All I Ever Wanted

by Alexa Land

  Cole smiled, despite himself, and said, “That was a nickname. His real name was Wendell.”

  “That’s worse than being named after taking a whiz!”

  He curled up in my arms, and after a while he said, “I wish I’d known you when I was twelve. My life would have been so different, if only I’d had one true friend in my corner, telling me all the things you just said.”

  “If only I’d known where to find you.”

  After a few more moments, Cole kissed my cheek, slid off my lap, and sighed. “I guess we should get back to work. Can I have the keys to the van? I don’t know what I want do with those journals, so I’m just going to put them away and deal with them later.” I handed over the keys, and then I watched him through the front window to make sure he actually put them in the van and not the garbage. Had he thrown them away, I would have followed Gram’s lead and pulled them right back out again.

  *****

  It was early evening by the time Cole and I finished sorting through the living room and kitchen. In all, he’d ended up with just three file boxes of things he wanted to keep, but I’d taken a lot of photos for him, and he’d told me dozens of stories about the memories attached to each item. He put Gram’s favorite coffee mug in one of the boxes, beside a small, pretty oil painting of sunflowers she’d made in her youth, and a stack of her beloved Beatles albums. Then we went outside to take a break on the porch swing.

  Cole stretched out on his back and put his head on my thigh, while an invisible chorus of crickets and cicadas filled the air around us and the orange sunset gave way to twilight. I rested my hand on his heart as he studied the house. After a while, he said softly, “I keep expecting Gram to step through the back door and ask me if I want to watch Wheel of Fortune with her. I can’t believe she’s gone, River. She was going to turn seventy in October, and I was already making plans to celebrate.”

  “I loved your Gram.”

  “She loved you, too.” He turned his head so he was looking up at me and said, “Thanks for all your help today, and especially for humoring me by documenting every last knickknack and kitchen gadget and listening to all my boring, random anecdotes.”

  “They weren’t boring at all.”

  “Sure they were. At one point, I told you a twenty-minute story about an ice cream scooper. I kept expecting you to face-plant on the counter.”

  “You were sharing a very sweet memory, and I’m glad I got to hear it.”

  Cole reached up and traced my jaw with his fingertips. I’d started to grow a scraggly beard and didn’t seem inclined to do anything about it. After a few moments, he said, “When we get back to San Francisco, is it okay if I stay with you for a few days? I don’t want to be alone right now.”

  “Of course. Stay as long as you like. Stay a lifetime.” He smiled at me, though it didn’t chase away the sadness in his eyes.

  A few minutes later, the sound of an approaching engine caught our attention. Since we were at the end of the road, we knew whoever it was had to be coming to the house. Cole sat up and muttered, “God, I hope it’s not one of the locals come to pay their late, insincere respects. The way I’m feeling right now, I might end up punching them.”

  As the vehicle rounded a bend, I squinted through the semi-darkness, and then I grinned and said, “I really don’t think it’s a local.”

  We got up and walked around to the front of the house, and a minute later, a glittery lavender SUV pulled up in front of us with a crunch of tires on gravel. Ash jumped out of the driver’s seat, ran to Cole and grabbed him in an embrace as he asked, “Are you okay?”

  “I’m about like you’d expect,” Cole said as he hugged his friend. “What are you doing here?”

  “I was worried about you. I know you told me not to come and that everything was under control, but I also know you’re terrible about asking for help.” As they were talking, Quinn, Hunter and Brian got out of the SUV, and while the couple stretched, my roommate ran over and almost flattened me with a tackle hug.

  Meanwhile, Cole said, “That’s really nice of you Ash, but if you’d told me you were coming, I could have saved you the trip. River and I already finished going through everything, and we’re planning to leave first thing in the morning.”

  “How could you be done already? I thought it’d take you days to get the house emptied out and ready to be put on the market.”

  “We’re not doing that part. Sorry, I guess I wasn’t clear in my text this morning. I was just supposed to go through and take what I wanted. The rest is up to my mother. This was her home too, so she gets to decide what to do with all that stuff.”

  “Oh.” Ash grinned at him and said, “Well, I’m still happy to see you.”

  “Same here.” Cole turned to me and said, “I don’t think you two have ever been properly introduced. River, this is Ash Landry. Ash, River Flynn-Hernandez.” Ash frowned almost imperceptibly as he shook my hand. Yeah, I wasn’t really a fan either, for no good reason other than lingering jealousy from when I’d thought he and Cole were a couple.

  Hunter and Brian came up to us, and as Hunter gave Cole a hug, he said, “I’m so sorry I missed Gram’s funeral. I didn’t find out what happened until yesterday evening, when Ash called me. I wish Brian and I had been at the Fourth of July party when you got the news.”

  “I can’t believe you’re here in Gomsburg,” Cole said. “You hate this town even more than I do, so I never thought you’d set foot back here.”

  Hunter told him, “It’s definitely weird to be back. We drove through town on the way to the house, and it’s just like I remembered, except that even more of the businesses are boarded up.”

  “I begged Hunter and Brian to come with me because I was afraid to come here by myself, after hearing so many horror stories about this place,” Ash explained.

  “It’s not as terrible as I make it out to be,” Cole said. “I’ve only told you my bad memories of growing up here, so your perspective is a bit skewed.”

  I asked Quinn, “How’d you get roped into this little road trip? I didn’t realize you were friends with these guys.”

  Ash chimed in, “He didn’t get roped in, he instigated it. I was really upset after you and Cole left the party, and Quinn befriended me. Later on, when I told him I wished I could do something to help, he convinced me to come to Idaho, even though Cole told me not to.”

  “Well, I’m glad you’re all here, despite that long drive,” Cole said. “Come on in. Are you hungry? I can fix you guys some dinner, although it might be a bit random. I’m not sure what there is to eat.”

  “We’re definitely hungry,” Ash said as we headed toward the house, “but you don’t have to cook for us. We can just order a pizza or something.”

  Hunter and Cole both grinned at that, and Hunter said, “Yeah, not so much. There is actually a pizza place in Gomsburg, or there was. But they don’t deliver this far out in the country.”

  “O’Tool’s is still there, I saw it,” Cole said. “Do you want to go into town and get some dinner?”

  Ash turned to him and asked, “With all the homophobic rednecks? Is that a good idea?”

  “Absolutely.” Hunter sounded surprisingly fierce when he said, “I was born in this fucking town, and I have as much right to eat at any of its mediocre establishments as anyone else. If y’all want pizza, then we’re getting a fucking pizza. And if any of the inbred locals try to hassle us, heaven help them.”

  “I appreciate the warrior attitude, Hunter,” Ash said, “but let’s face it, you, me and Quinn are definitely on the puny side. In fact, the three of us combined barely add up to one beef-packed farm boy, and getting beaten to a pulp isn’t exactly on my to-do list.”

  “I won’t let anything happen to any of you,” Brian said. “Not that you need me to look after you, of course. I’m just saying.”

  Ash considered that for a moment, then said, “Well, it is pretty reassuring to have a big, muscular ex-Marine on our side. Given that and the fact
that I’m starving, I guess I’m okay with going into town if you guys are.”

  Cole hesitated for a moment, while Quinn hugged my arm. My roommate seemed even clingier than usual for some reason. Then Cole turned to Hunter and said, “Are you going to be okay if we run into a member of your family? It’s such a small town, and the Jacobs clan is huge.”

  “I hope I do run into one of those assholes, and I hope it makes them totally uncomfortable,” Hunter said, holding his head high and tossing back his shoulder-length blond hair. “I’m not going to cower in shame because they disowned me. Just the opposite. I plan to parade my cute, gay ass all up and down Main Street, and I hope word gets back to them that their boy is here, he’s queer, and he and his hot husband don’t give a shit what any of them think.” Brian beamed at him and kissed his cheek.

  “Alright, then it’s settled,” Cole said. “Let me just lock up, and we’ll get going. Can we take your Bronco, Ash? The van won’t hold all of us.”

  Ash nodded, and Hunter asked, “Can I pop in and say hi to your mom real quick, before we take off? It might be kind of late by the time we get back, and I won’t want to wake her.”

  “Oh. Um, she’s not here.”

  Hunter looked concerned. “Where is she?”

  “Long story,” Cole said. “I’ll tell you about it on the drive into town.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  O’Tool’s Pizza and Pool served several needs for the town of Gomsburg. One side of the long, rectangular building was a restaurant, and the area around the checkout counter included a minimart and a newsstand. The other half of the building was a bar and pool hall, which we glimpsed through the sliding glass door that divided the space and muffled the blaring rock music. The bar was hopping, while we were the only customers in the pizza parlor.

  “Well gee, I don’t feel like I’m in a fishbowl at all,” Ash said, after we placed our order and sat down at one of the scarred wooden tables with a couple pitchers of soda. It was a bit disconcerting that we couldn’t really see into the dimly lit bar, while all of us were on full display under the fluorescent lights.

  “We could always get the pizzas to go,” I suggested. I was feeling a little uncomfortable, not only because we couldn’t see who was watching us from the bar, but because there was absolutely no doubt that we were, in fact, being watched. It didn’t help that both Cole and Hunter were completely on edge. About the only thing missing were matching T-shirts that read, ‘Come at me, bro.’

  In unison, Cole and Hunter muttered, “We’re staying,” and I fought back a sigh.

  A minute later, the patio door slid open, and a thin woman with big, blonde hair stepped through before shutting it behind her. She was probably in her mid-twenties, though it was hard to tell under all her makeup. Hunter’s eyes went wide before he pulled up a neutral expression, and she came up to him and said, “Hey. I didn’t know you were in town.”

  “Not for long,” he said, holding her gaze steadily.

  “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?”

  He watched her for a moment, and then he muttered, “Everyone, this is my sister, Nina Jacobs.”

  “It’s Nina Montgomery now,” she said. “I got married.”

  “I did, too,” Hunter said as he reached over and took Brian’s hand. “This is my husband Brian.” She glanced at the big ex-Marine before looking away quickly and fidgeting with the strap of her denim mini-dress. “You remember Cole,” he continued, gesturing around the table, “and that’s his boyfriend River and our friends Ash and Quinn.”

  Nina didn’t even acknowledge us as she shifted on her scuffed heels. “I um…I wanted to let you know a lot of people in the bar are talking about you right now. Actually, pretty much everyone is. Some of the things they were saying worried me. Maybe you should get out of here.”

  “Not a chance,” Hunter said, his voice low and steady.

  “Alright, well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” She returned to the sliding door, and then she glanced back at her brother and added, “I’ve been praying for you, Hunter. You know you ain’t ever gonna find your way to heaven if you carry on with your sinful ways.”

  “I’ve been praying for you too, Nina,” he said, “praying that someday you and the rest of our family realize bigotry is about as un-Christian as it gets. Oh, and don’t worry about me. I already found my way to heaven. It’s in Brian’s arms.” His sister frowned at him before disappearing through the glass door.

  Ash muttered, “Wow.”

  “The sad thing is, she’s my favorite family member by far. The rest are much worse,” Hunter muttered, before taking a sip from his plastic tumbler of diet soda.

  I asked, “Do any of them keep in touch with you?”

  “Nina and one of my brothers sent me occasional letters at first, after I announced I was moving to California with Cole and my parents informed me I was no longer welcome in their home,” Hunter said. “But they never asked how I was doing, or said they missed me, or anything like that. Instead, the letters were full of Bible verses about the importance of asking forgiveness for my sins. It didn’t matter to them if I was happy, or safe, or anything else. All they were concerned about was saving my soul.”

  Ash shook his head. “I just don’t get it. I mean, my very southern family isn’t exactly thrilled that I’m gay, but they haven’t cut me out of their lives for it. I don’t see how any parent could do that.”

  Cole grinned a little and said, “You might want to take Brian home to meet the family, Hunter. They may forgive you, now that you’re no longer with me.”

  “What does it matter who he’s with?” Ash asked. “They’re still homophobic.”

  “Yeah, but my family is also racist and anti-Semitic,” Hunter said, with a frown that matched his sister’s. “They’re just awesome on every level.”

  “So, imagine how much they loved me.” Cole thought about it for a moment, then added, “It’d be interesting to see what meeting Brian would do to their world view. I don’t think they can even conceive of such a thing as a big, muscular veteran and former Marine who also happens to be gay.”

  “I think their heads would explode,” Hunter said. “But as tempting as it is to watch that happen, I definitely won’t be paying them a visit while we’re here.”

  “You sure?” That was from Brian, who’d been watching his husband with a concerned expression. “You might not get another chance.”

  “They already rejected me once,” Hunter said. “I have no interest in giving them the opportunity to do that a second time. And if by some miracle they were willing to welcome me back to the family, you know what? I wouldn’t want that, either. They’re terrible people. They hurt me, and they hurt Cole, and they don’t deserve to be a part of my life.”

  Our pizzas arrived a few minutes later, and we managed to enjoy our dinner, despite feeling like we were on display. Hunter and Cole shared some of their favorite memories of Gram, and we raised a toast to her. I would have liked to have something stronger than soda in my glass, but since Brian and Hunter didn’t drink, the rest of us had decided to abstain, too.

  Once we finished our meal, we headed to the parking lot behind the building. None of us were particularly surprised when a group of locals got between us and Ash’s SUV. Lonnie Fulbright, the huge, blond gravedigger who’d bullied Cole all throughout high school, stepped forward and snarled, “You faggots aren’t welcome in this town.”

  Even though the guy had four inches and probably sixty pounds on him, Cole got right in his face and yelled, “You don’t get to decide who’s welcome and who’s not, you fucking homophobic ape!”

  Lonnie took a swing at him, but Cole ducked it easily and punched him in the stomach. Fulbright doubled over and dropped to his knees, and his friends ran at us with murderous looks in their eyes. There were eight of them and six of us, and since Quinn was hiding behind me, I figured we were in trouble. But Brian took out one of them with a single punch to the jaw, so between that a
nd the fact that Lonnie was still on his knees, the numbers were evened up.

  Most of them were bigger than us, but my friends and I stood our ground and squared our shoulders. We’d been bullied by guys like that all our lives. That night, it seemed as if we’d all reached the same conclusion: no more.

  When the three biggest locals ran at Brian, Hunter jumped into the mix. I was sure he was going to get decked, but the thin blond surprised me. He’d obviously had some kind of self-defense training, because he broke a huge guy’s nose with the heel of his hand, then dropped another with a knee to the balls. A surprised bark of laughter slipped from me when I saw that.

  Fear replaced joy a moment later, when a thick-necked guy with a shaved head ran at me. My mind raced as I tried to figure out how to defend myself. But in the next instant, Quinn let out some kind of war cry and leapt like a spider monkey from the hood of a nearby truck. He landed on the guy’s back and grabbed him around the neck with both arms. Baldy staggered around and flung himself backwards, slamming Quinn into the truck. As my friend crumpled to the ground, I yelled, “You asshole!” I’d never actually been in a fight before, so when Baldy ran at me with his fist drawn back, I acted on pure instinct, and I got lucky. I swung my leg up as hard as I could and happened to connect with his family jewels, which made him drop like a sack of rocks.

  I didn’t have long to bask in my victory though, because in the next instant, somebody spun me around and punched me in the jaw. I reeled back and fell against the door of the truck as pain shot through my skull. A big guy with a beard snarled, “Fucking queer,” and pulled his fist back to hit me again.

  I was too dazed by the blow to do much to defend myself, other than brace for impact. But Cole pulled him off me and yelled, “Get the fuck away from him, Ryan!” It hadn’t occurred to me until then that he actually knew all those guys. He and Ryan exchanged a few brutal punches, and I staggered toward them to try to help. But then, Cole landed a hard uppercut, and Ryan dropped to the asphalt.