Accidental Makeovers

by Carol Maloney Scott

  Eric

  How in the hell do I pry this child off my leg?

  Jon turns around and takes pity on me. “Hey, Mick. Enough with the leg hanging, buddy. Don’t you want to get in and bounce?”

  Jon jumps up and down, imitating the activity. Doesn’t he feel stupid doing that?

  No matter how emasculating the performance, it works. The child releases his grip on my leg and plops on his butt. Jon begins helping all three kids take off their shoes. He really is a pro at this.

  Feeling a little out of my element, I decide to resume taking pictures. After all, the parents are so busy on these outings that they miss out on recording all of the beautiful scenery and the interesting exhibits.

  From here I can get a few good shots of the water conversation display. If I zoom I can even capture the sign with all the informative trivia. They’ll all love to read that later.

  Bianca

  “Eric seems good with Mick.” Cassie smiles encouragingly, but Claire looks away.

  I catch Claire’s eye and say, “What, you don’t think so?”

  I shouldn’t even go there because I know damn well he’s clueless with kids, but he can learn. Brandon and Jon weren’t perfect right out of the gate, either.

  Claire shifts a squirming baby Aurora, who’s almost able to hold her head up with no support.

  “I don’t know. I don’t want to be too hasty, but he seems a little…self-absorbed.” She winces and smiles weakly. “I’m not saying he can’t learn, but you know how older bachelors can be—”

  “He’s only thirty-five!”

  I glance at Cassie and she’s making a big show of covering up her boobs, as if that requires immense concentration.

  She opens her mouth just as we hear a man’s voice scream, “You little brat! Get over here! Where’s your mother, you little son of a—”

  Cassie’s face falls and turns red. “Jon. Stop it!” She gently hands Sofia to me, and jumps up to run to her husband and child.

  A huge ruckus is ensuing by the toddler bounce house. Is he screaming at Owen like that? I’ve never heard Jon…

  Claire and I leap up as well, cradling the baby girls.

  So much for Cassie needing help getting up. Mother duty calls and pain is ignored.

  Cassie reaches Jon, who is holding a strange kid by the shirt.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Cassie is wild-eyed.

  I now notice that Owen, Aidan and Mick are all sitting outside the bounce house, rolling around and crying. They all run to their mommies. Mick doesn’t appear to be hurt, but he’s shaken.

  “This…child was beating up on every kid in there. And he’s way too old to be in this bounce house. He’s at least four.”

  Jon releases the kid and continues looking for his mother. It’s always the bullies who are left unattended. I feel for kids like this, but you have to protect your own children. I totally get his anger.

  “You can’t touch someone else’s kid, Jon!” Cassie is shrieking. We have quite an audience, and now a festival worker comes over to investigate.

  “What’s happening here?”

  Jon explains that the boy in question was harassing and beating up the little ones. Apparently Aidan and Mick were quick victims, and then he knocked Owen off his feet when he tried to defend his younger friends.

  The older lady takes the boy by the hand, and tells us that she’s going to walk around and try to find his mother, and if she’s unsuccessful she’ll take him to the security booth.

  Luckily she missed the part where Jon almost had him in a choke hold.

  Okay, not exactly but it was a tense moment.

  Claire and I shake our heads and I say, “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have left Jon alone…hey, where’s Eric?”

  My eyes dart around the immediate area and I don’t see him. “Hey, Jon what happened to Eric?”

  “Did you see that scene?” Eric comes up behind me and startles me. “I walked over there to get a better look at the ecosystem demonstration, and all of a sudden I looked up and saw complete mayhem.”

  Claire backs away and joins Jon and Cassie.

  I inhale and exhale slowly. He doesn’t know what he did wrong. Don’t yell at him.

  “I thought you were helping Jon with the kids?”

  He furrows his brow and says, “He had it under control. The kids were all bouncing away, laughing and smiling. So I just—”

  “Ducked out to get away from the annoying children?”

  “No, of course not. The ecosystem is important stuff. I thought you’d all be glad when you could see it later and …I guess not. I’m sorry, I should have stuck around.”

  He leans in and whispers, “I certainly wouldn’t have gotten so…violent. I thought Jon was the one stable…I mean...it’s a good thing Max wasn’t here.”

  I clench my fists and grit my teeth. “Really? If Max had been here, Jon would have had support, and probably wouldn’t have felt so helpless in defending all of the children by himself.”

  And Max doesn’t take fucking pictures of boring shit all day and ignore his family!

  Eric

  Clearly that was the wrong thing to say.

  These people are all a horrible influence on Bianca. The whole lot of them are low class, crazy…

  I wipe my brow and collect myself. No sense in starting a fruitless argument, but I can’t sit by and...

  “Bianca, you’re overly emotional and…”

  I reach out to touch her arm and she pulls it away. Now she’s poking my chest, and great—her friends are all paying close attention to our altercation.

  So much for winning over the other women today. If anything, I’m digging a hole with the one who matters.

  “You have no idea what a parent feels when their child is threatened.” She closes her eyes and breathes in and out.

  I supposes she’s trying not to murder me, which is a plus.

  “I’m very sorry. I had no idea that I would be needed.”

  She lowers her eyes and softly says, “It’s my own fault. I shouldn’t have tried to push Mick on you so soon. We should take a step back. Spend more time alone together.”

  I would love that, but somehow I don’t think her suggesting it is a good thing.

  Maybe my trip to New York on Monday is a good thing for us. I’ll be gone for the whole week. Surely in that time period she’ll think about all of this, and realize that she over-dramatized the whole situation.

  Except, I did agree to have Sunday dinner at her house tomorrow. More family time. More chances to make her angry.

  I wonder if I’m uninvited now.

  Max

  “I could break that asshole’s neck and shove his balls—”

  “Jesus, Max. Calm down. If you have a heart attack, you won’t be able to enjoy Bianca when you get her back.”

  Diamond sounds awfully sure our plan is going to help.

  “Really, Bro, you’re a lunatic. Diamond’s got the critter. You just have to make sure it doesn’t get hurt.” Rob also seems sure of this devious plot.

  Diamond says, “You better. I promised Harvey from the pet shop that his merchandise will be returned unharmed. And besides, I could never be a part of any animal cruelty.”

  I respond, “Bianca would never hurt a fly, and I’ll be there to intervene. Plus her new man is like a scared little girl.” I’m sure of that.

  “Hey Babe, are you sure you didn’t have to promise that dude anything else? I mean, he is a Hooters regular, and you look…like you look.”

  Rob admires his woman, and she knows he’s only teasing her about the guy.

  I ignore their exchange, and say, “I’m just glad Bianca has friends who’ll spill the beans so easily. I get a full report every time that dickhead does something stupid.”

  Last night at the show I got the whole story from Brandon. Claire couldn’t wait to tell him all about what an asshole Eric was, and of course Brandon loves any time another guy fucks up. He likes Claire to s
ee she doesn’t have it quite so bad.

  And the best part is that the jackass is having dinner at the house today.

  He committed the worst sin for a mother—not protecting her child. I heard that I was even defended—even after my behavior at the bar.

  Birdie likes a guy with some spirit and some…authority. And she can give it back, too. She’s fiery, like her hair. That guy’s a boring jerk. No wonder he was so interested in the ‘ecosystem.’ Nerd.

  I take the cage from Diamond, once again promising no harm will come to the little guy, and head off to the house.

  Sharon tipped me off that Bianca and Eric are both out for a run before dinner, and Eric asked if he could shower in the guest bath when they’re done, so he doesn’t have to go back home before dinner. That means Bianca will be showering in her bathroom.

  I’ll be back to pick Mick up once they’re both all sudsy and wet. And that better be in separate bathrooms!

  After hearing what happened yesterday, and talking to Bianca, Sharon is even more on my side.

  Eric is helping my cause every day, but a little extra nudge can’t hurt. I know what matters to Bianca.

  She wants to be with me, she’s just too stubborn to admit it.

  CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

  Sharon

  “Oh, Phoebe, Mommy’s not sure about this.”

  I pace back and forth as a lookout, at my own house, while my well-meaning but slightly unorthodox, aspiring son-in-law sets up his wily plot.

  I don’t like to deceive my daughter, and she’s a grown woman who needs to make her own choices.

  But this Eric guy is not for her. He’s having fun at best, and at worst he’s trying to manipulate her into being someone she’s not. At least Max is trying to trick her into realizing who she actually is.

  Wow, that’s some convoluted logic right there.

  Max startles me as he sneaks back down the stairs.

  “Okay, it’s done. Thanks, Sharon. You’re a great mom.”

  “Don’t butter me up. We want the same outcome, but I still don’t love your tactics. And don’t think you’re off the hook if your plot to get her back works. I expect lots of changes, including being more attentive and responsible, and you’re not moving back in—”

  “Stop, I know. I promise, Sharon.”

  He turns back to his son, who has absolutely no idea what’s going on. Thank God.

  “Now come say bye-bye to Daddy, little buddy. I’ll be back to pick you up in a little while, and we’ll play boom-boom on the drums.”

  I can’t help but smile as Max lifts his son off the ground and tickles his neck with his scruffy face. I need this last minute reinforcement to ease my guilt over being such an integral part of this conspiracy.

  But really—if Eric doesn’t want a child in his life, then Bianca is making a huge mistake, no matter how she feels about Max.

  That kid at the bounce house is lucky Jon was there and not me. Grandmas are the fiercest of the mama bears.

  “Okay, I need to run. Text me when the fitness buffs are back.” He rolls his eyes and heads out to the back door. He parked on the street behind ours so he wouldn’t be seen if they happened to come home sooner than expected.

  One thing I know for sure. Bianca doesn’t run unless something is chasing her, so I expect her to be in a somewhat compromised mood when she gets home. That will only add to the drama.

  Good thing Mick can’t say very much because I certainly wouldn’t pull him in on our plot. If he starts babbling something about ‘Dada,’ Bianca will assume he’s just anxiously awaiting his arrival.

  Phoebe tilts her furry, white head to the side and motions towards the kitchen.

  “You’ve been such a patient girl. Let’s get you a treat. And Mick, let’s see if those cookies are ready to nibble on.”

  I mock tickle him and he’s already giggling.

  Grandma could also use a treat. It’s not too early to drink, but I have a feeling I will need all my wits about me in a couple of hours.

  Bianca

  Running blows.

  Eric is barely sweating and I look like I fell in a lake. A hot, smelly lake.

  We’re almost back to the house. The sad thing is that I know this isn’t even half of his normal route. I don’t mind a little exercise. I love hiking, and I took a kick-boxing class with Katie once. I was the more serious one. She just joined to meet guys. I think she has at least two ex-boyfriends she met in that class.

  Eric runs up to the front porch and keeps jogging in place, like he has to get every last bit of running time in. I should tell him to run up and down the stairs for the rest of the afternoon, until dinner’s ready.

  I finally reach the front steps and collapse on the lawn. I could continue to stand, but I don’t want to.

  Of course our neighbor takes this opportunity to come out and walk his dog. I manage a wave and Eric yells out, “Hello. Lovely day, isn’t it?”

  Sometimes I marvel at his cheeriness and formality, but it’s a far cry from the usual show the Osbournes have performed on the front lawn. I’m sure the neighbors are pleased that the Buczkowski influence has vacated the premises. No more accidentally showing up on an episode of COPS.

  Eric walks over to me and extends his hand. “Really, Bianca? You know you’re in good shape. I could have run you twice as long. You’re a tough girl.”

  Why does he keep saying that? I take his hand and let him pull me up. As he reaches in to kiss me, I pull back. “I’m so disgustingly sweaty.”

  “I don’t care. Too bad your mom is here.”

  “And my child.” He always seems to forget about Mick.

  He continues kissing me and I give in. After all, I deserve a reward for enduring that hellacious activity.

  “Yeah, you need a shower.”

  I smack his arm and chase him into the house. Phoebe greets us with a big chew stick in her mouth, and drops it long enough to bark us in.

  “Mama!” Mick comes running to me, and I explain that Mommy is yucky and stinky.

  He wrinkles his nose and says, “Pee yoo!”

  Eric stands awkwardly and greets my mother.

  “Hello, Sharon. It’s so nice to see you again. Bianca did great on the run.”

  I get the feeling Mom already doesn’t like Eric. Of course the fact that he hasn’t pet her dog, or acknowledged her grandson, could have something to do with her frosty reception.

  “Same here, Eric. If you guys want to shower, I’ve got the towels laid out upstairs. We can have some snacks in the living room when you’re ready. Dinner’s in the oven.”

  “Mama, Dada boom boom.”

  “Oh, yes Daddy is going to pick you up soon so you can play drums. How fun!”

  Hopefully he’ll come by while I’m in the shower, but I know my mother won’t let Mick leave without saying goodbye to me.

  How do all of the millions of divorced people in the world deal with this? You really need to be careful who you reproduce with.

  We walk up the stairs and I say, ‘You can shower with me. My mother isn’t a stuffy old lady, and she won’t even come up here.”

  “No, I wouldn’t feel right about that. Just point me to the guest room. We can do that later, at my place.”

  “How many showers do you think I’m going to take today? Am I going to get that dirty?”

  “I certainly hope so.”

  And there he goes, walking off down the hall. Unbelievable. After the kissing on the front lawn, I thought we would…never mind. Maybe he’s right. With my mother and son downstairs, it is a little sleazy. But why wasn’t it sleazy when Max and I did it?

  I turn on the taps and adjust the water to an almost scalding setting, then dial it back. I’m hot enough already.

  Once I’m in the tub, I pull back the shower curtain. I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye. Must be one of Mick’s toys. I really should empty them out before I get in the tub. One time my foot was practically bleeding from stepping on a litt
le boat.

  I stick my head under the shower stream and close my eyes. This has been a stressful couple of weeks, and the warm water feels soothing.

  I wasn’t thrilled with yesterday’s events, and I was even more troubled with Eric’s reaction to my defense of what happened.

  Yes, I was justifying Jon’s behavior, which was a bit over the top, but it wasn’t like he harmed the kid who was hurting our kids. He stopped a potentially dangerous situation, and maybe he even taught that kid a lesson. Eric doesn’t understand that primal, parental instinct.

  The shower curtain parts and I jump.

  “You scared the crap out of me. I thought you said this was improper.”

  He grabs my waist and pulls me close, whispering in my ear. “I lied. You were disappointed, weren’t you?”

  I pull back and glare at him, but how can I be mad when he’s here with me and…okay, that time I saw something in the corner of the tub.

  “Hey, did you see—”

  Just as I try to alert him to movement at the edge of the shower curtain, something scurries across the tub, directly over Eric’s foot, which causes him to scream like a little gi…

  “AAAHHH!!!!! What the hell was that?”

  In his effort to escape the creature, he stumbles and grabs on the shower nozzle to keep from falling.

  “Eric, watch out!”

  In the process of trying to right himself, the detachable nozzle flies off in his hand, causing him to lunge forward and rip off the shower curtain and rod, as he tumbles onto the tile floor.

  Leaving me alone with Mickey in the tub.

  Not Mick, my son. He hasn’t shrunk himself and magically appeared in Mommy’s shower.

  No, Mickey. As in Mouse. There’s a fucking mouse in the bathtub.

  Sharon

  “Jeez, you got here fast. Were you just sitting in your…you were, weren’t you? Well, you’re just in time because I hear lots of screaming from upstairs. Only it’s not from—”

  Max begins to respond, but the scene coming down the stairs causes his mouth to hang open. Eric is running at full speed, soaking wet and wearing Bianca’s shower curtain and part of the rod?