on month five of no sex, and you don’t see me crying. Okay, maybe a little.

  I stand up. “Fine, asshole.”

  “Go be social. It won’t kill you.”

  I walk toward the door, hollering behind me as I leave. “Remember to get her name this time. Write it on your fucking hand if you have to.”

  “Great idea!” He yells back, and I rejoin the cackling hens.

  Fuck my life.

  “I can’t believe you showed.”

  I grin when I see Reed round the corner and approach the popular bar in the Power and Light District. When he said he would come out with me tonight, I was sure he would bail.

  “Yeah well, gotta let my hair down sometimes.”

  We walk inside, and I can’t resist giving him a little shit. “And yet, you’re still wearing a fucking suit.”

  He just laughs and loosens his tie a little as we take a seat at the bar. “Well, Erin told me I needed to have a little fun, actually.”

  I order two whiskeys and smile as I pay. “Yeah. That makes more sense.”

  He takes a drink of the strong drink. “She thinks I need to relax. Where’s your usual wingman?”

  I laugh to myself, thinking about poor Ashlyn stuck at home and forced to socialize. I was shocked when I saw other people at our house. I don’t think that’s ever happened before, with exception of the occasional chick from the night before who won’t go home. “She had some work friends over.”

  Reed quirks an eyebrow, knowing Ashlyn well. And I just laugh, shaking my head, totally unsure how that happened.

  I take a drink, my eyes darting around the crowded bar, trying to find anyone who can hold my attention for an hour. I roll my eyes, pissed that all I see is Ashlynn in that fucking dress.

  No one even comes remotely close.

  Fuck!

  I keep my cool and turn back around on my bar stool, giving up for a moment and changing the subject. “Erin knocked up yet?”

  He almost spits out his drink. “How the fuck do you know about that?”

  “I just had a hunch you guys were planning that shit soon. So, she’s already pregnant?”

  He takes a drink. “It’s really fucking early, but yeah.”

  I grin. “That’s fucking awesome. I can’t wait to be Uncle Garrett.”

  He looks shocked and lifts the glass to his lips. “Yeah, I never thought I would hear you say that.”

  “I’m not a fucking monster, man. Of course, I’m happy for you guys.”

  He takes a celebratory drink and nudges my arm. “What about you?”

  I know what he’s asking, but joke, “Nah, I’m definitely not pregnant. Had a couple of scares, though.”

  He rolls his eyes. After twenty years, I think he’s probably really fucking sick of my defense mechanisms. “You know what I meant, dickface. You ever want kids?”

  I try to swallow away the sickening taste in my mouth. “You know that all kind of went out the window when Paige died.” We were young, but I know she wanted marriage and kids. So that was the plan. I wanted everything and anything as long as it involved Paige.

  “There’s still time, man.” He offers quietly, knowing that when the subject of Paige comes up, it’s best to tread lightly.

  “I’m not boyfriend material.”

  He pivots on his stool, his eyes sliding around the room before turning back to face the bar, taking another drink. “I’m pretty sure half the chicks in this bar would beg to differ. You have that wounded, little bird thing.” He’s mocking me now. “Come on, man. Let them change ya.”

  Asshole. “Fuck off.”

  He laughs. “You’re no less boyfriend material than any of us. You just need to find the right chick.”

  “Right. And when I find someone I can actually stand for longer than a night? How the hell is it fair to her that I’ll always be wishing she was someone else. Always thinking about Paige in the back of my head. You tell me how that’s fair to anyone.”

  My voice is tight, my jaw clenched, my hand clinging far too hard to the glass in my hand. He pats my shoulder. “You never know. Maybe you’ll find someone who can lessen that. Even just a little.”

  I shake my head, my patience thinning. “Not happening.”

  Reed is smart and drops it, but then he says, “It sure seems like Ash may be thinking about taking the next step. Finding someone.”

  Christ. I finish off my drink and place it on the bar. “She told Erin about the other night.”

  It’s not even a question. We’ve all known each other so long I know without a doubt Erin and Reed know everything about her date last week. “Of course, she did.”

  “So what?”

  “So, she said you were a total dick about it. Which isn’t all that unusual.” I need new friends. “But you were pissed about her outfit?”

  “You didn’t see the dress.”

  “Sounds like jealousy to me.”

  I order another drink. “It was concern, at best.”

  He doesn’t believe me, and honestly, I’m not sure I believe myself. “Look, I was certain that you two have never crossed that line.” I flinch and hope like hell he didn’t see it. “I mean hell, at first we made bets on when you would, but then as far as we knew, you didn’t.” He gestures at me accusingly, and I know he didn’t miss it. “And what the fuck was that face you just made?”

  Shit. Shit. Shit. “What fucking face? This is just my face.”

  “Don’t give me that shit, motherfucker. I’m a lawyer. I can read people like none other. What the hell was that face?”

  Ah, fuck me. I take another drink and sit as still as possible.

  Maybe something will happen and we can magically move on from this.

  “You two slept together?”

  Fucking, fuck, fuck! I should have made Ash ditch those women from work and come with me. There would have been far less talking.

  “Just once. Okay? No big deal.”

  “What the fuck? When?”

  I try to shake the memory from my head, not wanting to go back there. “It was a while ago.”

  His head is going to actually explode. “A while? What the actual fuck, man? When?”

  “When we first moved into the house. A long fucking time ago, and it was just once. Drop it.”

  “No fucking way am I going to drop this shit. How did that happen and you not tell us about it?”

  Again, I try to shake the memory of the one and only time I had sex with my best friend. “It didn’t matter, and it didn’t happen again, so there was no need to talk about it. We didn’t want you guys to freak the fuck out and make it into something it wasn’t.”

  “Holy shit. You’ve been inside of her.”

  I cringe and turn to face him. “Never say that again.”

  “You think I like saying that? Fuck, you think I like picturing that?” He looks like he might actually be sick and then shrugs. “I mean, you and her.”

  “Stop picturing it. She’s like your sister.”

  He takes another drink. “Yeah, no shit. I thought she was the same thing to you.” He shakes his head, and his nose wrinkles with disgust and with a hint of amusement. “You’ve done dirty, dirty things to your sister, man.”

  I fight the urge to hit him. “Stop.”

  “What the hell were you thinking?”

  I groan, swallow the rest of the whiskey and hold onto the glass as it rests on the bar. “I wasn’t thinking. For once, I wasn’t fucking thinking.”

  It was the biggest mistake of my life.

  “It could have ruined everything.”

  He nods his head knowingly. “How didn’t it?”

  “We are the King and Queen of denial. We just never talked about it.”

  “Jesus Christ. It’s been like what, three years. And you two haven’t ever talked about it?”

  I couldn’t even look at her for days afterword, and we avoided each other. But then, we finally
drifted back into friendship, never ever mentioning it again. “Nope. And I don’t intend to.”

  He’s stunned. For the first time since I’ve known him, Reed has nothing to say.

  This night just took a turn for the worse.

  I finally got my coworkers to leave about an hour ago. And thank fuck, because they were driving me up the wall. I mean, they’re fine but annoying as hell, constantly prodding me for details of Garrett.

  Forcing my brain to remember a night I don’t want to recall.

  I put on my blue bikini and clean up the mess from the night, slightly buzzed but not drunk before climbing into the hot tub attached the pool, my arms spread wide as I look up at the night sky.

  The door slides open, and I don’t look over at Garrett, although I’m praying he’s alone. I can’t take one of his conquests tonight.

  His bright white tennis shoes stop at the edge of the hot tub. “Hey, where are your friends?”

  I look up at him. Preferring his jeans and t-shirt to the suit. “Finally fucking left.”

  He grins and reaches behind his back, lifting his shirt off in one terrifyingly sexy motion as he simultaneously kicks off his shoes and socks.

  Oh. Shit.

  He unbuttons his jeans, and I snap. “What the fuck are you doing?”

  He looks at me like I’ve grown two heads and unzips his jeans, showing a hint of navy blue underwear. “Climbing in the hot tub. What has you so fucking jumpy?”

  I can’t think about that, so I just lean my head back and look up at the sky again as I feel his body join mine.

  “Why aren’t you out getting laid?”

  “Reed was way too fucking talkative tonight, threw off my game.”

  I lift my head to look at him. “Reed went with you?”

  He nods, sinking down so the water rises to the middle of his torso. “Yeah, and he wouldn’t stop fucking talking.”

  “About what?”

  He looks guilty. This can’t be good. The right side of his mouth pulls up in a suspicious grin. “I kind of fucked up.”

  “What the hell does that mean?” My heart is racing, and my nerves are on edge.

  He licks his lips and swallows, and I know this isn’t good at all. “I told him about that night.”

  My mouth opens and then closes again as I stare at him in absolute stunned, pissed-off shock. Instantly knowing what night he’s referring to. The same one I’ve been avoiding all night. “Why on earth would you do that? How would that even come up?”

  “Calm down, Ash. It’s just Reed.”

  “Reed and Erin are the two people I absolutely would never want to know about that fucking horrible night!”

  He visibly flinches. “Damn, I didn’t think it was that fucking bad.”

  I’m nearly shaking, thinking about it. “You know exactly what I mean.” I climb out of the tub and jump into the pool, hoping to escape. Fighting the memories.

  When I pop up out of the water, I hear splashing and try to swim away, knowing he’s following me. My plan fails as he swims at the same speed, and I’m left with my back up against the cement wall, his body too close to mine as his arms rest against the edge. “Ashlyn, we never talked about it. Maybe we should.”

  Has he lost his mind? I tread the water, reaching my arms back over my head to hold myself up. “No. We shouldn’t. I thought we were taking this to our fucking grave, Garrett.”

  “Who the hell ever said that?”

  “Our silence did! Since when are you all about talking shit out?”

  We aren’t in the deep end, and he can easily stand where we are, giving him the advantage because if I touch the bottom, my nose will be under water. “Look, I know it was a fucked-up mistake, but we’re too good of friends to never talk about it.”

  “Are you drunk? Is that what this is?” I inspect his pupils. He doesn’t seem intoxicated. “What do you want to talk about?”

  “Are you okay about it?”

  I take a deep breath. “Okay? It’s been three years. I’m not dead.” I gasp at my stupid choice of words.

  “I know you’re not. But sex . . .”

  I don’t give him a chance to finish. “That’s all it was. Sex. And it shouldn’t have happened.”

  “I agree.” His words slice through me like a knife, because I already knew that. His absence the next day showed me that.

  “So, then fucking drop it.”

  His eyes zone in on mine, and again, I’m fighting for breath. I’m fighting to form thoughts and to make sense of my messed-up life. And for a brief moment, I think he might actually kiss me.

  Is that what I want to happen? Or is that really what was about to happen?

  I’m not sure, and thankfully, he doesn’t say anything and pushes off the edge and sinks under the water.

  I don’t know what’s happening between us lately, but I’m not sure we can survive it, because whether we talked about it or not, that night nearly killed our friendship.

  Whether he knew it or not.

  3 years ago

  Fuck this day.

  I look up at the ceiling of my bedroom. After work, we met Reed and Erin and did the usual catch up thing, but every second of it just felt wrong. And when I came back home, all I could do was change into my favorite charcoal gray tank featuring a rainbow and the words “good vibes” on it and then flop down on my bed.

  Nothing feels right. And definitely not good.

  Paige died five years ago.

  Five whole years have gone by without Paige.

  And now, Garrett and I are clinging to life. We just moved into this house together, and every part of me feels numb.

  I’m grateful for him, but I know in the back of my mind, this should be their house.

  “Get up.” I lift my head and look at Garrett, who I didn’t hear come in. He’s wearing a no-nonsense look, but I don’t care. I don’t fucking move and go back to staring up at the ceiling. “Ashlyn. Get up. Come on.”

  “Ugh, Garrett. Go away.”

  I feel his hands grip my wrists and pull me up to my knees. My head rests against his chest, now not in a stupid button-down and tie, instead in a simple, navy blue tee. His chin rests against my head. “I know. I know every single part of you wants to go numb, but come with me.”

  I nod in silent agreement, missing Paige with every breath. I know he does too. He moves away from me, and I stand from the bed, his hand taking mine and leading me out of the room and toward the kitchen.

  Boxes are spread everywhere. The walls are a dingy color that really needs to be painted. The carpet is old and needs to be replaced. It’s not great, but it was the only house in our budget.

  And we’ll fix it up.

  “Okay, close your eyes.”

  “What?” I stare at Garrett like he has totally lost it because this is so unlike him. “I’m not closing my eyes.”

  “Quit being a royal pain in my ridiculously hot, firm ass for one fucking second and close your goddamn eyes.”

  Okay, that sounds like Garrett. “Fine.” I huff and squeeze my eyes shut.

  I hear the sliding glass door open, not smoothly mind you, because that also needs to be fixed. With a couple of tugs, the door opens, and I feel both of his hands grab mine and lead me outside into the warm summer air.

  “Okay. Open ‘em.”

  I take a deep breath, totally uncertain about what the hell he is up to and then open my eyes and look at my surroundings.

  Holy. Shit.

  I think I stopped breathing for a second. Every bit of my air is stolen from my lungs as I look at the sight before me.

  The patio, previously cracked and broken scraps of cement, has now been transformed with several flat, smoothed rocks of different shades. The pool is still dirty and empty, but there’s a brand-new patio table and chairs set along with a grill to my left. And then, to my right . . . a rustic fire pit with a wooden bench and two matching chairs around it. Tealights are draped around the yard, giving it the perfect atmosphere. />
  “Okay, so I only had enough in the budget for a new table, but I found the bench and chairs on Craigslist for a damn good price and refinished them. Erin sewed some cushions, and it came out pretty good.”

  My hands lift and cup my mouth. This is my dream backyard. He was actually listening to me drone on about all the things I wanted in the backyard, which was the only thing I gave a damn about when we purchased a house.

  I love fresh air, and growing up out in the country and after living in small apartments, I was dying for an oasis where I could soak up the sun and look up at the stars.

  “Ash? If it’s not right, we can change it. Just gotta wait a couple of months and save up.” I drop my hands and face him, his handsome face showing concern. “The pool is almost finished. I know it looks dirty, but we’re working on it.”

  I don’t know what comes over me, but I’m flooded with every emotion known to man, and my arms wrap around his neck. I meant to pull him into a tight hug, but our faces line up and are far too close as our bodies freeze. Our eyes meet, and my lips are drawn to his.

  I can’t and don’t fight it. My lips touch his. I almost jump back at the jolt but push forward.

  My hands grasp his shoulders as he groans, and it sounds so damn painful, but his hands clutch my hips, and he kisses me back with a furious need that steals my breath.

  This is wrong.

  So wrong, but why doesn’t it feel that way?

  His hands slide under my tank, smoothing against the hot flesh of my sides as we kiss, our tongues exploring each other’s mouths, starving for one another.

  My hands find his firm abs under his t-shirt, grazing every ridge. My panties are soaked with desire I’ve never felt before.

  “Ash.” He gasps into my mouth as his hands move upward. His fingers twine in my hair, finally stopping to hold my face in his large hands, and he looks at me.

  “Don’t think.” My voice is a desperate whisper. He accepts my plea, and his lips fuse with mine once again, his hands moving back and gripping my hair tightly between his fingers, tugging my head backward slightly as he devours my mouth.

  I’ve never been kissed like this.

  I refuse to stop. I want this.