A Forgetful Heart (Whispers In Wyoming Book 8)

by Rachel Skatvold

  Austin nodded as they started walking again and watched the little dog follow his nose into the brush on the side of the path. “You know, I never thought I wanted to step foot in a church again after my mother passed away, but it’s really not that bad. I actually enjoy the pastor’s sermons. He tells good stories. The other church members aren’t so bad, either.”

  Trevor stayed silent for a moment and when he spoke again, his serious expression had returned. “You know, I don’t talk about this much, but after I lost my wife, I stopped going to church for a while. I blamed God for taking her from me.”

  Austin’s eyes widened in surprise that Trevor would do anything like that. “So what made you come back?”

  Trevor shrugged. “God sent Charlotte into my life and helped me heal from my grief. I realized that bad things happen to everyone because we live in a fallen world, but the Bible says He comforts those who mourn. When I came back to Him, he was right there waiting for me. I was the one who left, but he never did. He kept calling and reaching out to me until I returned.”

  “And that was it?” Austin asked in disbelief. “He forgave you, just like that?”

  Trevor nodded, a look of peace spreading over his face. “Yes. That’s how God is. Because of Jesus, we can approach God just the way we are and we become His children. We don’t have to clean ourselves up before coming to him. Jesus does that for us when we invite Him into our hearts.”

  Austin thanked his new friend, but remained quiet as they approached the stables. He’d heard about God plenty of times in his life but had never heard things explained the way Trevor had. It gave him a lot to think about. Could God really forgive him for all the bad things he’d done in his life?

  Laina hummed a little hymn from church as she brushed down one of the horses. Things were going great with Austin and she couldn’t wait to go out to lunch with him that afternoon. There was something she needed to tell him—something important that she’d known for a long time, but it scared her. Continuing to hum, Laina placed it in God’s hands to let her know when would be the right time.

  “Someone’s in a good mood,” a man’s voice said from behind her.

  After looking and realizing it was Andy she turned back to the task at hand. He had continued to flirt with her when Austin wasn’t around and it bothered her. “I guess I am in a good mood. It’s almost lunch break. I’m starving.”

  He moved closer and leaned against the stall door next to her. “I ordered some take out from the Italian restaurant in town. It’s way too much for me to eat alone. What do you say we have lunch together today?”

  “I’m sorry. I already have other plans,” she said, trying not to divulge too much information.

  “With your ex?”

  She avoided his eyes and started hanging up the brush and a harness on some hooks in the stables. “He’s not my ex. We’re still married.”

  “Well, why’s there no ring on your finger?” he teased in a velvety tone.

  Laina glared at Andy, warning him to back off. “That’s none of your business.”

  He put his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. Sorry. It’s just…Laina, you can’t deny the chemistry between us. This guy has obviously let you down before. I can tell. If he isn’t promising a commitment, why not give him a little healthy competition?” Before Laina could respond, Andy leaned forward and kissed her long and hard on the lips.

  She shoved him back against one of the stalls, shocked at his behavior. “How dare you! Stay away from me!”

  Andy chuckled, unfazed as he moved toward her again.

  Just then, Austin appeared out of nowhere and grabbed Andy by the shirt. “You heard my wife. Stay away from her!” he growled through clenched teeth and threw Andy to the ground with his good arm.

  Copper howled from outside at the noise and Trevor ran in with wide eyes. “What is going on in here?”

  “He kissed her,” Austin said, turning to him.

  “Watch out!” Laina shouted and watched in horror as Austin turned around, but it was too late. Standing now, Andy punched him square in the jaw, knocking him out cold.

  Trevor didn’t waste a second and shouted at Andy, “You collect your things and get out of here. You’re fired.”

  “Gladly,” Andy sneered and left the stables. Trevor followed close behind to make sure he left the premises.

  When they were gone, Laina rushed to her unconscious husband and framed his face in her hands. “Austin…open your eyes! Look at me. Please…”

  A moment later, he blinked a few times and looked up at her. “Hello beautiful,” he said, sputtering out a choked laugh. Then he sat up with a groan and rubbed his chin. “Gosh, that guy punches harder than I thought.”

  “Yeah, no kidding.”

  His eyes filled with worry. “Are you okay, Laina? Did he hurt you?”

  Laina shook her head. “No, he just kissed me. That’s all.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him before nuzzling her face against his cheek. “I was so worried when he punched you, with your head already injured.”

  “I’m fine,” he insisted. “Just a little dizzy, but it’s passing.”

  “I love you,” Laina whispered, surprised at her own words and how naturally they came out.

  “I love you, too,” he whispered back and all her fears dissolved away. He was still her Austin—her husband, true love and protector. She never wanted to be separated from him again.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Although Austin told Laina he felt fine after his skirmish with Andy, he had a raging headache for the rest of the day. That night he didn’t sleep well either, tossing and turning until sunrise and disturbing the dog beside him. What little sleep he got was tormented with awful nightmares. He saw his life spiraling out of control. When he opened his eyes before the sunrise, Austin remembered everything—losing the championship, his addiction and pushing Laina away when she tried to help him.

  Then he also remembered something else—something that stabbed even deeper into his heart and left an empty hole. Laina had kept a secret from him—a painful secret that revealed an awful truth. He didn’t deserve her.

  It hurt too much. He had to find some way to ease the pain. The old craving he had fought for years came clawing its way back, threatening to tear him apart.

  As another week passed, Laina couldn’t put a finger on the sudden change in Austin. Something was definitely wrong. He still showed affection toward her, but seemed sad somehow, like a huge weight rested on his shoulders. One afternoon after they had a picnic lunch by the stables she finally mustered the courage to bring it up.

  “I’m leaving tomorrow.”

  Her eyes filled with tears. “Why?”

  “I think I found a job, but it’s two hours away.”

  “Why do you need a job so far away? I thought Trevor offered you a job here?”

  He shook his head. “Working as a stable hand has never suited me. The job is at my cousin’s cattle ranch. It’s what I’m good at, Lainey…what I used to do with my dad.”

  “I see,” Laina said calmly, but inside her heart sunk. “So you’ll travel four hours every day to and from work? It doesn’t seem like you’ll break even with all the gas money you’ll have to come up with.”

  Austin looked down, avoiding her eyes. “No, I’ll stay on site during the week and come back for the weekends.” He stopped for a moment to take in her hurt expression before explaining further. “I know it’s not an ideal situation, but I have to make a new life for myself, Lainey. I have to figure out what job suits me best. We both know my rodeo days are over.”

  Laina leaned against a nearby tree, trying to absorb everything she’d just heard. So maybe that was it. It had just hit him that his career in bull riding was over. However, she wasn’t about to lose him again. She approached and took his hand in hers. “I’ll go with you then.”

  Austin closed his eyes and shook his head hard. “No, Lainey. I can’t let you leave your dreams behind again. Y
ou love teaching those kids how to ride. I can tell.”

  Laina moved forward and clung to him in one last ditch effort to change his mind. “I love you more. Don’t you realize that?”

  He let out a deep sigh. “I’m sorry, but I think it would be best if I went alone.”

  Laina looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. “Austin, please don’t shut me out again. Tell me what’s wrong.”

  “It’s my fault that our marriage fell apart. It’s my fault…we lost…”

  Her eyes grew wide as his voice floated away on the breeze. A tingling feeling rose up her spine. “We lost what?”

  Austin rubbed his forehead, looking more grieved than she had ever seen him. “We lost the baby because of me…because my accident caused you too much stress…you miscarried.”

  Her heart pounded, reliving the entire experience again. “You remember that?”

  He nodded with misty eyes. “Yeah. I remember everything now. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  Laina released a deep sigh of despair. “I wanted to. It was just too painful and you had so much to deal with already.” She sniffled and gazed up into his sky blue eyes, searching his expression for answers. “Are you leaving because I kept this secret from you?”

  “Oh, of course not, Lainey,” he whispered and his face contorted before pulling her into his embrace again. “None of this is your fault. Do you hear me?”

  She nodded against him, soaking his shirt with her tears. “It wasn’t your fault either. I wish you would stop blaming yourself. The doctor said any number of things could have caused me to miscarry.”

  He stroked the back of her hair. “It’s not just that, Lainey. I failed you. I wasn’t strong for you, like a husband is supposed to be, and now all this pain and regret is hitting me all at once like a freight train. That old craving is back too and I feel like I’m losing control. It was all I could do not to steal a bottle of prescription pills from the back of your medicine cabinet the other day.”

  Laina gasped in shock and covered her mouth. “I’m sorry. Those were left over from a sprained ankle a few years ago. I should have hid them.”

  Austin shook his head with a grieved look on his face. “See, Lainey? This is what I’m talking about. You shouldn’t have to tiptoe around me, always afraid that I might slip up again. That’s not the life I want for you.”

  “Please, let me help you, Austin,” she pleaded.

  He shook his head. “No. You didn’t sign up for this. You deserve so much better. Someday you’ll realize that and move on. I’ll sign the divorce papers and you’ll be free of me.”

  Laina stomped on the ground in frustration, her sadness replaced with anger. “I’m sick and tired of you making up reasons why you don’t deserve me!” she shouted. “Don’t pretend that you’re trying to save me by leaving. You’re running away and you know it.” The shocked look on his face told Laina that she’d struck a nerve, but she didn’t care. “If you feel like you need to leave, just leave! If you want to sign the papers just do it! I’ll leave them by your door to make it easy. But don’t bother coming back.”

  With that said, Laina stomped back into the stables and didn’t look back. Somehow she’d let him back into her heart and he broke it a second time. She wouldn’t make the same mistake again.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Over the next month, Austin kept himself busy with work. It turned out the cattle business suited him after all. He enjoyed it and had managed to put aside a good amount of cash in his savings.

  Noah Riley, his distant cousin on his mother’s side was a good man with a large family and invited Austin to dinner every Friday night and church on Sunday. He even attended the Narcotics Anonymous group that his cousin was a member of. It was an encouragement to Austin to see that a former addict could clean up his act and live a normal, happy life. However, it made him long for Laina even more. He wanted what Noah had—a home with a happy marriage and children, but his dream of being a professional bull rider had managed to mess all of that up. It was his fault and now he had pushed Laina away again. Feeling the emerald ring on the chain around his neck confirmed that she was through with him for good. She’d left it in the envelope with the divorce papers on his front step.

  Not wanting to delay the inevitable, he’d signed the papers and sent them off to her lawyer. The divorce would be finalized soon and then they would both free. They could start new lives apart.

  In spite of his heavy thoughts, Austin got himself out of bed each morning and gave a hundred percent effort every day at his job. That morning was no different. There were worn places in the fences that needed mending, so he woke up with the sunrise and drove his truck to the storage shed. It still felt strange not having Copper tag along. He’d become accustomed to the little dog following him around everywhere and sleeping on his bed at night. He hoped Laina had decided to keep him.

  After picking up a roll of replacement fencing and other supplies, his cousin Noah came driving up on his ATV. “Need a hand?”

  Austin nodded as he put a hammer and container of nails into the bed of his truck. “Sure, I’d like the company.”

  Noah climbed into the passenger side of his truck and a few minutes later they reached one of the sections of fence that needed repairs. “So, how do you like it here so far?” his cousin asked as he threw a roll of new fencing over his shoulder.

  Austin followed suit as he thought about how to answer his question. “I like it. This kind of job suits me, since I worked with my father all those years.”

  “Is the Gaines Cattle Co. still up and running?”

  He shook his head sadly. “No, unfortunately it went under after he had his stroke. The bank owns everything now.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Austin shrugged. “It is what it is I guess. Now that I don’t have a chance of returning to the circuit, I thought of buying it and starting over, but I don’t have enough money yet. Plus, there’s nothing but bad memories in Tipton. I don’t know if I would ever want to live there permanently.”

  “Now I highly doubt there’s nothing but bad memories. What about your wife, Laina?”

  “You mean soon to be ex-wife?” Austin asked.

  Noah frowned and shook his head. “I’m sorry to hear that…but regardless, I’m sure you have good memories about how you met and grew up together.”

  “I guess you’re right,” he admitted. “But the good memories just remind me of what I lost.”

  Noah let out a deep sigh. “Listen, Austin. I’m not trying to be nosey, but have you considered that you haven’t really lost it yet? Until you draw your last breath, there’s time to make things right. Don’t let life pass you by.”

  Austin nodded, realizing his cousin had a good point. “How did you get to this point, Noah? How did you resist getting pulled back into old habit and forgive yourself for all the pain you may have caused? That’s the hardest part for me. Every time I think of Laina, I know that I don’t deserve her after what I did. That’s why I had to let her go.”

  Noah rubbed his neck and turned to Austin turned to him with a knowing look in his eyes. “Honestly, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I don’t know how I would have gotten through it without God’s help.”

  Just a few months ago, Austin would have scoffed at the mention of God. However, now he leaned closer in curiosity. “How did He help?”

  “When I became a Christian, He gave me a new purpose in life. I no longer had to try and clean up my life on my own. He walked with me every step of the way. He delivered me from my addiction…healed those broken relationships I thought were lost forever.”

  Austin shook his head. “I just don’t understand why he would forgive someone like me, after all I’ve done. I don’t deserve it.”

  “None of us do. I was a slave to sin once too…a slave to my addiction, but not anymore. I’m God’s own child. You can be too.”

  Austin didn’t say much after that but continued to ponder it throughout the day. C
ould he really trust in this God he’d been running from all these years?

  Chapter Nineteen

  After an hour training session with Emma, Laina walked with her back into the stables. Together, they took care of their horses and helped them wind down from the session early that day.

  Emma took off her horse’s saddle, setting it aside. “Aunt Laina, are you really going to move?”

  She looked up at her honorary niece and managed a hopeful smile, in spite of the turmoil raging in her heart. “In a few minutes I’m going with your mom to look at a few houses in town. They are only about twenty minutes away. You’ll still see me during the week like usual. I just won’t live here anymore.”

  Emma shook her head as she hung up a halter. “It doesn’t make any sense though. You’ve always said that you would hate living in town and you work here and even when you don’t have to on the weekends just for fun. Isn’t it easier to just live in the cabin? Besides, we need you here.”

  Laina smiled and hugged her nine-year-old niece. “Thank you, sweetheart. It’s nice to feel needed.” She leaned back and gripped Emma’s shoulders. “It’s hard to explain, but I’m ready to get my own place. It might just be a tiny house in town, but it will be mine. That’s what matters.” She touched Emma’s cheek, noticing that she’d started to tear up. “Chin up, cowgirl. Everything will be fine. You’ll see.” As they came out the door, Copper greeted them with a joyful howl and wag of his tail. Laina sat on the step and scratched him behind the ears. “Emma, would you mind taking care of Copper while your mom and I are gone. He’ll need to be fed.”

  “Sure.” The girl sat down and the dog climbed into her lap, making her laugh.

  Laina watched in amusement as Copper licked her chin. He’d been a little sad and lonely since Austin left. It made her happy to see him so affectionate with Emma.

  Her niece headed back to the house with Copper trailing behind a few minutes later in better spirits. However, Laina’s heart lurched as she watched her go. In reality she was telling herself everything would be fine. Austin’s departure had spurred her to make some changes. She was two years away from turning thirty and needed some independence, even if it felt uncomfortable to leave the place she’d lived for six years. Walking back into the stables, she remembered when she first came to Morgan Stables, when Emma’s biological mother, Bridget, had invited her to stay. Laina had been a confused, brokenhearted twenty-two year old woman, still grieving after her miscarriage and unsure of where to turn after her husband morphed into someone she didn’t recognize. At the lowest point in her life, working at the diner in town just to survive and living out of her car, Bridget and her husband Tom had offered her a job and shelter. They treated her like part of the family and over the years, Bridget had become like a sister. What she wouldn’t give for some wise advice from her right now.