110-Million Bride

by Natsume Akatsuki

  Talk about life’s winners. I had struggled and slaved and had finally joined the ranks of successful adventurers.

  Patting our bulging stomachs, Aqua and I went back to our house, a mansion fit for top-class adventurers like us. We were happily discussing where to go for dinner as we opened the door…

  “We’re ho—”

  “Argh, you are one unbelievably perverted Crusader! Here, this is what you want, isn’t it? Stop putting on a brave face. Just cry uncle and I’ll— Oops.”

  “You think this can break me? On my pride as a Crusader, I can do this for an hour, or two hours, or— Oh!”

  We found Darkness, curled up in a bedroll and left in the foyer, and Megumin, crouched before her and dangling some ice in front of her face teasingly. Both of them were red in the face as if from heat, and Darkness was panting heavily.

  Our eyes met. I quietly closed the door.

  The door burst back open, and a flustered Megumin came flying out.

  “Please don’t close the door! This is not what it looks like, you two!”

  “No, hey, don’t worry about it; we understand. Aqua and I will go have a nice meal out, so you guys just keep doing what you’re doing. We can even find somewhere else to stay tonight.”

  “The Axis Church recognizes homosexual love, you know. Do you need a magical blessing?”

  “You don’t understand at all! Let me explain! Darkness is—”

  Megumin grabbed both of us by the arm and dragged us desperately inside.

  “Grr!” Darkness growled. “You’re going to mount a humiliation assault on me, too?! You think just having Kazuma and Aqua see me in this highly compromising position is going to get me to give up?!”

  “Your incessant chatter is not helping our case, Darkness! Pipe down!”

  I was only briefly distracted by Darkness, who was still making a scene from her entrapment on the floor. I noticed I could feel heat leaking out from the open door.

  It was almost summer, but these two had lit a fire in the fireplace.

  “This isn’t some perverse game,” Megumin said. “Darkness asked me to help her work on strengthening her endurance. She claims that she wins this town’s annual Endurance Championship every year.” Flushed, she held the ice out toward the equally red-faced Darkness.

  “I don’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed,” I said. “But if you’re going to practice this stuff, do it at Darkness’s family’s house or something. Don’t turn our living room into a sauna.”

  Darkness let out a relieved breath as Megumin pressed the ice against her and said, “Actually, my father hasn’t been in such good health lately. If he found me doing anything like this at home, he would worry about what his unmarried young daughter had been up to. I’m keeping it here out of consideration for him.”

  “You sure he didn’t get sick because you kept piling logs on the fire at his house?”

  Having the ice pressed against her seemed to have calmed Darkness down and drained some of the weird tension in the air. “Phew…,” she said. “With you and Aqua home, maybe it’s time for me to come clean. With Megumin’s help, I’ve found that, since my level is higher than last year, my resistance to heat has improved as well. I’m sure I’ll take the crown again this year. Hey, Kazuma, could you let me out of here?” She shifted pointedly in the bedroll.

  ……

  “You remind me an awful lot of my predicament when I got hit by Bind back at Alderp’s mansion.”

  Darkness looked at me questioningly. “I do? Come to think of it, I guess something like that did happen. Well, we can talk about it later. Come over here and set me free. I’m soaked with sweat under this futon. I want to hurry up and take a bath.”

  Aqua and Megumin, fully aware of what I was saying, crouched down next to Darkness. They were both grinning.

  Darkness looked at us, unease finally showing on her face. I made a show of waving my fingers at her. “We’ve been together a long time, Darkness. Surely you know what I’m like by now. For example, whenever I’ve been wronged, I always return the favor. Now then, Darkness. I recall that when I was immobilized back in the capital, you weren’t afraid to abuse me. And what an interesting position you find yourself in now!”

  “Hrk! J-just kill me!”

  Her face flushed once more and she started struggling to escape. That was the first knightly thing I’d heard her say all day.

  “Phew… Kazuma really had his way with my hot, helpless body.”

  “H-hey, watch how you say things! It sounds really dirty when you put it like that.”

  The lot of us had tickled Darkness into submission together.

  She may have been making me sound like a total perv, but Darkness looked pretty pleased overall. “I was hoping to practice some more tomorrow,” she said. “Kazuma, maybe you could be the one who dangles the ice in front of me while I try to endure the heat?”

  “No way… I said no way. Stop looking at me so hopefully.” I made a shooing motion at Darkness, who put on her best disappointed face.

  I looked at Aqua, who was sitting barefoot on the couch with her knees drawn up to her chest.

  “Gosh, whatever happened to the proud, assertive Darkness from the capital?” she asked. “Look at me. Just last night I went and purified the souls in the town’s common graveyard. I contribute to society like that every day. You should learn from my example.”

  What had actually happened was that Aqua had completely forgotten her promise to Wiz that she would periodically purify the cemetery, and when rumors started up recently that ghosts had been causing more trouble than usual, she had rushed to go and take care of it.

  Oh well. No need to bring that up now. There was something else that had been bothering me even more than that.

  “What’s that thing you’ve been holding to your belly?”

  Aqua had a blanket over her knees, on top of which was a small egg. When we went out together, she would forever have her hand in her pocket, playing with it.

  “Ohhh, curious, are we, Kazuma? Very well, let me tell you. Listen and be amazed—this is a dragon egg!”

  ““A dragon egg?!”” Megumin and I exclaimed together.

  Aqua, looking very pleased with herself, said, “The other day when I was looking after the house by myself, this traveling merchant showed up. He’d heard of us and was very impressed. ‘What an honor to meet you!’ he said. ‘I’ve been looking for adventurers just like you—the type who can face down the Demon King’s army and live to tell the tale! The kind who sneer at danger and battle the Demon King day and night! I have a special gift for you!’ He said if we were going to keep on battling the Demon King, we would at least need a dragon, and I thought that made sense.”

  He had “heard of us”? Something smelled extremely fishy here. I had a feeling what he had “heard” was that we had a lot of money.

  Aqua went on about her dragon egg, totally oblivious to the sour look on my face.

  “Now, listen. I’m aware you’re a know-nothing who’s totally ignorant of the ways of this world, Kazuma, so let me enlighten you. Dragon eggs are extraordinarily difficult to come by. When one does arrive at the market, it’s always snapped up by a noble or some rich guy. So when someone specifically seeks you out to sell you one, what else can you do except buy it? This is a dragon we’re talking about. A dragon! Isn’t that exciting?”

  It would be a lie to say the thought didn’t pique my interest, but the more I heard, the fishier this sounded.

  “And how much was this egg you bought?” I asked.

  “You’re not going to believe this. He said everything I had would be payment enough. Dragon eggs usually go for at least a hundred million. When I asked him why he was willing to part with it for so cheap, you know what he said? He told me that unlike nobles and rich people, who just wanted to buy status, powerful adventurers would raise this dragon so it could be part of the coming battle with the Demon King!”

  She cradled the egg lovin
gly in her arms. I got a bit of vertigo.

  “And you…bought it?”

  “Of course I did. I’ve even named it already. His name will be Zeltman Kingsford. And I’m going to be his mother, so you can rest assured that one day he’ll be a ruler among dragons! You can feel free to call him Emperor Zel.”

  As Aqua spoke, she bathed the egg she was holding in a soft light. Was she using magic to keep it warm? Or was this how a goddess helped speed up a creature’s growth?

  It didn’t really matter, because from every angle, this appeared to be a chicken egg.

  “Anyway,” Aqua said, “I won’t be taking part in any quests until he hatches. I really can’t take my eyes off the little guy, so Kazuma, could you bring my dinner here?”

  I thought a fried egg would make a perfect side dish for dinner tonight.

  3

  “Okay, we’re heading out. Sorry to stick you with doing such a stupid thing, Megumin.”

  “I don’t mind. Anyway, if we don’t do this, Aqua will never go outside, and say what you might, she’s the only one who can deal with that demon.”

  The following day.

  I headed for Wiz’s shop with Aqua and Darkness in tow. Megumin was staying home.

  She had lit a fire in the fireplace, even though it was plenty hot outside; spread out a blanket in front of it; and was keeping Aqua’s egg warm. This was my concession to the goddess, who had flatly refused to leave the house while she was busy trying to hatch her egg.

  The two girls and I arrived at a cozy little magic-item shop tucked away off the town’s main street.

  Despite the early hour, Aqua began pounding on the door. “Let us in! Please! Come on—open the door! The sun is already up and everything! Your best customers are here! Hurry and open up shop!” It was true; we were certainly familiar faces around this place.

  After Aqua’s commotion, a series of stomps could be heard from inside, and then the door burst open.

  “Is there no time of the day when you’re not noisy?! Think of the trouble you’re causing to the neighborhood! You’re a threat to public order! We’re not open yet, and we won’t be for a while! Go wash your face and then come back.”

  This tirade came from a part-timer in a bizarre mask—the lackadaisical demon Vanir.

  “We’re not here as customers today. We’ve got something else in mind!” Aqua shot back. “You guys are always busy when you’re open for business. We got up especially early to come here and talk to you, so you should be grateful. Come on—let’s hear it! Say thank you!”

  She gave a triumphant little snort as she faced down the demon.

  It so happened that this store’s main business at the moment was selling items I’d invented, and it was making them a lot of money. I had taken my payment in a lump sum in exchange for the intellectual property rights, so however much product Wiz’s shop might move, I wouldn’t see any more cash. Still, as the inventor, I was certainly happy to see my ideas being so well received.

  “You’re renowned for your inability to read a situation, and I’m not pleased by your insinuation that you’ve done me some kind of favor. I assume there’s a punch line to that remark. But never mind. I know what you’re here for. The newly rich boy wants his reward. Come in and wait; I’ll get it for you.”

  With that, Vanir went into the store, but Aqua stuck to him like glue, saying, “Be grateful! You can say: ‘Thank you so much for taking your precious time to come visit a worthless excuse for a demon like me.’ Go on—say it!”

  “You expect me to ever say such a ridiculous thing?! Our tired-from-pulling-so-many-all-nighters shopkeeper is sleeping in the back, so keep your voice down! If you insist on continuing to besmirch the name of our shop with your antics, I’ll put a curse on you that will make aloe grow from your behind!”

  “Just you try it! A curse from a shrimpy little demon like you would never have any effect on me. Are you stupid? You said that mask is your true body—I guess there’s no room in there for a brain.”

  “Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Clearly, we need to settle things between us. Very well, I suggest we take this outside!”

  They began to swipe at each other, and I pulled them apart. “Okay, I need you guys to stop fighting every single time you so much as look at each other. Anyway, what’s this about Wiz pulling a bunch of all-nighters? Is the store really that busy?”

  “Indeed,” Vanir replied, “this is precisely what they mean when they speak of laughing all the way to the bank. We sell our stock as quickly as we can make it, so the owner neither rests nor eats but spends her days minding the store and her nights producing more to sell. This cycle has gone on for nearly two weeks now, and she has reached a point of emotional instability. She’ll break into laughter or tears for no particular reason. She’s in no position to receive customers, so I’m having her take a rest.”

  “Y-you…” I could hardly believe what I was hearing.

  Vanir returned with a bulging sack in one hand. “I was thinking to myself: How do I take a shopkeeper who inevitably gets into trouble when left to her own devices and keep her from steering right back into the red? I’ve been observing her, and I noticed that when she has too much free time, it leads her to do unwise things. So I hit upon the idea of keeping her busy twenty-four hours a day, without so much as time to eat—and I must say, it’s worked rather well.”

  He handed me the bag even as the repugnant comments came out of his mouth. Wiz might be an immortal Lich, but he could at least let her rest every now and then!

  Hey… Exactly who was the shopkeeper and who was the employee here anyway?

  “Incidentally,” Vanir said, turning to Darkness, “you, the one who’s been idling there this whole time. The one whose body burns with sexual desire, night after night, despite being a virgin.”

  “Whaaa—?!” Darkness shouted and practically came flying at Vanir. He dodged her easily.

  “Mm, yes, negativity dripping with the utmost embarrassment, delicious. Young armored woman, I believe I once predicted your destruction. The constant presence of a certain woman by your side who gives off a disgusting and very bright light makes it difficult to see your future. But in thanks for bringing me such a profitable enterprise, allow me to predict your fortune properly.”

  Then he gave an ugly and fittingly demonic smile.

  “Hey, is this woman with the disgusting light you’re talking about…me?” Aqua said, grabbing Vanir’s shirt.

  “Predicted my…destruction?” Darkness said, frowning. Before she could go any further, I jumped in.

  “Hey, forget about that. Give me some more details of what you were saying about Darkness a minute ago!”

  Tears beading in her eyes and face red up to her ears, Darkness decked me.

  4

  My teeth were still rattling when Vanir said, “Very well, then, let me look. O girl who has a pronounced yet strange sense of duty as a noble but lacks the abilities to back it up, and therefore spends all her time in fruitless effort, it is well that you’ve come here.”

  “……”

  Darkness sat across from Vanir, saying nothing and chewing her cheeks in apparent distress. As I watched her, I rubbed my face where Darkness, on the brink of tears, had punched me. Aqua said I had reaped what I’d sown and refused to cast Heal on me, so I tried to reduce the swelling with Freeze.

  I still intended to hit up Vanir later and find out what he’d been getting ready to say about Darkness.

  “I’m telling you, Darkness, take a demon’s predictions with a large grain of salt,” Aqua said. “I guarantee my pure and precious prophecies would do you more good than anything you’ll hear from a weirdo like him.”

  I highly doubted that.

  “Hmph. My prophecies are not like those of the gods, half-formed and to be interpreted in any way one pleases. I am the all-seeing demon and second to none in my vocation. Now then, I’m going to ask you some questions. Some may be difficult to answer, but tr
y to be honest.”

  “O-okay… But I’m a paladin of the Eris sect. Why do I have to get my fortune told by a demon all of a sudden?”

  “Well, it’s free, for starters,” I said. “All you have to do is answer some questions, right?”

  Darkness murmured her agreement and then straightened up, facing Vanir.

  “Mm, it seems you’re ready,” he said. “Then, first, place your hand atop this crystal ball. Good, now all you need to do is wait. Please answer my questions honestly.”

  “Er… R-right…” Darkness had her hand on the crystal ball as Vanir had instructed.

  “Now, I ask you. A Crusader needs both defense and enough weight to dive into the fray, yet you’ve been assiduously lightening your armor of late. Why is that?”

  The question caused Darkness to tremble with surprise. “W-well, I…I th-th-thought, since I’m so clumsy, if I made my armor lighter, maybe it would be just a little easier for me to hit something… J-just a l-little…” Darkness faltered with nearly every syllable.

  “I told you to answer honestly,” Vanir whispered.

  ……

  “I noticed I’ve been getting more and more muscular lately, so I decided to…lighten my armor…” She was looking at the ground in embarrassment, and her voice was so soft it wouldn’t have drowned out the buzzing of a housefly.

  Wait, Darkness was getting ripped?

  And that bothered her?

  Vanir nodded with satisfaction when he heard this.

  “Very good. Now, I ask you. The dress belonging to your wizard friend that was left in the laundry basket in the bath. You secretly held it up to your body, looking at yourself in the mirror and muttering happily, ‘Yeah, no way this would work. No way…’ Why was that? Further, why was it that while you spoke, your usual joyless, brusque countenance lit up with a smile? And why did you then blush, take a look around, and then quickly return it to the basket?”