110-Million Bride

by Natsume Akatsuki

  After a moment, the cruel voice replied, “…Don’t think I’ll forget this. After the wedding—and after I’ve enjoyed your precious young lady to my heart’s content—I’ll deal with you. Just you wait.”

  Then I heard my husband-to-be stomping away.

  “…Could you call the man by the door?” I said. “I’d like to thank him.”

  The maid nodded quietly and summoned the staff member posted outside.

  “Young Lady! How truly lovely you look…” He sounded at once overjoyed and just a little bit sad.

  He was one of the guards who had been in the service of our house for a very long time. He was not one to bend; I remembered being a child and begging him to let me out of the house, but he never gave in. I would try to sneak over the fence, but he would always find me out.

  At one point in my life, I entertained elaborate fantasies of outfoxing him and escaping. Once, I tossed a ball over the fence and then begged him to go get it for me. While he was off fetching it, I snuck out. He found me almost immediately and dragged me back home—but I enjoyed the experience so much that I started throwing a ball over the fence every day. Every day, he would let me convince him to go get it. Looking back on it now, I realize that this was just after my mother died and I had no one to play with; in his own way, this man was being a playmate for me.

  “I’m sorry about that…,” I said. “You could have let him through. It doesn’t matter what happens to me now. But rest assured, I’ll guarantee he doesn’t punish you.”

  “You need not worry, Young Lady,” the guard said. “It was my intention to resign after your marriage in any event. I serve House Dustiness—although I could be moved to serve a man who had won your respect.”

  I gave him a sad smile. A man who had won my respect? An image flitted through my mind: a certain boy who had snuck into my room at night, been chased off, offered a parting shot as he jumped out a window, and then lay rolling on the ground in pain. I couldn’t keep the corners of my lips from creeping up at the memory.

  “Your smile is so beautiful, Miss, but all too rare these days. It warms my heart to have seen that expression on my last day of service to you.” The guard gave me a beatific smile of his own, then turned away. “…A-ahem. If I may be so forward, the beauty of your innocence is your loveliest trait. Er…so…perhaps you could satisfy yourself without letting your little games become too violent…” With these embarrassed words, he vanished to the other side of the door.

  “?!”

  The two maids both averted their gazes. Ohhh! What I wouldn’t give to get my hands on the guy who started these awful rumors with his impressions!

  He’s foul-mouthed, rude, and totally lacks what you would assume to be common knowledge despite a head full of obscure trivia. He’s conservative and a coward, yet given to sudden bursts of outrageous behavior; he just doesn’t make sense. He’s of the weakest class, has totally average stats besides his Luck, and has managed to defeat generals of the Demon King, major bounty heads, and every kind of monster using nothing but his plethora of skills and a little opportunism. He’s a mystery. When I revealed to him that I was a noble, he was less interested in my status than he was amused by my name.

  And then…

  I was the one who offered to cross the uncrossable line with him. I must be one messed-up person.

  I thought back on all our adventures, all the fun times we had. It’s very unusual for a noble to ever get to follow her own heart, including in the matter of marriage. And yet I had been permitted to spend my entire life up to this point with my own friends, doing what I wanted.

  …That was enough. It would be greedy for a noble like me to hope for any more. Now it was my turn to repay the people of this town. No longer would I let that lord do whatever he wanted. While he was busying himself with my body, I would learn his secrets. It might take years, but with the memory of my friends to sustain me, I could endure.

  …It was the strangest thing, though: I once thought it wouldn’t be half-bad to be his wife, but now I felt no attraction to him at all. Was this all his fault, too? Every time I thought back to our fights, I found myself starting to smile.

  “Er, Y-Young Lady?” My sudden smile had confused the maid who was doing my makeup; she stopped her work.

  “Oh. Pardon me. It’s nothing.”

  I told her to keep working, and then I let my thoughts wander back to my friends and their quirks.

  What would they do if they knew why I was in debt? Megumin would probably get angry. Aqua might start to cry even though she didn’t understand what was going on.

  And him? He would maybe say, How could you do something so stupid?! Then he would find out the thing that annoyed me most and immediately do it.

  But after I found out that lord’s secrets and put an end to all this… Would my friends still accept me? Would they take me back?

  “You look brilliant, milady! Please, if you’ll come to the mirror…”

  I obediently followed the maid to the looking glass, where I saw myself in a white dress. I gave myself the faintest of smiles. What a disappointment that I was doing all this dressing up for that lord.

  The ceremony was closed to the common people, but outside the church at the reception, anyone and everyone would be able to see me. Would he be there?

  …No. No, of course not. I knew him. I was sure he was shut up in his room alone, sulking. The thought of him pouting made me smile again.

  “It’s time. Let’s go, milady. The priest who will be officiating this most joyous occasion is the most powerful cleric in all of Axel. You’ll have the most wonderful wedding ceremony, I’m sure…”

  The man saying these words, ushering me out with a gesture, was none other than my family’s longest-serving butler, Hagen.

  I made to go, grateful to this town and all the people who had given me such freedom until this day.

  Ah… It’s been fun.

  Every day of the last year had been a joy.

  The smallest of smiles crept over my lips, and I took Hagen’s outstretched hand…

  6

  This was the holiest place in all of Axel.

  The center of the cult of Axis and their crazy— Er, obviously not.

  Naturally, we were in the Eris Church building.

  Most of those in attendance were people of power and influence in the town or nobles from nearby areas. All of them knew this wedding was a farce. They chatted in their seats, with none of the anxious anticipation that usually accompanies a wedding ceremony about to start.

  Guards serving “that lord” were posted outside the church, holding back the hangers-on who were trying to get a glimpse of the bride. The majority of said hangers-on were adventurers. Since Darkness’s marriage had recently become public knowledge, they were probably trying to see what their usually armor-clad acquaintance looked like in a dress. They were going nuts trying to get a peek. Well, maybe curiosity was what had driven them to become adventurers in the first place.

  Finally, the buzz died down, and silence descended over the church.

  Two small rooms had been prepared to the left and right of the building’s entrance, one for the groom and one for the bride.

  Now, out of the bride’s room, Hagen led the wife-to-be in a brilliant white dress. The butler was probably there as a fill-in for Darkness’s father, who was too sick to attend. A veil hid Darkness’s face, yet even so, she possessed a beauty that captivated onlookers.

  Next, the lord appeared from the other room. A white tuxedo hugged his corpulent frame, and like everyone else in the church, he couldn’t take his eyes off Darkness. No, he couldn’t take his eyes off her, his mouth hanging half-open, staring stupidly…

  He started to drift toward her, but Hagen gave a discreet cough, and the lord came to his senses. But it was almost as if no one noticed his pathetic behavior, because they were all too fixated on the bride.

  At last, the church’s pipe organ struck up a dignified march, and the bride
and groom began walking down the aisle together. The groom didn’t have his eyes on where he was going but was looking entirely at Darkness.

  Darkness, for her part, never looked up but kept her eyes on the ground. Seeing her like that, I felt a tremendous rage well up in me.

  “Do you think he might starve me? Refuse to give me food or water? It’s enough to make my heart pound…!” Whatever!

  What happened to the pervert I knew? The one who would blush at the thought of the monsters we were fighting? The one who could make impromptu declarations that brought even a general of the Demon King up short?

  This was her wedding, yet Darkness didn’t look the least bit happy. She looked sad, lonely. At long last, all eyes still on her, she arrived at the altar, where they would exchange their vows.

  Right in front of me.

  That’s right: I was standing beside the altar.

  In this world, it seemed, any cleric could administer wedding vows. You didn’t have to follow a specific religion. Say, for example, that you were the only Arch-priest in a whole town full of novices.

  The person Hagen had asked to do the blessing of the vows, the person who was now standing smack at the center of the altar, was the Arch-priest—and therefore most highly ranked cleric in Axel—Lady Aqua herself.

  And me? I stood proudly beside her as her assistant.

  Even when they arrived at the front of the church, the groom was too busy looking at his soon-to-be wife to notice us, and the blushing bride continued to stare at the ground.

  The solemn march stopped, and a voice began speaking. But it wasn’t half as reverent as the music that had just been playing.

  “Darkness. You are here today to marry this man who appears to be the offspring of a bear and a pig, in contravention of orders from me, a goddess, and allowed yourself to be swept along by events. Do you swear to take this old fart in sickness and in health, in happiness and in sadness, for richer or for poorer? Do you swear to love this old fart, respect him, comfort and help him, and to protect your chastity with your life? You can’t do it, can you? I’d sure like to just go home with you, Darkness. We could pick at Kazuma’s cooking and toss back a drink…”

  Wait, that wasn’t how wedding vows went, was it? The attention of everyone in the church instantly switched to Aqua. Even Alderp managed to bring himself to look at her.

  “…?! What? I—I know you! You’re that woman who showed up at my house and caused me all kinds of trouble! What is this? What in the world are you doing here?!”

  His shouting caused Darkness to notice us at last, and she stared at us, her mouth working open and closed with shock.

  I took the opportunity to grab her by the arm.

  Mom, Dad?

  I know you did your best to raise a normal child. But your beloved son has given up any hope of a normal life and is about to pick a fight with the biggest fish around. He’s going to kidnap a noblewoman.

  Darkness went pale as she registered what was happening, tears springing to her eyes.

  “Wh-what is this? Aqua… K-Kazuma! Kazuma, let go! Let go of me! What in Eris’s name do you think you’re doing?! This isn’t fun and games anymore! Crashing a noble wedding ceremony? You’ll be lucky if execution is the worst you get! How could you be so stupid? How could you be so, so stupid?”

  I didn’t let her get carried away any further.

  “Shut it, you moron! Running off on your own to play some idiot game! Deciding to take on my debt without so much as a word to me! Who do you think you are, my wife?! I told you—if you love me, you should have said something!”

  “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard! I’m sure I don’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about, you big idiot!”

  So maybe a church wasn’t the best place for this argument, but we didn’t care. The would-be groom, however, finally collected himself.

  “Th-the boy! Arrest the boy! And that fraud of a priest! They’re peasants! Commoners! They don’t belong here! Arrest them!”

  He tried to grab Darkness back from me, but I gave her a tug and hid her behind my back. That made Alderp angry.

  “Blast it all! You’ve got nothing to do with this—so butt out! Your beloved Lalatina owes me a debt, one so large that a worthless creature like you couldn’t repay it if you slaved your entire life! If you want your woman back, go save up your allowance and then talk to me—as if you have a chance!”

  The opportunity was just too perfect. I picked up the bag I had set beside the altar.

  “I’ll take that offer, old man,” I said. “Get a load of this: two billion eris, Darkness’s entire debt! Two thousand magic silver coins worth a million eris each. So I’ll be taking Darkness, thank you! And just for the record, she’s not my beloved! She’s j-just my friend! A very important friend—but just a friend!”

  My diligent corrections were almost drowned out by the clatter as I dumped all two thousand coins right at Alderp’s feet.

  And why would I do that, you ask…?

  “Whaaa—?! What do you mean, two billion?! Argh, wait! Lalatina! My Lalatina! Ahh—my money! Quickly, pick that up!”

  He started scrambling to grab the cash—as did everyone else in attendance. Hey, it wasn’t my fault if some unscrupulous bystander picked up some of the coins.

  While they were all busy with that, I took Darkness by the hand—she showed no sign of moving on her own—and tried to get away from the advancing group of what appeared to be Alderp’s goons.

  Darkness, though, shoved my hand away and shouted, “How—how could you?! Nobody asked you to do this! Do you have no respect for my personal resolve?! And this money! Where in the whole wide world did you come up with this much money?!” Darkness had been so stalwart until this moment, but now she was truly upset.

  “I did some selling,” I said. “Specifically, I sold all my knowledge of and rights to any idea I might ever have, in perpetuity. The money I got from doing that, plus every speck of reward money I’d saved up, came to exactly two billion eris. So I’m back to having to do honest work. I already made the sale. No use crying over it. I can’t go back on the deal now. Get it? So let’s go!”

  Darkness looked at me with a flurry of emotions—astonishment, sadness, and joy. But apparently she still had more to say.

  “You did all that? You— How could you—? When I— We—?”

  Alderp’s guys were rushing at us, and I was out of patience. I grabbed Darkness by the shoulders and shook her as hard as I could. “Cut the chitchat already! You don’t have any right to say no, and I won’t take any more back talk from you! I bought you back from that old-fart lord, so you’re my property now! I’m going to work you like a dog, and don’t you forget it! Get ready, because you’re gonna use that body of yours to recover everything I spent on you, you perverted, masochistic Crusader! You got that?! If you get it, then lemme hear it!!”

  “Y-yesh, shirrr!”

  The shaking, the shouting, and the being called a pervert in front of a whole crowd caused tears to spring to Darkness’s eyes but also sent her into a sort of ecstatic trance; she answered me in a mesmerized slur.

  I still had Darkness by the shoulders when she pitched forward. Apparently, my little speech had tugged on her heartstrings—or, more to the point, scored a critical hit on her hopeless masochism.

  Why did I always end up having to drag her along at the most crucial moments?! I swept her up in my arms like I was rescuing a damsel in distress and made for the church door.

  Now, remember, all kinds of noble and influential people from around town were attending this ceremony. The kinds of people who didn’t deal well with crisis or with any sort of immediate physical danger. None of them tried to stop me; other than the crew grabbing money off the ground, they just watched me go.

  Darkness, writhing in my arms, was blushing harder than I had ever seen her, and her breath was growing dangerously harsh.

  “Hff… Hff… B-bought…! A noble like me, bought! By this m
an! P-pay you back with my body? Unbelievable! And look—look at the situation we’re in! Carried off from my own wedding like a captive princess, like a—like a—”

  “H-hey, watch the drool! Watch out, you’re drooling on me! You sure you’re all right?! I mean, are you even sane?!”

  For some reason, Aqua, making up the tail of our little train, seemed pleased about all this; her eyes were shining as she said, “Ah, Kazuma the cur strikes again! All Darkness did was take on your debt, and all you did was pay it back again, but you manage to act as if you’ve bought her! Hey, Kazuma, I think when Megumin hears about this pay-with-your-body business, she’s gonna hit you with a major explosion. If she manages to totally vaporize you, I won’t be able to bring you back, okay?”

  “St-stop that! You need to stop making everything sound so bad! You’re twisting my words! I meant she would have to use her body like, like work! As a Crusader! As an adventurer!”

  Even as I spoke, I could see Alderp’s men gathering in the aisle to block our exit. And my arms were still full with Darkness, who was still blushing and melting.

  “Damn! Hey, Darkness, how long do you plan to keep up the crazy-in-love act? Get on your own two feet and start running! And by the way, all those muscles make you awfully heavy!”

  “Y-you bastard! How could you spoil the mood by saying something like that?!” Darkness, tears in her eyes once again, tore the train off her dress so she could move more easily, then jumped out of my arms. “Well, we’ve come too far to stop now! I’m sick and tired of all this! You, Alderp’s dogs! Get out of my way or die where you stand!”

  Next, she lost the veil, her golden hair streaming behind her as she threw herself at the goons. They caught hold of her, trying to stop her; she didn’t even attempt to dodge them but only stretched out her hands. Person after person grabbed her shoulders, her arms, but it didn’t matter; she dragged them all along, and with each hand she reached out and grabbed the guys clinging to her by the face.

  Ah, the ol’ Iron Talon. The thugs could only make pathetic squeaking sounds.