Accidental Makeovers

by Carol Maloney Scott

  “I wouldn’t worry about that.”

  Eric and I are sitting at the bar at The Patterson House. This place is swanky. Chandeliers everywhere. White leather bar stools.

  They must be made by the same people who made the chairs in the salon. What’s up with rich people and light colored furniture? Does their money repel dirt?

  I smirk and kiss Eric, leaving deep plum lipstick on his mouth. Not wanting to get it all over the white linen napkin, I rub his lips with my finger.

  “Okay, let’s not do that here. Tell you what, I’ll hit the men’s room and rub off my lipstick and you order us some more wine.”

  I smile and watch him walk away. That man really does look amazing in a suit. And he agreed to go to Earth Day tomorrow, even though his ‘domestic duty’ comment makes me think he’s not excited about it.

  Now if Max stays away, I will be thrilled.

  I bet he will—my luck is changing. And now I’m getting a new house for me, Mick and Bun-Bun.

  Claire was right. It is a lot of change at once, and now I’m adjusting.

  I would normally feel out of place in a bar like this, but I went out and got another, more elegant dress. This one is plum, and it has a high keyhole neckline encrusted with flower shaped rhinestones.

  It’s not one of those cleavage revealing keyholes. I save those for band gigs. Except I haven’t been to one of those in a while.

  It’s too bad Max and I can’t be more civil with each other. Chain has a show in Philadelphia next weekend, and I would love to go.

  Brandon pulled in some connections to get them this gig opening for some big acts.

  I don’t think Eric would want to go, though. When I asked him what kind of music he likes, he said he doesn’t really listen to music.

  I didn’t know how to respond to that.

  The bartender places two more glasses of headache producing, overpriced liquid in front of me. It sort of matches my dress.

  “Good evening, Miss. Hey, you don’t drink wine.”

  I blink hard several times, but Max is still standing in front of me. In a suit. A very nice fitting suit. Rob is behind him. I don’t think I have ever seen Rob in a suit. Maybe at Claire and Brandon’s wedding?

  “Hey, what are you guys doing here?”

  I glance towards the restrooms. I don’t know how much longer Eric is going to tolerate Max’s coincidental appearances.

  “We had a late client meeting, and thought we’d give this place a try. Right, Rob?”

  “Yep. I guess it would be too low class to order a beer?” Rob looks around the room, and at all of the gleaming glasses behind the bar.

  All that crystal is probably worth more than the house I’m buying. I take a big gulp of wine after I remember that I’m buying a house.

  And Max is here. On my date with Eric.

  Looking way hotter in a suit.

  I wonder if the bartender would be offended if I asked for the whole bottle with a nipple on it.

  Max

  “You look beautiful, Birdie. Hey, Rob get me a scotch, will ya?”

  I am not drinking wine. My spy mission has its limits.

  Bianca watches Rob grab the bartender’s attention, and says, “Where’s Mick?”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot to tell you. I dropped him off with Diamond so Rob and I could go to our meeting.”

  She raises her eyebrow. It’s fine when she leaves Mick with another babysitter.

  “We’re on our way back to the house soon. Just wanted to check this place out. Oh, and I also have something I wanted to show you.”

  I am assuming the douchebag must be in the bathroom, or outside taking an important business call. Now’s my chance…

  “Well, hello again, Max.”

  Eric extends his wimpy hand and I have to shake it. I don’t completely crush it, but I give him enough of a squeeze that he’ll have to massage his fingers to restore all of the feeling, and he’ll skip shaking Rob’s hand.

  Even in a suit, my brother looks menacing. If people only knew just an hour ago I caught him playing paddy cake and having make-believe tea with Ruby.

  “Hey, Eric. I was getting ready to show Bianca the house I was thinking of buying.”

  Bianca’s face changes. She puts her wine down and starts wringing her hands.

  Eric smirks and says, “A house, huh? That’s great. Where is it? Is it a fixer upper?”

  Oh, I would love to knock this guy’s teeth out.

  “No, it’s actually brand new. It’s in a little development—”

  “Excuse me, guys. I have to…”

  Son a bitch. Now she ran off.

  Bianca

  I sit down on the pale pink leather loveseat in the ladies’ room, and put my head between my legs. Now he’s buying a house? Seriously?

  And if he’s trying to impress me, why doesn’t he do it in a straight forward way?

  Obviously one of my friends told him I would be here. The Buczkowski brothers don’t ever ‘stop by’ a place like this. Rob looks so out of place and pissed off.

  Although they both look unbelievable in suits.

  Eric is fit and tall, and fills out a suit nicely. But seeing Max dressed like this is too much. Maybe if I stay in here long enough, they’ll get bored and leave.

  Max and Rob. Not Eric.

  I wash my hands for something to do, and reapply my lipstick.

  I don’t understand why Eric wanted me to wear my septum ring. I feel like he sends me mixed signals sometimes. If he were really so casual and open-minded, he wouldn’t bring me to places like this every time we go out, and I can’t imagine he enjoys watching people stare at me. But when I try to be more conservative and fit in, he encourages me to be myself.

  I’m probably over-analyzing.

  I gaze at the ring for a moment and remove it.

  I’ve never felt self-conscious about any of my choices. Until now.

  Max

  I feel like an asshole standing there with my house brochure while Eric sips his wine, so I excuse myself, too.

  “So what’s your plan now? Can’t you just call her or go see her one day? Tell her what you’re doing like a normal guy? Why do we need to dress up like this and parade ourselves around?” Rob is on his second whiskey. Or is it his third?

  “Rob, you don’t get it. I have to show her that I’m changing, and it can’t be too obvious.”

  He slams his shot glass on the table. “That makes zero sense. I wouldn’t change for any woman. Change my behavior? Maybe. I never thought I’d be taking a little kid to feed ducks, or even sleeping with the same woman for several months straight. But I wouldn’t change, or pretend to change, who I am.”

  He walks off to the bar after making his big speech. How many shots is he going to down? I guess I’m driving.

  Bianca is back from the bathroom. She looks upset. Now he’s touching her leg. Her face. Now he’s kissing her. Fuck. Rob is right. I shouldn’t be here. This was a bad idea. I have more pride than…

  “Well, if it isn’t one of the Boozekowski brothers.”

  I turn around to see an old guy slurring his speech, and sloshing his wine in a fancy glass.

  “Hello, Mr. Finnegan. How’s your AC working?”

  “It’s fantastic. This is my son, Sam.”

  I shake hands with the middle-aged son, who looks like an older, douchier version of Eric.

  “I hear you guys do great work. But your name. Is that Polish?”

  Sam is on the verge of laughter, and also on the verge of a black eye. What the hell is so funny about a Polish name?

  Rob is next to me now, handing me another shot. “Yes, it is Polish.”

  Now drunk Sam and his drunk father are both laughing. “It’s so funny how you’re drinking at a bar and your name sounds like booze. Boozekowski.”

  I hope they both piss in their pants right here in front of all…

  “That’s a good one.” Rob replies coolly, but doesn’t seem fazed. I, however, am sic
k of being treated like this.

  Bianca really wants to hang out in this crowd? To raise our son around people like this?

  I slam back the shot and smash the glass down onto the table, imitating Rob. Of course, for me it breaks, and now my hand is cut. Fuck.

  “Fuck! You stupid motherfucker. How dare you insult my family?”

  I wish I could say I’m drunk, but I’m just pissed with rage. Rob grabs my arm right before it connects with Sam’s eye socket. It’s a good thing because I might have driven his eyeball…

  I stand back and adjust my suit jacket.

  “Oh my God, is Sam bleeding?” A woman comes running over screeching and I grab a couple of white cloth napkins from the table to wrap up my hand.

  Rob taps me on the back and addresses the crowd. “Off to the hospital. Good night, everyone. Show’s over.”

  As we begin to walk towards the door, I glance back. I can’t help it. Not at those assholes.

  I’m too far away to read her face, but her shoulders are a little hunched and she wipes her eye.

  CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

  Bianca

  “Sweetie, Bun-Bun has to go in the cage now. Grandma has to work today while we’re at the festival.”

  “Nooo, wuv Bun-Bun!!”

  My son is choosing this moment to throw a temper tantrum. I’m sure Eric thinks he inherited his rage from his psycho father.

  “I would help, but I have no idea what to do.” Eric addresses my mother, who just looks at him blankly and intervenes.

  “Okay, let’s give Bun-Bun kisses and put her in her cage now.”

  She helps Mick part with his furry love while Phoebe circles us, barking and panting. I’m never sure if she wants to play with the bunny or enjoy a new culinary delight.

  Now Phoebe is jumping on Eric’s leg, as if to ask someone else to help her. Bun-Bun and Phoebe are definitely not hanging out in the same room while we’re all gone.

  “Okay, that’s that.” My mother sighs and wipes her hands, signifying another baby/animal job accomplished.

  Mick’s lower lip is still trembling, and he also decides that Eric would be a good person to appeal to in his time of misery.

  I can’t help but laugh as Eric tries to shake off the tiny white dog on one leg, and now my wailing toddler on the other.

  “Okay, let’s get going to the Earth Day Festival now. I hear they have ice cream. And candy.”

  Eric doesn’t realize that bribery rarely works on my son, but watching him try to dance out of the grip of my little ones is hilarious.

  “Can I get a little help here?”

  His expression has darkened just a tad, and my mother jumps in to save him. I probably should have acted sooner, but a part of me wants to see if he can handle the amount of crazy my life will dish out.

  “Sorry about that.” I pat his arm and stifle a giggle.

  He is still shaking a bit, as if he’s not sure if he now has fleas, or baby boogers, hanging off his legs.

  “No worries. I’m sure he’ll be happier once we get to the festival.”

  “And he cries for all of the sugar you promised him.”

  “Oh, was that wrong? I though kids like candy.”

  He looks down at Mick, getting wrestled into his shoes by my harried mother. She keeps saying how much she is going to miss us when we move into the new house, but I think she’ll see the bright side soon enough.

  “They do like it, but if they have too much…well, let’s just say it gets ugly.”

  Eric

  Ugly like the way his father behaved last night?

  As if reading my mind, Bianca jokingly says, “You know, like his father last night? That was alcohol, not sugar, but toddlers have been known to get drunk on sweets. Right, Mom?”

  She laughs and kisses Mick goodbye, wishing us a fun day. Sharon is a nice mother. Much better than mine ever was.

  I let Bianca take care of getting Mick into the car, and slip into the passenger seat. We decided to take her car to the Earth Day Festival because she said she didn’t want to try to put the car seat in my car.

  It’s just as well. I don’t want juice spilled on my leather upholstery or muddy little footprints…

  “Okay, we’re all set.”

  Bianca jumps in the driver’s seat and we’re off. The child seems to be subdued by a bunch of toys and a cup of juice. I knew there would be juice.

  I feel a bit odd not driving, but I busy myself trying to find a…holy crap, the music that just blared out of the speaker!

  “What is that?” I quickly lower the volume. The kid is going to be stone deaf.

  “Oh, I forgot to turn that down. I don’t listen to it that loud when Mick’s in the car. Is that what you were thinking? I better be careful today. You might make a mental note of all my maternal shortcomings.”

  She smiles, but fidgets with the rearview mirror.

  I pat her leg, and my eyes dart to the backseat. Mick doesn’t seem to notice if I touch his mother’s leg, so I don’t think it’s inappropriate. He’s not old enough to…

  I sigh and say, “No, you’re a wonderful mother. I don’t know how you do it.”

  “It’s not easy, but my mom was a good teacher.”

  She turns onto the highway and shuts off the music. Thank God. That yelling was unbearable.

  “I want to apologize for Max’s behavior at the bar. I didn’t want to bring it up last night, and kill our mood.”

  “Yes, and our mood and subsequent activities were memorable.” I squeeze her leg again, and look back at her son, who’s staring at me. Maybe he is watching me… “But please don’t apologize. You have no control over his behavior.”

  This is why I want to move her away from this town. Now she’s buying a house. I wish she would consider renting. I’m going to bring that up when the time is right.

  Or maybe I could convince her to squash the whole deal and stay with her mother for the time being. In a few months I’ll be ready to head back to New York, and she could come with me. People raise babies in the city, and it’s not like his father is such a positive role model.

  But then I’d be living with a baby and a rabbit.

  “You’re right, but I wish he wasn’t such an idiot.”

  “He’s not an idiot. He runs a successful business, and he apparently plays the drums well, right? He’s just a little…hot-headed. And he’s clearly jealous.”

  She pauses in reflection and says, “I never thought of it that way. I mean the part about him not being an idiot.”

  Perhaps I was too generous in my defense, but I’ve learned that the best thing to do in these foolish, macho rivalry situations is to step back and be the bigger person.

  Unless he was trying to punch me. Luckily his deviant-looking brother is saner, and appears to be with him all the time. He might save my life one day, literally. I’m not a wimp, but I didn’t grow up solving problems with my fists.

  It would also be nice if her friends would stop telling him all of our plans, but they all seem to be quite loyal to Max.

  Today I’m going to work on winning over the women, at least.

  That shouldn’t be too difficult, given the quality of the men in their circle.

  Bianca

  “I don’t know, do you think that bounce house is safe for Mick and Aidan? Owen is big enough, but I worry about the little guys getting hurt?”

  I bite my lip and look to Claire for her opinion. We’re commiserating on whether or not our kids should play in one of the plant-shaped bounce structures.

  All of the Earth Day activities have nature themes. The toddler bounce house is rather small, and it’s shaped like some kind of a shrub. The bigger ones are tree-shaped, and they have a few flower-themed ones.

  Cassie chimes in and says, “I think it’s okay. Jon, you can keep an eye on the kids, right? I really need to sit down and nurse Sofia.”

  Cassie is finally out of the house. She looks great, wearing her newborn in a sling across her body. Jon i
s the only man with us today. Well, other than Eric.

  Thankfully, Chain has a gig tonight, and Brandon, Zoe, Axl and the idiot twins are practicing this afternoon.

  Diamond’s ex has Ruby, so she didn’t join us for family fun time, either.

  Finally a day where there is no one in our group causing any grief.

  Eric is, once again, taking pictures and ignoring everyone.

  So there’s some grief, at least for me.

  “Why don’t I spread out the blanket under this tree, and you ladies can sit with the babies?” Jon opens up his backpack, and unrolls their picnic blanket on the soft grass. He then helps his wife lower her post-childbirth body to the ground.

  “Thanks, Sweetie. Remember, someone has to help me up.” She begins to open up her blouse to feed the baby, and Eric drops his camera to his chest.

  “Hey, no nude pictures of my wife.” Jon slaps Eric, who looks as though he’s not sure if he should laugh or not.

  “Of course not. So what’s next on the agenda?” Eric smiles nervously.

  “Jon’s going to take the kids to the bounce house, so I should go with him.” I am the only one without an infant, and Jon probably needs some help.”

  “No, sit with the girls, Bianca. Eric can come with me. We can handle a few little guys, right?” Once again Jon taps Eric, who looks like he wants to run away.

  My first instinct is to intervene and shield Eric from any kid interaction, but then I recall some of my mother’s early lectures. She always said that I shouldn’t criticize Max’s parenting, or try to control every situation, or else he would do less and all the burden would fall on me.

  Since that’s what happened, I decide that even though it’s too late for Max, I have a shot with Eric. He advises the leaders of multi-million dollar companies. Surely, he can help Jon keep an eye on the kids in that tiny bounce house.

  Plus I think Jon is the only one in our circle who has anything remotely in common with Eric.

  Eric walks off with Jon, looking only mildly uncomfortable. Owen and Aidan are walking with Jon, but Mick grabs onto Eric’s leg. I resist the urge to pry him off. He’ll figure it out.