Standstill

by Nicole Dykes

  I shouldn’t, but I do, and I don’t care about the inevitable consequences.

  I just want him.

  I lift his shirt over his head, taking a moment to bask in his muscular body that I’ve seen but never allowed myself to take in. “Christ.”

  He doesn’t make a joke like he normally would.

  He pauses for a moment, and then his hands slowly lift my shirt up and off, leaving me only in my black bra.

  I think he’ll remove it, but he doesn’t. His eyes close, and he kisses me again, our bodies moving toward the bench by the firepit.

  I unbutton his jeans and tug them down, revealing a mouthwateringly impressive tent in his boxer briefs. “Do you have a condom?”

  He nods and grabs it out of his wallet, taking a seat on the bench. I’m on the pill, but even in the heat of the moment, I know how wrong this is. I can’t complicate it any more than it already is.

  He pulls me to him by gripping my ass with his hands, and I can see he’s in his head. I should stop this.

  He wants her.

  His fingers pop the top button on my shorts before slowly sliding the zipper down. Fuck. I lean my head back as I feel his breath on my bare stomach, my whole body trembling with anticipation.

  He slides the denim down my legs, and I mechanically step out of them, lost in lust before straddling his lap. “We can stop.”

  His lips brush against mine, his voice is raspy as he shakes his head, causing our lips to touch with each movement. “Can we?” His hands grip the back of my head, his lips crash against mine, and I’m gone.

  Floating on a high I’ve never experienced.

  We should have stopped.

  My cellphone buzzing wakes me up, and I groan as I stretch my arms above my head, not wanting to wake up, but also not wanting to go back to sleep and dream more about that night with Garrett.

  Pain surges through my body, and I wish it was physical and not all in my head. I wish I could take an Advil to cure the anguish from that night, but no dose of medicine can solve this.

  I grab my phone and look at the screen.

  Erin. Shit.

  I don’t answer it.

  But then a simple text pops up from her.

  I’m at your door. I know you’re home.

  Fuck.

  I climb out of the bed and walk hesitantly to the door. Garrett’s bedroom door is closed, so I assume he’s still asleep. I open the door and see my beautiful friend, dressed and ready for the day, holding two cups of coffee and what looks like some sort of croissant.

  “Mornin’, sunshine.”

  I grunt an inaudible response, and she gestures toward the patio. I close the door and nod obediently before following her outside. It’s a beautiful, warm, summer morning, but I’m cursing the sun because it’s just too bright.

  She hands me a coffee as we sit at the patio table, and she jumps right in. “How the hell did you go three years without telling me?”

  “Erin—” I start, but she cuts me off.

  “No, don’t Erin me. You know how huge this is? You and Garrett slept together.”

  I’m well aware. I feel sick. “Yes. We did.” Her eyes search mine, and I see the hurt in hers from the secret I kept. “It really wasn’t a big deal.”

  “Don’t you dare tell me this isn’t a big deal. This is a huge fucking deal. You and Garrett slept together. That’s fucking huge. How did that happen?”

  I take a drink of the coffee, trying to go to a different place, but I know she isn’t going to drop it. “I was in a really shitty place. We’d just moved in.” I swallow, my throat tightening and feeling dry even though I just took a drink. “I moved in with my best friend’s boyfriend.”

  “But you’d lived with him for what, almost five years before that?”

  I nod. “But I actually bought the house with him. I couldn’t shake the feeling that it should have been them buying a house together. Fixing it up.” I stand up, leaving the coffee on the table and turn back to her letting all my insecurities out. “I felt so out of place. Like I was just there to fill her role and doing it poorly.”

  Erin doesn’t look at me with pity, but there’s concern written all over her face. “Damn, girl. That’s awful.”

  “It was, but then . . .” I sit back down, bending slightly at my stomach and leaning forward. “He brought me out here and showed me the patio. I mean, he went out of his way to make sure it felt like my home.”

  “He was really excited to get this patio fixed the way you wanted it.” She smiles fondly.

  “I lost control. I knew it was wrong, but I just wanted it so badly that I let myself have it. And it was a huge mistake.”

  “Why? Why was it such a huge mistake? It sounds like a magical night.”

  I shake my head, folding my arms over my stomach. “It was amazing, until it wasn’t. Erin, he wouldn’t look at me. It was like he couldn’t. And I know he was wishing I was her, thinking about her while he was fucking me, wishing he was making love to her.”

  Her eyes widen, and she grabs one of my hands, prying it from the comfort of my stomach and holds it tightly. “No.” Her voice is firm and meant to reassure me, but I see she’s struggling not to believe the same thing.

  “Yes. I’m telling you. And I went along with it, knowing damn well he will always love her. And then I woke up the next morning out here, all alone.”

  “Christ,” she hisses.

  Tears fill my eyes, thinking about that morning. He was just gone, and I honestly wasn’t sure if he was ever coming back. “The next few days were torture. We tiptoed around each other, and then I was the one that couldn’t look at him. I was so ashamed, Erin.”

  “Why?”

  “I wanted it so bad, and I knew all he wanted was Paige.”

  She gnaws on her bottom lip, careful about her next statement. “You love him.”

  Her words are quiet and hesitant, and for the first and only time, I’m honest. “Yes. But he is now, and always will be, taken.”

  She squeezes my hand. “I loved Paige, too. She was an amazing person.” I watch her eyes become glossy with tears as she struggles to talk about our friend. “But she’s gone. And she’s been gone for a long time. Paige is not going to miraculously come back into our lives. And she was one of the kindest people I’ve ever known. There is no way she would want you guys to be this miserable.”

  I wipe my tears. “I can’t be with him, knowing I’m a consolation prize. And Garrett does not want anything serious. He’s made that very, very clear. If he can’t have her, he doesn’t want anyone else. It’s not going to happen.”

  She nods her head in sad agreement, not debating the fact we’ve all known since Paige died. “So you’re just fucked then? Stuck in this hellish limbo in a codependent relationship because you help each other hide from reality.” There’s that bluntness I love and hate about her. But I know she’s right. This isn’t healthy. She finishes a little softer, “Because that’s not fair. To either of you.”

  “No, I’m not. I know a change needs to happen. Something that has become painfully clear the last month or so. I went out on a date, and I think I’m going to continue to do that. Garrett isn’t right for me. We’re better off as friends.”

  “I think that’s a really good idea.” She takes a drink from her cardboard coffee cup and then snaps her fingers. “Actually, I think I have the perfect guy.”

  I squirm in my seat at the idea of a blind date. “I can find my own dates.”

  “Trust me. This guy would be great. I just didn’t really think you were interested in dating seriously.”

  I shrug. “Gotta start somewhere, I guess.”

  “Great! I’ll set it up.” She smiles, and it’s a big, bright smile, full of happiness and possibilities. “Also . . . you’re going to be an auntie, so I need you to get your shit together.”

  My face lights up, and I look at her still flat tummy. They’re going to have a baby. “Oh my God! That is great news!”

 
I lean over and give her great big hug, so unbelievably happy for my friends.

  It really is time to finally start moving forward.

  I walk out to the backyard, looking for Ashlyn because I can’t avoid her anymore. I owe her more than that. It’s something I should have done a long time ago. And whether she wants to discuss it or not, it’s happening.

  Confrontation is a bitch for two people who’ve spent most of their adult lives avoiding. But I can’t leave it the way it is.

  Sure enough, Ash is outside swimming laps in the pool. The sun is shining brightly and reflects off the water as her long arms make strokes through the liquid.

  “Ash!” I holler, but she can’t hear me.

  I’m hyper-aware of our proximity to the area where my body was pressed against hers last night. I wanted so badly to kiss her, to ravage her fucking mouth and make her mine. But I know that’s not fair.

  I live with that reality every fucking day.

  I pick up one of her sandals, sitting by the edge of the pool and follow her body in the water, aiming for her perfect ass. I make a direct hit, and she stops swimming, flailing for a second before popping up out of the water, standing in the shallow end.

  I try like hell to ignore her wet breasts and how fucking incredible they look in her black bikini. “Garrett! What the hell?”

  “I need to talk to you.”

  She huffs, raising her arms to tighten her ponytail and climbs out of the pool, grabbing a towel and drying off as she shakes water out of her ears. “Talk about what?”

  I take a seat in one of the lounge chairs. “Look, it was a dick move telling Reed, but I didn’t plan for it to happen.” Her mouth opens to say something, but I stop her. “But I’m glad it’s out.”

  “Garrett.” She takes a seat and drapes the towel over her lap. “I don’t like thinking about that night.”

  I stare at the tattoo on her side directly under her bathing suit top, Paige’s favorite flower with the date she died. “I know. I don’t either.” My eyes meet hers. “But was it really that bad?”

  A tight laugh leaves her mouth mixed with the sound of a strangled cry. “No. The sex wasn’t, but the next morning nearly killed me.”

  Honesty. That’s something we haven’t tried.

  “I couldn’t catch my breath afterword, Ash. I was so fucking scared that I’d messed up the only thing I had left, and I fucking panicked.”

  “And bailed.”

  I give a curt nod. “I ran. I shouldn’t have. It was a shitty thing to do, but I didn’t know what else I could do. Part of me thought if we didn’t talk about it, the whole thing would just go away.”

  Her eyes fill with tears. “Biggest mistake of your life.”

  “Please don’t cry.” I can’t stand to see her upset, especially if I’ve caused it. “I can’t lose you, too. I just can’t, but I should have told you that instead of being a pussy and running.” My eyes lock on hers. “I’m sorry.”

  And I truly am. I hate the way I handled it, and maybe that’s why I told Reed. It forced me to actually face Ashlyn.

  She wipes a tear from her beautiful face. “You sure have been apologizing a lot lately.”

  “Yeah, no shit. Maybe you’ve inspired me to change a little, too.”

  She sighs, her head hanging down with regret. “You wanted to stop, I could see it. I should have, Garrett. I should have been the bigger person and stopped it.”

  I shake my head, staring at her in shock. “I didn’t want it to stop. I wanted it so fucking badly I felt it in every part of my body. I just felt so fucking guilty for giving in.”

  Her pink lips pout as her head tilts up, and she looks at me in her own shock. “You weren’t thinking about her?”

  I swallow, horrified. “Paige?”

  She nods, and her answer is a weak, shaky breath. “Yes.”

  “No.” I lean across the area between the chairs and cup her face in mine. “When we were together, you were all I saw. You were all I felt. And then, when it was over, I was bombarded with soul crushing remorse. Paige was nowhere near my mind when I was inside of you, Ashlyn.”

  She still looks unsure, her eyes wet with tears. “I thought . . .”

  She thought I was thinking about Paige. Fuck. Me. “No.” It’s all I can say, the guilt still eating me alive.

  A small smile passes over her face as she moves to sit next to me in my lounge chair, my arm drapes easily over hers. “We’re friends, and no matter what, you’ll never lose me.”

  Her head rests against my chest, and as much as I want to believe her, I can feel things shifting.

  She’s moving forward, and I’m standing still.

  “Not bad.” I stare into the full-length mirror on the back of the bathroom door. I have on a pair of cutoff jean shorts and a sleeveless black t-shirt. The sides of the tee hang low, but with my black lacy bra on, it doesn’t seem inappropriate. The saying is one of my favorites, a simple “Trouble Maker” in gothic white lettering.

  My hair is in a long braid hanging over my left shoulder, and I complete the look by slipping my favorite black sunglasses on top of my head.

  I feel like me.

  Which is good because I’m going out on a first date this evening with the guy Erin set me up with. If I’m going on any more dates, I’m going as Ashlyn and not some posh version of myself.

  I slide into a pair of black sandals and walk to the kitchen where Garrett stands at the stove, shirtless and cooking something that makes my stomach growl. His hair is wet, and he’s wearing trunks, so my guess is he was in the pool.

  “Garrett? Are you actually cooking?”

  He turns to me, spatula in hand and a genuine smile on his face. “Just tacos. Seems easy enough. Want some?”

  Things have been better since our talk last week. It was liberating, putting it all out on the table. I’m still in shock that he wasn’t thinking about Paige when we were together, although I’m not sure how I feel about that.

  I still see his deep-seated guilt swimming deep below the surface. And believe me, I still feel it too.

  But I think our friendship has become stronger.

  “It smells delicious, but um . . .” I’m more nervous than I should be to tell him where I’m going. “I actually have a date tonight.”

  He scans my attire, making me self-conscious as I fidget with the hem of my shirt.

  “No good?”

  He smirks, shaking his head and turning his attention back to the stove. “You always look good, Ash.” He looks at me over his shoulder. “You’ll have him drooling.”

  I bite my bottom lip, feeling oddly validated. “Thanks.”

  “It’s not Mr. Rebound though, right?”

  I smile to myself, taking a seat at the barstool. “No way. It’s um . . .” Why am I so nervous? I think I’m more nervous talking about the date with Garrett than I am about the actual date itself. “It’s this guy Erin set me up with.”

  He turns the burner off and removes the skillet from the heat, turning around to face me. “Uh oh, you already know she has shitty taste.”

  He grins, and I laugh at that. He’s in a really good mood. Which is frankly a nice change.

  “Stop.”

  He laughs again, grabbing a spoon from the drawer and sampling the taco meat, looking pleased with himself. “You know anything about this guy?”

  I can’t resist and grab my own spoon, scooping some up and sampling. “Damn Garrett.” I cover my mouth as I chew. “That’s really fucking good.”

  He takes another bite. “Yeah, I’m actually pretty damn surprised. So this guy? How does Erin know him?”

  I take another bite. “He’s a barista at her favorite coffee place.”

  His eyebrows raise, a playfully beautiful smile on his lips. Yeah, I knew he would have something to say about that. “A barista?”

  “He’s also a film student.”

  That gets a little more respect from him, and honestly, it’s something that has me slightly excit
ed.

  “So, are you robbing the cradle or what?”

  I take one last bite and clean the spoon with my tongue before leaving it in the sink. “No, he got a late start. He’s actually a couple of years older than me.” Before he can say anything remotely Garrett-like, I add. “He spent some time in the army.”

  Garrett slicks back his wet hair. “Well fuck, I can’t make fun of a vet.”

  I laugh at that. “Yeah, I know.”

  He grins and leans back against the counter, his arm muscles flexed as they rest against his flat, lower stomach.

  “So where is the barista/film student/soldier taking you?”

  “Archer.” He cocks an eyebrow again but doesn’t say anything. “The county fair.”

  “For a first date?”

  I roll my eyes and pull lip-gloss from my pocket, applying it to my lips. “It’s perfect for a first date.”

  “If you say so.”

  “Oh please. When was the last time you had a date?” I freeze and put the lip-gloss away. “Sorry. Don’t answer that.”

  He groans, pushing off the counter and walking a little closer to me. “I’m tired of pretending like Paige never existed. Aren’t you?”

  “Yes,” I answer honestly.

  “The last actual date I went on was with her, right before graduation.” He smiles fondly, “She drug me to some chick flick, and we both ate our weight in popcorn.”

  I smile. “She loved movie popcorn. And dragging your ass to chick flicks.”

  He grins at that and nods. And although the smile on his face as he thinks about her brings me joy, it also slices straight through me. I stand up and grab a bottle of water from the fridge, taking a drink.

  That is exactly why I need this date.

  “Yeah, see if you would have said yes to me, you could have saved me from all that girly shit.”

  I nearly choke on my water. I can’t believe he just said that. “Oh my god, are we really going that far down memory lane?”

  He chuckles and grabs a few tortillas and other fixings from the fridge. “Hey, I’m the one who got crushed. You shouldn’t mind.”

  I swallow another drink of cold water. “Crushed? Hardly. You bounced right back up.”